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Published: 2006-07-14 08:11:16 +0000 UTC; Views: 1151; Favourites: 17; Downloads: 10
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Every bus pass came with ten rides, and she remembered every one of them. She hardly ever caught buses, finding them too claustrophobic, and so each time she did it stuck in her memory, as sticky and shiny as a piece of glitter that would not go away.She much preferred walking. She could get almost anywhere she wanted this way, and it was a lot cheaper. But one day she needed to catch a bus to the other side of town, too far away to travel by foot. She missed her bus at first, and had to wait for another hour at the bus stop for the next one to arrive. It was blisteringly hot summer weather, and she cursed the idea of public transport as her skin darkened and her nose burnt. When the bus finally pulled up it was smelly and sweaty, and the open windows did little but push hot air through her damp hair. She arrived at the shopping centre when it was close to closing anyway, four o’clock and ticking onwards. She decided to walk home, and by the time she was turning the key in the lock for her dingy apartment it was dark outside and she had blisters on her feet. She bathed them in antiseptic, and revelled at the pain.
The second bus ride was for a fancy dress party, and she wore a flowing skirt and a sparkly top and nothing on her feet. She carried a wooden flute in her hand, and smeared body shimmer across her collarbones. She felt absolutely divine. When she boarded the bus, however, the looks people gave her were strange. The bus driver demanded to see ID, and people placed their bags next to them on the seat, barring her from their life. It was an unfriendly atmosphere, and it seemed like it was all directed at her. When her stop came, she almost ran off the bus, flinging a thankyou at the driver once she was safely on the curb and breathing the fresh air.
The third line on the ticket, electronic dates and times printed in their blue ink, was from when she had to go out at night and couldn’t get a lift with her friends. She was seeing a movie, and had to wait at the bus stop, scared that at any second some unfamiliar and imposing figure would loom out of the shadows and demand all her money. She took short breaths, and wrapped her arms around herself. For the first time ever she was glad to see the bus arrive. She took a seat right at the front, just behind a fat, balding man. Sweat rings lined the armpits of his shirt, and he smelt musky. She was not afraid until he turned around, leering, and called her ‘love.’ The rest of the ride he had let his eyes wander where he wanted, and she sat still, almost too afraid too move. She walked slowly off the bus, but ran once away from the stifling atmosphere. She couldn’t understand why she had been so scared waiting at the bus stop, when the bus itself proved a much scarier prospect.
Needless to say, when it came to bus ride number four, she was not expecting much. She was running late for work and, not wanting to incur her manager’s anger, sadly waited while drizzle rained down on her. When she stepped onto the bus, and paid her fee, and shaken the water from her dark hair, and sat down in the first available seat, she had finally allowed herself to look around. And there he was. Three seats in front of her and to the left. He had the easy nature of someone who caught the 83 every day, and had dark hair and dancing eyes. He wore sneakers tattooed with biro and his clothes were rumpled. He carried a briefcase, which seemed odd, and also an art portfolio, which she thought suited him perfectly. She wanted to talk to him, but instead just watched the back of his head until he got off. She had long ago passed her own stop.
The very next day had been the occasion for the fifth bus ride. She didn’t need to catch the bus at all, really. She told herself she did, but deep down her heart knew when she was lying. Her traitorous stomach flipped as she boarded. She distanced herself from him that day, scared that he might notice her looking at him from afar. Staring, soaking him into her skin. She couldn’t risk it. He wore a faded band t-shirt with holes in it, and a different pair of shoes. He held a sketchpad on his lap and he was drawing, the bumps on the road not seeming to fault his lines. How he could do it she did not know. The sixth, and seventh bus rides passed in a similar fashion, and she varied the degrees by which she sat from him. He sat in the same seat every day.
