LightrayPhotography In reply to Black-Jack-Attack [2013-09-22 02:31:10 +0000 UTC]

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Black-Jack-Attack In reply to LightrayPhotography [2013-09-22 14:23:15 +0000 UTC]

Yeah that is so true, the first draft is only the begining

oh cool

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LightrayPhotography In reply to IHaveNoPseudonym [2013-09-19 06:06:20 +0000 UTC]

I forgot to mention, in this style, the most powerful lines arise when you leave out a line. When one line sticks out from others "or empty it, in vein" has that sort of sick, 'we think she is going to leave this situation there is hope' and this brutal unremitting, unrhyming line snaps us out of that right quick. It immediately seems less sing-songy and more serious. Not to mention the in vein, in vain sort of comparison our eyes make. We understand her situation she tries to leave in vain but this figure is her addiction so she pumps the heroin, 'in vein' 

I'm talking too much, lawl, i was just super proud of this when it finally popped together for me. I am still not happy with the last two lines but sometimes you just have to let go and come back to it a bit later. 

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IHaveNoPseudonym In reply to LightrayPhotography [2013-09-19 06:16:07 +0000 UTC]

Those are some of the most honest and disheartening and best lines of this poem and the in vein, in vain dichotomy is sheer brilliance.

Nonsense! I'm always up for talking about poetry. It's a bit hard to find decent poets who actually wish to discuss their craft with others.

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LightrayPhotography In reply to IHaveNoPseudonym [2013-09-20 07:10:29 +0000 UTC]

Im sure there are way "more-better" poets on this website than me. Considering I know less about poetry then blind people know about color. 

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LightrayPhotography In reply to IHaveNoPseudonym [2013-09-19 06:01:59 +0000 UTC]

Yeahm writting like this is very difficult. The brutal internal rhymes have to seem unforced or it really defeats the purpose. I wanted more alternating rhyme like in the first stanza but I didn't want to restructure the entire poem for another month. The content needs to be dark enough to convince the viewer that there is one person taking advantage of another but still light enough that the language itself isn't revulsive or abusive to the viewer. I begin each work with some rules. Writing in this style is incredibly restrictive content wise and rhyme wise, but the most difficult restrictions are within the very structure:

Each stanza must be 7 lines

Each line must be 5 syllables. 

Gripping the rose and suicide guide have similar styles and challenges and tackle the same sort of dark atmosphere. 

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IHaveNoPseudonym In reply to LightrayPhotography [2013-09-19 06:13:36 +0000 UTC]

That's an extremely restrictive style. I do agree that when poetry sounds forced, unless that is the point, it then loses a lot of the power. It feels more like a for-school poem than a piece of art. 

I'm definitely going to check out the rest of your poetry, though. I really like your style. The dark aspects and elements are brutal, but at the same time fascinating. 

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LightrayPhotography In reply to Philliewig [2013-09-17 03:11:05 +0000 UTC]

I like your interpretation but it was intended a metaphor. I was talking about taking advantage of a women who just got out of an abusive relationship. More or less. Like I was her heroin  

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