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England: America is my little brother!

France: Oh, oui, Britain is always with the joke telling! America is my brother!

England: The big shot in charge of my house, not to mention my church, says America is my little brother, so suck it!

France: Well that’s interesting, considering the big shot at my house has been saying that America is my brother for like a hundred years!

England: (struggle fighting noises)
France: So you… suck on… that!

Austria: Fighting in my house is not allowed!

Narrator: All I care about is being able to punch France in the balls. Around the time of the War of Austrian Succession and the Seven Years’ Itch War fought between France and Britain over North America, the only thing Britain wanted was to punch France in the balls… just once. So, Britain took the side of anyone fighting against France.

[“All I care about is being able to punch France in the balls.” Around the time of the War of Austrian Succession and the Seven Years’ Itch War fought between France and Britain over North America, the only thing Britain wanted was to punch France in the balls… just once. So, Britain took the side of anyone fighting against France.]

Narrator: War of Austrian Succession. France, Prussia, Saxony, and all those guys, versus… Austria.

England: And Britain!!

[
France, Prussia, Saxony, etc.
VS
Austria & England]

Narrator: Seven Years’ Itch War. France, Austria, and Russia, versus… Prussia.

England: And Britain!!

[
France, Austria, and Russia
VS
Prussia & England]

England: (Fighting with words I cannot yet understand)… is a douche!! Impatiently (something something)
France: (Fighting with words I have yet to identify)…is a joke, Monty Python!! Why don’t you (something something) and relax! Stop whining for once in your life and (something something)

[France and England’s Fighting Island]

Some Unfortunate Presumably Caribbean Man: Well… looks like the Euro-trash came out to play…

(Opening)

Chibi America: (afraid)

England: Fighting is getting us nowhere. We might as well just let America decide, right?

France: That sounds good to me! Especially since it was part of my original plan from the start!

England: Ehhhhhhh…. Come here… come over here, America… don’t you want to play with me forever and everrrr….?
(*music of doom*)

[Doom Doom Doom]

Chibi America: (crying)
England: Oooooooohhh…

France: Stop it! You’re scaring him! You’re even freaking me out right now!!
Now come here! This wonderful French food is waiting for you to shove into your chubby, screaming pie hole!
(Chibi America: *crying*)

Chibi America: Ah…

England’s Thoughts: Son of a tart… why didn’t I think of that?

England: Hey, don’t you have something better to do than just stand around?

Englishman: No, not really.
Englishman 2: (whistling)
Englishman 3: …uh…

England: Right… that’s what I figured… my people suck.

Chibi America: Ah…

France: Oh honhonhonhonhonhonhonhon! Oh honhonhonhonhonhon!

[Doom Doom Doom]

Chibi America: Ah…. nnh…

England: Out, damn spot. Out I say.

Chibi America: Um… are you ok…?
(England: Ah…?)

France: Why does no one like me?! Poo!

England: Hetalia!

England’s narration: And so, somehow I was able to make America hate France and became his older brother.
(England: *singing lullaby* In sleep he sang to me; in dreams he came. That voice which calls to me and speaks my name. And do I dream again? For now I find—)

England: Hm? Oh, did you fall asleep on me?
(Chibi America: *sleeping noises*)

England’s thoughts: I have to remember… I am his guardian. I’m the Colonel to his Elvis. The Sonny to his Cher. The George to his Ringo! It’s a pretty wicked responsibility. Now I’m going to have to provide him with things and protect him. I don’t want to blow this.

England: Ah…

England’s thoughts: There are bound to be obstacles waiting for him. Vast, rich natural resources… and strangely feathered people who are more angry than grateful could cause him some difficulty down the road. I think I should live with him from now on… and we can support each other. Unfortunately, thanks to that douche France, I’m out of money… but we’ll figure something out. America and Britain… together.

Chibi America: Ah?

England: Eh… ah!

Chibi America: Ehe! (running off and laughing)

Bison: Moooo!

England: No! America, get away from that thing! It’s a vile, dangerous creature!

Chibi America: Waaaa~waaa~waaa~waaa~
Bison: Moooooooooooooooo…

England: That kid is strong…!

England’s thoughts: Well… alright, then. Perhaps America will be just fine on his own after all.

Narrator: By the way, you’ll probably want to pause the video if you actually want to read all of this.

[Able to get by on his own: England granted America freedom in taxes, religions, trades, etc. to an extent unimaginable back in England. This is why America is called a free country. This let technologies and cultures of many countries mix, creating a unique culture. America began to gain industrial power exceeding England’s own. By the way, this was all over a short period of 10-20 years.]

Chibi America: (laughing)

(Marukaite Chikyuu: Italy)

Chibitalia: Holy Rome, it’s time to wake up! Hey, sleepy head! Wake up already!

HRE: Eh… ah…
(Waiting for kiss)

Chibitalia: Ah… wake up!!!

HRE: Gah!! Ehhh!!
Ah…!

Alarm Clock: (Beep beep beep beep! Beep beep beep beep!)

HRE: The same dream again…

[To be continued]

Translations
• Saxony: One of Prussia and Germany’s many brothers; originally a Duchy and then part of the Holy Roman Empire, it is now a federal state in eastern Germany. It was one of those German speaking principalities that somehow unified under a crybaby (*cough cough Wilhelm I*). By the way, Germany’s birth year is probably 1871, as this was the year all those states unified. Also, Prussia’s ruler got to be German Emperor, meaning that Prussia actually did raise Germany.
• Monty Python: A British comedy group famous for some really funny movies, such as “Monty Python and The Holy Grail” and “Monty Python’s Life of Brian.” You can tell those are their movies because they say so in the title. They started out on a British comedy sketch show in 1969, and are basically considered to comedy what The Beatles were to music. Their movies are really hilarious, btw, especially Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Find the time to watch it. Seriously. It’s just great.
• My people suck: I think that this is a reference to the “geniuses” that went to Jamestown to colonize America. Iggy’s first permanent settlement was really really bad. Like, nobody was willing to hunt or farm and spent their time doing artsy things and digging for nonexistent gold. They nearly starved to death, since no one was willing to help or get off their lazy asses. John Smith eventually got people working and being friendly with the natives, and John Rolfe introduced tobacco as a cash crop.
• Colonel to Elvis as Sonny to Cher as George to Ringo: Colonel Tom Parker was Elvis Presley’s manager. Sonny and Cher were a married couple and a famous music duo. George Harrison and Ringo Starr were both members of The Beatles.