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IndecisiveBetch — How Long Has It Been, Now?
Published: 2010-08-24 23:50:58 +0000 UTC; Views: 1078; Favourites: 9; Downloads: 8
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Description Centuries together, so many long centuries, and he'd lost track of the year now.  The world had been spinning for so long and, for the first time, Jack praised her for it.  He'd no idea in his brilliant mind how on earth (he chuckled absently at his bad pun) she could keep turning.  

He sat on the ground before his lord and master's citadel.  It had been...lifetimes since he'd been first set upon that great mountain as not a Worm, but a Special One.  He'd been running through different labels for himself and his love, trying to find amusement in some.  Lovers, boyfriends, boyfriend and girlfriend, husbands, husband and wife, bitch and hoe.  The list was endless and now boring to him.  

Jack let his head fall forward against his chest and sighed.  He'd been everywhere.  Chase had shown him everything, taught him everything.  What else was there?  What was left?  

As much as he wanted to deny it, the answer seemed painfully obvious to Jack.  

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Something was wrong.  Seriously wrong.  Chase could sense and see it in every move his beloved made.  

It didn't surprise him anymore.  He had gotten used to the long bouts of silence that seemed to come over Jack about two hundred years ago.  

But this was different.  This was a sadness that seemed ingrained in his heart, in his being, in his very soul.  Chase absolutely hated Sadness being anywhere near Jack.  The poor boy should never have to suffer it while under Chase's care.  

And with that thought, Chase had approached Jack sitting silently before the sunset and sat down beside him.  He reached a hand out to Jack and he took it in his own, the gesture so practiced it seemed almost automatic.  For the first time, Chase was not proud of that.  

"What is wrong?"  He had to be blunt.  That was the only way Jack would ever respond to him with the truth.  Jack was silent at first, looking down at the rocks and pebbles that lay scattered by his feet.  There was a gentle smile on his face and his skin glowed in soft dwindling light, a scene Chase was very much used to that it became routine to look upon it.  

"How'd you do it?"  The utterance was so soft, Chase almost didn't hear it.  He looked at Jack, face unreadable.  

"How did I do what?" he questioned.  Jack breathed deeply and took his time in answering again.  Chase could wait.  He'd learned to become patient.  

Jack lifted his head and looked Chase right in the eye.  

"How'd you live so long without..."  He trailed off and shook his head back towards the setting sun.  "Going insane," he finished.  Chase didn't answer at first.  

I don't know.

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Chase had left that evening without answering Jack's question, having been given the answer to his own.  

Why was Jack so detached?  Why had he been for so long?  

He wasn't built for this.  In the end, nothing could keep them apart but Jack's own mind and heart.  Love, it seemed, was not enough to make every day exciting enough for the both of them.  

At first, Chase was angry.  Why was Jack like this?  After everything he'd put Chase through!  What right had he to be disappointed in the way life chose to progress!  No right, none at all!

But, then, he'd fallen to anguish.  Was this it?  Was he losing Jack?  After having finally found him?  

The pain was no more than an ache all over his body.  He'd come so close to losing Jack so many times, and he'd seen it all.  He knew that he'd faced -- they'd faced -- and overcame everything that had conspired to hurt the one he loved.  Now, he'd become immune to it, the possibility that Jack might have been lost to him even in immortality.  

It had been a long time indeed since he'd felt even a fraction of this kind of pain, and he reveled in it for the moment.  Better this than nothing.  

But, why did it have to come at the expense of his eternal contentedness with Jack?  

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Jack tinkered with his robots mindlessly, deciding he was feeling right then what they'd always felt from the moment they were "born" by his hands.  He didn't like it.  

Often, his mind would travel back to his first few years with Chase.  What a heaven that had been.  He'd felt empowered back then, empowered and invincible with his love for the most Dangerous and Evil of the Evil Lords in the world.  He could do anything and there was nothing anyone could do to stop him!  And it was even better when Chase told him that, no, he couldn't do anything because he was still an idiot who could end up destroying his citadel!  He would be staying right where Chase could see him to make sure that that never happened, thank you very much.  Because that meant that Chase cared about him.  Chase cared!  There was a time when Jack would have shouted that from the rooftops of the highest building in the world -- never mind the fact that he actually did -- because, dammit, Chase cared!  

