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Italy: Hey Germany, come listen; I wrote a song especially for you!

Germany: What? Even though I’m your enemy? Ok, let me hear it…

Italy: Germany! Germany! Germany is a really really nice place! Even though I’m your prisoner you give me food, and it doesn’t suck like English food! Sausages with cheeses always taste so good! It’d be heaven for a dog… yeah that’s Germany! Tel l me, how is it that you Germans are so robust? You’re crushing me with your intimidation! My fragility causes me to openly weep out of fear… your women terrify me! Is it the norm to drink a barrel of beer and then bust it on somebody’s head? Please don’t come to my place in large mobs… German tourists are scary! Even the girls that are from Germany are more rugged than I am. Yahoo~!

Italy’s Boss: Welcome home, Italy.

[Opening]

(France: Hon! Honhonhonhonhon…)
Germany: In my opinion, France really lost this war so they shouldn’t be allowed to make us pay them so much money…!

[France is asking a fancy price: Burning with a grudge towards Germany, France laid the entire blame on Germany (and the Central Powers) for the war. In addition, the reparations were 139 billion gold marks!! When they got behind in their payments, big brother France, who liked profiting from the sidelines, came to the Ruhr area to occupy it.]

Clocks: Coo coo! Coo coo! Coo coo!
France Clock: Coo coo! Coo coo!
Clocks: Coo coo!

Germany: Day after day, we’re forced to make coo coo clocks!
(France Clock: Coo coo!)
Germany: Then we sell them, but then we need to give all the money to France!
(France Clock: Coo coo!)
Germany: Duough! *that’s frustration* I feel like I’m going crazy!
Well, at least I’m rid of Italy now… that’s the only thing about all these reparations that makes it bearable.
(Italy: Waaaaa~aa~aa~)
(France Clock: Coo coo!)
Germany: He really was a strange country…
(Italy: Ooooh~ooooh~ooooh~)
Germany: I utterly refuse to be his babysitter anymore!
(France Clock: Coo coo!)
Germany: Ja! This time that I’ve been able to spend by myself is supreme bliss!

Italy: Germany! Help me find a job? My family has become extremely poor!
HWAAAAAAAAH!

Germany: DON’T COME BOTHERING ME ABOUT A JOB! I CAN’T DO ANYTHING EXCEPT WORK ALL DAY TO PAY BACK FRANCE!!!!!

Italy: Wait! Please hear me out! We’re WORSE off! Back home there’s no place to work and no bread to eat! I don’t care if the job pays next to nothing; I just need to work! Even if I could get SOME money, even just a little bit! That’s better than NOTHING! Please, you can find SOMETHING for me!!

Germany: Oh, Italy…

Italy: Dear big brother,
I started a job where I make money at Germany’s house, and I get paid nine hundred million marks per day! I know, right!? But don’t get excited, cause one egg costs 3.2 billion marks, so an omelet is like a month of work…

[Time passed, and then it became WW2]

German Newscaster: Our German troops are unstoppable! They are battering the froggy stinkhole! And at this rate it is only a matter of time before Paris becomes *he says one more thing but I can’t catch it*…

Italy: Grrr… I can’t believe Mr. Germany’s attacking France again! It’s like he’s got a grudge against big brother!

Germany: If our troops can keep this up I’ll have France making ME coo coo clocks in no time!

German Soldier: Ah, Germany, I have some terrible news! Italy has become Germany’s ally! WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?!?!??!

Italy: Germany! I pledge my undying support to your cause! We’ll be best friends that—AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Italy: Luxembourg kicked my ass and sent me back here…!

Germany: Get away from me! I don’t need your help!

Italy: Come on, Mr. Germany, you can be my friend, can’t you? We can be an alliance! I’ve always been ruled by somebody since forever! You’ll be my strong big brother! You can order me around and I’ll disappoint you!

Germany: Ah…

Italy: When I’m near destruction you can swoop in and save me! And when you need cannon fodder I’ll be there to march in and obey the chain of command!

Germany: Friends… that sounds… nice… Since I’ve never had friends, I’ll most likely treat you badly, but someone has to take it…
This could work… friends! Uh, we don’t have to kiss, do we?

Italy: Nope! Unless you want to.

[In this way, the two countries formed an alliance. However…]
[In the end…]

Italy: Germany… thanks for the water! Now I can make pasta again!

Germany: Stop wasting water. I’m not sure if anyone would believe me that you died making pasta in the desert…

[Germany’s stomachache just kept getting worse.]

Italy: Hetalia!

Japan: I am very pleased to meet you.

[Marukaite Chikyuu: Italy]

Translations:
• Ruhr: a river and region in northwestern Germany. The specific places France occupied were Düsseldorf, Duisburg, and Ruhrort (source, a map and www.brittanica.com)
• Ja: Yes in German (along with Danish, Norwegian, Swedish, and a BUNCH of other languages.)
• An egg costs 3.2 billion marks: Between WWI and WWII, you needed 4.2 trillion marks to have 1 US dollar. In comparison, that means 1 US penny ($0.01—currently about 0.006£ or 0.007€) equaled 42 billion marks. Meaning, one penny could buy you 13 eggs. (source: mises.org/daily/2347 )
• Don’t cook pasta in the desert: Apparently this was actually a problem early on in the African campaign. After water is used to boil pasta, it’s essentially useless for anything else. You can’t drink it, and it’s no longer clean enough to wash anything in.