But the eighth, oh, but the eighth. The eighth bus ride was when they finally spoke. She dared to sit next to him that day -- on the opposite side of the aisle, but in line with him nonetheless. Up close she saw that he had green eyes and long, womanly lashes. Stubble lined his jaw, but his teeth were white and straight. He was drawing again. She peeked at his work from the corner of her eye. It wasn’t the kind of art she liked. She liked the classics, and the people who imitated the art of Botticelli and Michelangelo. He drew graffiti sketches, words with random capitalisation and stark outlines. She found herself liking it. Suddenly, she became aware of him watching her. He smiled as she looked up.
“Like it?” he asked. He had a confident voice. She knew if she told him she hated it he would have just laughed.
“Yes,” she said, quickly, her voice small. He grinned at her suddenly.
“You know,” he said, still smiling, “You’re really pretty.” He got up and walked off the bus, while she was still trying to come up with a reply. A long time later she decided that maybe a ‘thankyou’ would have been sufficient.
On the day of the ninth bus ride it was hailing. Big, heavy stones of ice, falling from the sky and undoubtedly a side effect of God’s wrath. She could not decide what God might have been wrathful for. She waited underneath the bus shelter, shivering as the hail bounced on the road, shining. The bus arrived, and she stepped gratefully into its man-made warmth. But to her dismay, all the seats were taken. And she hated sitting next to strangers, wary every since the incident of the sweating man at night. The artist sat alone, consumed by his drawing. Instead of sitting down on a seat at all she stood awkwardly near the front of the bus, staring out the window, the only sounds the purring engine and ice hitting the metal roof. Suddenly a voice cut through the silence.
“Would you like to sit here?” he asked, gesturing at the empty seat beside him. She pondered, unsure. But he looked so honest, and she soon found herself sitting next to him, as primly as possible, almost unaware of how she arrived there. She was acutely aware of all her limbs, and how they seemed to stick out at odd angles. She didn’t into the bus. He did, though, as if he were a part of it.
“Do you catch this bus often?” he asked, and she smiled shyly before replying.
“Yes. I mainly people-watch.”
“Are you an artist then? A writer?” She shook her head at both of his assumptions.
“I just wait tables.”
“Oh,” he said quickly, “I do the occasional spot of hospitality part time, too. I’m a freelance graphic designer usually, but…” he shrugged, almost apologetic. “It doesn’t always pay the bills, you know? I’ve been working in a studio in the city, recently.”
She nodded.
They talked for the rest of the bus ride. When he finally left she allowed herself to melt, letting her soul drip down onto the stained bus seats.
On the tenth ride she was unsure of how to act once she boarded the bus. She walked slowly, and sought his gaze. She smiled, and started to walk past, when he suddenly reached out and grabbed her arm.
“What are you doing?” he asked good-naturedly, “Sit next to me.”
She gave in with very little convincing, and once again they talked. They talked about everything, from life to death to special birthing hospitals to cremation. Some of it, she felt, they said without words. She knew his stop was approaching soon, and she felt sad. This was the last ride on her ticket. Would she catch a bus again after this? She was sure even his presence was enough to convince her.
She waited nervously for his departure, rehearsing a goodbye in her mind. The stop came. It went. He stayed sitting beside her the whole time.
He was still been talking animatedly, but she was suddenly worried. Had he forgotten to get off? She looked at him seriously and, stuttering, asked him why he had not gotten off at his usual stop. He flushed then, a self-conscious tinge around the ears.
“To be honest,” he said, “I actually didn’t have anywhere to go today. I was just catching the bus because, well, I wanted to talk to you again.”
She looked at him strangely.
“Don’t think I’m a wacko or anything,” he said hurriedly, more embarrassed, “It’s just that we had a nice conversation yesterday.”
She still didn’t say anything, and he seemed to sink, his shoulders sagging and his eyes creasing and his mouth becoming down-turned. He was like a helium balloon she had once gotten from the fair, and watched as it had slowly sank to the ground, defeated by gravity.
“Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?” he asked meekly.
