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England: I think it's about time… yes; I need to get out and make some new friends.

[Currently in splendid isolation]

(Opening)

[Anglo-Japanese Alliance]

Narrator: Around that time, Britain took a long while to warm up to people. By the time he realized it, he didn't have any friends at all! This was referred to as "Splendid Isolation" (haha). Although Britain did manage to prosper for a bit, his position was being jeopardized at a time when America and Germany were both growing. He also wanted to bully Russia so the creep would leave China alone, but he couldn't do it all by himself! So, in 1902, Britain decided to make some friends.

[Around this time, England was too tsundere, and by the time he noticed, he didn't have any friends. This was called "Splendid Isolation" (lol). Although England experienced prosperity for a while, its position was being jeopardized at a time when America and Germany were growing. And, he wanted to push back Russia, who was closing in on China, but he couldn't do it by himself. So, in 1902, England decided to make some friends.]

[Trying to make friends with Germany.]

England's thoughts: This seemed like a good idea earlier, but I haven't the foggiest clue what to say to Germany.

Germany: Ah… Oh, Britain. What do you want?

England's thoughts: There he is!!

England: Hey! Germany! Guess what! I think it's time that we became… friends…!

Germany: No thank you.

England: Ah?!
Ah…ahh…

Narrator: Ok, so first, Britain thought it would be way awesome to like, be friends with Germany! But Germany was, like, not wanting to get his friend Russia all mad at him, since Russia thought Britain was a trash-talker, so Germany was like "No way, UK."

England: Hetalia!

England's thoughts: Well France is certainly out of the question. And I'd rather be dead than friends with that trash-talking Russia. I don't think I'll be able to be friends with the Triple Alliance at all. There's probably no point in even talking to Finland and the Baltic States. Spain is hopeless. And the Netherlands and Belgium are so five years ago.

England: Nh…

England's thoughts: You know, now that I think about it, I don't think Japan would be too terribly awful to have as a friend. However… while it's true that Japan has become really strong in just a few decades, which is… good for me, I'm almost positive we'll think about things differently, what with me being from the West and he being from the East. I wonder if he'll accept me at all. I don't wish to be humiliated and have the entirety of the world laughing at me!

England: HUAAAH! You! Strange man! Who are you and what the hell are you doing here?!

Japan: That is not very polite; you are the one who knocked on my door.

Narrator: Ok, so like, Britain was all like sad, because he wasn't, like, finding anyone to be his friend, y'know? So, true story, Japan, who had totally been friends with Russia, but y'know was so completely over the crazy—I mean, who wouldn't be? Anyway, he was looking for a new friend. Well get this! He didn't think that Britain would be friends with him for the same reason that Britain didn't think Japan would be friends with him! East versus West or, whatever. So yeah, how awesome of a coinkydink was that, am I right?

Japan: It's the East versus West thing. East thinks this, West thinks that.

England: Apparently I'm not the only one with fixed ideas about things.
(Japan: East thinks this, West thinks that. East thinks this, West thinks that.)

Japan's Boss: Eeeh, what is he doing?! I told him, he are supposed to be friends with Russia!
(Japan: East thinks this, West thinks that.)

[Japan's Boss]

Narrator: So yeah, for real. Japan totally had a boss that didn't want him to be friends with Britain. That's like, so beyond tragic.
(Japan's Boss: Surely [something something] Russia!)
(Japan: East thinks this, West thinks that. East thinks this, West thinks that.)

Japan: Hetalia!

England's thoughts: Hm. Well I was able to get somewhat closer to Japan today. Way to be a not failure, me!

England: Mm?

Messenger: I hate to tell you this, sir, but Japan's boss just took a trip to see Russia.

England: What?! Why Russia?!

Messenger: I believe his goal is to get Russia and Japan to become better friends than you and Japan. And then, well, they'll probably sign a Russo-Japanese Treaty and turn against us.

England: Ahahahahahahaha! Easy peasy, Japanesey!

Messenger: Ah…

England: That's right! After all, I'm perfectly used to being alone! Duahahahahahahaahahaha! Ah haaaahhhahahahaha! Hueahahahahaha!

[His splendid isolation will continue…!?]

(Hatafutte Parade, zooms on America)

England: I hate you, stars. You mock my pain. I'll be fine. I've managed to get this far on my own. Same plot, different day.

[Continued Next Episode…]

Translations
• Splendid Isolation: During the 19th century, Britain's foreign policy was along the lines of "I don't need friends! Permanent alliances are just an excuse for others to meddle in my affairs! If it doesn't directly affect me, then why bother?" So, he pulled out of the post-Napoleonic Concert of Europe. This is especially because Britain's response to Russia's idea of a system in which the major powers of Europe would protect their values and prevent each other from stepping out of line was, "Sounds fake but ok." Therefore, for much of the 1800s, Britain would only get involved in something if it threatened his colonial and economic prowess. It worked alright and all, but refusing to make friends is not a very good way to make friends.
• America and Germany are Growing: During this period, America was starting to establish itself as a powerhouse in the world. During the 1800s, America found itself expanding from coast to coast, with victories in the War of 1812, Mexican-American War, and Spanish-American War. He also became interested in furthering their own interests in the Western Hemisphere, even though he preferred to stay uninvolved in Europe. At the same time, German unification in 1871 turned the Holy Roman Empire from a collection of loosely allied states into a strong and centralized power. Germany also got very interested in building a navy, and he was so good at it that Britain got a little nervous.
• Russia is creepily encroaching on China: Russia and China had historically been making agreements in settlement and trade for a while, but as China started to lag further and further behind Europe (economically and militarily), the agreements between them started to heavily favor Russia. For example, Russia annexed the Amur basin, and established pro-Western policy. Meanwhile, Russia had recently caught up with the rest of Europe in prowess, and his empire was rapidly growing. All in all, much of Britain's policy at this time revolved around giving Russia a what-for.
• Why England can't be friends with Europe: Germany and Russia at the time had a Reinsurance Treaty, which basically said that should Austria-Hungary or France attack either of them, the other would not get involved. It was a secret treaty, just between them. Additionally, Germany was in a Triple Alliance with Austria-Hungary and Italy, so it would have been hard to include Britain in that equation. It would be pointless to talk to Finland and the Baltics because they were already part of the Russian Empire by this point. Spain is hopeless because he was in a period of decline, what with civil wars, the loss of his colonial empire, and the previously mentioned Spanish-American War. The Netherlands was already a rival of Britain's, and Belgium was way too close with those who historically didn't like Britain.
• Japan and Britain: One day, Japan and Britain realized, "YOU want to stop Russia's expansion into China? I want to stop Russia's expansion into China! Wow we have so much in common." They made plans for an alliance, but Japan's Boss (Prime Minister Ito Hirobumi) wanted to compromise with Russia instead, and started working harder for a Russo-Japanese alliance. Japan was forced to put off his talks with Britain, but in the end it was decided that Russia was just a little too scary.
• Coinkydink: A cutesy way to say coincidence
• Japan and Russia: For a lot of the 19th century, Japan and Russia actually got along pretty well, but then in the early 1860s Russia decided, "What if… I had a warm water port." This led to some territorial disputes. Additionally, America Japan decided that it was time to stop being isolated, and he became an industrial and military power. They then started fighting over Chinese territory.