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mistsofavalon4ever — She Doesn't Talk To Me by-nc-nd
Published: 2009-12-21 04:28:18 +0000 UTC; Views: 682; Favourites: 11; Downloads: 16
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Description I think of her whenever
The mail is shoved under our
Door and my roommate
Throws it at me nonchalantly
(he doesn't have anything
He's waiting for)

I think of her when
The stars come out
Like they did on that
Night

I think of her when
The leaves turn all the
Colors of her hair

I think of her when
Pumpkin cocktails
Are passed around
(she never drank,
But she always had the
Pumpkin pie)
And candy showers from
The white houses
(she was a witch, a mermaid, a fairy, a gypsy, a genie, a flapper, a housewife, the woman from Titanic, a devil, an angel- to me she was
everything)

I think of her when
Snow falls
(she always caught it
In her palms)
When Secret Santa comes
Around
(she never forgot to get me a gift)

I think of her when
I sip coffees with another girl,
I think of her when I kiss
A girl that's
Not her on midnight of
Another year I haven't heard
From her, I think
Of her when the other girl's
Layers come off and I come to
And all I can think when I
Wake and see her bare,
Unfamiliar shoulder is
"You're not her."

She doesn't write.
She doesn't call.
She doesn't think of me at all.
But I think of her.
I think of her, and
I can't stop, even
Though I've
Tried.
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Comments: 23

let--me--out [2010-02-15 21:30:01 +0000 UTC]

" And all I can think when I
Wake and see her bare,
Unfamiliar shoulder is
"You're not her." "

i really love the parallel poems.. such a great idea. it creates this certain connection and the reader feels more closesly related to them both. love this =]

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

mistsofavalon4ever In reply to let--me--out [2010-02-15 21:33:39 +0000 UTC]

Oh, well, that's good.

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let--me--out In reply to mistsofavalon4ever [2010-02-15 21:37:04 +0000 UTC]

definitely lol

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emmiwish [2010-02-14 06:33:44 +0000 UTC]

Amazing...
I especially love the things in the ( ).

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mistsofavalon4ever In reply to emmiwish [2010-02-14 06:36:12 +0000 UTC]

thanks

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namenotrequired [2010-01-29 10:31:41 +0000 UTC]

I really like the flow of this, it really sounds like those are his genuine thoughts... the variations in length and rhythm and rhyme between different stanzas help creating that feeling a lot, as well as the little 'interruptions', 'explanations', as you prefer (let's just say it's so unique i don't even think there's a poetic term for them), like where you say "(she always caught it / In her palms)" and those other things between brackets. They show the thoughts going round in his head very well, and also show how well he knows her, which makes the entire piece come across more naturally. There's a few chances of improvement i'd suggest though;

I think "something" in line 5 would make a lot more sense grammatically if replaced by "anything". And I don't think the addition "...Of the above" (at the end of the fourth stanza) is really needed, it sounds quite formal which doesn't really fit the romantic flow of the rest of the poem. I think it would sound better as "(to me she was all) of those" or, perhaps even better, just remove the "of the above"-part to make it "to me she was it all" or "...she was everything".
Same goes for the addition "that's / Not her" in the 6th stanza, after "when i kiss another girl", i think you can just remove it. Of course another girl is not her, that's pretty much the definition of 'another'. Although it does add a bit of strength to the end of the stanza where you say 'All i can think of (...) is "you're not her"'.
But in the entire 6th stanza, especially after 'another girl that's not you', the flow is a bit confusing, was that intentional? It's quite hard to follow there, I don't really think that's needed because to me the thoughts in the rest of the poem sounded natural and genuine enough.

Then, the ending really finishes it off well for me, the unexpected rhyme at the first few lines of the last stanza are really like a nice surprise, also reminding you that it's a poem. And then the ending is really like a conclusion, which is always a plus... so well done

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mistsofavalon4ever In reply to namenotrequired [2010-01-29 23:35:10 +0000 UTC]

Thanks! I'll look those over. Glad it's "genuine", genuiness(genuity? ) is something I pride myself on.

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namenotrequired In reply to mistsofavalon4ever [2010-01-30 09:57:09 +0000 UTC]

haha i've been wondering about the noun for that adjactive myself Genuinity perhaps?

