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Italy: Hey commander~! I found another crab; can I eat it?

Germany: Go ahead, but don’t get it stuck in your hair this time.

Japan: Germany. Look; I have found fresh fruit. I was surprised. You can find much food if you look.

Italy: Wow…! That’s some weird stuff you found, Japan! It almost looks like real fruit!

Japan: There is plenty more back there if we are needing it.

Italy: *laughing* Hey, Japan! Germany! Let’s play a game of Marco Polo, okay? Go!! Ahaha!

(Italy: Marco! *laughing*)
Germany and Japan: Polo.

Japan: It’s nice to spend time like this once in a while…

(Italy: *laughing* Can I open my eyes yet?)
Germany and Japan: Not yet.

Japan: Whole life… I have dreamed of wasting days away doing nothing on a beautiful island like this…

Germany: …mm… it’s almost perfect.
(Italy: Hey, who took-a my shorts? You jokers!)

Japan: Now, if only someone would come rescue us, it would make things perfect.
(Italy: *stuff I can’t hear* It was just my foot! Wait, that’s not my foot! AAH! How’d that get there?! I feel funny…!! I’ll be out of the water…)

(Opening)

Italy: Hey there Germany!! I finished all my preparations to become your best ally ever!!!!
(Germany: Hm?)

Germany: After weeks of hearing about it, I should at least take a look.
(Italy: *laughter*)

Italy: Tada!! First I got pasta, pasta sauces, wine, pasta fruits! And ingredients for pasta!

Germany: This is not preparation for war!!

Italy: Don’t sweat it! I also made stuff for the war! Aha~!! I made one especially for you too!

Germany: Ah… for me too?

Italy: Mm hmm! I pulled an all-nighter making them by hand!

Germany: They’re handmade…?

[“I surrender
--Germany”]

[“I surrender
--Italy”]

Italy: And! You can also use them with the girls you date!

Italy: Hetalia!

Italy: Germany! Since you got so mad at me the other day, I finally figured out something you’re going to love~!

Germany: Finally… this better turn out to be something useful…
(Italy: *laughter*)

Italy: I added a pizza!

Germany: It’s the same!!!

Italy: Um…

Germany: Do you really think you can win a battle armed with carbohydrates!?

Italy: Uh…

Germany: You must have something that’s useful for fighting… other than food.

Italy: I do have Machiavelli…

Germany: Sorry, but that guy’s a total pussy.

[Niccolo Machiavelli: His most important work is The Prince. Being concerned about weak Italy, he wrote a tactical treatise. However, when he put this theory into practice, sadly, he turned out to be incompetent. Military theorist Carl Von Clausewitz said, “Well, he wasn’t wrong. He wasn’t, but…”]

Germany: Ah… well, I guess that should do it.

Japan: Excellent…! So this is your flowchart that help people like Americans vaguely understand current state of world affairs.

Germany: That’s right.

[“Current World Affairs Vaguely Explained”
England
(England ↔ France) Fighting each other to the death since birth
(England ↔ France) Can’t cooperate
America
(America → England) Annoying. Already prepared strategies against England
China
(China → England) Opium War
Russia
(Russia → China) Wants to control
(Russia → England) Holds grudge over having their southward expansion stopped
(England → Russia) Why, you!!
France]

Japan: Hmm… interesting. It does make you feel like world’s affairs are vague…

Germany: Doesn’t it? Hey, Italy!

Italy: Finito!

Germany and Japan: Ah!

Italy: PASTAAAAAAAA!

Germany: That’s a…

Japan: …pasta dish sandcastle… it’s a work of art…!

Germany: Yes… and it’s making me very hungry!

Kids: Chibitalia!

Chibitalia: By any chance do you serve pasta here?-
Austria: No we don’t.

Narrator: And so. Italy started working as a tiny adorable servant at Holy Roman Empire’s house.

Chibitalia: Ah… all of the paintings at Mr. Austria’s house are incredible! I want to be able to draw all the time, like I used to! I wonder if they have drawing stuff…
I just found ink and a big brush… I can’t draw anything with this… oh…!

(Chibitalia: Ahaha! Ahahaa! *laughing*)
Austria: Now that’s just mean.

Japan: Germany. I think we need a team name.

Germany: Team name?

Japan: はい。(Hai.) Italy and I thought about it earlier. What do you think about “Axis?”

Germany: “Axis…?”

Japan: It mean—we are all connected together by an axis, and when we prevail, the world will turn on that new axis.

Germany: Abstract. I was thinking “Fire Death Team.”

Japan: No… it better to confuse with obtuse metaphor.