She felt she wanted to inflate him again, and see the colour return to his eyes.
“Okay,” she said simply, “How about now?” Now she was the one blushing. She felt giddy. He visibly brightened, but then looked at her oddly.
“Aren’t you going some where, though?”
She shrugged. “I told you I liked people-watching. I have nowhere to be.”
He laughed, deep and loud, even though it wasn’t that funny. But he still looked embarrassed, just the slightest bit.
“Look,” he said beseechingly, “I want you to know, I don’t usually ask out strangers on the bus. I’m not weird or anything.”
She smiled. “It’s okay, I don’t usually catch buses.”
He laughed again, and grinned at her until they arrived at the city.
She thought that maybe the tenth was the best bus ride of all.
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Comments: 19
colorblindparrot [2009-06-21 21:00:07 +0000 UTC]
i liked 'toilet humour' and wanted more of that sort of wonderfulness. this one drew me in immediately. it was awesome!!!! i love the episodicness of it, using each bus ride as a new adventure, a new circumstance. i do think the simile at the beginning is a bit ornate, but it could work with some manipulation. i'm not sure what biro is, but it sounds like fun. and the way they get to know each other is wonderful and natural, not awkward at all. it could have been an easily botched piece, but you executed it flawlessly. awesome job!!!!!!
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Qrystal [2006-08-30 12:42:44 +0000 UTC]
Wow.. after reading your Toilet Humour story, I couldn't help but check out what else you had.... and this one touched me too! You're quite a romantic, aren't you!? Another feel-good story, another tear in my eye, and now I have to rip myself away and go to work and try not to read anymore of your stuff today.. Wow, I just realized I let out one of those great big happy sighs, and I think it's your fault! Way to go!
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sinisilma [2006-08-09 12:58:27 +0000 UTC]
Starting to notice a recurring theme in your work
I really enjoyed this, it was lovely. I think the above comments about the tense were probably right, and inthe form its in now it flows really well. Liked the inflating analogy too.
As for the glitter, I think it fitted just fine. I always need something to catch my attention when I start to read, otherwise I just zoom through - I zoomed through the first couple of sentences, and then got to the glitter, and part of me went, "woah, hold up - this girl knows what she's doing. Read slow."
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missmidge In reply to sinisilma [2006-08-10 06:24:23 +0000 UTC]
I must have changed the tense around in this story about... well, a lot lof times, anyway... so it's nice to find that it finally flows and is all in one tense without switching around (which I tend to do). Thanks for the comment, it's much appreciated. ^^
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la-alexia [2006-08-06 16:07:52 +0000 UTC]
Very nice. The flow was very good and the descriptions were just as good. I also liked the tone of the story, how it was kind of humorous without being too sarcastic.
Good job.
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elliaana [2006-08-03 10:02:17 +0000 UTC]
omg, that is just so cute!!! i think that glitter thing fitted in just fine actually.
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missmidge In reply to elliaana [2006-08-03 11:03:05 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for your reassurance. I wasn't sure whether the glitter thing came across as completely random and pointlessly-pretty, or the good kind of random and sensical. ^^
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elliaana In reply to missmidge [2006-08-03 13:14:16 +0000 UTC]
the good kind of random and sensical
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RuseOfPoison [2006-07-16 22:01:22 +0000 UTC]
First of all, I want to say that the set up in the first lines were great, describing the premise. Nice.
"But one day she had needed to catch a bus to the other side of town, too far away to travel by foot. " This was a little awkward, I think, because you slipped into 'narration mode', as opposed to 'story mode', all beginning with you using the word 'but' as the first word in the sentence. Try to show this, as opposed to telling the reader.
"She had missed her bus at first, and had had to wait for another hour at the bus stop for the next one to arrive." I know another reader touched on this, but I'm going to say a bit here. "Had had" is something all of us, at one time, face. At this point, you need to KISS ("Keep it simple, stupid"). The same goes for other phrases, and whenever I come across them in writing, I go to the closest verb, and I put it in past tense, so it would be: "She missed the first bus, and waited for another hour for the next to arrive."
