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Italy: Ah… ahhhhh…!!!!

(Opening)

Italy: Ha…!

[I opened my eyes for a change. Italy Veneziano]

Italy: Hetalia!

[Trying to weaken Japan’s morale!!]

Children: Trying to weaken Japan’s morale.

America’s Boss: Hey man. What do you think it would take for someone to kill your morale?

[America’s Boss]

America: If the enemy came in and effed up Lady Liberty, that would suck!

America’s Boss: That’s it! Mt. Fuji! Japan’s symbol of national pride! We can paint the whole thing red and every time they look at it, they know these colors don’t run!

[Deep red]

Japan: Ah…!!

America: Hahaha!

America’s Boss: It seemed a lot easier when it was just a picture we were coloring…

America: Yeah. I like using the crayons!

America’s Boss: It’s too big!

America: Alright, then I better get started!

Japan: Do you think, maybe you could paint it purple instead…?

[This is America’s legend of Red Mt. Fuji. That they actually tried to do it… American Ingenuity.]

Narrator: This is America’s legend of Red Mt. Fuji. Yeah. They really tried to do this, people. Google it.

Japan: Hetalia!

[Trying to weaken Russia’s morale!!]

Children: Trying to weaken Russia’s morale.

America’s Boss: Ok. Pay attention; I want you to order 25 cm condoms in bulk from Russia.

[America’s Boss]

America: That’ll be hysterical! Hey, Russia, dude! Think you could make me like 10,000 25 cm condoms?

Russia: Wha? I don’t think we’ve ever made them that size…!

America: This comes straight from my boss, so you better get on it! Thanks, dude!

Russia: Uhhh… I suppose we could figure out a way to make them… man… I feel a little sad…

[A few days later…
To America
From Russia]

America’s Boss: Hey, our party favors from Russia are here!

America: Ha… ah… that’s strange; the box they sent us is labeled extra small!

[Size: XS
It was a lot of work making them. Russia]

America’s Boss: What?!
Wait, how long is 25 cm anyway…?!

[Size: XS]

America: Hetalia!

France: Well, there’s nothing better to do, so I might as well start rumors about Germany.

England: Propaganda is not a way to pass the time.

[Big Brother France and information manipulation activities]

Child: Big Brother France and information manipulation activities.

Man: Huh?

France: Hey, check it out. Germany has been secretly carting off Jews to extermination camps.

Man: Ahh...!! Creepy…

England: Hey, check this. Germany’s got an atom bomb.

Man 2: That’s insane!!

Shadowy Figures: Pst pst pst pst Germany pst pst pst pst Germany pst pst pst pst awful…

France: Oh honhonhonhonhon! My terrible rumors about Germany are spreading like a wildfire!

England: It seems you CAN accomplish anything if you put your mind to it.

France: That’s right!

England: So our next victim; let’s think about rumors to spread about Italy.

France: What?! Hold on a sec!! Ok, I know he’s totally spineless and not a very loyal friend and he’s dumb as a bag of hammers, but he means welllllll!!! He’s really a nice guy…! He’s just misunderstood…! (crying)

England: Wow… anyone else not see that coming?

England: Hetalia!

France: Germany has stupid pants! Your crosses are crooked and your marching makes absolutely no sense!
(Germany: Grr…)

(France: *keeps ranting on Germany until Italy shows up, but I can’t hear it*)
England: Come to think of it, France is always saying heinous things about Germany, while only lightly ridding Italy in a rather ineffectual way… maybe there’s something going on between the two of them… like their love of smoking...
(Italy: Ve~ ve~ ve~ ve~…)

England: Well... so be it, then. Sure, it might be kinda fun to trash talk Germany to Italy!
Hey, Italy! Germany says he hates your guts and thinks you’re stupid.

Italy: Ah!

(Italy: Ah…)
England: He told me he’s just pretending to be your friend because he thinks it’s funny that you believe him. He goes home and laughs at this little doll he made of you.
(Italy: Ngh….!!)

England: And sometimes he puts dresses on it.

Italy: Germany! Britain says you’re just pretending to be my friend…!!

Germany: Huh?

England: You weren’t supposed to go and tell him about it!!

Germany: Ah… uhhh…

Italy: Ohh… nn… nnn…

Germany: Mn… lies. They’re not true. Actually… Ich liebe dich… ja…

England: Uhhhh…

Italy: Meraviglioso; I knew it wasn’t true! I’m too pretty!

England: Ahahaha…. Ahaha… hahaha… haha…

France: Hang in there…

England: It’s just so frustrating… you know what I mean...?

France: Their friendship makes absolutely no sense, old friend.

(Marukaite Chikyuu: Italy)

America: Somebody told me my elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor, but I don’t even have an elevator.

Italy: I heard that too! We should go and buy one!

Children: To be continued!

Translations
• America’s Boss: It’s pretty safe to say that it was Franklin D. Roosevelt, but Truman was president for the last few months of the war, and Japan WAS the last to surrender. Lack of a date for this plan led to me just not naming him. Also, since the Russia thing could be anywhere from 1917 to 1990, I’d rather not torture myself.
• Mt. Fuji: Mt. Fuji is Japan’s tallest mountain, at 3,776 meters (12,389 ft.) in height. This puts Japan in 44th place in the ranking of countries by highest point, right behind Austria with his mountain, Großglockner, which is only 22 m taller. Of course, China and Nepal top that list, sharing Mt. Everest. And Italy and France are tied for 28th, since both of their tallest mountains is Mont Blanc (Monte Bianco), which lies on their border. Anyway, the plan to paint Mt. Fuji red would take 12 tons of paint and 30,000 B29 planes, which they decided wasn’t worth it.
• Purple: It may have just been a random color that wasn’t red, but purple is the color of privilege and wealth in Japan. It’s also the color of his aristocracy.
• 25 cm: About 10 inches. Which as far as I know isn’t a small size, so I’m probably gonna stick with the idea that America spoke so fast that Russia thought he wanted 10,025 one cm condoms instead. Or maybe they just played the “I’m the biggest” thing.
• Rumors about Germany: Well, it wasn’t a lie, but during the actual time of the war, many people were oblivious to the existence of concentration camps, so the fact that it’s a rumor is fairly accurate, unfortunately. Germany never actually developed an atomic bomb, though some of his scientists left Germany before the war broke out and assisted the Americans and other nations in developing their own, most notably through the Manhattan Project. The crooked cross is referring to the swastika on Nazi Germany’s flag, which the marching probably doesn’t need an explanation. The pants thing is just France being mean, though the jodhpurs they wore had wide thigh areas and became popular with women in the 1920s.
• Ich liebe dich: I love you (German). Funny thing is, German’s hate using this term for anything non-romantic. So… ja.
• Meraviglioso: Wonderful (Italian)
• Elevator doesn’t go all the way to top floor: Probably doesn’t need an explanation, but it’s an American saying that means you’re stupid.