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Description
Phone: *ring*

Germany: …ngh…

(Opening)

Italy: Germany! Germany! A stranger just told me that he’d treat me to a tasty dinner, so I went with him to get the pasta, but it turned out he only had a hamburger the whole time!

America: Yo, Britain! I totally caught Italy!
(Italy: *weird noises*)

England: Nicely done! Let’s hit him violently and get what we can out of him!

Italy: No need! I’ll tell you everything I know!

America: This dude is lame! Maybe we should make him work!

Italy: My bad ooooopsiiiiiie~

America: Ok, so what now?!

England: I wrote a letter to Germany; this is what he said. “Please prepare him good food, a cute girl, and a foot slash soccer ball. Also, he will die if he accidentally learns French, so be careful.

Italy: Uwah… they said they were shipping me back because I was too much work for them!!!

Germany: Welcome back, Italy…

Phone: *ring*

Italy: Germany! Germany!! There was a pretty girl, so I hit on her! But it turns out the pretty girl was France in disguise!!

France: Ohh~ guess who just captured us a little Italy?

America and England: What!?

[Sign on Doghouse: “Italy”]

America: He’s such a pain; let’s put him in jail or something!

Italy: Woof woof!

England: Alright, I’ll feed him…

Italy: Woof woof!
AAAAAAUGH!!!!!!! THIS FOOD TASTES TERRIBLE!!!!!!!!!! I’VE NEVER EATEN ANYTHING SO INCREDIBLY BLAND AND DISGUSTING!!!!!

Britain: It’s terrible…? You think my food is bland…?

Italy: WAHAHAHHHH! THE WORST!!! EVEN GERMANY’S MUSHY POTATOES TASTE BETTER THAN THIS SOGGY MESS OF GOO!!!!

America: You’re not helping…

Italy: *muffled noises. I think they gagged him*

Germany: Welcome back… again…

Phone: *ring*

Italy: Germany! Germany! I’m in North Africa right now, and I can’t tie my shoelaces! And what’s even worse, Britain is here!

Germany: …nh…

England: Come see! I captured Germany by using Italy as a decoy!

Germany: Damn. I should’ve known better.

America: Way to rock, Britain!

France: Oui! Now you will tell us everything you know! Or else.

Germany: Before I tell you, I have something I want to say! It goes a little something like this! Lutschen mein balls!

Italy: Uwaaah!! Why are you pointing a gun at me I’ve already told you I’ll tell you everything I know which is pretty much everything I know please don’t kill me, please!!

Germany: Do your worst!! Compared to my everyday life, your kind of torture would be like bites from a mosquito!

Italy: Yeah, he’s kind of a sadist; actually, he’s a potent super kind of sadist, with lots of hardcore books and DVDs! You can’t guess what I’ve seen living with him! There was one video I saw that had dogs in it! And he really likes tying people up too, and I’m sure you know what that means! Up until recently, his government endorsed bestiality with all of its soldiers!

Germany: *pant pant pant…*
I hate you and your ass face.

Kids: Chibitalia!

Narrator: Although Italy is small, he’s kind of a pig, so the meals he’s getting just aren’t enough.

[Food Scraps]

Chibitalia: Pasta, are you hiding here?

HRE: Ah…

Chibitania: Nnnnnnnnn..!! Schifo… no way I’m eating this crap!

[Gourmet]

HRE: …hm…

Chibitalia: I’m so hungry! Hold on…! Is that food? Is it there for me? Ahaha! Thank you whoever you are!

………this sucks!

HRE: Ah…!

[Gourmet]

Austria: What do I do with you?! You steal food whenever I turn my back!

Chibitalia: Sorry…

Austria: You think about what you did! You got it?!

Chibitalia: ……sì…

HRE: Huh…

Chibitalia: I am starving in here!!
AAAAAAH!!!

Italy: Hetalia!

Phone: *ring*

[Picture next to Japan: Sincerity]

Japan: Hai. Japan here.

Italy: Japan! Japan!! Help me! Help me!! Help me!!! Help-a me!!!! Help me!!!!! HELP MEEEEE!!!!!!!!

Japan: We shall see.

[Continued next episode]

(Marukaite Chikyuu: Italy)

Translations
• Lutschen mein balls!: Suck my balls (German, but balls was left in English)
• Bestiality: The definitions are (a) savage, cruel, or depraved behavior, and (b) sexual intercourse between a person and an animal. I’ll leave the rest to your imaginations.
• Schifo: disgust (Italian)