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Description
In advance, I'd like to apologise to those who feel offended without being my actual.. Well.. Targets. This might cost me a few popularity points. But I have to vent.

Little over a year ago, Luvy was a mere human character. Well, mostly human. No anthro, no feral, no furry, nothing. Eventually, I started considering giving him an anthro form as I started to grow more fond of FA. Add the infinite love for a wolfess to the mix, and I had plenty of motivation.

This was one of the first concepts for Luvy, some sort of.. Biomechanical Shark-Dragon-thing. I liked it. I still do. Yes, those are valves in his neck, like the air-intake on a big musclecar. But I had some complaints from.. Well, one person. Stupid complaints, but hmmeh. Later on, I went with a simple wolf-character. Not to be original, but just.. Have something nice and simple. Yet I've always liked this character. So here ya go.

But as I drew this, I was.. And still am, somewhat, lost in thoughts. Recently, I've been facing more of the past. Though I wasn't abused by my parents or anything (My parents have always cared for me and taken good care of me) or raped or whatever (Hah, people are still too sane for that), I've faced many hardships. Lately, this is coming up more and more. When some things happened, this sorrow turned into.. Well.. Anger. At some points almost rage. Towards myself, mostly.

Being an antisocial person, I find it hard to talk to people. I've been in the shadows of hundreds, perhaps thousands of people who've kicked me down for 18 years. It's left scars. Deep scars, some only starting to heal now. What few friends I have seem to have the tendency to just fade away. I tell you now, there are friends that have always been there for me. People who I could always rely on, who'd stand up for me. These people I truly love, because I know the value of friendship. These people are definately not the ones I.. Well, I feel anger to, right now. I've had so many friends just.. Disappear from one day to another. Just.. Poof.

Without answer, they'd disappear, leave me behind in doubt. Though I felt sorrow, it lashed at wounds I didn't even feel at first. Only now do I look down at my heart, my personality.. And see what remains of the slashed up, bleeding rests of what could've been me. Honestly, I wonder what'd happened to me if I'd been like the rest. Normally, I'm a calm person. I care for the good people, I'll protect them, even if I end up being hurt myself. I'm forgiving, I'm gentle.

Tonight, I'm not me. Tonight, I'll take on the form of this.. Other "Luvy", because simply.. It has to happen. Either I let the anger eat away at the bleeding remains. Or I let it all out, locking my heart afterwards, keeping the darkness inside, the love in it.

Recently, yet another friend suddenly disappeared. Not just some random person on the internet, no, I spent hours, days, weeks, months.. Hell, YEARS with this person. Just a friend, mind you, but a close one to me. When you have few friends like me, you'll learn to appreciate them more. When this friend, like many others, had problems, I was there for him. I stayed up til the early morning hours to help him when he was scared or confused. It's good to know that you're needed. Slowly, I grew confident, talked to more people. I met people like Shaw, Essui, Lintu, Pizzacat, and many others. Friends who are luckily still with me. And even if I don't talk that much, I appreciate just.. Seeing them online, knowing that I CAN talk to him. So to know that one of my few friends, who's name I won't mention, suddenly decided to leave me behind.. Well, let's say that stitching wounds is hard when there are knives still cutting at it.

I wondered if I should post it. I won't mention names. Even though right now, I can't really.. See any reason why I shouldn't. Wouldn't want anyone else to get kicked down. For weeks, months, it was quiet. I didn't know what happened, but when I noticed comments being posted around, people happily chatting to him, I found out it wasn't him. Apparently, it was me. Didn't know why, tried to ask via people who also knew him. Then, after months of silence, I finally got the explanation, right from the source. Apparently, becoming friends with other people, many of which I've already lost in the progress, was hard on HIM. They were his property, I was trespassing. His own words were that he liked it when I was down in my little corner, shutting up, drawing other things. Being the antisocial shell that I once was. To find out that as I slowly climbed up, people couldn't handle the thought of that. Even though this person, and perhaps many others are so much more popular. Even though I fear every word I speak. Even though I haven't slept in 20 years. TWENTY YEARS. Without thinking about or even doubting choices made in my life, even the smallest ones. The fact that I've cried myself to sleep for many years, and honestly.. Still do, sometimes. The fear that fills my heart and rips it up. You know it's bad when you're curling up against your pillow at night, scared that even that will fade away.

Apparently, people didn't like me climbing back up. Even though I was still only barely standing up, at the foot of the mountain, it scared them that I was actually still moving, it seems. I wondered what I should do. Was I trespassing? Was I doing things all wrong? Maybe I should stay down where I used to be, rot away. You have no idea how hard I've cried out in agony. These things I kept to myself for many years. I've talked to the few friends I had about my pain, but I've never been able to truly open up to anyone. Never been able to collapse onto my knees and cry my heart out. Because these thoughts scare me. How could they not scare anyone else? I've considered many things. To shut up. To disappear. To... Leave this planet, even. I only held people back. Even when I merely tried to climb back on my feet, gazing up at the endless mountain road before me.

