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Japan: Oh no… (sigh) I am pleased that our products are selling well, but manufacturing can’t keep up with demand. What do I do?

China: Japan!! Why don’t you let me help you? I can make your products, but instead of telling people they’re mine, I pretend they’re yours, and the customers will never find out.

Japan: Ugh…

China: Ahh..!

Japan: How many times have I told you that counterfeiting is no way to build an economy? And blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

(Opening)

Romano: Ok dumb dumb, listen. I’ll teach you a surefire strategy for fighting that Britain.

Italy: Hey, thanks bro!

Romano: It’s very simple; when you meet the enemy, just show him you don’t want any bloodshed. That way if he shoots you, everyone will think he’s the bad guy, eh? And that’s all I know.
(Italy: Uhhhh…)

[British Soldier]

Romano: Please don’t bazooka my face! I surrender! I’m so sorry!

Italy: (Sigh)…
Romano, what’s this?? You think I could borrow it?

Romano: Huh? Uhhhh, that’s a bus.

Italian Soldier: The British troops are advancing!

Italy: Romano!!!

Romano: Hetalia!

China: Japan gave me this precious stuffed pussy cat toy kitty. It’s so fluffy!

[China’s Boss]

China’s Boss: Hey! Doesn’t that cat’s face look a little freaking goofy to you?

China: Ah! Is there some portent of evil in its eyes, oh great one?

China’s Boss: (Dragon hiss noise)

China: (Literal terror)

China’s Boss: Whatevs broseph;, cat just need mouth.

Shinatty-Chan Doll: Love me!

China: AHH! AH! YOU! MESSED! UP!
China’s Boss: You realize I am dragon, don’t you? Stuffed kitty no hurt me.

China: Hetalia.

Italy: Auhh… oh, hi! That’s strange; how did you get caught before me?

Romano: Shut-a your face! This whole disaster is your damn fault, jerk!

England: You stow that potty talk this instant.

Romano: (Scream) I’m really sorry, Britain sir!

Italy: “Sir?”

Romano: He’s the one with the potty mouth; he’s Italian! I promise I’ll tell you anything you want to know, but please stop trying to break our spirits with your boiled peas! I’m really sorry, so please don’t hurt me anymore! Wahhh!

Italy: I’ve had enough of this! Why don’t you feed your blood pudding to me?!
(Romano: Wahhhhhh!)

Romano: Don’t listen to him!

England: Yes, um. Today I was going to serve fish and chips, though.

Narrator: It’s rumored, when British soldiers became the prisoners of Italian troops, they didn’t wanna leave because the food was so much better.

(Phone dialing)

England: Hello, friend! I… don’t suppose you’d consider lending me your chef for a bit.

France: I wouldn’t even leave you the man who makes our dog food!

Britain: Hetalia!

Italy: Germany!!

Germany: Hm?

Italy: Japan said he wants to stay with me for a few days to do some sightseeing!

Germany: Oh? I didn’t realize you had an interest in being a tourist.

Japan: I love to take my camera everywhere I go, and because of my shortness, it allows me to see higher, in case I want to take pictures of women and invent a wacky gameshow.

[Impatient]

Germany: Stop that. Stereotypes are for brainless dummkopfs.

Italy: He’s right, but we better get outta here ‘cause Godzilla’s coming! Come on, run!

Japan: ゴジラ…?! (Gojira) Mr. Germany, thank you. Where did you see him? Was he big??

Germany: Well, I hope Japan doesn’t have too horrible of a time with that buffoon. Heh.

[A few days later…]

Italy: Hey, Germany! Japan and I are back from our little vacation!

Germany: Hm? That’s good. I hope Italy’s culture wasn’t too offensive. Now—ah!

[Japaaaa~n]

Japan: So good! The pizza was-a magnifico! And the women were so pretty it made-a my heart yaaay!

Germany: Ahhaaahhhh…
(Japan: Yummy!)

Germany: HEY!! Where the hell did you put the real Japan?!
(Italy: AAAHHHHHH!)

Italy: That’s him, I swear! We just went sightseeing and ate together like we would normally do!

Germany: Then what made him become so freaky?!?!

Japan: Paaaastaaaaaa!