And it's alright

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Alois-Noette [2010-01-25 02:02:06 +0000 UTC]

'And all I can think when I
Wake and see her bare,
Unfamiliar shoulder is
"You're not her."'

*sigh* I love his devotion. It's adorable I also like the length of each line; it makes each of them seem more significant.

And

'...to me she was all
Of the above'

reminds me of so many things, not the least of which would be the Goddess, and also just the general interconnectivity between everything



This is actually quite amazing.

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mistsofavalon4ever In reply to Alois-Noette [2010-01-25 02:05:37 +0000 UTC]

The story is in 3rd person...the poems are in 1st but that felt more right, I thought about switching POVs from India to Landon but ultimately sided against it in preference of an all-knowing, subtley cheeky narrator (moi).

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Alois-Noette In reply to mistsofavalon4ever [2010-01-25 02:12:21 +0000 UTC]

Yay All-knowing narrators Makes things interesting..

I get the person switching I've done that with a number of my stories, which can be either frustrating or really good for the writing because sometimes it means parts will get written that otherwise wouldn't be 'cause you feel either too attached or too unattached to the characters. Like I've had 3rd person in some of my more romantic scenes of my as-yet-not-finished-or-submitted 3rd part of the Lake Children sort of series, 'cause I've been having weird problems with Morgaine having a relationship with Accolon or not Part of me does not accept that and would rather she would just be celibate or something. Really, Morgaine! Your brother and son are supposedly dead

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mistsofavalon4ever In reply to Alois-Noette [2010-01-25 02:04:17 +0000 UTC]

thank you so much! I'm glad you like the length. I know some found it distracting but I couldn't change it, it just felt right somehow.

When I wrote the "all of the above" thing, I was actually sort of thinking of Mists of Avalon, and how woman embody all four seasons and so many different identities for families, friends, lovers etc.

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Alois-Noette In reply to mistsofavalon4ever [2010-01-25 02:13:24 +0000 UTC]

I get that feeling sometimes too

YAY. I love you.
It makes so much sense!
(And I agree with men also. Somewhat)

MZB must have known what she was taking about

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mistsofavalon4ever In reply to Alois-Noette [2010-01-25 02:16:04 +0000 UTC]

Must've I really wish she was still alive *pouts* If she was, I would so stalk her at book readings and be like I need to interview you I'm a journalist from *insertfabricatednewspapernamehere*

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Alois-Noette In reply to mistsofavalon4ever [2010-01-25 02:19:20 +0000 UTC]

OMIGOD. I agree. I would go and stalk her incessantly. She's probably the author I would most want to have a huge conversation with, annoy/give ideas about making a way huger movie with all the parts of the book, read all the books she would continue to come out with...*sigh* Why does she have to be dead?

Plus, it was a kind of depressing way of dying. She had some heart problem, I think...and it made her writing just before really sad and uninspired (so Diana Paxson had to erase and pick up on it) because she was losing faith in everything. Wrong thing for MZB to do, of all people!

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fiction-freak [2009-12-21 05:36:33 +0000 UTC]

The melancholy of this really tugs at your heart.

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mistsofavalon4ever In reply to fiction-freak [2009-12-21 07:16:52 +0000 UTC]

Thanks

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fiction-freak In reply to mistsofavalon4ever [2009-12-21 09:39:29 +0000 UTC]

Welcome

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CandraKakasya [2009-12-21 04:30:05 +0000 UTC]

I loved it, but the way it is spaced makes it hard to follow.

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mistsofavalon4ever In reply to CandraKakasya [2009-12-21 04:31:15 +0000 UTC]

Thanks! Ok. I'll check it out.

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CandraKakasya In reply to mistsofavalon4ever [2009-12-21 04:31:56 +0000 UTC]

I'm awaiting the second part, so I'll add you to my watch.

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mistsofavalon4ever In reply to CandraKakasya [2009-12-21 04:32:11 +0000 UTC]

Ok. Thanks.

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CandraKakasya In reply to mistsofavalon4ever [2009-12-21 04:33:24 +0000 UTC]

No problem.

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