But even as I bleed, even as I rip up my own wounds to fix them properly, even as I howl out in pain, even lose complete control over my thoughts and fears.. Even as I feel my heart burning, bleeding, I've made my decision. You, my "friend", who has forsaken me, not even realising who I truly am.. Honestly, I try to forgive you, but you just disappeared again after explaining.

To those who oppose me or hold me back. To those who just throw me aside after I've proven to be useless...Fuck them. Fuck you all, the maggots that keep me pinned down. Instead of lying down in this ravine, I'll stand up. No matter how many times I get beaten, kicked, slashed or shot, I'll stand up. Because when I look up the mountain and see the sun behind it, I know I'm sick of these cold shadows. I wanna climb this mountain. I WILL climb this mountain. I'll go through fucking boundaries, I'll throw aside everybody who's in my way. I'll guide those that are TRUE friends.. Because FOR FUCK'S SAKE, I'M NOT GIVING UP. I don't CARE what sort of FUCKING DEMONS HAUNT ME, I WILL rip them all apart! Not even if my mind's shattered, my body torn apart, by heart crushed, not even then will I give up. BECAUSE I WON'T. FUCKING. LISTEN TO THE WORTHLESS SCUM WHO TRY TO KEEP ME DOWN, YOU HEAR ME?

I'll NEVER give up. NEVER. I'll fucking BREAK the mountain if I have to, along with all the worthless pieces of shit who think they can just USE me, HURT me. So don't EVER try to hold me down, YOU HEAR ME?!

..It's still many thousands of miles up that mountain. It's an impossible journey, but I don't fucking care. These scars will remain. Living with the pain might be hard. Hell, it makes me cry and scream, sometimes, just.. Wishing I were a different person. But y'know what? Fuck you all. I don't fucking care anymore, because either you get the fuck out of my fucking way, or I'll make sure to share all that pain with you. And trust me, it's enough to drive anyone insane.

After eighteen years in the shadows, I've learned to be wary of people. Now I notice that just saying "hello" during a walk takes courage and strength. I just hope all those faggots are happy with these wounds. Because I won't allow it any longer.

I'm closing this heart from the darkness, not the love. After all that anger, I.. Just..

..I want to say thank you to those that didn't leave me. Some people, such as my parents, my sister, even people like Lintu and many others have shown to be amazing friends. People I could truly rely on, people who were there. Even people like Essui, Shaw, Pizzacat and all those other people I can't.. I don't share too much feelings with you, but you all help in your own way. I know I don't say much, I can be quiet for weeks. But the thought of being able to talk to you all, the thought of you being there for me, even if it's just for some jokes or a random OC-session.. It helps a lot, more than you could imagine. It's those hands that reach up from the sunlight to help me up, all in their own way. They're the reason why I travel up the mountain, with a smile that won't ever fade, no matter how weak.

..Then there's one more person. The one who stands at the top of the mountain. who smiles down on me. The light that guides me and gives me strength. The light that never fades, the sun that burns brightly atop of that mountain. My dearest angel, Dracky.. The powerful and loving howl of my wolfess always make me smile, no matter how dark or cold the night may be. You've taught me so many things in so many ways. Wether it's merely my artstyle, or the fact that I.. That I might not even be here, if it weren't for you.. I owe you so much and I can't even begin to tell you how grateful I am. Nor how much I love you.. I'll never give up, even if my body falls apart, if my mind and spirit are shattered. I'll keep on going, no matter how scared I am. Because I can see that smile, no matter how far away. I can feel your love, radiating in my heart. Giving me so much strength and courage, so much confidence. Without you, it'd be impossible. I promise you here and now, like I've done so many times before, that I'll do anything and everything for you. I promise I won't let you down, that I can do this.. I'll climb this mountain, I'll call it my own, all to be in your arms. I'll rest when I'm with you. Until then, I'll keep on marching, head high with pride, wide smile on my face. And if you fall, I'll be right there to catch you, I promise you that, too..

Jij bent de reden dat ik weer in engelen geloof. Ik heb de mijne immers gevonden. Blijf alsjeblieft altijd bij me, m'n lieve wolvin. Mijn liefde voor jou is onsterfelijk, net als mijn moed en wilskracht.

..H-Heh, I can't help but shed a tear.. Don't worry, my love, it's in bliss.. Even as I face my fears and fix my wounds, I've never been happier. All because of you.

After all that pain and rage, as I post this, it's strange.. For the first time in years, I think I'll finally sleep peacefully, even if it's just for one night.

