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[Café Germany]
[I hate cafés like this! Part 1]

[A young man passing by—Mr. Nuruo Nuruyama (23)]

Germany: Welcome to the Café du Pain! You’re late and will be treated with contempt!!

Nuruo: What?

[Nagging Nagging]

Nuruo: I’m so sorry…

Male Narrator: Germans should really stick with engineering.

[I hate cafés like this. You get scolded for being late the moment you arrive.]

Nuruo: Wow… you’re mean!

Germany: Today’s menu includes canned lamb, dry crackers, Bavarian beer cheese soup, und jello! No repeating. You will remember what I said.

Nuruo: Yes sir…

Male Narrator: Why read it when you can taste it on his breath?

[I hate cafés like this. No written menu.]

Nuruo: Nom!

Germany: You’ve only got 15 minutes to eat. If you can’t finish eating within the time limit, I will kill you.

Nuruo: (choking)
That’s fair…

Male Narrator: Reminds one of grammar school.

[I hate cafés like this. There’s a time limit.]

Nuruo: Thanks for the food…
Ah…!

Germany: Our time together has been very special. Be sure to lock your doors at night.

Nuruo: N-No problem…

Male Narrator: Well that could have been a lot creepier…

[I hate cafés like this. When you leave, it’s like bidding a final farewell.]

Romano: Hetalia!

Italy’s Letter Voice: Japan, how are you? I’m on the African warfront with Germany right now! This was all my big brother’s idea...

Romano: Come on! You love shooting guns in the desert!

Italy’s Letter Voice: Then he went home…! I feel like crying because every time I see Britain, he shoots at me and it’s hard to retreat drunk. Bro hugs. Italy.

Italy: Good job! We sure covered a lot of ground retreating today! Britain nearly chased us to the ocean!

Germany: You know that’s a bad thing, right? Anyway, it’s time for a status update.

Italy: Ah…

Germany: Between you and me we have 250,000 troops. As for the Allies, they’ve got 480,000 troops and that’s just with Britain und America.

Italy: Hwoaah! Big numbers…!
Anyway, thanks for saving my butt once again, uber bad Germany!

Germany: Ja, but next time could you make sure it’s important and not just because you couldn’t set up your tent?

Italy: Sure thing boss; this chick is ready to fly on his own!

Germany: Nh… I’ll avoid the obvious joke about you being a chick…

Italy: Hey, Germany!

Germany: Duah!

Italy: A shooting star! Wowww!

Germany: Ah…

Italy: I wish Britain would get a headache and go home! I wish Britain would get a headache and go home! I wish Britain would get a headache and go home! I wish Britain would get a headache and go home! I wish Britain would get a headache and go home!

Germany: What do you think you’re doing?

Italy: Stars are magical! If you make a wish on one, it has to come true!

Germany: I can’t believe that you’re really this naïve. A headache won’t make Britain go back home! Go to bed before I beat you even senselesser.

Italy: And you…?

Germany: I can’t go to bed. Someone has to stand guard for us.
(Italy: Ah oh… ah…)

Italy: Hey! Would you wake me up when it’s my turn to play guard? Buona notte!

Germany: Ja, ja, gute Nacht.

Germany’s thoughts: Man, he’s so high maintenance!

Germany: Mm? Another…

Germany’s thoughts: I wish Italy would be cured of being a pussy. Please, make it so he doesn’t smell like garlic all the time…! Und, if you could make him a little less cheery every day und a little more serious like me. Also, teach him to drive, bathe, worry, and frown. It might also be good to have him split the atoms so we could make a weapon of unparalleled destruction.

Star: Gah! Germany, I’m a freaking star, not a miracle worker!

England: Righto! So we’ll make an all-out attack on those two tomorrow! In terms of the sheer numbers of soldiers, there’s no way they could possibly—ahhh….!!

America: Britain totally got a star stuck in his head! That’s badass! Hahaha!

[The Next Day…]

Man: It was reported that Britain went home because of a headache…!

Italy: Ah?!
Germany: Huh?!

England: Hetalia!

[Café Spain]
[I hate cafés like this! Part 2]

[Just got dumped by his girlfriend—Mr. Pokozo Pokota (21)]

Spain: Oh, wow! Are you really a customer, mister? Yes, you are one!! Sorry, it’s been a long time! I’m so glad! Let me touch your back!

Pokozo: Nh…

Spain: You know… because of the bad economy, nothing’s really been happening! But things are looking up, now!

Pokozo: Nhh…!

Spain: Oh yeah! I made this shirt after our king told Hugo Chavez to shut up! Isn’t that just awesome?! I’m telling you, man! It’s like… they’re real people…

[“Why don’t you shut up?” –King]

Spain: Whoa! It looks so good on you!

Pokozo: Gh…

Spain: I wanna send one of the shirts to Hugo Chavez too. You look so cool that I’d definitely want to go out on a date with you! I mean if I were a girl.

[Wanna show it to the Venezuelan President, too: In a November 2007 conference, Spain’s King Carlos roared “Why don’t you shut up?” at Venezuelan President Chavez, who criticized Spain’s former prime minister. When these two reconciled after about eight months, King Carlos gave President Chavez a gift with “Why don’t you shut up?” written on it. By the way, this T-shirt was mass-produced and sold like crazy.]

Pokozo: Nhhhh!

Spain: Now! Coffee! I’ll go get some for you! Just sit tight, ok?

Pokozo: Dh!

Spain: Eugh! Well, this is embarrassing; since I haven’t had many customers, I’ve only got instant coffee!

Pokozo: DGH!! Nh…nh…

[Café Spain]

Pokozo: Life is meaningless.

[Marukaite Chikyuu: Italy]

(Credits)

Translations
• Café Germany’s Menu: I think the strangeness of the food and the suggestion that it’s not the best (canned lamb and dried crackers with jello? Wha?) is a reference to the rations that German soldiers had during WWII. Basically, the Germans couldn’t properly feed their army and the soldiers would take whatever they could find. If you could capture American rations, you’d have what they considered a feast. Bavarian beer cheese soup is normal compared to the other ones. It’s a soup made from vegetables, beer, and melted cheese (cheddar or American, but why would someone use American?)
• Buona notte: Good night (Italian)
• Gute Nacht: Good night (German)
• Split the atoms so we could make a weapon of unparalleled destruction: Nuclear fission is the process of separating the electrons of an atom from its protons. The results differ depending on whether Italy’s choice of fission is alpha particles (helium nuclei), beta particles (electrons alone), or gamma rays (pure energy), but they basically change atom you have. The separation of the original atoms releases a hell of a lot of energy. Neutrons, the neutral particles, have the nuclear force holding an atom together and making stable. And then, nuclear weapons. Germany’s hoping that Italy will be an Einstein.
• Spain’s bad economy: Long story short, Spain’s condition economically is about the same as Greece’s. Sad thing, it’s not really even the government’s fault. The construction industry collapsed, the banks are doing poorly, and unemployment for young people is really high. However, due to the fact that Spain shares the Euro with well-off countries like Germany, he can’t devalue his currency to help himself, and he’s stuck with spending 10% more than he makes. France and Germany lent him money, but now they’re asking for him to pay them back. Poor Spain. I’m rooting for you! Get well soon!