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Italy: Buon giorno, Frenchy baguette! You know those paintings you took? Can you give them back, huh?

France: What?! Ghhh…
Le pow!
(Italy: Huh—whaaaaaoooooooo! Oooooo-yow! Uhh…)

Italy: Uwa…! Why did you go and rocket fist my face?!

France: You don’t like that?!

Italy: Ah..!!

France: Perhaps we should instead do battle with the powerful force of tickling!

Italy: Uwawawawawawa!! I’m sorry! I’ll never question your violence again, because it’s so good!!

[He can’t return them anymore.]

(Opening)

Lithuania: Oh great and fearful Russia! I’ve brought to you some hot tea!

Russia’s Teacher: Hm? Yes, is fascinating.
(Lithuania: Ah!)

Lithuania: I am recognizing that voice… Russia’s teacher…

Russia: And then, once I conquer Poland, I’ll use half for my vacation playground!

Russia’s Teacher: Good idea.

Lithuania: Ah! Russia is wanting to conquer Poland?!
I can’t believe Russia still wants to take over that poor little rascal… perhaps I should let Poland know he is about to get hammered big time… I hope he doesn’t die… I’m sure he knows it is coming… and I bet he’s already prepared for it too…!

[Long ago, Lithuania and Poland were a Commonwealth.]

Lithuania: Ghhghhhghhh… please pick up… I have to know you’re ok…!!

Memory Poland: Hey Lithy! Starting today, I am going to make you my little slave!
I’ll eat all your funky desserts! And make you wash my belly!

Lithuania: Duah…!
GUAAAAAAAHHHH!!! I HATE HIM SO MUCH!!

Estonia: Whaaat?! Not me!!

Lithuania: Hetalia!

Lithuania: Ua?

[In any event, he tried calling Poland again.]

Lithuania: Hi, Poland? It’s me, Lithuania—

Poland: Are you kidding me right now?! Do you know how freaking early it is here?! Somebody I know better be dead and/or leaving me a ton of cash in their will!

Lithuania: Neither, but it’s still important. Russia is coming to get you!!!

Poland: What??? No… why would he attack?? You sure?
No!!! That is totally not cool, man; Russia’s a big psycho!! This is balls! I scheduled poker game for Saturday night!!

[It seems that he wasn’t prepared at all…]

Poland: Whoa! I almost lost my cool…! So, you’ll never believe who I ran into yesterday!

Lithuania: ………..was it your mother? Don’t try to distracting me!!

Poland: Hetalia!

Poland: Nomnomnomnomnomnomnom yay! Eating paluszki always puts things in perspective! Yeah… nomnomnomnomnomnom… well, Polish snacks are the best! Nom! Nomnomnomnom… ah…

Lithuania: ‘scuse me! Do you remember the whole Russian death march talk?

Poland: Huh? Boy, you really are the big wussy! I took on Germany alright in case you have forgetting. It’ll be fine!

[Um… I’m not sure you should get on him like that…]

Lithuania: I was there to back you up on that one! You always lose when you fight alone!

Poland: I’ve got some kołacz knocking at the back door! I’ll ring you later! Peace!

Lithuania: No! Come on! Where did you going? Did you hang up?! You need me! You dumbassss…

[A few days later…]

Lithuania: Ok, how do things look with Olandpay? Nnh… Ussianray… oldiersay?

[Poland’s house]

Lithuania’s Spy: It’s looking like everything’s ok from here!

[Even so, Lithuania was still worried.]

(Marukaite Chikyuu: Italy)

Chibitalia: Waaaaaaah! France help I’m scared! Please; someone’s attacking!!

France: You fight! And tell them I’m not at home!

Chibitalia: Huh?

Soldiers: Grrrrrr….. hm?

Chibitalia: Uwawawawawawawa…

Soldier: Aww…. poor baby…

Chibitalia: Shieldlia!

[Shieldlia]

HRE: Nhghnhghh…

Chibitalia: Waaaaaaahhh!!

HRE: Join my empire!

Chibitalia: Nooo!!!

Soldier: Uhhhhh…

[To be continued]

Children: To be continued!

Child: Maybe!