I vented c:

Description
In advance, I'd like to apologise to those who feel offended without being my actual.. Well.. Targets. This might cost me a few popularity points. But I have to vent.

Little over a year ago, Luvy was a mere human character. Well, mostly human. No anthro, no feral, no furry, nothing. Eventually, I started considering giving him an anthro form as I started to grow more fond of FA. Add the infinite love for a wolfess to the mix, and I had plenty of motivation.

This was one of the first concepts for Luvy, some sort of.. Biomechanical Shark-Dragon-thing. I liked it. I still do. Yes, those are valves in his neck, like the air-intake on a big musclecar. But I had some complaints from.. Well, one person. Stupid complaints, but hmmeh. Later on, I went with a simple wolf-character. Not to be original, but just.. Have something nice and simple. Yet I've always liked this character. So here ya go.

But as I drew this, I was.. And still am, somewhat, lost in thoughts. Recently, I've been facing more of the past. Though I wasn't abused by my parents or anything (My parents have always cared for me and taken good care of me) or raped or whatever (Hah, people are still too sane for that), I've faced many hardships. Lately, this is coming up more and more. When some things happened, this sorrow turned into.. Well.. Anger. At some points almost rage. Towards myself, mostly.

Being an antisocial person, I find it hard to talk to people. I've been in the shadows of hundreds, perhaps thousands of people who've kicked me down for 18 years. It's left scars. Deep scars, some only starting to heal now. What few friends I have seem to have the tendency to just fade away. I tell you now, there are friends that have always been there for me. People who I could always rely on, who'd stand up for me. These people I truly love, because I know the value of friendship. These people are definately not the ones I.. Well, I feel anger to, right now. I've had so many friends just.. Disappear from one day to another. Just.. Poof.

Without answer, they'd disappear, leave me behind in doubt. Though I felt sorrow, it lashed at wounds I didn't even feel at first. Only now do I look down at my heart, my personality.. And see what remains of the slashed up, bleeding rests of what could've been me. Honestly, I wonder what'd happened to me if I'd been like the rest. Normally, I'm a calm person. I care for the good people, I'll protect them, even if I end up being hurt myself. I'm forgiving, I'm gentle.

Tonight, I'm not me. Tonight, I'll take on the form of this.. Other "Luvy", because simply.. It has to happen. Either I let the anger eat away at the bleeding remains. Or I let it all out, locking my heart afterwards, keeping the darkness inside, the love in it.

Recently, yet another friend suddenly disappeared. Not just some random person on the internet, no, I spent hours, days, weeks, months.. Hell, YEARS with this person. Just a friend, mind you, but a close one to me. When you have few friends like me, you'll learn to appreciate them more. When this friend, like many others, had problems, I was there for him. I stayed up til the early morning hours to help him when he was scared or confused. It's good to know that you're needed. Slowly, I grew confident, talked to more people. I met people like Shaw, Essui, Lintu, Pizzacat, and many others. Friends who are luckily still with me. And even if I don't talk that much, I appreciate just.. Seeing them online, knowing that I CAN talk to him. So to know that one of my few friends, who's name I won't mention, suddenly decided to leave me behind.. Well, let's say that stitching wounds is hard when there are knives still cutting at it.

I wondered if I should post it. I won't mention names. Even though right now, I can't really.. See any reason why I shouldn't. Wouldn't want anyone else to get kicked down. For weeks, months, it was quiet. I didn't know what happened, but when I noticed comments being posted around, people happily chatting to him, I found out it wasn't him. Apparently, it was me. Didn't know why, tried to ask via people who also knew him. Then, after months of silence, I finally got the explanation, right from the source. Apparently, becoming friends with other people, many of which I've already lost in the progress, was hard on HIM. They were his property, I was trespassing. His own words were that he liked it when I was down in my little corner, shutting up, drawing other things. Being the antisocial shell that I once was. To find out that as I slowly climbed up, people couldn't handle the thought of that. Even though this person, and perhaps many others are so much more popular. Even though I fear every word I speak. Even though I haven't slept in 20 years. TWENTY YEARS. Without thinking about or even doubting choices made in my life, even the smallest ones. The fact that I've cried myself to sleep for many years, and honestly.. Still do, sometimes. The fear that fills my heart and rips it up. You know it's bad when you're curling up against your pillow at night, scared that even that will fade away.

Apparently, people didn't like me climbing back up. Even though I was still only barely standing up, at the foot of the mountain, it scared them that I was actually still moving, it seems. I wondered what I should do. Was I trespassing? Was I doing things all wrong? Maybe I should stay down where I used to be, rot away. You have no idea how hard I've cried out in agony. These things I kept to myself for many years. I've talked to the few friends I had about my pain, but I've never been able to truly open up to anyone. Never been able to collapse onto my knees and cry my heart out. Because these thoughts scare me. How could they not scare anyone else? I've considered many things. To shut up. To disappear. To... Leave this planet, even. I only held people back. Even when I merely tried to climb back on my feet, gazing up at the endless mountain road before me.

