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Description
Narrator: Right around the time Italy was enjoying the Renaissance, Sweden started a rebellion against Denmark, and the Teutonic Knights, who are really Germans, started to take on Poland and Lithuania. Of course, China was way ahead of everyone. They'd been a seasoned traveler for centuries and had given the world things like the compass, paper, gunpowder, and mushu pork. As such, they expected to be showered with gifts wherever they went. Which is why they sailed around in such big ships. To carry all the stuff back! They were kind of like that smart aunt who brought an extra bag to family Christmas out of town.

(Opening)

China: Ahh… we've gotten gifts from every corner of the world. Now we get to finally go back to our own country. The rest of the world is not so fun.

Zheng He: Are you talking to the fish again?

[Mr. Zheng He]

China: No, I'm just talking to myself.

[Zheng He (1371-1434)
A eunuch who went on many expeditions around the world and brought back various things.]

China: I've finally returned!

Emperor: Ah! It took you long enough. I was starting to get worried. You have my thanks for such a hard journey. Ok! Let's get to all the stuff you brought back for me.

China: Alright. Gifts from the ends of the Earth. And some are from even further because we got lost whenever captain was drinking heavily.
First gift! It's a leopard!

[Hao! Hao!]

Leopard: Leopaaaard.

Emperor: How mysterious!

China: This one is called an ostrich! Ostriiiich!

[Hao! Hao!]

Ostrich: Oooostrich!

Emperor: How queer and strange!

[Hao! Hao!]

China: This is supposed to look like a camel!

Camel: Camellll…

Emperor: Ohh! This beast confounds my senses! Surely there are none left to top queerness of camel!

China: But I have one more!
A giraffe! A hideous freak of nature!

[Hao! Hao!]

Giraffe: Giraffe.

Emperor: HUOOOOAAAH!!

Narrator: In China, there was a mythical creature named a Qilin brought over from Bengal as a tribute, which so entranced the people that they lined up for miles to see it. Now we can just drive to the zoo or look online, once again proving that the past sucked.

China: Hetalia!

Narrator: China was the first to travel the world. Unless you believe my neighbor, who swears it was the Anunnaki from the planet Nibiru. But now that the Chinese shopping slash poaching spree was coming to an end, and… oh look! China is sleepy~!

Chinese Man: Excuse me. It's not like you to just lie around. Shouldn't you be traveling to more foreign country?

China: No thanks. Tired. And the world is stupid.

Bird: (farewell)

China: Nh… why should I have to go everywhere? Zheng He was the one who wanted to see all those exotic places, not me. Besides… I'm home. And everything I've ever wanted can be found in the depths of my own heart. Except for money. Do you know how much it costs to travel these days?

Chinese Man: Then let's start a fight with Japan!

[Nekotalia
If the world was made up of cats…]

Italy-cat: Ve-meow~!

Russia-cat's narration: Hi! I'm Russia-cat. And so I'm excited! My master became friends with people at Italy-cat's house recently which means I get to meet some new cats!

Russia: Hey there. You know, I had a little business meeting with Italy again today. Looks like we're going to make cars together!

Russia-cat: Dyaa!

Russia-cat's narration: I guess it would be alright for me to go introduce myself then. I love making new friends!
What's this?

Romano-cat: Don't sit so close to me!
Italy-cat: Your claws! Can't you retract?!

Russia-cat's narration: Looks like they're fighting.

Italy-cat and Romano-cat: Gyehh!

Russia-cat: You two shouldn't be doing the fighting!

Italy-cat and Romano-cat: Euwawawawa…

Russia-cat: You see that? Now everyone can relax because we're all good friends!

Belarus-cat: NHAAAAAH!

Belarus-cat: MEOWWWwww!

Germany-cat's narration: This is Austria. His accent is like mine und we both like sausage, but it's hard to get us confused.

Germany-cat: Hey. We're going to be late for the neighborhood cat meeting.

Austria-cat: Nhhh? I can't go out looking like this; the other cats are going to make fun of me!

Germany-cat: You're a hateful, selfish troll.
Hmm?

Austria-cat: How I long for the life of a domestic cat in a flat in the city! Hmmngh!

Germany-cat: What's wrong?

Austria-cat: I just did my nails, and now they'll get a smoodgy!

Germany-cat: Good grief.

