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Published: 2012-11-03 03:42:11 +0000 UTC; Views: 224; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 0
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Description
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palpating hearts send echoes across the room
moving tandem in duo sets, lost within each
other couples wind throughout the dance
floor; elegant ball gowns flowing, wind flirting
within the folds of glittering pearlescent blue cloth.
dapper suits clamber across thin shoulders scaling
down tapered backs before branching out onto
muscled legs—gleaming onyx shoes complete the look,
as 20’s hairstyles slip into the 1890’s atmosphere
seamlessly meeting in dark alcoves, gliding over couples
embraced in something not-quite holy matrimony but
close enough for their tastes evolved by school days
sandwiched between midnight talks and mid-morning
silence… silver stars shimmer in the moon’s night sky
as couples retreat, strategically avoiding parents, teachers,
other nuisances…focused on ascending heartbeats and
descending hands…prom nights—one and a million chances
at love.
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Comments: 19
NotenSMSK [2012-11-22 14:30:22 +0000 UTC]
This is quite the nice read! I am surprised this did not work for you! It was simple to understand yet with balanecd expressions (the way I like it ^^). I have never had the experience of going to a prom night so I won't know of it but you expressed it quite elegantly.
I liked the way you described the clothes and atmosphere (atlhough not-quite holy matrimony was a strange moment for me) and integrated the hairstyles even without loosing the feel of a poem... something I don't think I will be able to manage easily. So good job over there. The ending is quite well written.
One thing... The sentences are quite long. While I am totally happy with long sentences (If you read "A Quills Lament" you will know that) but... well they were too long It didn't disturb me other than me noticing that there is... no fullstop for quite some time. It didn't disturb the work though.
Other than that...
"...duo sets, lost within each
other couples wind throughout the dance
floor..."
I think that there should be a fullstop after "each other". Or perhaps some other indicator since I was confused over the structure. Other than that... I am surprised you didn't succeed! Were the others so good?
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LightOverpowers58 In reply to NotenSMSK [2012-11-23 04:26:31 +0000 UTC]
Why was not-quite holy matrimony a strange moment for you?...Sorry, that's the concept of your reply that stuck out the most.
Thank you for reading and enjoying this piece, dear, it means a lot!
The reason I don't have very many pauses and/or fullstops is that they break the reader's rhythm so I leave them in places I believe need them. That said, I agree with you, there should be some sort of pause after each other. The other pieces were outstanding, I guess my poem didn't met the standards set for it.
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NotenSMSK In reply to LightOverpowers58 [2012-11-23 23:05:16 +0000 UTC]
Well... how should I put it... "Holy-Matrimony" not only symbolizes marriage, it also represents a sacred pact or a legal act. The way you put it makes it a bit... well, uncomfortable as in it is not a right thing. That is how it sounded to me
Well for me, understanding the work is what matters first and then the rest so it somewhat makes it hard to understand. But not this work... this work is fine.
I don't think all other pieces could be that good
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CelestialMemories [2012-11-13 07:00:48 +0000 UTC]
This is a very cute, but still a very mature poem. I absolutely love it! You did an excellent job with this!
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LightOverpowers58 In reply to CelestialMemories [2012-11-14 04:01:39 +0000 UTC]
Thank you, I'm told very cute but very mature can describe me....so, all's well that ends well.
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CelestialMemories In reply to LightOverpowers58 [2012-11-16 16:31:52 +0000 UTC]
You're welcome!
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RisingWolve [2012-11-11 19:40:45 +0000 UTC]
Wow this is rather cute. I'm rather confused as to why midnight isn't in bold. (Stylistic effect, I know
) I find the effect of the world wouldn't change any in bold. Either way, I love this~
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LightOverpowers58 In reply to RisingWolve [2012-11-12 01:53:45 +0000 UTC]
Thank you
I had a reason...but I didn't write it down so I have forgotten why I didn't bold midnight. As such, I will be changing that shortly.
Thanks again, dear!
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RisingWolve In reply to LightOverpowers58 [2012-11-13 17:52:25 +0000 UTC]
You're welcome!
Now I wish I knew the reason... Okay.
No problem!
(... I really wish you remembered the reason haha)
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LightOverpowers58 In reply to RisingWolve [2012-11-16 03:07:37 +0000 UTC]
You are welcome and yes, I wished I remembered what that thought was as well!
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Contradictory55 [2012-11-03 05:28:17 +0000 UTC]
AW. It's so cute! And though about teenage love, not overly cliche, or at least not noticeably so unless one looks really, really close
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LightOverpowers58 In reply to Contradictory55 [2012-11-04 00:00:32 +0000 UTC]
Thank you!
(It is completely cliched though.)
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Contradictory55 In reply to LightOverpowers58 [2012-11-04 04:54:26 +0000 UTC]
Welcome~
(It's hard for it not to be. Cliche is basically what teen love is XD)
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LightOverpowers58 In reply to Contradictory55 [2012-11-05 00:46:30 +0000 UTC]
Haha, I agree.
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PrideofPanem [2012-11-03 04:04:59 +0000 UTC]
Palpitating my lovely <3
And goodbye to any chance I had of making it to the next round - if all the other poems are half as good as this one I'm screwed.
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LightOverpowers58 In reply to PrideofPanem [2012-11-04 00:00:00 +0000 UTC]
Haha, whatever. You are being self-deprecating for no reason! You will most assuredly make it; besides, I have read other entries, I doubt I will qualify for the first round.
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PrideofPanem In reply to LightOverpowers58 [2012-11-04 01:35:06 +0000 UTC]
I'm always self-deprecating My one friend told me that I'm smarter than her and I laughed so hard.
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LightOverpowers58 In reply to PrideofPanem [2012-11-05 00:46:45 +0000 UTC]
Hehe, that shouldn't be funny, but it is.
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