Translations
• Buon giorno: Good morning/Good day (Italian). It’s used usually until the evening, when you switch to “buona sera.” Nobody actually says “buon pomeriggio” (good afternoon).
• Return those paintings: In 1516, France bought the Mona Lisa from Italy, and then put in the Louvre after the French Revolution. In 1911, an Italian guy tried to steal it by hiding it under his coat, but the French le powed him and got it back. Lots of Italians think it should be in an Italian museum rather than a French one, since the painter (Leonardo da Vinci) was Italian. Like seriously. Petitions and George Clooney are in on it. Bring the Mona Lisa Back is a big deal.
• Russia wants to take over Poland: It’s not like this is a surprise, but in WWII Russia assisted Germany in the invasion of Poland and took half of it for his vacation playground. The invasion happened after the nonaggression pact between Germany and Russia, and everything was great. Well, it wasn’t great for Poland. And Russia and Germany were planning to stab each other in the back.
• Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth: From 1569-1795, Poland and Lithuania lived under the same kingdom. The kingdom was pretty freaking big. Like, largest country in Europe type big. It was an agricultural empire, which is how it kept getting new land, and they also had considerable amounts of ethnic diversity and religious freedom. The two were pretty equal, but Poland was the one calling the major shots. It dissolved with the final partition of Poland by Prussia, Austria, and Russia. Oh yeah, and they also invented constitutional monarchy with a written constitution in Europe (Britain actually doesn’t have a document acting as a constitution) as retaliation towards Russia bossing them around in the 1700s.
• Funky Desserts: The anime references šakotis specifically (in the Japanese version he says “your šakotis will be my sękacz”), and it IS pretty funky. It’s a spit cake very much resembling a fir tree (both the Lithuanian name for it and the Polish name for it, sękacz, mean roughy “tree cake”). The name spit cake comes from the way it’s cooked—on a rotating spit over an open fire—so it’s a less smooth, Polish-Lithuanian baumkuchen (though I’m not sure which one came first). Baumkuchen also means “tree cake,” by the way. Other Lithuanian desserts really don’t look all that funky.
• Poland was totally unprepared: Really, he was nowhere near as unprepared as they make it seem. It’s a common misconception—or rather, a demeaning oversimplification—that the Polish army was completely caught off guard, and fell quickly fighting on cavalry against the German tanks because they were weak or something. In truth, the Polish army actually mobilized two days before the actual invasion, meaning Poland was plenty aware that things were going on. When Germany offered for economic partnership in return for Poland returning Danzig (which was granted to him after WWI), Poland made it very clear that he didn’t trust Germany. But anyway about Russia, it can be assumed that Liet called before Germany invaded, since Poland was very nonchalant about it, and Russia invaded only 16 days after Germany. Poland, being totally aware of the German threat, would DEFINITELY have had his army ready by the time Russia’s attack happened. Also, Poland’s army was considerably large at the time, and tanks were incredibly new at the time and not available to everyone yet. You can’t blame a new nation (Poland was reestablished in 1918) for falling to a war on both fronts, when Germany screwed up Poland’s communication methods on top of everything.
• Paluszki: They’re like Polish pretzel sticks, except they have mashed potatoes as an ingredient. Like pretzels, they come in various flavors, though the flavors seem to be way more subtle than what we Americans put on our pretzels (i.e. sesame paluszki v. flaming mustard pretzels. I love mustard pretzels, though.) Anyway, the kind Poland’s eating is the bagged kind you’d get at a convenience store. It’s advised to not let them go stale. Apparently stale paluszki are not as edible as stale pretzels.
• Poland took on Germany just fine, but he couldn’t have done it without Liet: The battle he’s referring to is the Battle of Grunwald, or as it may be better known in the Hetalia community, the First Battle of Tannenberg, although he was fighting Prussia during that battle, really. It’s the one where Liet “ran away,” and then as Prussia was about to kill Poland, he came back in a surprise attack which resulted in Polish-Lithuanian victory. In general, though, Poland’s won way more wars than Liet gives him credit for, a few of them even being against Liet, though they historically were usually on the same side.
• Kołacz: A Polish pastry made of flaky dough, filled with filling and twisted into a wheel. It dates back to the 13th century as a wedding cake, and nowadays it's also become a popular treat in the United States on holidays. Variations are found throughout Central and Eastern Europe. Also, Poland pronounces it a bit weird, but I don't know enough about the language to talk about that.
• Olandpay: Poland (Pig Latin)
• Ussianray oldiersay: Russian soldiers (Pig Latin)
• Shieldtalia: There’s no specific instance of Italy being used as a shield against enemies mentioned, but apparently this happened a lot. By the accents and the France, I think the enemy soldiers are English.