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Germany: Und now for more training. All you need to do is plant this somewhere in the enemy territory.

Italy: Yeah! I can do that!

Germany: Don’t forget, you must not let them see you either. Und also, we are in Russia, so you have to be extra careful.

Italy: Run run run run run! Planting~!

Germany: Why can you never listen?! GAHH!!

[Squadsman 1]

Italy: Hey look! I did it! Good for me! Hahahaha!

Germany: Retreat!!!!! Retreat now!!!!!!!

(Opening)

Narrator: The time was the 11th century. In Britain, the long flowing locks usually associated with France were in vogue. Apparently, the king was a huge fan of French culture. And quite possibly a switch-hitter.

[Hair and clothes in medieval England]

[Smirk smirk]

France: Hello, Britain! You are looking as ugly and short as ever. Tell me, how long do you plan on being the Plain Jane of the world? Oh honhonhonhon!

Chibirisu: You shut your froggy mouth! Besides, the church would never want me to grow my hair out like you because I’m not a big sissy girl!

France: You are also very stupid; everyone who is anyone wears their hair long! All the ladies love it! The men too! You cannot resist this hair!

Chibirisu: Why are you always such a damn wanker?!

France: Alright you jealous boy, good luck not being such a loser! Adieu! Oh honhonhonhonhonhon!

Chibirisu: What? He only came here to taunt me?!
Bugger off!! I’m not jealous of your shait hair, you snail slurper! Don’t ever show your face around here again, Rapunzel!! Nh…
Nh… see…? I look just fine…! Right…?

Bishop: Cut it!!
(Chibirisu: Ah! Ah!! Ah!! Ah!!)
Bishop: I said cut your hair!! Cut it off!!!

Narrator: After that, Britain kept running from the Bishop and somehow succeeded in growing out his hair. And shaming himself.

[After that, England kept running from the Bishop and somehow succeeded in growing his hair.]

Chibirisu: (running)
(Bishop: Where did you go?! I’ll rip that hair out of your head, you blasphemer!)

Chibirisu: I can’t believe I’ve been running for six months already! My hair has to be longer than France’s by now! Righto, mirror! Don’t disappoint me! I’ve waited far too long for this moment! Now, let’s take a look at how long this glorious mane has gotten!

Chibirisu’s thoughts: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha… color me impressed with my impressiveness! Mmhahahahahahahahahaha…

France: Oh no! I came for Britain, but found a giant caterpillar instead!

Chibirisu: Ah!

France: Oh crap; the caterpillar ate Britain!!

Chibirisu: Shut up! I AM Britain, you idiot!!

France: Hetalia!

[Smirk smirk]

France: You know what… it’s not just my hair being long that makes me so beautiful.

Chibirisu: Son of a… why didn’t you tell me? Now I look ridiculous!

France: Oh, come on! How was I supposed to know you wanted to look like me; of course I knew! Oh honhonhonhonhon! So then tell me! What do you think of the way I arranged your mop? Good, no?

Chibirisu: Wow… I look exactly like you… a big douchebag… please change it; the last thing in the entire world I would want to look like is you.

France: Well alright! If you say so!

(Chibirisu: Eh…)
France: There you go! How about this?

Chibirisu: Ah… it’s not bad, but… isn’t there someone over in your neighborhood that looks like this?

England: Hetalia!

Chibirisu: Look, Francey Pants, I’m trusting you to make it something that fits me and is hip and cool!

France: Oh yes, whatever you say, my lord. Although I don’t know if “hip and cool” necessarily fit you…

Chibirisu: (sleeping)

Dream Chibirisu: I have the silkiest hair in the whole world!

Chibirisu’s thoughts: When he finally finishes, I’ll get to be the hair guy for once…

France: Hello daydreamer, I am talking to you! All done! You love it, do you not?

Chibirisu: Nh… ah!! Uwawawawawa…uwawawawawa… you ass-face frog eater; this is exactly like my old hairstyle!!

France: Oh honhonhonhonhonhon!
(Chibirisu: Hey!!!)
France: Apparently boring hair is what looks best on you~! Oh honhonhonhonhonhon!

Chibirisu: You cheese eating surrender monkey!

(Marukaite Chikyuu: England)

Translations
• The king was a huge fan of French fashion: History is a jerk to me when it’s as early as the 11th century, but anyway, the English monarchs that ruled in the 11th century are as follows—Æthelred the Unready (best name for a king ever), Sweyn Forkbeard (Viking with kickass last name), Æthelred again, Edmund Ironside, Cnut, Harold Harefoot, Harthacnut, Edward the Confessor, Harold Godwinson, Edgar the Ætheling, William I, and William II. So, Iggy likes to have lots of rulers. Some of this was him being conquered by a Danish dude, so I highly doubt the king he speaks of is Cnut, Mr. Harefoot, or Harthacnut. Chances are it’s one of the Williams, as William I was a Norman (France) dude who conquered England. Anyway, French was considered very high in fashion and class, so people tried to dress and act French when they could. It got to the point where the English language was considered peasants’ talk, and French words would be used whenever possible. That’s why we say “beef” (bœuf) and “pork” (porc) instead of “cow” and “pig” like the rest of the world does. It also probably explains why we have so many synonyms. These are all synonyms for good (for fitting a role) in French. “Supérieure, la qualité, excellent, superbe, exceptionnelle, acceptable, brillant.” Seem familiar?
EDIT: "the king the narrator is most likely referring to would be edward the confessor who was raised in french courts which made him rather alien to his english subjects when he assumed the throne in 1042 since his first language was decidedly french and his preferred customs likewise. although he was wed he never produced an heir as he had taken a vow of celibacy. no legitimate heir led to the legendary four-way brawl that is the succession crisis (mostly three sides however, with Harold Godwinson, Harald Hardrada and William of Normandy aka William the Bastard being the forerunning figures) which culminated in the battle of hastings and the continuation of norman culture being embedded into england's identity.
the 'switch-hitter' comment refers to the various rumours during edward's rule about his sexual orientation as a result of his lack of children and general weak "effeminate" personality" -yellowhellopanda
• Adieu: Farewell (French). Which, by the way, is actually in the English dictionary. It’s an English word too.
• Shait: The British version of “shit,” I believe.
• Random Historical inaccuracies: France calls Iggy “Britain,” when he was not Britain until 1707. He was only England during this episode, as Scotland, Wales, and Ireland were not in union with him. Rapunzel was published in 1812. England complains that France cut his hair like Switzerland. Switzerland was founded around the year 1291, so he technically shouldn’t be alive yet. Lastly, England calls France a “cheese eating surrender monkey.” France had only been in one war as of this time, which he won (first crusade).