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hyperactivedeathgod — Drowned
Published: 2009-12-14 03:32:36 +0000 UTC; Views: 62; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 0
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Description The silent things in life so sweet,
and the cold white snow beneath your feet,
As she walks to the stream,
You can still hear her mother scream,

Be careful what you do,
because god is watching your every move.
He will beat you and hit you and carve out your back,
All it is, is love that you lack.

No one ever loved her,
that poor, that poor little girl
She hid her dreams in your eye,
but unfortunately her mother did never cry.

By Fiona J. Walker
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Comments: 3

Cannongirl [2009-12-20 11:43:02 +0000 UTC]

It's creepy, but it would be a lot creepier if you wrote "poor" instead of "pour"! Unless you ment "pour", then I humbly take it back.
Otherwise, it's very nice! I like the tones, and the way it flows is a bit rigid, but it's very well put.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

hyperactivedeathgod In reply to Cannongirl [2009-12-20 22:00:17 +0000 UTC]

hahah, yeah sorry. And the beat thing is like a circus/drum beat, idk when I sing it, it makes sense but yeah thank you for the actual critique, I like when people actually say what they are thinking

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Cannongirl In reply to hyperactivedeathgod [2009-12-21 11:26:56 +0000 UTC]

*bows* you're welcome!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0