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MasterSavior — Sailor Moon ET - Chapter 10 Revised
Published: 2012-02-21 06:09:54 +0000 UTC; Views: 370; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 3
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Description
Chapter ten's revision is now up and live.So what's up? Jadeite is on his way to reach the Door of Time and Space, Monsters attacking our lovely ladies and now...Jadeite makes matters personal with the Forever Knight.
Something is waiting for Charon on Pluto, something he knows but we do not? Is it juicy? Does the drama make you savor the read all the more? Time to blow it up. What you know about the Moon Kingdom is not entirely accurate. Let me show it to you, the sins of the mother...
He he he. I love what I do.
PDF format, just give the download button a click if it doesn't auto load for you. I definitely want feedback on this. Gimme your good. Gimme your bad. Importantly, I need to know how you feel...
Because if you don't, I'm not doing it right.
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Comments: 7
For some reason, I love the way you write Fighter. Her little spats back and forth with Uranus were entertaining. Artemis swearing kind threw me off, it fit for the circumstances but for some reason it's hard to imagine him using such language. That could just be me though.
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I actually find that, in retrospect, not quite apropo. I plan on taking that out in the final revision. I just wanted his emotions running hot. He tends to pride himself on the 'history' of things, and the cake was a lie. I'd be pissed too.
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It was totally circumstance appropriate, I could see him being "table flipping" pissed if a cat could flip a table. But I'm not so certain the language jived right with the character or his dialogue thus far. Kinda jolted me out of the moment, and it's a really intense moment since it's the first time we're learning the dirt on Serenity.
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I agree. It stands outside of his scope, so I'll adjust his comments to be more fitting.
But that aside, it's coming along splendidly I'd say. Some of the revision material was just perfect. I still adore how I resolved the Haruka/Charon matter.
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Me too! That turned out wonderfully! It was delightfully in-character for both Charon and Haruka. You should be proud of that one.
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Dang...this chapter was just wow. I do enjoy that Charon was able to walk on his own, but his eye still causing him pain shows he is not entirely strong. And Sailor Fighter flirting with Usagi was cute as well. I was a bit confused on who was Sailor Moon, but I got it quickly with it being Chibi-Usa.
Jadeite's fight with the Guardian was intense, but he cheated with Chaos. I know villains play fair but where's Jadeite's honor? As for him taking her blood and twisting the door while his eyes changed color...very fitting as was the Guardian turning to sand as a last effort to defend herself.
Now for Serenity's acts...very disturbing and shocking. But no one would think she would be capable of it...but she's a human being and they make mistakes. She was young and felt feelings for Charon. It was great how Charon didn't budge and parts of his story was explained. But that is not an excuse for what she did, glad she understands this but she was wanting to be forgiven too much. Artemis' words were vulgar but appropiate.
Some missing words, and you are mixing up its and it's a bit but other than that it was well done. ^^ Your story is certainly keeping my attention.
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Thanks for your honest thoughts. I really appreciate them. ^_^
I had to keep the Starlights as we knew them. Fighter flirts, has an issue with Uranus and makes a reference to "Sorry we took center stage, that's just what we do." as an homage to their transformation.
Jadeite is a douche. He just gets a tad darker each time I write a scene with him. Guardian Pluto's counter to Jadeite's intended taunt was fantastic. I love it.
Serenity's sin is awesome, world-shattering and very human. I hate perfect scenario's and I looked for reasons to shake and spice it up. The whole "sin" bit was developed back in 2006, when I learned Pluto actually had three moons, not just one. Named Nix and Hydra, I crafted characters appropriately. A fourth moon was discovered in November, but instead of making a person to represent it, the "Hades Barrier" is set to cover the new finding.
Artemis, cussing? I am on the fence on that. I really wanted to express his displeasure when all of this was revealed. History is his bag, and to have all he cherished hidden over a lie as big as Serenity concealing the Order was crushing. I may alter it in the final re-write. I've yet to decide.
Missing words and it/it's, got it and thank you. It's been noted that chapter ten is in need of cosmetic modifications.
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