Where had all that gone?  What Shen Gong Wu had taken it away from them?  What force in the world had managed to subdue him and his love?  Oppress him and make him world-weary and tired?

Jack hated himself for being weak enough to succumb to his own humanity, even though he'd thought he'd given it entirely to Chase.  And he hated himself because he knew that it was taking its toll on Chase, if only because Jack knew that Chase hated weaklings.  

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"Chase..."  

"What is it, Jack?"  

"You love me?"  

"Yes."  

"And I love you?"  

"Yes."  

"Shouldn't that be enough?"  

"...I swear to any and all deities I wish it were."  

"...You sound like you've resigned yourself to this already."  

"You're not happy.  I would never deny that when all the evidence is before me."  

"..."  

Chase looked at him with pleading eyes.  "What can I do?"  

Jack looked at him with empty eyes.  "I don't know."  

"You do."  

"You're just trying to convince yourself I do."  

"Of course I'm trying to convince myself!  I'm trying to convince you, too!  Because I know where this is going, Jack, and I don't like it."  

Jack wished for tears to begin a steady flow from his eyes right then.  "I tried to be happy, I really did."  

"And it worked for a few hundred years, didn't it?"  

"Yeah...But--"

"But, you're just not the same, are you?"  

"..."

"And yet you still look down at your feet in embarrassment when someone accuses you of something that's far too personal for comfort; you still sleep late and rise late; you still make the same quirky remarks when something of interest happens and you're there to see it!  Jack, there's just too much of you left to discover for us to end this now!"  

"...Us?"  

"..."

"I'm tired, Chase.  So tired."  

"But you're still very much awake, aren't you?"  

"..."  

"You've had chances, Jack, so many chances to opt out.  Why, then, would you never take any of them?"  

"..." Mutter, mutter, mumble.  

"Speak up."  Angry Chase.  

"..."  Mutter, mumble, "too...love..."  

"I can't hear you."

"Because I was too in love with you!"  

"..."

"..."

Two men stood at odds, glaring at each other as all the cards were laid bare before them.  Chase kept his eyes narrowed carefully, clouding his fear and insecurity, while Jack kept his wide, hiding the guilt and self-loathing behind indignation.  

Neither of them moved, and both marveled at the number of times they'd yelled like that at each other before this day.  

Jack had lost count decades ago, and Chase never bothered to keep a tally.  

After a moment, Jack's shoulders slumped and he broke the contact.  Chase's heart sank.  He'd always hoped that things would go back to the way they were and Jack would hold his own admirably against Chase long enough to force Chase to be the one to stand down.  

"Why do you want this?" Chase whispered across to Jack.  Jack used to shiver at the sound of that voice.  

"I don't," he conceded. "But I--I can't--I'm sorry, Chase."  He fell to his knees and Chase wanted to move his feet enough so that he could bend down and take that fragile body into his arms, but he was afraid.  Afraid that Jack would remain limp in his hold and unconsciously reject the comfort he had grown so used to.  Why did Jack seem to tire of the feeling of Chase's arms around him, when Chase never tired of the feeling of Jack in his arms?  

"You were in love with me?"  Jack winced upon the ground and looked up at Chase, his eyes eerily dry.  His face was screwed up in a look of pain, though, which both put at ease and agitated Chase.  

"I still am," he confessed. "But I want it to be enough."  Chase looked at him without a word for a moment, and then turned and began to leave from the room.  Jack panicked and shot to his feet.  

"Chase, wait!" he called. "I'm sorry!  I--I just don't feel it the way I--"

"I do not care what you don't feel anymore, Jack, and the day I do care will be the day you come to me and tell me that you once again want to be with me even though your petty human need for a new exciting discovery may not be satisfied."  Chase continued out the door and Jack attempted once more to call to him.  He stopped just outside and closed his eyes tightly.  