See how I just took out all the superlative words? It's easier for a reader to relate if it's closest to what they would be thinking, were they in that situation.
The only thing other than the 'had's is a bit of your structure. There are some parts where you have long sentences glomped all together; intersperse shorter ones in there to break it up.
" “Like it?” he had asked. He had had a confident voice. She had known if she had told him she hated it he would have just laughed.
“Yes,” she had said, quickly, her voice small. He had grinned at her suddenly. "
Again, with the 'had's. I think that's the problem area, for you, but no worries; it's an easy habit to break. Here's how to fix it:
" “Like it?” he asked, his voice confident. She knew if she told him she hated it he would have just laughed.
“Yes,” she said quickly, her voice small. He grinned at her. "
"He had been like a helium balloon she had once gotten from the fair, and had watched as it had slowly sank to the ground, defeated by gravity. " I *love* this analogy. Great imagery here, good job.
Overall, what a great story! I love the concept, how you told the story. I thought of it as "one o' them stories to tell the grandkids". It was great. Good job!
Keep it up!
--Ruse
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missmidge In reply to RuseOfPoison [2006-07-17 01:13:31 +0000 UTC]
Thanks so much for your constructive comment. It makes me smile. ^^
Yeah, I really need to change the tense of this story, I think, to just past tense so that there's no more 'had had' things happening. It would make it so much easier to read! I mean, even when I read it at the moment (and I'm the writer) I'm like 'Grr, make this more simple!' So I think I will...
And thankyou for noticing the sentence length problem... It's something that I always have a lot of trouble with, and I never really notice it myself, so I need other people to point it out to me.
Anyway, thankyou.
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NMorrison [2006-07-15 10:09:18 +0000 UTC]
im on ride #4 and im ganna get my thoughts down real quick before continueing, so i can focus on the story and not think of the things ive noticed. soo so far its pretty good, im holding you to your constructive criticism btw 5 years in art school its all i know how to give anymore, and sometimes i worry it makes me look mean... but whatever, just keep in mind im only trying to be helpful.
ok so at this point, im noticing the word "had" alot, and sometimes "had had" im not any sort of professional writer, but this is really distracting. here is an example "She had missed her bus at first, and had had to wait for another hour"
so i mean, as far as i can tell their is nothing wrong with it, gramaticly. but when you keep getting a repition of one word it might start to ware on some people, and i think had alot of times can be droped. "She missed her bus at first, and had to wait for another hour" and if you wanted to maybe loose that last had "...was forced to wait another hour"
well great news, past the had stuff i just said, its pretty good. my favorite part is when she misses her stop just staring at his head. ive never done anything to that extent while just sitting somewhere thinking, but i can imagine it happening.
its a pretty cute little story, im not ganna lie. in my head it ends up not working out for the "happily ever after" kinda thing. but i suppose you left that open for interpritation
*hums oh my darlin clamintine*
anyways, you should try to get more things up on here.
-N
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
missmidge In reply to NMorrison [2006-07-15 10:27:59 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for your comments. Very helpful. ^^
Yeah, I don't really like the 'had had' thing going on in my story, either. It was annoying to write, too. But I was challenged to write in 'past perfect' tense, so there wasn't really much I could do (unfortunately past perfect requires the 'had had' thing). However, I might change it to good ol' normal past tense later, just because that would make it so much easier to read. ^^
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socialrunaway7 [2006-07-14 09:04:03 +0000 UTC]
I don't know how advanced my critique could be, but I love it. It is incredibly discriptive without overdoing it. The character development is amazing and it has great imagery. Its just...fanstastic.
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missmidge In reply to socialrunaway7 [2006-07-14 09:52:26 +0000 UTC]
Thanks. It's always nice to receive good comments. ^^
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