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HRE: Italy… let’s join and become the strongest country in the world together!

Chibitalia: Ok…

HRE: I promise you, you’ll never want for anything as long as we’re together!

Chibitalia: Mmhmm!

HRE: Ah… mm…

Alarm Clock: (beep beep beep beep! Beep beep beep beep!)

HRE: Ah!
….just a dream…

(Opening)

Finland: (crying)

[The time was the seventeenth century. Sweden continued to settle in America with German mercenaries and Finland, and founded New Sweden in the area where Delaware State currently is. However, because he jumped at the chance to mess with Dutch territory, angry Dutchmen came and attacked them with a large force. Both Finland and Sweden got beaten up good, had their lands and houses taken away and were kicked out from America.]

Narrator: Ok. The seventeenth century is the one with dates that start with sixteens, like 1634, or 1686. During that time, Sweden was settling the Americas, mostly in Delaware. That’s one of their states, but most Americans don’t even know that unless they live there. Sweden, with the help of Finland and German mercs, was messing with the Netherland’s territory. N-dog got peeved and whooped up on them! Finland and Sweden that is. Not the Hessians. Which are the German mercs, not people from Haiti.

Finland: (crying)
Seriously, you guys, this isn’t funny anymore! (sob sob) It’s so mean and cruel and stupid!

France: Ugh… tell us what happened to you, Finland…

England: Did you get your head stuck in the butter churn again?

Finland: Nothing like that! It’s the Netherlands… I built a villa in America with Sweden… then stupid Netherlands beat us up and took away our villa!

England: Wow; that is really embarrassing…

France: Hey, I caught a fish with my hands…!

England and France’s thoughts: This whole country will be mine anyway…

Finland: There’s something else that’s bugging me! A mysterious little boy has been showing up from time to time… nobody knows him from the villages… and the neighboring towns are at least a day’s walk away! I’m afraid the Netherlands will find the boy and do something terrible to him! He’s a scary dude!
(Scary Dutch Shadow: Mwahahahahahaha!)

[“Hahahaha….”] [Mr. Netherlands]

England: Ah… a little boy? Why would he be by himself all the way out here in the wilderness?

Finland: Exactly my point! That’s why we thought the whole thing was kinda weird!

France: Hold on!
Oh crap, my fish!
You say it came by you and Sweden, right?

Finland: Yeah, that’s right! He was a cute little kid!

France: Do you think it could be possible that he is related to one of us?!

Finland: Ah! I never considered that possibility…!

England: A kid like that all alone in the New World…? He might even be…

Finland, France, and England: My little baby brother!

England: There’s no way he’s your brother; he’s my brother for sure, Frenchie!
(France: RrrrRrrrrgh!!)

France: Your brother would have died from exposure or killed himself by now!
(England: RrrrRrrrrgh!!)

Finland: Uwawawawawa!!!
(England and France: RrrrRrrrrgh!!)

America: Hetalia!

Chibi America: Ah… ah! Ah… ah!

France: Hey look, Finland! Could that be the boy?

Finland: Yeah, that’s him; I’m sure of it!

England: He looks like me!
(Finland: Ah…)
England: I told you he was family! France, check it out. His hair looks exactly like mine does! There’s no way that’s not my brother!

France: In your dreams, fancy face! He has the obvious brow of a French royal; it is all the proof I need to claim him!

Chibi America: (nervous)
Finland: (nod)
Chibi America: (nod)

Finland: Hey, so which part of that kid looks like me?

England: Uh, why are you suddenly so hung up on appearances! Our looks don’t define us!

France: That’s right! Rather than being so focused on outward appearances you should be plumbing the pipes of this young boy’s heart!

Finland: Uhhh…

England: Hetalia!

[Grin, grin, grin, grin…]

England: Ahaha… I’m really busy, but I got up early hoping that I could see you again! Wasn’t that nice of me.

Chibi America: Ha! I’m so happy! Hi there!