"I realize that wanting this makes me rather selfish," he spat coldly. "The decision I have made to cast you aside until you truly understand what it is you're doing.  But, then..."  He stopped and shot a look of pure disdain over his shoulder at Jack.  "You already knew I was selfish, didn't you?"

He left and slammed the door behind him, the echo of the noise ringing throughout the room and Jack's body wildly.  He crumpled to a fetal heap on the ground, clutching his chest as though to keep it from tearing open and releasing its broken contents into the icy room around him.

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Chase liked to believe that he was an orderly man who had full control of his life.  Of course, being brought up the way he was, Chase knew that there were elements of the world he couldn't control, and he accepted that.  

His emotions were one aspect of his life and the world that entirely befuddled him, however.

Here was one man, one pathetic eccentric little man, who had wound a path so close to his shriveled heart that he could actually feel it beat within him when that little man was near him.  

How could one little insignificant man ever achieve such a thing?  

And why was he choosing to suddenly pull back after having constructed that path, leaving Chase alone once more?  

Chase laughed bitterly at the thought.  Perhaps he'd never realized how alone he'd been before, but it was hard to ignore it now.  Now, he was forced to come to terms with the fact that a taste of honey is indeed worse than none at all.  Because now, he knew what he was losing.  And that bit like a bitch.  

Chase stood outside his fortress that night and stared heartlessly out towards the moon.  It used to be beautiful, but now, it was just there.  

Jack had made it something interesting, something that he could look at and wonder about.  Technology wasn't supposed to make you wonder.  It was supposed to answer questions.  And maybe it was Jack's almost endless wondering ways and infinite love of technology that stunned Chase.    

Jack had a remarkable ability to put things in different perspectives and just make them exciting.  He always wanted to know more about something, but in some ways he never wanted to discover anything about it.  

Jack wanted to create and engineer and design advanced and technologically superior devices, and he loved a new and untested process by which he could achieve this.  But, when he felt that there was nothing new for him to discover, he would become like this; quiet, solemn, seldom happy or perky.  Just...there.  

But Jack only tended to show an interest in nuances of the world of technology, he wasn't interested in any of the other millions of fields out there.  And it was that fact that had Chase feeling like he was tangled in the worst Web of Irony in existence.

Jack's doubt of the excitements the world held for him came entirely from his dissatisfaction with the small part of the world he knew most about.  And no matter how much Jack protested, Chase knew that he would have reason to live again if given something to become excited about.  And then Chase wouldn't have to worry about losing him.         

It was true that there was too much to do in one lifetime alone.  But was there really too little to do in all the lifetimes of the world combined?                        

Chase's thoughts were raging through his mind, warring with one another and with him, and he didn't notice Jack approach him until the once young man had thrown his arms around him tightly from behind.  

Chase froze and everything was a blur.  

Jack clung to him, shivering and shaking and crying; crying so hard and so loud that Chase dared hope that perhaps things would be alright.  He ripped himself from the arms and turned himself around to face Jack.  His mate stumbled away from him in shock and then clasped his hands together desperately, looking at Chase through red-rimmed eyes and sobbing over and over again that please, he was sorry, he was so so sorry, please, Chase, he still loved him so much and he wasn't being selfish, he promised, he wasn't, he just couldn't live this endless life anymore!  

And Chase listened in stunned silence until Jack's words were too jumbled and slurred for him to understand.  He came to his senses then, and pulled Jack's body tightly to his, roughly wrapping his arms around the small figure, crushing the bright crimson head to his chest, and burying his face in that crimson hair.  

Jack continued to bawl his apologies and Chase silenced him with kisses and caresses and held him as he cried long into the night, never letting go even to give Jack space to breathe.  They didn't need that now, and it occurred to Chase briefly that if he'd had to let go of Jack at that very moment, he would probably spontaneously combust.  

Jack calmed by the time the sun rose and the embrace became a gentler less intense expression of the love they had almost unconsciously forgotten.  

