spoems [2013-03-30 19:52:50 +0000 UTC]

Hi, Sorry it's taken so long to get back to this -I'm fairly disorganized and easily distracted.

So, overall, I'd say this piece is poetically sound - I didn't notice any real aesthetic issues to speak of. Good work.

As for areas of improvement, the main issue with the poem is how impersonal it seems. You haven't utilized any pronouns or even ascribed these images to a personal narrative. They appear to be happening in a void. Where are the "fragile heartbeats" coming from? Who is experiencing them, and why? In order for the reader to really care about why something or someone is being "blocked by fear [of living]", they need to find some personal context , some connection to your description. You haven't provided any context for these thoughts. One can assume they are your thoughts, and that the only context for them is a moment of your contemplation. But having to make these assumptions is somewhat distracting. Why not give the reader some background, some setting? Maybe you're lying in your bed, half-awake, half dreaming. Maybe you're in the shower, in the store, climbing a mountain. Maybe you're thinking of someone or something else , and this is all free association. Anything to draw the reader to something materially relevant, at least at first, and before you go completely abstract and metaphorical, would help personalize the poem a bit more, I think.

Anyway, I hope some of this is useful. Nice doing business with you.

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Chezzy-Am [2013-02-18 07:44:30 +0000 UTC]

... umm...

fragile heartbeats, gentle pumps beating
change it to fragile heartbeats... gentle pumping...

within a cavernous chest…lost amidst the
rancor of unrequited affection, wandering
the land of the lost and skies of the confused

mountainous breaths flail through suffocating
paths, blocked by fear [of living] and carried
by the pressure of surviving until the next


happy moment…evanescent inhalations
change this to

happy moment...

evanescent inhalations

apart from that, its a very well written poem.

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Contradictory55 [2013-02-18 05:15:31 +0000 UTC]

It's a beautiful description of a beating heart and breathing

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