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InternetSatan — Quoth the devil, 'Nevermore.'
#allan #edgar #parody #poe #raven #fuckyoukevin #satanisthebestlover #killkevin #yesallkevins
Published: 2016-03-07 04:27:14 +0000 UTC; Views: 1576; Favourites: 75; Downloads: 0
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Description Once upon a midday query, I browsed online, drunk but leery,
Til the web then distracted, with its volumes of porn and gore.
I started nodding, after fapping, when suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my bedroom door.
“’Tis some subjects,” I muttered, “tapping at my bedroom door.
Only this and nothing more.”

Hesitant to actually bother, I scratched my ass and began to ponder.
Ponder if it was a whore, and if it was why wait anymore?
After a shout I wondered no longer, I knew the voice that was yonder.
T'was my worthless brother tapping, oh so gently he was rapping.
Rapping at my bedroom door,  His nasally voice began to implore,
"I just need some money, nothing more."

I let a groan and sat there peering, wondering how long he'd stay there leering.
Leering with demonic eyes of fire,  passively waiting by the spire.
My silence remained unbroken, and yet he stayed just as outspoken.
"I will pay you back once I score, please dear Satan, I implore."
He sat there in it for the long haul, waiting at my bedroom door.
Just that asshole Kevin, and no one more.

He liked to gamble shit online, a waste of my money, and a waste of time.
I peered into the key hole at him, he had a big shit-eating grin.
He thought he was charming, and thought he was handsome,
But only a blind/deaf mother would pay that greasy fucks ransom.
He shuffled his feet upon the floor, and rubbed in place his bad comb-over.
Then quoth the Kevin, "Gimme more."

Many times he's tried this shit, but I have had enough of it.
Always trying to leech off my fame, he truly hasn't an ounce of shame.
Of all the demons he was the lamest, even worst he was one of the tamest.
He almost never leaves his house, just sits in his own filth like a louse.
Til he needs something from me of course, then just waits there at the door.
"Fuck you Kevin,  I can take no more!"

"So you are home dear brother, I figured as much.
You're a creature of habit. Sorry that I've been out of touch."
I grumbled back in a mumbling tone, "I just want you to leave my home."
He grew quiet sensing my hostility. At this point I wouldn't give him AIDS for free.
"I'm willing to compromise," he timidly tore, "Please just open up the door.
That's all I want and nothing more."

"If you really want to compromise, give me what's owed from the last three times.
Here you come in uninvited, pretending my presence makes you so delighted.
You're full of shit, and I want to sleep. You'd better get lost, and not a peep.
Get out of here with that rap tap tapping, bothering me while I was napping.
Tapping at my bedroom door. Tapping like so many times before.
Please Fuck off forevermore."

Finally he got the hint, but then his voice grew a crueler glint.
"I should have sided with dad back then, No one expects your faggot ass to win."
I gave a laugh and shrugged it off, "If you like him so much, ask him for free stuff.
At least you'll finally be out of my hair. Go annoy him for once, see if I care."
After those words he stormed off like a child, I hope it means he'll be gone awhile.
So fuck you Kevin, glad you're out the door. I hope I will see you nevermore.
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Comments: 27

LizzyChrome [2020-07-12 17:36:00 +0000 UTC]

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Shinigami-Sadies [2020-05-20 14:59:43 +0000 UTC]

👍: 1 ⏩: 0

Chezzy-Am [2020-05-19 15:06:08 +0000 UTC]

👍: 2 ⏩: 1

PuzzledHeartBox In reply to Chezzy-Am [2020-07-07 18:54:19 +0000 UTC]

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Chezzy-Am In reply to PuzzledHeartBox [2020-07-08 21:45:15 +0000 UTC]

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

shelleypalmer [2016-10-30 17:29:24 +0000 UTC]

Brilliant!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

tacodoqqu [2016-10-07 20:21:30 +0000 UTC]

 

👍: 1 ⏩: 0

skrawll [2016-07-08 10:56:58 +0000 UTC]

This is Aesome

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

lindentr33 [2016-05-11 17:49:15 +0000 UTC]

Nice one. And uncomfortably close to home. Just be grateful you didn't have to share a 10 by 8 bedroom with Kevin. 

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Rinthi [2016-03-14 20:30:39 +0000 UTC]

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PivotShadow [2016-03-14 16:07:42 +0000 UTC]

My favourite version of the poem is still this one: everything2.com/title/The+Rave…

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LizzyChrome [2016-03-14 03:55:15 +0000 UTC]

Who knew Satan had a greasy brother named Kevin? 

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

InternetSatan In reply to LizzyChrome [2016-03-14 09:15:03 +0000 UTC]

He actually changed his name to Kevin to sound more menacing. He said Kôkhabîêl was too hard for people in this day, and age to pronounce.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

LizzyChrome In reply to InternetSatan [2016-03-14 16:34:32 +0000 UTC]

Does he look like Kevin Bacon (or however it's spelled)? 

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InternetSatan In reply to LizzyChrome [2016-03-15 02:38:45 +0000 UTC]

If Kevin Bacon was hit in the face with a shovel for a couple hours, then yes.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

LizzyChrome In reply to InternetSatan [2016-03-15 03:46:10 +0000 UTC]

Holy balls, I just Googled the actor and damn is he ugly. Your brother Kevin must be even worse then. 

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

InternetSatan In reply to LizzyChrome [2016-03-15 03:54:32 +0000 UTC]

This would be a more accurate representation:
sta.sh/0kbgyvgia5m

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

LizzyChrome In reply to InternetSatan [2016-03-15 04:02:56 +0000 UTC]

Oh, well your brother Kevin is slightly better looking than Mr. Bacon. 

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InternetSatan In reply to LizzyChrome [2016-03-15 04:07:40 +0000 UTC]

Just don't tell him that, or he'll get an even more inflated ego.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

LizzyChrome In reply to InternetSatan [2016-03-15 04:15:40 +0000 UTC]

Very well. 

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LizzyChrome [2016-03-14 03:51:46 +0000 UTC]

Brings a tear to mine eye. 

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xclaux [2016-03-09 01:27:43 +0000 UTC]

Brb suggesting this as a DD

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

InternetSatan In reply to xclaux [2016-03-10 10:59:42 +0000 UTC]

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Biblehumper [2016-03-07 19:20:48 +0000 UTC]

Flagged as Spam

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

InternetSatan In reply to Biblehumper [2016-03-08 00:21:17 +0000 UTC]

Thank you, but I am no human.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Biblehumper In reply to InternetSatan [2016-03-08 04:16:01 +0000 UTC]

Flagged as Spam

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

InternetSatan In reply to Biblehumper [2016-03-08 04:50:41 +0000 UTC]

It's all good. Unlike a deity whom I will not name names that is less secure in himself, I'm not going to hold anyone accountable for a simple mistake.

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Zomboss-Boy1903 [2016-03-07 14:43:47 +0000 UTC]

Beautiful.

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Farenheit360 [2016-03-07 07:39:10 +0000 UTC]

I love this. I really do

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