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Published: 2011-06-05 00:31:17 +0000 UTC; Views: 388; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 0
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Auntie Kanga sleeps silently, her baby snoring quietly in her pouch. Suddenly the door of the hut creaks open and a shadowy figure walks inside, licking his non-existent lips. He tiptoes into the hut, grabbing loot from every crevice her can find. He turns to gaze upon the sleeping mother and her child and then almost laughs, the baby is awake, staring at him with round, brown eyes. A smile spreads across the pokemon's face and he grabs the child, snatching her away from her mother's warm pouch. He stuffs her in his loot bag and runs, slamming the door behind him and carrying the baby far away..."Why are we up..........." I whine, glaring at the oshawott next to me with narrowed eyes. He turns to stare at me with a silly grin on his face and I am tempted to slap him just for looking at me with those abnormal red eyes. He doesn't answer me, but keeps walking, ignoring my grumbling about being up at the crack of dawn. A few moments later, I stop, hearing a high pitched noise in the distance. I look around for the origin of the sound, but find nothing. "Did you-"
"Yes." Yang says, without even bothering to let me finish my question. It didn't matter anyway, he always knows what I am going to say... somehow. He starts to walk faster, going in the direction from whence we came, completely ignoring my pleas to just keep walking, to let some other rescue team handle it. Deep in my mind, I know there is no one else around, but I can't help but feel that if we don't get involved, we won't get hurt. I sigh, bowing to his wish to go towards the screaming and crying.
"Wait up!" I pant, longing for him to slow down, but he doesn't. That's my brother, the racing legend. I stop, straining my ears to find the sound again and this time, it comes again, but the voice sounds raspy from the constant screaming. A few moments later, we finally arrive at what seems to be a large brown shack shaped like a kangaskhan and my brother storms in without even bothering to knock... typical.
"Was it you we heard screaming?" My brother asked, even though we could both see that her eyes were swollen and red from crying and a puddle of large tears was spreading around her broad paws. I look down, tearing my gaze from her face, only to see that her pouch was empty. I gasp as it suddenly dawns on me who this is.
"You're Auntie Kanga, you store our items. Did Roo go missing?" My brain, usually so quick to solve puzzles, is failing me in the early morning and I desperately try to grasp at the information I am looking for. I had seen it on the billboard the earlier morning. "Oh! Was anything else missing?" I remember that I had seen the picture of a bagon, a thief that would kidnap anyone who saw what he was doing. I slowly piece together everything when Auntie says that her jewels and money were stolen. "I see now. What must have happened was that the thief came in the night and stole the stuff, but Roo woke up and saw, so he took her to keep her silent. He must be in Tao village because I know a great hideout where someone could live and never be found."
Without waiting for the mother of the lost child and my brother, I race out of the hut and start down the road to Tao village, not even bothering to wave hello to Team Sky as I pass the floating pokemon. I hear the scuffling of feet and then my brother pops up beside me as I knew he would. I look at him and a message flits across my face. He knows what I am thinking without me saying it outloud. A smile spreads across his face and he races ahead.
When we finally reach Tao Village, I start walking normally, so as to not look to suspicious. We are not yet a very well known team, so I doubt anybody will think twice about us if they look. I point to a small round opening in the side of a tree and he follows me into it, trying to be as silent as he possibly can. What we find is something that we could have never imagined, well my brother could... maybe. Stacked higher then I thought possible are jwels of every size and shape and color. The money is stuffed inside of bags next to the large, gleaming pile of jewelry. Then my brother nudges me away from the pile and points his shell into a dark corner where, huddled, is a group of 10 or so pokemon.
"Here is Roo, we know you are looking for her." Says a gruff voice that I recognize. "DAD!?" I wonder how he is caught, being that he is one of the greatest rescue teams in Tao village.
"Shhhhhhhhh... you'll wake him." The typhlosion points to a limp shape huddled on top of the pile of jewels. It is a bagon with a thin smirk set across his sleeping face. "I was not caught, I am undercover. I was sent to find out about Bagon." I sigh and shake my head. That's my dad, always undercover. My dad, evidently having been waiting for this moment, crept over to the pile, cutting through the sharp ropes that tie him to the others. He grabs the bagon, who instantly wakes up and ties him up with the rope. I cheer as the bagon struggles in his wrapping. My brother, meanwhile, is working on the untying of everybody's bonds. When he is done, the other pokemon escape, including Roo, who we catch just in time.
"I'll take the bagon to the guild, you get Roo back to Auntie Kanga, I suspect she will be pretty grateful." Our dad winks at us and leaps out of the tree, ragging the bound bagon behind him as he trudges towards the guild. My brother and I look at each other with grins spread across our faces, something that doesn't often happen to me. "MY BABY!!!" Our smiles turn to open-mouthed shock as Auntie comes running down the road, trips over a stone and lands right in front of us looking bruised, but not hurt. "You got her!" I hand Roo to her mother and the two reunite in a happy embrace. Auntie Kanga hands us 200 poke, a red gummi, and a blue gummi. We smile and thank her. As she walks away, I turn to my brother and glare at him.
"Can we go back to bed now."
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Comments: 8
michael2021 [2011-06-22 10:16:41 +0000 UTC]
Can you then add your application please? Thanks.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Quietlittlejerk [2011-06-05 01:02:42 +0000 UTC]
Well, I must say, it was fun to read. You made a bold decision going for first person present tense, but because of this there were some spots where it was very awkward. I'd advise that you go to a more conventional tense format. Otherwise, do a little more re-checking of your work and you should be on the right track.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Lifewing431 In reply to Quietlittlejerk [2011-06-05 14:40:45 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for the critique.
Can you specify a part where it was awkward?
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Quietlittlejerk In reply to Lifewing431 [2011-06-05 16:52:47 +0000 UTC]
The wordless communication of the siblings, the sudden appearance of the father, those little elements. They just feel a bit strained. Besides that, first person present is just an awkward tense in general. It's alright if you continue to write in it, but I wouldn't. Even so, like I said, it was a fun read.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Lifewing431 In reply to Quietlittlejerk [2011-06-05 19:34:10 +0000 UTC]
Honestly, writing in first person is easier, but I see what you are saying. I sort of tried to incorporate the sibling communication thing, but I think I needed to elaborate on it. Thanks for he input!
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