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France: So Britain… I have something important to say to you. I would like… for you to marry me.

England: Uhhh…

(Opening)

England: That’s very funny, France. I don’t believe it’s April Fool’s Day yet.
What’s the matter, old chap? You can’t even afford to buy a calendar anymore? Ahahahahahahaha…

[Gloomy]

France: You are wrong, mon ami. And this is not so funny.
(England: Ahahaha… ahh…)

England: Right; what the hell is wrong with you!?

France: Here. Take this.

England: That’s a marriage registration form, you idiot!!!

[Marriage Registration Form]

France: Nn!

England: (struggling noises)

France: No it’s not. Can’t you see? It is a calendar!

England: Uh…uhhh…

France: It’s for you! It is a calendar!!

England: What’s come over you!? Unhand me, you foppish twit!!

France: Just sign it!

England: I will do no such thing! Argh!!!

France: I said sign it!!

England: No!!! Stop it!! Rrrrrgh…

[Marriage Registration Form
England]

England: NOOO!! I don’t know what you’re up to, but I don’t like it!

France: Look, I don’t want to be part of this either, but we don’t have much of a choice! Come on… blame the Suez Canal; that thing has put me close to bankruptcy! If I don’t get married to you right away, I overheard my boss saying that he would kill me! That would suck!!

France’s Boss Chibi Head: I will KILL you!

England: RGH! That’s still not a satisfactory reason to be wed! Have at you! Here’s what I think of your damn form!

[Marriage Registration Form]

France: NOOO! What are you doing!?!?

England: Now you’ll see. That’s what happens when you try to force people to marry you, frog! Hahahahahahahahahaha!

France: You brute! Dammit! Don’t you even care if I die?!
Please, I’m begging you! You have to listen! I can become Britain’s quaint little French village if you want me to...! Come on; help me!!

England: I will not, fool! Why on earth would I ever want to marry you?! First of all, you need to learn to deal with and accept your failures. AHH…!

France: Oh hon… oh honhonhon…

England: Unhand me this instant you foul smelling wine lover! Release me! Let me go! Turn me loose! Why are you not listening to me, France?! Lessen that grasp! I said let go this minute! This is rather undignified!
(France: Oh honhonhonhonhonhonhonhonhonhonhonhonhonhonhon…)

[Drag, drag]

[Merger of England and France: While there was a growing sense of crisis due to the Suez Crisis in 1956, the French Prime Minister Guy Mollet suggested to England that England and France merge, saying that they would agree to have Queen Elizabeth be the united sovereign. Even after being summarily turned down, he requested for France to join the Commonwealth of Nations.
Well, if you think about it, that’d be... impossible.]

France: Non. I will be fine. You will see! Just you watch me! I’ll be fine; just fine! Oh honhonhonhonhonhon…!

France: Hetalia!

Germany: Count off!

Italy: Uno~!

Japan: 二. (Ni)

Germany: And I’m drei. Now, for the secret training! First scenario! What would you two do if you came across Britain, and were unarmed! Well? Spit it out, ja? What would you do!

Italy: Uhhh… I know! I’ll make a white flag with a stick and a handkerchief! And wave it around really fast! And then I’ll cry loudly and ask for help!

Germany: Dummkopf! If you do that, you will lose! Japan! Correct answer!

Japan: はい. (Hai) You should impersonate William I’s wail.

[One Hour Later]

England: (does some sneaking around)

[Two Hours Later]

Japan: (panting) This is fun! Training sure is helpful, はい? (Hai)

Italy: It sure is! Now I know exactly what to do if I ever run into Britain!

Germany: Sehr gut! Let us continue! Britain wants you to acknowledge his bastard child as your own! What do you do?

England: Hahahaha… stupid Germany. I’m SAS. When it comes to spying, no one is better than Britain! Cheers.

Mouse: Squeak!
Cat: Meow!

England: Ha! That was all too easy. Now I shall observe your top secret training!
Germany: What do you do… if Britain is slowly closing in on you, but is dressed up for Carnival and swishing his hips?

England: AH!!!

England: Hetalia!

Italy: Hello! Good morning, Japan! Hug!

Japan: No please! I don’t understand what’s happening! You invade my personal space! Not that I need a lot to begin with…

Italy: Uwawa…

Japan: I do hope you realize how awkward that whole thing was for me.

Italy: Uhhhh…

Japan: Hetalia!

[News Flash!
“This scratch… could it be… from that time?”
America’s Storage Room Cleaning
Hetalia
America’s Storage Room Cleaning
Coming Soon!]

(Marukaite Chikyuu: Italy)

Translations:
• Mon ami: My friend (French)
• Foppish: Someone who cares too much about their appearance. I don’t really know how used the word is now, so I decided to define it for you. Don’t confuse the word with fobbish, which comes from F.O.B., or Fresh Off the Boat, which is a term for people who have immigrated to America recently and speak in broken English. Usually people of Asian descent who forget things like the word “the” and the correct conjugation for the he/she/it form of a word (I/you/we/they run vs. he/she/it runs). So, since this is Hetalia, if Iggy said “FOBBISH twit” instead of “foppish twit,” he would most likely be talking to China.
• Suez Canal: To make transporting goods and troops to Asia easier, I assume, France decided to build an almost 200 km (120 mi) long canal connecting the Mediterranean Sea to the Red Sea. The Canal itself is in Egypt. The Suez Crisis (because yes informational text, the Suez Crisis MAY give people a sense of Crisis) was because Egypt supported the USSR, so Iggy and America were like “K bai we’re no longer helping you build it.” Also, Egypt had decided to take direct control of the canal, since their profits from it were minimal. Iggy and France were working so closely at this point in time that the Prime Minister of France decided that they may as well get married.
• Uno: One (Italian/Spanish)
• 二. (Ni): Two (Japanese)
• Drei: Three (German)
• William I’s wail: Not King William I of England (who was French), but Kaiser Wilhelm I of Germany back in the 1800s, who lived to be like 91, which is really nifty for that time period. So this Kaiser Wilhelm was known for… well, bursting into tears. There’s this movie about his life or the history of Germany or Prussia during the 7 Weeks War between Prussia and Austria (I’ve only seen clips), and basically, every time Wilhelm cried, he didn’t get what he wanted. So Japan is cleverly telling Germany that he would give up just like Italy, but in an obscure Japanese way, and also in a way that if Germany tried to argue, he would be dissing his former leader (who was originally ruling Prussia, but then went on to burst into tears about having to rule all of Germany). (Source: This really cool otacon panel. If you look up “The History Behind Hetalia,” on YouTube, you’ll get it. It starts at like the 30 minute mark or around there, I think.)
• Sehr gut!: Very good! (German)
• Bastard Child: A child whose parents are not legally married
• SAS: Special Air Service. Britain’s. They like to do some spying.
• Carnival: Just a fact. There are two different Carnivals! The probably more famous one in Rio, which Germany is probably talking about since Iggy is apparently dressed for it and swishing his hips, and one that’s more like a masquerade ball in Venice, Italy! Now you know if you didn’t already! Yaaaay!