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France: What’s that? I was not invited to the after-meeting party?

(Opening)

French Guy: Oui; I heard they had a pretty good time. Rumor has it none of them wanted you there.

France: (crying) They had a pretty good time without me?! How unfair! Although I can understand the why…

[Them]
(Allies minus France: *laughter*)

[Conference Room]

France: Still though, how could they leave this gorgeousness out of the allies...
Dammit! They think they’re so much better than me! Don’t they know who I am? I’m the world-renowned France! All I have to do is put my mind to it and I can be very strong!

[1337-1453
The Hundred Years’ War]

Soldiers: RAAAAAH!!!!

France: Remember? This was when I was strong!

[Remember… this was a time when I was strong.]

[1412-1431
Joan of Arc]

England: Look! France totally has to have a girl help him!

England and English Soldiers: What a LOSER!

Joan of Arc: What does he mean by loser?
(France: Nngh!)

France: Nothing; nothing at all! The tea lover over there took the top half of my body because probably God was busy with something else!

[England
England Holy Roman Empire
Spain France]

France: You see… I even have God on my side most of the time!

[1803-1815
The Napoleonic Wars]

Napoleon: There is nothing impossible! Now charge!

French Soldiers: Oh honhon!! Oh honhon! …AAAAAAHH!

[French “Army”]

England: Bravo! Those idiots fell right into my trap!

Napoleon: I’ve had enough. Please kill me.

France: This is terrible! I knew about the damn trap the entire time!! I’m sure that God was just gassy! Or something… but that is not the point! I am amazingly strong, and don’t you forget it!!!

[1588
England defeated Spain’s Invincible Armada]

England: Hahaha! So, Spain! Now you know what happens if you mess with my pirates! We will annihilate you!

[Shakespeare…]

France: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY~! Smack smack smack smack smack smack!

Spain: Ow! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ow!

[Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!]

[1740-1748
War of the Austrian Succession]

Prussia: Hey Austria! It must suck balls to have Silesia taken away by force, huh!

France: UWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~! Smack smack smack smack smack smack smack smack smack!
(Austria: Nn. Nn. Nn. Nn. Nn.)

Austria: You are an ASS!

France: You see? I really am the strongest after all!
(France: Smack smack smack smack smack smack!)

[France…
Their killer technique is…
Profiting from the sidelines.]

Germany: Ohh! So sorry to bother you, but would you put your hands up?

Children: Chibitalia!

Rat: *painful sounding squeaks*

HRE: What’s a filthy rat doing in here?

Chibitalia: WAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!

HRE: I guess I’ll have to get rid of it if I want to keep-a the peace in this house!!
Hey rat, stop right there!
How dare you run away from me! Stop it!

Rat: *squeaks that break my heart cuz they sound so scared*

HRE: Yes… I’ve got you now!
HA!

Chibitalia: AAAAAAH!!!

Rat: *squeak!*

HRE: Why do I always manage to mess things up!? (whimpering)

Austria: Don’t ask me.

Narrator: At Holy Roman Empire’s house, there was also a girl named Miss Hungary. She was in a similar situation to Italy. Despite her pitiful circumstance, she managed to be a very cheerful nice young lady. One day, Miss Hungary decided to put her clothes on Italy.

Hungary: You look so adorable!

Chibitalia: Something doesn’t seem right about it, but whatever.

Hey Holy Rome! Look at me! I’m wearing Miss Hungary’s clothes today!

HRE: Wait. But why? I’m-a confused!
Ahh…! Nn… n n nn… n n nn…

(Hungary: *laughing*)

Chibitalia: Ehh, what’s-a wrong?! You’re freaking me out!!

Man: Things are turbulent!
Man 2: I’m lashing out at you!
Man: Things are turbulent!

Narrator: The atmosphere at Holy Rome’s house is more than a little turbulent these days. People from inside and outside the house are lashing out at poor Mr. Austria.
(Man 2: I’m lashing out at you!
Man: Things are turbulent!
Man 2: I’m lashing out at you!
Man: Things are turbulent!
Man 2: I’m lashing out at you!
Man: Things are turbulent!
Man 2: I’m lashing out at you!
Man: Things are turbulent!
Man 2: I’m lashing out at you!
Man: Things are turbulent!
Man 2: I’m lashing out at you!)

Hungary: What is their problem? They all act like they own the place lately. I think they really just want to find a reason to attack Mr. Austria.
(Man: Things are turbulent!
Man 2: I’m lashing out at you!
Man: Things are turbulent!
Man 2: I’m lashing out at you!
Man: Things are turbulent!)

Hungary: It would be awful if relatives started killing each other!
(Man 2: I’m lashing out at you!
Man: Things are turbulent!
Man 2: I’m lashing out at you!)

Chibitalia: NOOO!

Austria: *Sigh…*

[Irritated]

Narrator: Unfortunately for Holy Rome, all that turbulent atmosphere and negative energy ended up swallowing his house. And its surroundings.

(Marukaite Chikyuu: Italy)

France: So Britain… I have something important to say to you. I would like… for you to marry me…

England: Uhhh…!

[To be continued]

Translations (This time it’s more like Mini-History 101)
• Hundred Years War: Iggy’s like “Hey! France! I’m gonna take over about modern day everything in your country down to Pays-de-la-Loire, half of Centre, part of Bourgogne, and part of Franche-Comte! But Burgundy’s taking Flanders. Also! Aquitaine is MINE! Hahahahaha!” (that’s a guestimation) So France was like “NON!” They went to war for, ironically, 116 years. There were also other factors, like control over the English Channel. After periods of on and off fighting, France eventually won. Also, this is when the long bow was first seen in battle. It was created by the French to counter the English crossbows.
• Joan of Arc: Ok, well not counting the part that her name is Jean d’Arc, and not Jean OF Arc like we say, she was a very young girl who said she was sent by God to put the French King Charles VII back on the throne. She became an important military figure in the French army, especially in the siege of Orléans, but was eventually captured, tried, and burnt at the stake for witchcraft by the English when she was only 19. She’s a patron saint of France.
• Napoleonic Wars: Shortly after the French Revolution, Napoleon, who was actually Italian, decided to do something with his Napoleon complex, which he didn’t have since he was actually 5’6’’, and became Emperor of France, which had just decided to get rid of absolute rulers. He was originally one of three important governor people or something, and eventually made it so that he was the sole lawmaker in the country. He then decided to take over everywhere else, with an empire that stretched from Spain all the way to Russia. However, he couldn’t conquer Iggy, and he learned the hard way War Military Advice #1: Don’t invade Russia (unless you’re the Mongols). After doing things like standardizing measurements through the development of the metric system so nobody would ever think that 5’3’’ in French feet was the same as 5’3’’ in English measurement, they eventually collapsed and France was just France again. Then the Dancing Council Germany spoke of in episode 1 happened. This was really impactful, as it pretty much totally reshaped Europe internally, and, y’know, metric system.
• Why does everyone pick on France?: He isn’t lying; throughout much of France’s life, he was THE most threatening power in Europe. That tends to make others team up against you. The same thing happened with Germany in the twentieth century.
• England Defeats Spain’s Invincible Armada: For a really really long time, Spain controlled the sea. Iggy liked to mess with Spain through privateers (aka pirates paid to attack certain people by the government), but Spain controlled the sea. He tried to invade Iggy, but this “Invincible Armada” had ships too large to navigate the English Channel. A lot of them also somehow ended up in Ireland instead. Iggy ended up winning and became an important player in history from that point on.
• War of the Austrian Succession: PLENTY more on this in later episodes.