Germany: If you say so… in German you would have to say, “Eine Achse.”

Japan: Sounds badass.

Italy: In Italian that would be “Un Asse….!” *sleeping noises*

[“Japan” “Italy” “Germany”]
Italy: Hey look at this, the Earth really is revolving around us! (Woohoo! Yay! Woo! Yay!...)

Germany: Then it’s decided.

America: Dude, I even smell like a hero! Check it!
England: At least I didn’t need a delusional 16 year old girl to fight my battles!
France: Careful, now.
Russia: I would beware of that newfound smell…! (or something like that)
China: White peoples. Sheesh.

[Hetalia Continued Next Episode…]

(Marukaite Chikyuu: Italy)

Translations
• That’s some weird stuff you found, Japan! It almost looks like real fruit!: Funimation enjoys making fun of the relatively poor artwork that the anime displays most of the time. Another moment I remember is when China is showing the new animals he discovered to his boss; when he gets to the camel, which isn’t really drawn to be an accurate camel, I believe he says, “This is supposed to be a camel!” Also, when America draws pop art chibis of the allies in place of the chibis England usually draws, someone exclaims, “These are worse than our actual animations!!” Here, Italy is saying that the artists did a pretty good job of making it look like fruit this time.

• Marco Polo: Here’s a fact! It’s believed that the game is based on how Marco Polo didn’t know where he was going when he was out exploring. Marco Polo himself was Venetian, like our Italy, and he traveled to China (which was currently in the Mongol Empire run by Kublai Khan.) China thought the Polos were super cool, so much that he wouldn’t let them leave for 17 years. Kublai especially liked Marco, and sent him on diplomatic missions often. He also requested for them to bring Christian missionaries and oil from the lamp or Jerusalem. Marco Polo died in 1324 due to age. And there is your new knowledge of the day! (source: Wikipedia and History.com)

• Machiavelli: His name was actually Niccolò Machiavelli (the accent is important.) The Prince basically stated that a ruling power must separate politics from ethics. It also emphasizes practicality and free will, rather than relying on religious belief to explain everything. (source: sparknotes) Some of his portraits make him look a bit derpy. Germany’s issue with him is that his book, The Art of War (not Sun Tzu’s book), was apparently pretty crappy, but I’ve never read it so I can’t go into detail on why exactly.

• Carl Von Clausewitz: Wait for it… his name… Carl Philipp Gottfried von Clausewitz was a German-Prussian soldier and military theorist. He fought in the Napoleonic Wars and The Siege of Mainz, which was part of the French Revolution (While France was busy beating himself up, he thought it’d be a smart idea to declare war on Austria.) (source: wikipedia) I can’t find anything on what he said about Machiavelli.

• Current world affairs vaguely explained:
o America is constantly, well, being American, which in general tends to annoy Britain. He seems to always be making plans to show off to others and get his way. One of his dismissed heroic plans was to blow up the moon, just because he could (he decided against it when he realized that MAYBE the world wouldn’t be thrilled that the moon was destroyed by a nuclear missile.) Granted, both America and Britain have their good and bad points and tend to over exaggerate these into each other’s faces, but I think there’s a slight grudge in Iggy that he’s being overshadowed by his former colony.

o Britain and France should really need no explanation. Just go check the infinite amount of wars they’ve fought against each other, or just watch more Hetalia. Officially, they’re now friends, but there’s still the traditional tension between the two. And apparently, the British don’t like French cooking and are upset because they stand alone on that matter.

o Opium War: Iggy sells China opium. The Chinese becomes addicted. China realizes that opium is a drug and maybe his people shouldn’t be smoking it so much. Then he has the bright idea to gather a drug you smoke into a big pile and set it on fire (or at least that’s what I remember from seventh grade.) China bans opium, which pisses Iggy off, and they go to war. Iggy wins, and China loses Hong Kong and is forced to keep buying opium.

o Wants to control: The Soviet Union wanted to control everything. Our Russia had his eye on China for a while.

o Southward Expansion: Russia’s reasoning for control over new lands can be explained by three words—warm water port. Until they got Black Sea access, their best option was St. Petersburg, which would freeze for half the year. So warm is south. Russia eventually began moving into Western Asia, at which point they ran into Britain on opposite sides of Afghanistan. The two had a brief confrontation, which ended with the Anglo-Russian Entente. The entente basically said that Afghanistan would remain independent and act as a fence between the two powers, along with some other spheres of influence things. The whole thing is often called The Great Game. [1907]

• Finito: Finished (Italian) (technically, it should be ho finito)

• はい (Hai): Yes (Japanese)

• Delusional 16 year old girl: Jean d’Arc