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Warning: Germany makes a reference to Muslim terrorists in this episode. Please remember that I in no way myself categorize all Islamic people as terrorists. This is all in the M rated humor of the show, so please do not criticize me for words that didn't even come out of my mouth.

~*~*~*(^J^)*~*~*~

America: Dude, dude! You’ve gotta see what I found!

England and France: Hm?
Russia and China: Hm?

America: It’s Germany’s secret military journal!

[Germany—Military Journal]

England: That’s incredible, America!

[Germany—Military Journal] (Sorry. It keeps popping up.)

France: This would give us a clear advantage over them.

[Germany—Military Journal]

China: Let me see!

[Germany—Military Journal]

Russia: Ohh!

[Germany—Military Journal]

Russia: Sounds fun!

(Opening)

Germany’s Voice: Dear diary. Today, Italy told me that he’d cook something for me.

[Month: oo, Day: xx
Today, Italy told me that he’d cook something for me.]

Italy: Germany! Germany!! Because we’re such good friends, I thought I’d cook something for you! Can I use your kitchen?

Germany: Ja, that’s fine; just try not to make a mess. Be careful with my flour. Oil’s on the top shelf.

Italy: Yaaaaaay!
Eh….. eh… (rolling dough)
Germany: Nnnnnn… (cleaning)
Italy: (humming and stirring)
Germany: Nnnnnnnnn… (cleaning)
Italy: Nn….n!... (grating cheese)
Germany: Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn… (cleaning)

Italy: Oh….

Germany: Nh… Oh, ah, don’t mind me!

Germany: Hetalia!

Germany’s Voice: Dear diary. Today, Italy was attacked by Britain und France while I was out.

[Month: oo, Day: xx
Today, Italy was attacked by England and France while I was out.]

England: Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh!
Italy: Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah!

Germany: Hey! If I’m not here, you have to leave Italy alone!
(England: Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh!...)
Italy: Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah!...)

England: Ah? Hahaha!

Germany: Get back over here! If you hit him again, I’ll teach Mohandas Gandhi about passive resistance!

France: I’ll take over! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack!
(Italy: Wahhhh….)

Germany: HEY!

France: Hm? Honhonhon~

Germany: Scheiße! That wine loving dummkopf got away!

Bulgaria: Smack. Smack. Smack. Smack. Smack…
(Italy: Oh…)

Germany: Hey, hold on a second, Bulgaria! Aren’t you part of the Axis?!

Bulgaria: Yeah. But take a look at him and tell me you haven’t wanted to do the same thing.

Germany: Hetalia!

Germany’s Voice: Dear diary… ugh… Today, Italy tried hard to launch an attack on Egypt all by himself.

[Month: oo, Day: xx
Today, Italy tried hard to launch an attack on Egypt on his own.]

Italy: Germany’s been winning everywhere he goes, but I haven’t done anything! Maybe I should try some place easy like Africa…
And the perfect place to start would be good old Egypt! Hey there, funny man! Ready to get your butt kicked?!

Egypt: ….nhh…

Egypt: Nh. Nh. Nh. Nh. Nh. Nh. Nh.
Italy: Hey, I never said go! It’s not fair to start before I’m ready! Do you realize how many nerve endings are in the back of the hand?! It’s a very sensitive area! Stop it! Fine, I’ll invade someone else!!!!!

[Smack Smack]

Phone: *ringing*

Germany’s Voice: Of course… I have to go rescue him… but before I do… I’m just going to savor this moment.
(Italy: Germany, thank you! This guy told me to sit on my hands and now I’m sitting on them and I can’t move them and I’m Italian! Please help me!!) (along the lines of this)

Germany: Hetalia!

[Thereafter, every time Italy screwed up, I ran here and there to deal with it.]

Germany’s Voice: Like feeding a stray dog. After that, every time Italy was in trouble, I had to run to his rescue. Now…

[I’m at my wit’s end…]

Germany’s Voice: Find your happy place! Find it!!
Dgrrrrr!! That Arschloch! He lost to a Middle East country firing arrows! And none of them even blew themselves up!! He’s pathetic! And I’m tired of cleaning up his mess all the time!

Germany: Gah! I can’t keep this anger bottled up! I’ve got to call a friend to vent!
Gahhhhhh…. Ghghghghgh….!!!
Duaoh…. Italy is my only friend… unless you count Japan, but he’s so emotionally stifled and strange…! Who on earth can I call…?

[Who on earth can I call…?]

Germany: Hetalia!

America: Uh…
France: Nh…
England: Ah…
Russia: Hm~
China: Nn…

[Italy is the only friend I’ve got… and I can’t tell what Japan is thinking…]

Allies: His only… friend…?

(Marukaite Chikyuu: Germany)

Germany’s Voice: Dear diary. That darn Italy slacked off from his training AGAIN. Lazy bastard.

[Month: oo, Day: xx, Sunny
That darn Italy skipped out on his training again.]

Italy: Ugh… I wonder why Germany’s being such a big fat meanypants today…

Cat: Meow!

Italy: Ah…? Oh, kitty kitty kitty~! I found her here so that must mean she’s Germany’s cat! Germany could learn about niceness and purring and tongue baths from you!
Who wants a super kitty spin this way? How ‘bout one more back the other way—AUGH!

Germany: We need to get that cat back to the lab.

Italy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I LOVE HER!!!!!!! WAHHHHHH!!!

Cat: Meow!

[Continued next episode]

Children: To be continued! Maybe…

Translations
• Italy, Britain and France: This is probably irrelevant, but Iggy and France were trying to persuade Italy to be neutral with promises of land in Africa before Italy declared war on them.
• Scheiße: Shit (German)
• Italy and Bulgaria: Also irrelevant, but I looked up their WWII relations just in case, and it appears Germany forced Bulgaria to join the Axis because he was in the way of him helping Italy invade Greece.
• Italy invades Egypt: On September 13th, 1940, Italy marched into Egypt, hoping to expand his African territory (he currently held colonies in Libya and Ethiopia). Egypt, being a former colony of Iggy (he gained independence in 1922), was being guarded by Iggy. Italy totes outnumbered Iggy though. So Italy bombed the British stuff. He ended up taking over some Egyptian cities, though it’s considered a failure because he failed to achieve his initial goal of controlling the Suez Canal. Germany offered to help, but Italy wanted to do it on his own. Also really random, but there’s a port in Egypt called “Said.”
• Arschloch: Asshole (German)
• Get the cat to the lab: Germany experimented on things during the Nazi era. A lot of things.