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Russia: Oh, Привет! (Privet) I’m Russia. I’d like to be introducing my big and little sister now.

[Russia’s Big and Little Sister]

Narrator: Russia’s big and little sister.

Russia: First, please say hello to my big sister, Ukraine. She’s nice, but not much to look at. This is my little sister, Belarus! She’s pretty, not nice. The important thing is they are both very weird!
…..so werid….. so weird….. so weirddd…
(crying)

England: A-Ah! Oh no! What’s wrong with Russia?! This is a sign something really scary is about to happen!

[Tremble, tremble]

(Opening)

Russia’s narration: This is Ukraine. When I say big sister, I mean BIG sister. Apparently, her breasts are so giant they make her back hurt. Also… she’s poor, so those are real!

Russia: Big sister, we came to collect the gas payment!

Latvia: Miss Ukraaaaaine!

Russia: Come on, sis, cough it up! Seriously. Cough it up!

Latvia: Are those her boobs…?? Am I hearing… boobie bounce?

Ukraine’s Boss: Nh… no way, no way!
(Russia: We hear you bouncing!)

[Boss]

Ukraine: Ah…!! Oh Brother Russia, please forgive me… I promise I’ll pay you back when I get rich one day…! Hah…
(Ukraine Boss: *trembling*)

Ukraine: Hetalia!

Russia’s narration: This is Ukraine. She’s my big sister! With those colossal knockers of hers, she ends up being a target a lot. She’s goofy which is fun, but also a crybaby which is weak.

Ukraine: Hi Russia! Guess what! I brought food!!
(Latvia: Ah… ah… ah… ah…)

Russia: Great. Thank youuu!
(Latvia: Ah… ah… ah… ah…)

Ukraine: I used fresh milk to make something special for you! Huh…? Oh no! I suck! Silly me forgot that my boss has forbidden me to see you anymore!
(Crying) I’m sorry, Russia!! I hope we will be able to see each other again one day!!! (crying)

Latvia: She’s so weird…! Really…!

Russia: Nh…

Russia: Hetalia!

Russia’s narration: This is Belarus, my little sister. She’s very pretty, isn’t she! She says she loves me, but sometimes I’m not so sure…! Nhh…

[Tremble, tremble]

Russia: (afraid)

Belarus: Big Brother! Big Brother! Come on, let’s become one!! You know you want to! Why do you have to be such a jerk all the time?! (Hisssssssssss) Open this damn door right this instant! You and I are going to get together whether you like it or not; open up, brother! Let me iiiiiiiinnnnnnnnn….

Russia: Go away!!

Belarus: Hetalia!

Russia’s narration: This is Belarus. She’s my little sister! She’s got a lot of inner strength and is very tenacious! But… not in a good way…

Russia: Ah…!!

Belarus: Big Brother… the doorknob that was keeping us apart is gone; isn’t that nice? Now, Big Brother, marry me, marry me, marry me, marry me, marry me, marry me, marry me, marry me, marry me-

Russia: Go away, go away, go away, go away!!!!!!

[Russia’s Big Sister and Little Sister]

[Adapt yourself to the international community soon] [Merge!! Merge!! Merge!!]
[Why do you hate me?] [Scared]

Children: Russia’s little sister and big sister!
Miss Ukraine!

[Ms. Ukraine]

Narrator: Russia’s big sister has been a victim of circumstance for a while now. After her independence, in 1991, she has kept her distance from Russia. Recently, she’s befriended America and some European countries. She’s still poor though, so she spends most of her time absorbed in dirty things, like farming.

[Russia’s big sister has been a victim of circumstance for a while now. After her independence in 1991, she has kept her distance from Russia. Recently, she’s befriended America and some European countries. She is still poor, though, so she spends most of her time absorbed in dirty things like farming.]

Children: Miss Belarus!

[Ms. Belarus]

Narrator: Russia’s little sister probably suffers from bi-polar disorder and annoys the crap out of Russia. Reportedly the last dictatorship in all of Europe, she is really good at taking advantage of people and pissing them off. She likes to pretend she is not slowly losing her money or her mind. But she is.

[Russia’s little sister probably suffers from bi-polar disorder and annoys the crap out of Russia. Reportedly the last dictatorship in all of Europe, she is really good at taking advantage of people and pissing them off. She likes to pretend she is not slowly losing her money or her mind. But she is.]

Children: I love Big Brother Russia!

[I love Big Brother Russia]

Narrator: Belarus really does love Russia so much! Russia doesn’t want to hook up with her for a couple of reasons, though. Number one: she’s kind of a bummer; and two: she’s kind of his sister, which is disgusting. But now that she’s allies with America like Ukraine, Russia simply doesn’t know what to do!

[Belarus really does love Russia so much. Russia doesn’t want to hook up with her for a couple of reasons, though. Number one: she’s kind of a bummer; and two: she’s kind of his sister, which is disgusting. But now that she’s allies with America like Ukraine, Russia simply doesn’t know what to do.]

(Marukaite Chikyuu: Russia)

Translations
• Привет: Hello (Russian)
• Gas Payments: Ukraine continuously fails to pay Russia for the natural gas he supplies her with. Because of this, he cut off the gas supply many times, most recently in this June (2014). According to Gazprom, Russia’s state-backed gas industry, they’re trying to get $4.5 billion they claim to be owed from Ukraine though a lawsuit, with a goal of $6 billon to be recovered. It also says that Ukraine can last until December without Russia’s help, so hopefully her crisis will be over by then.
• Belarus’s Marriage Obsession: In December of 1998, Belarus and Russia signed the “Treaty on Equal Rights of Citizens between Belarus and Russia.” Together, they actually make up the Union State (of Russia and Belarus), a supranational entity. Originally, when the Soviet Union fell, she drifted away from him like everyone else, but as the West started creeping up on Eastern Europe, Russia became desperate to have an ally. After their treaty was signed, Russia asked if Belarus would completely become part of Russia, to which she declined. The two also had Gas Wars because Russia wanted her to pay more for her gas, because apparently, Belarus was putting a strain on Russia’s money. They’re still the Union State today, so it’s like their countries are already married.