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MasterMorality — I'm Going
Published: 2011-06-19 20:50:42 +0000 UTC; Views: 169; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 4
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Description
Off the line, "I'm going!"Supply, the drill's droning
Army count growing,
Throw the barracks down knowing:
Here come the first guns
Here come the first ones
Behind the wall fingers pump
Dead bodies on the ground
"I'm going!" - that's the sound
Here's your army backbone
Sent scouting out alone
Swinging by the other side
Now here's your info
So send the boys on out to die
"By the numbers" stim-time
New barracks on the way
Concussion shell to the face
A bullet to brain
There goes another marine
He's gettin' eaten by a Queen.
And the ranks push forward
Both sides get slaughtered
Mineral line in sight
Three Soldiers upright
Lock and load, micro
Dead drones on show
There's the base, there it blows
Power-suited bullet-thrower
Good game, game over
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Comments: 5
I really like the rhyming scheme and how it's quite intense in the first stanza, as if everybody was getting ready and rushing around... it increases the tension and speed of things, I suppose.
The way you've phrased things is fantastic and I like how you've repeated the "I'm going" part, as that seems to add a poignancy to it all, how... one moves from one place to another in more ways than one, if that makes sense?
I'm not too fond with the way this has next to no punctuation... I don't know. I feel there could be more commas and full stops in the third part, for instance.
It's quite jarring in places, like the last two lines in the third stanza... that reflects the situation quite effectively, I guess.
It's great how you've made every word count here, or at least it feels that way... the last line is especially effective, I think, with the way you've repeated 'game' and how that makes it more poetic, in a sense...
Overall, it's a profound piece, and I think you've described the situation very well. It reminds me of Wilfred Owen's poetry, but yours is in... your own unique style, I guess you could say. I like the tone conveyed and how.. yeah, it's the same message, but portrayed a bit differently, as if war is the same all over, fighting the same, just the numbers of people that change, or the people themselves, depending on how you look at it.
Well written.
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I thought it was kinda of weird how it turned out, it was only really supposed to be amusing and light hearted, but somewhere in that five minutes darker tones seemed to creep in.
I think I started out from the perspective of the game and then inadvertently took it into a more 'real' aspect?
Maybe that sounds pompous or self aggrandising...
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Oh right... yeah, I do agree with you there. I guess there is a hint of amusement there, and a hint of light-heartedness too, but... for me, it's more bitter sweet irony, if that makes sense?
Mm-hmm. I think so. It's an interesting transition, though.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