England: What…? You’re not scared? I thought you’d run…!

Chibi America: No, I’m ok! Lately I’ve been figuring out a lot about who I am!

England: Ah… that’s great! You’re here… wow… I never thought I’d say this, but… I’m quite happy to see you too…
But that just settles it for me! From this day on, you’ll be my brother!

[Bam!]

Chibi America: Mm! Then I guess I’ll call you big brother!

England: Ah…

England’s thoughts: Me…? “Big brother…?”

Scotland: Yo, worthless little brother! Huh?! How does that feel!

[Ahh!] [Scotland]

France: Starting today, you’re my servant!

Spain: You’re not moving in on my land!

Man: Excuse me. This is from your big brothers.

[Curse] [From older brother]

King Henry XIII: If I want a new wife, I’ll have one! I just have to start a whole new church. Big deal.

England: (crying)
England’s thoughts: Ah… I’m a… big brother…?

England: Well now… don’t be so formal! How ‘bout you call me Britain?

Chibi America: Ah, ehh! (nod)

(Marukaite Chikyuu: Italy)

(Credits)

Translations
• 1634: A few random things that happened this year. Curaçao, an island off the coast of Venezuela, is taken from Spain by the Netherlands. Poland and Lithuania beats up Russia in the Smolensk War. Danes and Germans are killed in the Burchardi flood (second Grote Mandrenke).
• 1686: A few random things for this year. HRE, Netherlands, Spain, Sweden, and some German principalities gang up on France through the League of Augsburg. Russia and various German principalities join the Holy League (AKA the “let’s gang up on the Ottoman Empire” club). Mr. Ottoman Turkey gets kicked out of Hungary by that club. Italy also beat up Turkey for Morea (Peloponnese). New York City and Albany become cities.
• American colonization picture: Ok, imagine a map of America. In 1607, Iggy set up his first colony in Jamestown Virginia. The Netherlands appeared in America in 1609, with the help of Englishman Henry Hudson. They claimed what would be New Netherland, between English Virginia and French Canada. If you color the map, the Quebec area would be French, New England and Virginia would be British, the New York/New Jersey area would be Dutch, and the Delaware area would be Swedish. The Netherlands kicked Sweden and Finland out in the 1650s. In the Second Anglo-Dutch War, the Netherlands lost his claim to New Netherland (Iggy especially wanted New Amsterdam, which is now Manhattan) in exchange for Suriname.
• Hessians: Hesse is in central Germany. That’s really all I have to say. German mercenaries were hired for like everything. Iggy hired them in the American Revolution as well. People from Haiti are called Haitians, though it’s pronounced almost the same (HeSHANS vs HEIshans).
• Iggy and his Brothers: Technically, Iggy shouldn’t have said his name was Britain, as Great Britain didn’t exist until 1707. So Iggy was just England, meaning that at the time of this episode, Scotland was his own country (he had been since the Middle Ages) and was free to do whatever the heck he wanted without listening to his little brother England. What happened was, after Elizabeth I died with no heirs, James VI of Scotland took over and became James I of England and Ireland. The two nations were joined only 4 years later, meaning that Scotland’s technically the one that took over England and not the other way around. Iggy semi-owned Ireland since the 1100s, but fuller control started in the late 16th century and for Northern Ireland remains even now. Ireland fully joined the UK in 1801. The Republic of Ireland gained independence in the 1920s, after a civil war. Wales, on the other hand, liked to bully England a bit in the 11th century, but then in 1301 Edward II became king of both nations (there’s a story that Iggy tricked Wales into this). In the mid-1500s, Wales became fully run by England. Meaning that at this time, Scotland was the only British brother not under any English control at all.
• King Henry XIII: I’m sure I’ve talked about this before. Henry XIII. King of England. Father of Mary I and Elizabeth I. Wanted a son. Only got daughters. So he created the Church of England so he could get divorced and remarry five times, giving him a total of six wives.