[Italians are infectious!]
[Or rather, it’s just that Japanese are easily influenced…]
[But Germans are Germans no matter where they go.]

(Hatafutte Parade, zooms on Germany)

Italy: Japan, your soup is cool! It looks like it was made from outer space things!

Japan: Yes. That’s quite gross.
(under his breath) Ugh, that’s エチゼン (echizen) jellyfish.

China: You can’t tell the western world all our food secret!

Italy: What are all of these white things in this red jelly brick thingy?

Japan: Oh…

China: If you tell him truth, I will never forgive you.

[To be continued]

Translations

• Chinese counterfeit: Counterfeit consumer goods are imitation products made or sold under a different brand’s name without the permission of the original product’s owner. It’s different from “knockoff” items in that knockoff items don’t copy the brand name or logo of a trademark. These items are illegal when they are meant to confuse consumers into thinking they’re the real deal. China is famous for these products in all fields, from food to military parts. China’s counterfeiting industry is said to cost Japan billions of yen each year.
• What’s this? It’s a bus: It’s actually an Italian M13/40 tank, which is discussed more in a much later episode. About 2000 were built in the year that they were produced, and they were in service from July of 1940 to c. 1943. A crew of four, a driver, a machine-gunner/radio operator, a commander/gunner, and a loader, were required to use it. Italy’s tanks actually were superior to Britain’s at the time, with a longer range and superior ballistic performance. The M13/40 could disable most of Britain’s tanks, though it wasn’t effective against the infantry tanks. It also had a diesel engine and was easy to produce. However, the engine wasn’t powerful or reliable, the tank was slower than its predecessors and lacked sufficient armor, and the use of rivets was outdated. Eventually, as newer tanks were developed by the Allies and Germany, the M13/40 couldn’t hold its own anymore.
Sorry, I really like tanks.
• Hello Kitty and China: It’s not given a name here, but the strip it’s adapted from (Some Jokes about China), China explicitly states that the doll is Hello Kitty. She’s really popular in China, and has actually been named Japan’s official Tourism Ambassador to China.
• Britain sir: In the original Japanese, Romano calls him Igirisu-sama (イギリス様). Sama is an honorific in Japanese that places someone on a higher rank than oneself, including deities and much of Japan’s imperial family, which is why Italy is so confused.
• Blood Pudding: The internet is calling is black pudding, but it's a type of blood sausage eaten commonly in the UK, Ireland, and other parts of Europe. It’s got more oatmeal than most sausages. There is also a festival where you throw it, the World Black Pudding Throwing Championships, in which you throw black puddings at piles of Yorkshire puddings (lolol), keeping the tradition of the Lancashire-Yorkshire (Roses) rivalry. Most food items with pig’s blood in it are called “blood pudding,” including the Italian desert sanguinaccio dolce (basically translating to bloody dessert), which is a dessert pudding made of pig’s blood and chocolate/other sweet things.
• Wacky Japanese Game Shows: Japan has some really really weird gameshows, many of which would never be permitted on television in most other countries. Some notable ones include Dero! (Jeopardy except instead of being faced with music you’re faced with what seems to be impending doom—this one actually inspired a 6-episode American gameshow called Exit), a show where girls’ legs are forced apart until they give up (furthest apart at the end wins I assume), and Sokkuri Sweets, where some items in a room are actually tasty treats and you find out which ones by biting things randomly.
• ゴジラ: Godzilla (Japanese)
• Magnifico: Magnificent (Italian)
Echizen Jellyfish: Called Nomura’s jellyfish in English, they’re giant jellyfish that grow up to 2 m in diameter and live primarily in the Yellow Sea and East China Sea. Despite being edible, they aren’t considered high quality. The actual meaning of this segment was pretty badly lost in translation; Japan keeps looking at China because there was a sudden increase in the population of the jellies in 2005, which devastated Japan’s fishing industry. The blame was theorized to be on China’s Three Gorges Dam, but China denied this. So Japan basically said, “well we’re stuck with all these jellyfish, we may as well eat them,” which is why they’re in the soup. Then the white things in the youkan (red jelly brick thingy) is also pieces of the jellyfish. Japan has also made Nomura’s jellyfish tofu, ice cream, and candy.