But even as I bleed, even as I rip up my own wounds to fix them properly, even as I howl out in pain, even lose complete control over my thoughts and fears.. Even as I feel my heart burning, bleeding, I've made my decision. You, my "friend", who has forsaken me, not even realising who I truly am.. Honestly, I try to forgive you, but you just disappeared again after explaining.

To those who oppose me or hold me back. To those who just throw me aside after I've proven to be useless...Fuck them. Fuck you all, the maggots that keep me pinned down. Instead of lying down in this ravine, I'll stand up. No matter how many times I get beaten, kicked, slashed or shot, I'll stand up. Because when I look up the mountain and see the sun behind it, I know I'm sick of these cold shadows. I wanna climb this mountain. I WILL climb this mountain. I'll go through fucking boundaries, I'll throw aside everybody who's in my way. I'll guide those that are TRUE friends.. Because FOR FUCK'S SAKE, I'M NOT GIVING UP. I don't CARE what sort of FUCKING DEMONS HAUNT ME, I WILL rip them all apart! Not even if my mind's shattered, my body torn apart, by heart crushed, not even then will I give up. BECAUSE I WON'T. FUCKING. LISTEN TO THE WORTHLESS SCUM WHO TRY TO KEEP ME DOWN, YOU HEAR ME?

I'll NEVER give up. NEVER. I'll fucking BREAK the mountain if I have to, along with all the worthless pieces of shit who think they can just USE me, HURT me. So don't EVER try to hold me down, YOU HEAR ME?!

..It's still many thousands of miles up that mountain. It's an impossible journey, but I don't fucking care. These scars will remain. Living with the pain might be hard. Hell, it makes me cry and scream, sometimes, just.. Wishing I were a different person. But y'know what? Fuck you all. I don't fucking care anymore, because either you get the fuck out of my fucking way, or I'll make sure to share all that pain with you. And trust me, it's enough to drive anyone insane.

After eighteen years in the shadows, I've learned to be wary of people. Now I notice that just saying "hello" during a walk takes courage and strength. I just hope all those faggots are happy with these wounds. Because I won't allow it any longer.

I'm closing this heart from the darkness, not the love. After all that anger, I.. Just..

..I want to say thank you to those that didn't leave me. Some people, such as my parents, my sister, even people like Lintu and many others have shown to be amazing friends. People I could truly rely on, people who were there. Even people like Essui, Shaw, Pizzacat and all those other people I can't.. I don't share too much feelings with you, but you all help in your own way. I know I don't say much, I can be quiet for weeks. But the thought of being able to talk to you all, the thought of you being there for me, even if it's just for some jokes or a random OC-session.. It helps a lot, more than you could imagine. It's those hands that reach up from the sunlight to help me up, all in their own way. They're the reason why I travel up the mountain, with a smile that won't ever fade, no matter how weak.

..Then there's one more person. The one who stands at the top of the mountain. who smiles down on me. The light that guides me and gives me strength. The light that never fades, the sun that burns brightly atop of that mountain. My dearest angel, Dracky.. The powerful and loving howl of my wolfess always make me smile, no matter how dark or cold the night may be. You've taught me so many things in so many ways. Wether it's merely my artstyle, or the fact that I.. That I might not even be here, if it weren't for you.. I owe you so much and I can't even begin to tell you how grateful I am. Nor how much I love you.. I'll never give up, even if my body falls apart, if my mind and spirit are shattered. I'll keep on going, no matter how scared I am. Because I can see that smile, no matter how far away. I can feel your love, radiating in my heart. Giving me so much strength and courage, so much confidence. Without you, it'd be impossible. I promise you here and now, like I've done so many times before, that I'll do anything and everything for you. I promise I won't let you down, that I can do this.. I'll climb this mountain, I'll call it my own, all to be in your arms. I'll rest when I'm with you. Until then, I'll keep on marching, head high with pride, wide smile on my face. And if you fall, I'll be right there to catch you, I promise you that, too..

Jij bent de reden dat ik weer in engelen geloof. Ik heb de mijne immers gevonden. Blijf alsjeblieft altijd bij me, m'n lieve wolvin. Mijn liefde voor jou is onsterfelijk, net als mijn moed en wilskracht.

..H-Heh, I can't help but shed a tear.. Don't worry, my love, it's in bliss.. Even as I face my fears and fix my wounds, I've never been happier. All because of you.

After all that pain and rage, as I post this, it's strange.. For the first time in years, I think I'll finally sleep peacefully, even if it's just for one night.

I vented c: