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Description
[A certain day of a certain month
Above the Russian border]

Russia: Ok. So all I have to do is jump out of this plane and attack them, right?

China: That’s right. Put on your parachute now.

Russia: Don’t be silly; there’s plenty of snow on the ground! It’ll break my fall because it’s soft!

China: What?! I don’t think that’s right!

Russia: I’m Russian! I know everything about snow! Well… see ya around!
VODKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

(Opening)

[Newspaper]

France: Hey… see this? It says Russia broke his back jumping from a plane without a parachute!

[WHY DID RUSSIA DIVE?]

England: Nn… oh yeah?—hey, why don’t you go surrender to the maid or invent some new cheese?! Why are you here?!

France: Because. I like to mess with your needlework.

Russia: Hetalia!

Russia: Here I am yaaaaay~!

Lithuania: Ah… welcome home, Mr. Russia! I heard that you had a very important meeting today… you must be tired now… everyone was there today, right? Did America say anything stupid?
(Lativa: *trembling noises*)

Estonia: Hey, word of advice, friend. Never mention America to Russia. It makes him mad!
Ahahahaha! We’ve prepared cold cabbage soup! With a nice vodka dipping sauce! Hehehe!

Latvia: Ah… I’m glad you’re home…! I hope that everyone treated you well! We were taking bets on whether or not you’d be called a drunk or if they’d bring up Lake Placid and the miracle on ice!

Lithuania and Estonia: That hasn’t happened yet!!! Dhhdhhdhhnnnhhh!

[Naturally spacey]

[Stare…]

Estonia: Well… I’m going to leave the room!

Lithuania’s thoughts: Curses, Estonia’s brilliance allowed him to slip away again!

Russia: Hetalia!

Russia: Hey, do you know where the coat I left hanging here went to?

Latvia: I moved it, Sir! I knew we couldn’t leave such a valued museum piece hanging around! The pure absurdity of that stupid coat will be studied for insight into your history! From the early days of overbearing tsars and opulence! To your current sin-like minimalism, fraternity, and sheer force of power!

Russia: Bad choice! I like to wear that absurd coat almost every day of the week!

Latvia: WHAT?! I’m sorry! I didn’t know you still wore it!!

Lithuania: Ohhhh shut uuuuuuup!!!

[Naturally spacey]

Russia: Hetalia!

Latvia: What I really meant, Mr. Russia… is that I think it’s a great sacrifice for you to share your history. These days, too many kids know nothing of the old ways your coat represents! Antique clothes are for insight into the past!

Russia: I just bought that coat last week!

Lativa: Oh…

Russia: I was wondering what makes you such a itty bitty guy, Mr. Latvia.

Latvia: Well… it could be because of you… I mean because of your hand… every time you see me, you crush my cervical vertebrae a bunch! Perhaps if you weren’t so affectionate the blood could continue to flow to my brain when you’re around…
Ah…

Russia: Streeeeeetch! Ahahahahaha! Streeeeeetch!!
(Latvia: UWAWAWAWAWAWA!! UWAWAWAWAWAWA!!)

Estonia: Wow! Would you look at the time!
(Russia: Hehehehehe!)

Russia: Hetalia!

Lithuania: Man! What’s up with the constant diarrhea of the mouth, Latvia! You WANT to go to the Gulag?!

Latvia: I can’t take all this pressure! Why don’t we switch sides and go live with Germany!!

Lithuania: What?! Have you gone crazy? Do you think Auschwitz is better than Siberia!

Estonia: I think I’m going to have to go it alone for a while and see if that’s any better…

Latvia: No!! I’m scared of him and I don’t want to be alone! It feels so safe in his hairy arms!!

Estonia: You should really try keeping your mouth more closed.

Lithuania: Let’s ignore our pain… and food is the shortest path to blissful procrastination! I’m thinking about making cepelinai.

[Cepelinai]

Latvia: But I want some putra!

[Putra]

Estonia: I’ll just have a snack; maybe some piirakka!

[Piirakka]

Lithuania: We’re really very different, aren’t we…

Latvia: It’s not just our food; it’s like we’re different races!

Estonia: It gets a little old being lumped together as the Baltic States…

America: Hetalia!

England: Hey, America! There’s some pints of ice cream in this care package. I won’t touch the stuff but I thought you might like it.

[Supply Goods]

America: Uh… whoa, ice cream?! Dude, I’m totally coming there to hug you!
ICE CREEEEEEEEEEEEAM!!!!!!

[Ice cream]

America: Eugh!!

[Throb, throb, throb, throb…]

America: Nom!

(Marukaite Chikyuu: Italy)

Lithuania: I’m Lithuania…
Estonia: I-I’m Estonia…
Latvia: I’m Latvia…

Lithuania: I’m Lithuania…
Estonia: I-I’m Estonia…
Latvia: I’m Latvia…

Baltics: Together, we’re the nervous, trembling trio.

[We’re the nervous, trembling trio.
We’re the Three Baltic States.]

Children: To be continued!

Translations
• Russian paratroopers: Russia barely used any paratroopers during WWII, but “a legend held by the Red Army told of soldiers who were dropped from a low flying plane without parachutes as they were targeted at a large snow-bank” (www.historylearningsite.co.uk).
• Regarding food: The cabbage soup Estonia mentions is probably Shchi. Alongside cabbage, you need other veggies and a hell of a lot of pork. Cepelinai are Lithuanian hearty, meat stuffed potato dumplings. They like eating it in northeastern Poland too. Putra (skabputra) is a Latvian sour cream soup. Literally, the ingredients are barley, water, and various forms of milk. Piirakka is a Finnish pastry that’s also very common in Estonia. The rye crust is filled with a grain filling.
• Lake Placid and the miracle on ice: 1980 Winter Olympics. Lake Placid, New York. America defeats the long-term champion of ice hockey, the Soviet Union. Since this takes place in WWII, it hadn’t happened yet, like Estonia and Liet said.
• Old Russian coat: During WWII, the Soviet fashion industry went on hiatus, so there was no way to easily obtain what would be considered modern and fashionable. In general, the industry was unable to make available and fashionable clothing. Plus, the Soviet Union was kinda known for being “behind the times.”
• Opulence: Great wealth or luxuriousness
• Minimalism: (1) a trend in sculpture and painting that arose in the 1950s and used simple, typically massive, forms; (2) an avant-garde movement in music characterized by the repetition of very short phrases that change gradually, producing a hypnotic effect.
• Fraternity: The feeling of friendship and mutual support within a group due to common professions and interests (I defined those words because I didn’t know what they meant.)
• Cervical vertebrae: The vertebrae directly under the skull. It’s basically the part of the spine in the neck.
• Gulag: Soviet labor camps. Liet mentions Siberia, but they were pretty much everywhere. They lasted from 1923 to 1961, roughly.