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Prussia: The stupid anime writers have no idea what they are doing. Germany gets all the screen time und the jokes that get beeped! I’m awesome Prussia, not some bit player like France.

[Actor Angst] (In reality, it says “Pop”)

Prussia: That’s it. Since I’m already pissed anyway, I’ll just torment these guys instead. The great Prussia will unleash secret weapon kept hidden all this time.
That’s right! A diary. One I’ve been writing in like a silly junior high girl since time began! Nobody has escaped my covert condescension. Hehe! You may have tried to bury past humiliations, but they’ll all be dug up by me! (chuckle)

(Opening)

Children: The Great Prussia’s Diary! Part 1!

[The Great Prussia’s Diary
Part 1]

Chibi Prussia: The Great Prussia’s Diary, Volume 128. I am awesome! Side note: that Hungary guy is annoying.

[The Great Prussia’s Diary, Volume 128. I was completely amazing. Side note: that Hungary guy is annoying.]

Chibi Hungary: No, I did not call you here so we could play topfschlagen, whatever that is. I need you to protect Burzenland from the Cumans for me! It looks like they’re planning to invade. Again. These are bloodthirsty, savage warriors, so the one thing you have to remember is—

[I defended Hungary’s house.]

Children: I defended Hungary’s house. Yes I did.

Chibi Prussia: No problem! I can do anything! (battle cry)

Chibi Hungary: Wait; I haven’t given you the battle plans! Ugh, I hope he knows what he’s getting into. He never listens to me and is kinda slow in the head.

Chibi Prussia: I am awesome! Shout that I am awesome! Kneel down and cry!

Chibi Hungary: You were only gone for six seconds! There’s no way!

Chibi Prussia: To reward Prussia for being so awesome, I’m going to give myself… all of Burzenland!!

Chibi Poland: Ah?

Chibi Prussia: I would recommend that you stay far away from Hungary. That guy has some serious anger issues! Und he is a crackpot.

Prussia: Hehehehehehe… I was so cute when I was younger. Oh, heck, I still am!

Children: No you’re not!

Prussia: Hetalia!

Romano: Look here, Germany, I’ve got something dinkish to say to you!

Germany: Ja? Go ahead, then.

Romano: My brother and I have finally patched things up and gotten back together, but because of you it’s falling apart! He just walks around saying “Germany! Ah, Germany!” so stay away from him or there’s going to be trouble, ok?! The German people are so backwards and judgmental. Just looking at them makes me feel-a barfy.

Germany: Please don’t hurl on me. But just so you know… a quick study of ancient lineage will show you that your brother has a lot of the German blood within him.

Romano: You’re taking that back!! I am so punching your ear! Visualize that kind of pain, Fritzy!

Germany: Why is it always like this with you!?

Romano: Hp! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Germany: Huh?
Romano: Oof!

Italy: I know you’re still not talking, but could I ask who beat you up?

Romano: This is all your fault, you stupid imbecile!

Italy: What?! What did I ever do wrong?!

Romano: Hetalia.

Romano: Miss me much, you krauty kraut? It’s time to get you back for occupying Rome!

Germany: Is that right? Good luck, mein Freund.

Romano: Hehehehe! This time I brought the secret weapon along! Your ass is grass, Herr sassafras! Prepare to meet your boring god in your boring German heaven!

Germany: Nn! Hey, what the heck was that? It felt as though you just tried to throw a…--DUAAAAAAAH!!

Romano: (satisfied muffled laugh)
Germany: You’ve got it backwards, you fool!! Military dyslexia must run strong in their family!!

Italy: Hetalia!

America: Canada! Dude, wanna play a little catch with me, bro, huh?

Canada: Ok…! Ready, eh? Go ahead!

America: Kay, dude, better get ready, ‘cause here comes the thundah!

Canada: Hit it with your best shot! I can catch any ball you thro-…augh!!
Hey… I’ve got an idea…! How about we try playing where nobody gets slaughtered.

America: You want me to throw it like France?

Canada: That works…! ‘Cause then we can both have fun!—augh!!
(America: Here it comes!)

Canada: Not very fun… a little slower?

America: Lemme try again.

Canada: Sure thing, pal.—augh!! Nghh… maybe I should use the word “softer.”

America: Here!

Canada: Augh!! Are you doing this on purpose?

America: No!

Canada: Rotator cuff!!

America: Loser! Hahaha!

Canada: Oof! Nh…! Nhh…
America, you’re seriously twisted! Everything is not about domination! Try relaxing like me every once in a while!

America: Dude, I’m not sure I could ever love moose and drag my ass as much as you do, kay?

Canada: Nnnnnnnn!! My grandma taught me the true spirit of the maple leaf, and it’s in her honor I now defend, you stupid hoser!
(America: Ahahahahahahaha! Hahahahaha!)

America: Your grandma sounds hot!

[Canada is happy again today.]

(Marukaite Chikyuu: Italy)

Children: To be continued, maybe.

Translations
• Topfschlagen: Hit the pot. Someone is “it” and closes their eyes, while everyone else hides a gift in a pot and hides the pot in the room. The person who is “it” takes a cooking spoon, gets down on the floor, and look for the pot by banging the spoon on the floor. The reward is getting to keep the present.
• Bit player: A role that has direct interaction with the principal actors, but very little dialogue. It’s often used to describe an actor who hasn’t yet broken into the big leagues.
• Burzenland: A historical region in what is now the Romanian part of Transylvania. In 1211, Hungary asked the Teutonic Nights for help in defending her home from Cuman invasion, and as a reward gave him the area. However, he was a jerk to the local bishopric, and she kicked him out to Prussia fourteen years later.
• Cumans: A Turkic nomadic tribe, and the western part of the Cuman-Kipchak confederation. Nobody really knows where they originated or if they were actually originally Turkic, though. Due to Mongol invasions, they began to seek refuge in the Balkan area.
• Italy has German blood: From the 2nd to 5th century, many Germanic tribes migrated to/ruled Italy, such as the Goths, Lombards, Vandals, and Ostrogoths. This, of course, led to some Germanic influences, mostly in Northern Italy, which was closer. Meanwhile, Romano was influenced more by Arabic nations, and in the webcomic it mentions that Romano has Arabic blood while Italy has Germanic blood. The brothers lived separately until unification in 1861, so there isn’t much in common between the two. Italy was a bunch of city-states, the strongest being Milan, Florence, and Venice, which fought a lot and were also invaded a lot, while Romano was the Kingdom of Sicily, and later the Kingdom of Naples, which was basically told what to do by Spain and France. This actually also shows in their language and their pasta sauce.
• Fritzy: Describing something German or having German qualities
• Mein Freund: My friend (German)
• Occupying Rome: According to the DVD, the occupation they’re referring to is when Visgothic tribes sacked Rome in 410 AD and established their own rule. Various Germanic tribes would replace preexisting ones for a while, until 800 AD, when the Holy Roman Empire was founded. Truthfully, Italy never really listened to Holy Rome. Holy Rome would try to get him to listen, but it never really worked out.
• Your ass is grass, Herr sassafras: Um… apparently the first part is short for “your ass is grass, and I’m the lawnmower.” Herr means “Mr.” in German, and sassafras… is a tree that rhymes…?
• Rotator cuff: The group of muscles surrounding the shoulder joint. It’s commonly injured through baseball