The two lovers stood facing the sky, their arms around each other, their bodies meshed and melded together, their troubled minds put at ease for the moment.  

Jack turned his head to look at Chase, fighting the deadness he felt in them.  

"Chase," he repeated for what seemed like the millionth time. "I'm really sorry, I really am!"  Chase chuckled lowly and shook his head, sending a sharp toothed grin Jack's way.  

"I understand, Jack," he said. "I understand what you're feeling.  I felt it myself once, during my earlier days of immortality."  Jack winced but didn't take his eyes from Chase.

"How did you cope?" he asked in a tentative voice, as though he were afraid of the answer. "How could you have -- how?"  Chase looked long and hard at Jack and then released a sigh.  His entire body seemed to deflate with that sigh and he stumbled forward, his head falling to rest against Jack's, his body forcing Jack's backward.  

"Beloved," he said. "It doesn't matter how I dealt with any of the doubts that immortality bring to me, you've made your mind up, and you don't want to change it."  Jack bit back a groan as his heart swelled painfully in his chest.  Chase's use of his old petname for him -- the one that always made Jack swoon -- and the accuracy of his accusation of him made Jack feel an odd mix of both intense love and intense self-loathing.  

"I'm sorry," he choked again, unable to say anything else.  Chase's head dropped to his shoulder as he pulled his own head away, unable to handle the strain of supporting Chase's immeasurable burden even the tiniest of bits.  He really was weak.  

"I know you are," Chase murmured. "So what do you want to do?"  Jack shuddered before him and Chase immediately recalled his strength and drew Jack against him, shouldering two burdens once more.
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Comments: 7

DarkRenka [2010-10-07 01:18:59 +0000 UTC]

Very interesting perspective on immortality.
I liked that you touched on the idea that love isn't always enough to keep a relationship going, there has to be a sense of adventure there too. And even people like Chase Young and Jack Spicer could become mundane with one another after a few centuries. It's a concept that we mortals can't fully understand but it makes you think. The inevitability of death makes even the simplest things seem precious.

P.S. I always enjoy your thought-provoking writings, you have a real talent for it. ^_^

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IndecisiveBetch In reply to DarkRenka [2010-10-07 10:14:41 +0000 UTC]

Oh, thank you very much! I'm glad you liked it! It was very interesting to write this because I wasn't exactly sure where it was going, only that it needed to have that sense of "I've done everything" in it. But I wanted to make sure Chase had some valid points too. I mean, he's lived for 1500 years and hasn't gotten so hopelessly bored he contemplated ending his life. And when you think about it, Jack is being a little selfish.

Still, I thought it was a pretty cool idea when I wrote it!

Thank you for your well thought out response! It's always fun to read comments like that.

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Taimi-hime [2010-08-25 02:34:58 +0000 UTC]

Oh~~~ this was lovely~~~. I couldn't stop reading it, well I stopped for a sec to play some music to fit the mood of the story X3. You're so good at writing those two, even if it was OOC, Chase~~~! <333 And Jack~~~! <333

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IndecisiveBetch In reply to Taimi-hime [2010-08-25 02:43:16 +0000 UTC]

OMG, I didn't know you knew Xiaolin Showdown!! I'm so happy! I promise I will get to your email soon, but there is something that I have to tell you RIGHT NOW!! I'm going camping next week and will not be able to respond to your emails during that week. I will afterward, I promise!

I'll let you know again before I leave, so this is just a heads up!
Thx u for responding!

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CrystallicSky [2010-08-25 01:23:57 +0000 UTC]

This is beautiful. Thanks much for sharing!

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IndecisiveBetch In reply to CrystallicSky [2010-08-25 02:10:39 +0000 UTC]

No problem, thank you so much! Your comments always make me feel warm and fuzzy inside!

Great job to you, too, with your most recent fics. I read the most recent ones and loved them! Good luck with future stories/fics!

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CrystallicSky In reply to IndecisiveBetch [2010-08-26 01:58:55 +0000 UTC]

Thank you, and same to you!

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