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Description
England: (Panting and other noises of discomfort)

[Britain’s cold still hasn’t gotten better…]

(Opening)

France: Nh… this is bad… his fever isn’t going down at all!
You know, he would be so much more cute if he was always this silent!
(England: {Panting and other noises of discomfort})

……….

France: Oh hon! Now is my big chance!—Uah!

America: Hey, Britain dude! You have to see this new plane I just built!
Hm? What’s wrong with the jerky limey’s face?

France: Hey! You be nice! He is very sick! He has a terrible cold!

America: No way! Dude, he’s sick?! I’ve got the cure for what ails you, my man!

England: (More discomfort than before)

America: What the hell… why isn’t it working?

France: Because it’s fast food!! Stupid American!

America: Yeah, on that note… um, what’s a cold?

France: Euh…

America: Hetalia!

[China, after being beaten in the First Opium War, was being pushed around by Britain and France]

England: Hey, China! More of these!

China: If you would be more patient, please!!
(England and France: Nomnomnom…)

England: Nom! The stuff I make tastes much better, anyway…

France: That is the worst insult ever! Ever!!

China’s thoughts: How dare he speak to me like that. I wish I could give him what-for.

China: Nhh… I do not think I like these Europeans anymore. It would be better if I could just go back to living life the way I want to.
I’m home, hooray…

Russia: Hey! Welcome back! You’re late, so I started eating!

China: Who are you?! Go away now!

[Rough map of China before the Russo-Japanese War
Russia
Slowly Encroaching…
China

Britain Germany
China
France]

Narrator: China lost a large portion of its lands to Britain and France after losing the Opium Wars. Apparently, old Britain was busy being the gateway drug and China didn’t wanna get high. Silly China; in a war on drugs, drugs always win.

(China: Nhhhhhhhhhgghhhh…..)
(Russia: Nomnomnomnomnom…)
Narrator: Suddenly, China turned around and saw Russia settling in, like the slow and steady terror that he is. It must have been really scary. Hang in there, China!

Japan: Hm! Leave my friend alone!

Russia: Aaaaaahh!

China: Hetalia!

France: Ugh…

[How bland!]
[Cute flap]

England: Wow! France, that uniform’s a little stuffy for you! Where’s your cape and your pretty pantaloons? You’re not even wearing color! Are you trying to make people believe that you’re me?

[Weird way to assert himself]

France: Well…
Guaahhh!
You see, my normal clothes make me a target. Too flashy.

England: Yes, I know.

Italy: Hey! I found you again!

France: Guahh!

France: Hetalia!

England: You are a jackass!
France: You are a (something like jackalope piss XD)
England: You frog eater!

China: I hope they both die.

England: I shall not stand for your constant interference in my life any longer! Why don’t you stick to things you’re good at, like farming and drunk driving?!

France: Haha! Shows what you know! It is not drunk driving if you are only drinking wine!

England: Excuse me? I can’t hear you!

France: No! Don’t pull that with me! Listen up, Britain! You are the black sheep of Europe!

America: Hm?

France: Black sheep of Europe! Black sheep of Europe! Britain’s the black sheep of Europe and everybody knows it!

America: What? I didn’t know that!

England: Ah..!?

(France: Aha… oh honhonhon! Oh honhonhonhon! Oh honhonhon…)
England: Ugh! Why would a frog know anything about sheep, black or not! Grrrr…. Quit laughing, you mongrel!
(America: Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!)

China: Should we stop them?

Russia: No, I say sit back and enjoy show!
(England: I hate you!)

(Marukaite Chikyuu: China)

Chibitalia: Hwaaa….

Italy: Wow! The baby version of me is so adorable!

Chibitalia: Nh… ah…
(Italy: Oh?)

Chibitalia: Hey, I know you!

Italy: Oh?

Chibitalia: I know you! Yeah! You’re me as an adult person! Do I get to be strong and-a powerful when I grow up?

Italy: Ahh! Yeah, of course you do! Strong and powerful!

Chibitalia: Yaaaay!

Italy: (sobsob) I’m so pathetic! I lied to a bambino! A me-a bambino! (Sobsobsob)

Germany: Well it’s not like you could tell him the truth.

Children: To be continued!

[To be continued]

(Credits)

Translations
• America has no clue what a cold is: It’s been stated that since America’s economy doesn’t go down the toilet when he goes to war like Europeans’ do, he doesn’t get sick easily. Problem is, America’s first panic (a financial panic is when people withdraw their bank deposits, sell their stocks, and in general try to liquefy their market assets) dates back to 1785. So we have to only think of this on war terms.
• China, Western Europe, and the Opium Wars: Basically, Iggy really wanted tea. Like, he seriously wanted tea. And silks and other Chinese products, but it seriously was mostly the tea. Problem was, China only wanted silver, and wouldn’t do any trade in return for British goods, which meant Britain was losing a lot of money in the deal. To fix this problem, he started smuggling Opium in from India through the British East India Company. Lots of Chinese people got addicted, and so many people bought opium that the trade deficit disappeared. However, now all his people were high, so China blockaded the British cargo ships, and burnt their cargo. He even did this out at sea where the opium wasn’t illegal, which pissed Britain off. War! So from 1839-42 was the First Opium War, where Britain basically annihilated China with his technologically advanced navy, such as the ship Nemesis, which China actually called “devil ship.” Seriously, according to Wikipedia, Britain only lost 69 men. It ended with the Treaty of Nanking, which did two major things. One, it gave Hong Kong to Britain. Two, it forced China to open ports for Britain to use for trade. This began the “spheres of influence,” where European nations would exert economic power in regions of China, most notably Britain on the Yangtze and Tibet, and France in the south. Meanwhile, Russia enjoyed Manchuria and Japan enjoyed the Fujian Province and lands just north of the Korean Peninsula. America later would establish the “Open Door Policy” so that he could get in on the China action too.
• The Second Opium War: Basically, China had absolutely no say in anything after losing the First one. British people living in China literally were not subject to Chinese law. The Second Opium war started in 1856 when Britain was accused of piracy, and ended in 1860 with the Treaty of Tientsin, where China once again lost, this time to Britain and France, and America in two battles only.
• Leave my friend alone: Haha more like go away so I can have my friend’s land instead. But really, it’s a really, really quick brush-over of the Russo-Japanese War (1904-05), in which Japan and Russia fought for Manchuria and Korea. Japan won, after America intervened and demanded the two of them hug it out. Thus ended Russia’s unchallenged casual expansion into Northern China. Just saying, Montenegro participated in the Russo-Japanese war, and that’s like the most random thing ever.
• France’s new uniform: In WWI, there was no real consideration for how much one stuck out when wearing so much color, and both the French and Austro-Hungarians went into battle wearing bright red and blue. Colonial troops also wore colorful uniforms, and basically the more colors, the more territories you had so the more powerful you were. Fighting poorly armed rebels in Africa and Asia didn’t really pose a threat for them, so it wasn’t until WWI that it became obvious that maybe candy colors weren’t the best idea for military uniforms. The French uniform was redesigned in 1915 to be tackier.
• Black sheep: In English, it’s a weird, generally unwanted member of a group, especially a family. It comes from how nobody really cared for the wool of black sheep, preferring the white ones. It’s in most European languages as well.
• Bambino: Child (Italian)—he may be saying “mio bambino” instead of “me-a bambino,” but that means “my child,” so I left it more accurate. A “me child” would be “io bambino” or “me bambino,” depending on the subject-object relations, and even then I have no clue what would be grammatically correct in terms of word order.