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hellsie — Numb, Cold
Published: 2004-12-05 01:28:26 +0000 UTC; Views: 294; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 27
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Description
The shadows of the prison show no warmth, no feelingAs she silently cries on the floor, barely kneeling.
The dead stillness of the night beckons her soul
The darkness of her mind leaves her numbed, cold.
Then the voices begin, in a gradual whisper
A bashful voice, that of a dead sister.
Echoes resounding from walls fill her spirit
With frightening thoughts, she is at her limit.
With a mighty roar, sparks explode into the night
Dazzling colour immerse the world in light.
All that is left there is one grain of sand
Where a troubled spirit
with a troubled mind once did stand.
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Comments: 17
I especially like the form that you submitted this in. In a word where everything is left margin justified, this is something new and interesting. This kinda makes me think of death- cold, quiet, dark, slinking. Then, it is suddenly upon you, and world world explodes into nothingness. Good work. Again, I really like this format!
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Thanks! Yeah, I decided I was just so sick of bloody LEFT MARGIN, so I made that pattern. Thanks so much for the comment!
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When/If I write some poetry, I am going to have to copy your "free flowing" justification...
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Hah, no problem. Can you mention me in the description?
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If I ever get around to it, I will, don't worry.
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You have a lot of meter here, and that's good because if there's one thing I hate it's a poem without meter. To help encourage this, here are a couple things I thought you could change to make the meter more regular:
"A bashful voice, that of a dead sister"
"Echoes resounding from walls fill her spirit"
"All that is left there is one grain of sand"
The very last line I really like, and I don't know if you should change it. In this case, just space it differently:
"Where a troubled spirit
with a troubled mind once did stand."
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Wow thanks for the help-- they all help heaps. I'll change it now before I forget
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hey this is pretty dam cool, sorry i havnt been comenting on your stuff but for some reason it doesnt tell me when you submit new stuff and i just forget to check so yeah ill look into that
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YEAH I KNOW YOU SUCK. Hahaha, just kidding. Maybe it's because you haven't added me to your friends list... (YEAH YOU STUPID BIATCH). Sorry. I'm having problems controlling myself.
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Very nice! One thing though... you misspelled warmth... unless there's a word "warth".
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Ooh!! Crap. Thanks!! I'll fix that up...
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Very nice! One thing though... you misspelled warmth... unless there's a word "warth".
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thanks hehe, no..... but actually, warth is a pretty cool word
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Yay! For poetry!
My comment is lacking critique-ness...
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