(Hatafutte Parade, zooms in on France)

Translations
• Sweden's rebellion: The rebellion they're mentioning is the Engelbrekt rebellion (1434-6), led by Engelbrekt Engelbrektsson (lol). Basically, Denmark kept going to war against the Hanseatic League, so the latter kept blockading Sweden which isn't exactly great for business. Sweden thought to himself, "however will I sell my iron to the rest of Europe?" And Denmark kept up taxes despite the basic lack of revenue so Engelbrektsson and other miners called bullshit and rebelled. While Denmark held on for a while longer, the rebellion is significant for weakening the unity of the Kalmar Union, setting a precedent for Swedish sovereignty, and establishing democratic processes in Sweden that included peasant participation.
• Teutonic Knights vs Poland and Lithuania: The Teutonic Order was a Catholic religious/military order founded in 1190 in the Kingdom of Jerusalem. The Old Prussians was Christianized by the knights from 1214-1274, and by the end of that Prussia was under Teutonic control, who then started poking at Lithuania. During the same time period of China's travels, the Teutonic Order went to war against the Kingdom of Poland and Grand Duchy of Lithuania (not yet in a commonwealth) a few times. In the Polish-Lithuanian-Teutonic War (1409-11), Lithuania supported an uprising in Prussia so the two sent some mean letters to each other and also went to war. That's the war that Finland reminisces about in a later episode. Also during this time was the Hunger War (1414), after which famine plagued Prussia (along with plague), the Gollub War (1422), which ended the struggles with Lithuania, and the Polish-Teutonic War (1431-35). Prussia lost a lot back then.
• China's travels: From 1405-1433, the Ming Dynasty sent Zheng He on seven diplomatic missions with really big boats to increase trade and receive tribute. Tributes were basically gifts presented to China by smaller states in exchange for friendly relations. 317 ships set off and traveled around, visiting Southeast Asia, India, the Arabian Peninsula, all the way to East Africa. The Chinese would give the local rulers a goodie bag of expensive things to say "I'm better than you" to which the locals would reply "damn you're right we better pay tribute." Unless you're king Alagakkonara of Sri Lanka, then you might need to be kidnapped first. Tributes included gems, medicine, and of course animals.
• Zheng He: Zheng He was born in the Yunnan province of Southwestern China to a Muslim family as Ma He, but he was kidnapped by Ming forces and put into military conscription under the future emperor Yongle. He progressed through the ranks,, became head eunuch, and supported Yongle during the civil war that saw him become emperor. For these reasons, he was chosen to lead the maritime expeditions. Zheng He died before completing his last voyage. He left books describing his voyages, and is still considered one of, if not the best Chinese explorers of all time. Also, he did other things on the expeditions such as stopping a pirate and settling disputes.
• Qilin: The 麒麟 (Qilin) is the Chinese equivalent of a unicorn in nature, although it doesn't really look like a horse. It is peaceful and vegetarian, and its appearance signifies the birth or death of an important person. There are varied descriptions of a qilin; some descriptions give it a horn in the middle of its head, the head of a dragon, scales, perpetually on fire, the list goes on. When giraffes were brought from East Africa, their diet, quiet nature, horns, spots (scales), and long legs were similar to that of a qilin, so they appointed it as such.
• Anunnaki of Nibiru: Historically, Anunnaki are deities which appear in ancient Mesopotamian mythologies. Their role changes based on which culture is telling the story. In 1976, Zecharia Sitchin reimagined the Anunnaki as aliens from the undiscovered planet Nibiru. In this story, detailed in The 12th Planet, they came to earth to look for gold, created homo erectus (an ancestor to modern humans) for slave labor, and built the pyramids. I say story, but I think he wasn't entirely joking. His story evolved further posthumously into basis for those "reptilians control the government" conspiracies.
• No more travels, the world is stupid: Following Zheng He's death, the new emperor Xuande discontinued expeditions, going as far as to ban the construction and usage of ocean-going ships. This was because most of the world did not agree with China's narcissistic views and therefore refused to set up tribute, making the voyages unprofitable. China returned to its relatively isolationist activities.
• Let's start a fight with Japan: I actually can't find any fight between China and Japan soon after Zheng He's travels, mainly because with maritime trade banned, China didn't have much of a navy to reach Japan with. I have read about Japanese pirates that were a problem for China around the same time, peaking in the mid-1500s. In 1549, Japan cancelled its subscription to Tributary States Monthly, effectively cutting off all remaining trade. The next time they legit fought that I can find was in 1592, when Japan invaded Korea and was pushed back by joint Korean-Ming forces.
• Russia and Italy making cars together: Prior to the Soviet Union, Russia did not have an automobile industry. And then the Soviet Union happened, and Prombron and AMO began a true industry. AMO actually designed and built trucks based off of FIAT designs! However Russia wouldn't stop building trucks for whatever industrial reason, and there was a demand for automobiles but they just kept building a disproportionate amount of trucks. In the 1960s, cars became very fashionable, so the Soviet Union FINALLY decided to make more cars, opting to team up with FIAT to produce cars based on one of their preexisting models. They chose the Fiat 124 because it was simple and easy to build/repair. The partnership happened in 1966. The 124 was adapted for Russian terrain and the company later evolved into AvtoVAZ. AvtoVAZ eventually was able to export to the Western world, as long as it wasn't in competition with FIAT.