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ImmortalizedLies β S. Note
Published: 2012-10-10 14:44:15 +0000 UTC; Views: 11205; Favourites: 832; Downloads: 140
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S. NoteDear mother, dear father
Dear brother, dear sister
Don't worry, you still have each other
And without me you're all so much stronger
Leave me behind and let me go, I promise the days will get brighter
Dear teachers, dear counselors
Dear therapists, dear doctors
You have my gratitude for what you all did
But I hit rock bottom too many times, and this last one was it
The end of the road again, as if no one could have kept me from a coffin
-
I was not fit to live life
I failed at everything, every time
I sincerely did my very best, I really tried
I just could no longer stand feeling so powerless inside
I lay wide awake every night
I prayed and prayed and asked "why?"
I was always silently drowning in the tears I cried
I am done with suffering, so this is where I draw the line
This is the end
One with a resentful beginning
It all came crashing down to nothing
It's what's only right, so I know what I'm doing
-
Dear friends, dear betrayers
Dear relatives, dear deserters
I must have been too meaningless
While you all just stood by and watched, motionless
But I guess no one wants to try and help someone who is beyond broken
Dear heroes, dear villains
Dear angels, dear demons
You hurt me, andΒ you also saved me
It became a damaging cycle that dragged on endlessly
I couldn't take it anymore, I was just holding on so hopelessly
I'm defeating my destiny, I'm ending my fate, this is how it all must be
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Comments: 99
i think ive seen someone else say this but im sure you have to be hurt to write such beautiful words, i hood whatever you're going thru it gets better, my dude.
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Excellent poem. Full of emotion. I love it sincerely. Good work.
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Thank you! I'm just so glad you enjoyed this one. 
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i like your poetry. its alot better than mine i tell ya.
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The final verse where you address the heroes and villains is so poignant, it really rung out to me.
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It was really hard to end it, so I feel a sense of relief that someone has said that. Thank you.
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I like it, especially the title but I don't like how you said friends and betrayers in the same dear thingy and what you wrote about them but other then that it good.
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I agree about that. It's just I ran out of space for more ( I try and keep within a page length limit for every poem)
Thank you for your feedback.
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Meh, longer's okay. Especially with that many skippy lines thingys. You know when you press the enter key.
Why fear?
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please don't die~ there are people who love and care for you
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Don't worry
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Dude, I suffer from bi-polar and I sometimes feel like a toilet with all the pills I willingly flush down my throat. I am also I writer and have been lost in darkness where there is seemingly no light to reach for. You can tell, for I I'd like to know, did you plan on killing yourself after you wrote this?
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That's kind of a -too- personal question to answer, sorry. I wish I could give you a straight answer, but I can't or don't want to.
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I completely understand man. I know, as soon as you speak a word your world unfolds. I wish you the best of luck and to stay strong, for others know pain too.
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This is so tragically beautiful. It's deep...i really do like it.
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Thank you, I'm relieved that some people liked this.
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That's a first that someone has said they liked my style 
Thank you.
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Lol, well I apologize if it was too dark. I was really just going to delete this one when I wrote it last month. I came back to it and changed a few things here and there, and decided to try and upload it. x,x
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no... suicide notes are supposed to be dark so you catured what you sought out for very nicely. Just... wow... dark-darkness...
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That's what I have been trying to aim for. I'm relieved some people thought that. Thank you.
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Thank you so much, that means a lot.
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In response to the criticism, and in an attempt to provide more constructive criticism than has been presented:
1. To say this piece is devoid of emotion shows plain laziness in your analysis.
2. To say this piece uses stereotypical, cliched suicide themes is also lazy. I agree that the themes are overused, but they are still accurate. When juxtaposed with the theme of the speaker thanking those who supported him, the contrast formed freshens them up a bit. Very nice, but could be used better (explanation following).
3. The poem begins strongly with the theme I mentioned in (2). The speaker thanks and comforts those who supported him. Unfortunately, that theme is abandoned and the cliched "I suck at everything and I hate my life" theme takes over almost immediately.
4. The final third of the poem (starting with "Dear friends...") contrasts with the first third rather nicely, though in my opinion the contrast would stand out more if the poem were reorganized: 1) the speaker laments his life (orig. stanzas 3-5), 2) the speaker damns those who didn't support him (orig. stanzas 6-7), and 3) the speaker thanks and comforts those who did support him (orig. stanzas 1-2).
5. Grammatical errors: LEARN HOW TO USE A COMMA. Some of those commas should be omitted entirely, and some should be replaced with either em-dashes or semicolons. Oh, and the aforementioned "laid" should be "lay."
6. If it's a poem, work on making it a little more "poetic." It's too wordy, for one thing. There are a lot of opportunities for phrases to directly contrast with one another if extra words were taken out (e.g. You hurt me and you saved me has more impact). Other times, simply reordering some words would make a greater impact.
7. Of course, all of this is just my opinion, and is highly subjective.
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I agree with some of what you have said. I know what you mean about the middle part, when I actually was going to release it, I knew it was a bit weak in the middle, but yeah...my OCD didn't want me to miss a deadline for an upload. In the future, I am going to be updating some of my pieces, and this will be one of them, which will probably be last on the list though. Thank you for leaving constructive feedback, it stood out amongst the others.
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You're quite welcome. Thank you for taking the time to read it and reply. Good luck with your writing!
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To be clear, I wrote that criticism because I actually really like this poem and see it as having lots of potential.
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This is so sad and stil it is true. <3 I really love this because I understand it so good. Often I feel like this too ... so this poem is perfekt to show this emotions.
Brilliant work.
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Thank you, and I hope you don't feel like this as often as you say.
<3
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I'm relieved that some people thought that. Thank you for the reassurance. <3
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That's one of the most beautiful things I've ever read
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Lol, well thank you, I'm just glad you enjoyed it.
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I'm glad you wrote it
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Okay, so I don't normally comment on things, but I noticed you were getting a lot of shit for this. Some people saying it devoid of emotion or bland.. Well, in my experience, people only feel that way about a piece of art when they can't connect with it. Personally, I felt the pain in this poem. I have been in that situation before, when every single person you ever loved or cared about just doesn't even care. I feel like the only way you can feel an emotion through a piece of art is by putting yourself in the position of the character in the poem. If you know what it's like, you'll feel what was meant to be felt. Good job, my friend.
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You're totally right with what you've said, I completely agree with you on that. Sometimes the connection just isn't there, and it's no ones fault, it's just not there to begin with. So, yeah, you said what I was trying to come up with as a response.
I'm going to be trying to avoid those types of "shit" comments in the future. I'm currently coming up with simple alternatives, because I really, really can't stand it anymore, and I'm letting it get to me, and I really shouldn't allow it to become out of hand as time goes on.
Thank you for your insight, it is much appreciated.
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I couldn't agree more with you; you took all my words 
This is a sensitive and thoughtful poem, you should be very proud of it. I know many people can see themselves in this character.
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Thank you so much for your kindness, it means a lot to me.
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Manefico!
I feel as I am a witness to history in the making. Honestly? I love the dark asperations of the character and the writing is the tears and blood of both your and the character. The image just delves me deeper into your dark world. Bravo!
Sincerly with Heart,
JSalinger7
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You're too kind, but then again, I shouldn't be picky on who is kind to me at this point!
You should think about becoming a person who does critiques.
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