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Chapter 1- You Booze, You Lose

"You're disgusting," I say to my brother and Helen, making out on the couch. I've learned that if I'm nice to them they'll suspect something. I have a bottle of Bailey's in my duffle bag, so it's best to be my usual snarky self.

Helen pulls away from him, her lips making a suction noise. "Honey," she says condescendingly, tightening her arms around his neck, "maybe you should get your own boyfriend so you don't watch us, okay?"

Jake joins in her laughter, nuzzling her neck. I remember a time when he defended me, but he hasn't it a while, so it doesn't sting. Much.

I roll my eyes and reply with, "Don't flatter yourself. I could hear you from the kitchen, that's all. But you can continue, because I'm going."

"Where?" asks Jake half-heartedly, and once I'm already at the door.

"Ava's," I call back. "Not that you care," I mutter to the elevator once I've shut the door. I think the elevator on our floor knows more about what I think of Jake than Jake himself does.

***

It was Christmas Eve, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

Yeah right.

I had planned the partly list with Ava: small, and just with a few girls I trusted.

Ava's set up the radio to blasting. Luckily the mood's been kept up by the upbeat "All I Want For Christmas." Add that to a bunch of giggling girls passing around Bailey's and spooning peppermint/eggnog ice cream straight from the carton…yeah, it doesn't all equal up to a Silent or a Holy night.

It's my turn, so I fill a shot glass and ruminate, looking up at the ceiling.

"My New Years' Resolution will be…"

"To stop being a stick in the mud!" Ava squeals, her blue eyes manic and bright. I make a mental note to cut her off soon.

"Here, here," said Natalie, a cheerleader that occasionally frequented our dark side.

"Hey, I brought the elixir!" I protest.

"Only a quarter full," Natalie pointed out.

"Whatever. Anyway, my New Years' Resolution IS…to only cut on assemblies." I raise the glass, but before I can down it Sarah, one of the many repressed Mormon girls at my school, raises her hand. "Stop! Stop in the name of the law!"

"Hey, why do I have to be the legal one here? There's no need for a driver, we're not going anywhere."

"No, not that! Just…is it really realistic? What about homeroom? And art?"

"Well, homeroom…yeah. Not going to sit through that. But I kind of like art. You can do whatever you want," I say defensively.

"Yeah, everything but not being in school," Sarah persists.

"Fine. Revised resolution: Will not skip except for assemblies, homeroom, and stupid electives where no one takes attendance anyway."

I tilt my head and feel it settle like warm honey in my stomach. Everyone claps.

Snickers the cat(the only member of the Carter family that Ava actually likes) whacks a shiny globe on the Christmas tree. It rolls across the floor. Ava picks it up and stares at her stretched face.

"Looking into a crystal ball?" I ask.

"I'm so…I'm so…not pretty!" Ava wails, bursting into tears. Remind me again why I brought alcohol? Everyone groans, because honestly, if Ava's not pretty there's not much hope for the rest of us. Her floaty, wispy blonde hair falls around her delicate, rosy face like a cape. She's only five feet tall with a tiny body and big boobs, and I swear both of her legs would equal one of mine. But I know(even though they don't) that to Ava "I'm not pretty" just means "I hate my life and I don't know what to do about it."

"Avie," I console, wrapping up her shuddering body with my sweater, "come on, sweetie, let's just go for a walk."

I mouth "boy trouble" at my almost-friends and they nod understandingly.

"Well, we're gonna watch 'Bridget Jones' and such holiday romances," Natalie says brightly. "We'll save some of the caramel popcorn for you guys."

I pull on my winter coat. A hiccupping Ava follows me out into the night.

***

The roads are slick with ice, so we pad through the grassy shoulder. All lights are off because the children are pretending to sleep. Well, all except for the lit Nativity scenes and the fairy lights that adorn gates and roofs.

It's magical now, but when the snow clears, the graffiti on the sidewalk will be visible, the garbage will be soaking, miniature glass liquor bottles will be cracked, and singed, used firecrackers will get stuck in the drainage. Same as last year, same as every year.

Suddenly, Ava stops in her tracks and looks around. "I need him," she whines.

"Who?" I ask, hoping my patience with her masks my fear.

"Zane. I told him to meet us here. Please don't get mad."

A group of guys appear around the corner. They're so out of place here, I can hear them cussing from over here. They're dirtying the newly fallen snow and innocent dreams. Zane is at the head, a beanie pulled over his golden curls. I'm not mad, I'm scared. But I'll probably be furious later.

"Zane!" Ava squeals, running over to snuggle herself in his unzipped("Oooh, I'm so tough, so oblivious to the cold) leather jacket.

His friends begin to crowd me, "You didn't say your girlfriend was bringing a friend," one croons, lighting a bong and leering.

Normally when faced with guys I treat them like a catalog. I circle the clothes I want, even though I know I'll probably never be able to afford them. But these guys were not a catalog of clothes, they were a catalog of my nightmares.

"Hi," I say stiffly, crossing my arms over my chest.

Zane's already managed to extricate Ava from his chest. She follows him back to his friends like a faithful puppy.

"This is boring," he complains, and passes the guy who talked to me a box of matches. I step away out of their circle when he promptly grins, gets something out of his pocket, and lights it.

It spins three times before shooting down the street into sparks. They all nearly keel over from laughing, and Ava merely looks at Zane with wide, disbelieving eyes.

"Oh man," says Zane, "that almost hit a car! That would've been AWESOME!"

"Time to go," I whisper, dragging Avie with me back home. Or, her home, in any case.

"But…"

Another firecracker shoots past, missing us by inches.

"Oh my God," she chokes out. "They must have not seen us, right? That was an accident."

***

I walk home with my arm around her shoulders, keeping her warm, blowing into her hands.

"Iris?"

"Mmmm?"

"I took ten pills before the party."

"What?!"

Her head is doing little spasms. I spin her around and put my head to her forehead. Cool and clammy. Not a good sign.

"I don't…feel…"

She pushes away from me and kneels at the side of the road, Bailey's and pills spilling out of her mouth.

"I'm sorry. It's all my fault. I'm so sorry…I should never have let you take any of that. Okay, let's be quick and get you home so you can throw up in the bathroom, not here…I'll take care of you now. I promise."

She smiles, wipes her mouth, and rubs the rest of the ick off on the snow, and holds out a hand to me. She's so trusting it almost kills me.

***

"Guys suck," Avie proclaims once I've tucked her into a blanket on the couch with a nice hot mug of herbal tea.

"But Colin Firth doesn't suck," Sarah points out, drinking the remaining Bailey's with her hot chocolate.

Ava looks at Mark Darcy on the screen in his dorky sweater at a holiday party, awkwardly meeting Bridget Jones.

"No. He's a sweetie," Ava agrees. "You know what, I'm glad my parents ditched me to go to Whistler over Winter Break. I hate skiing anyway and I haven't had this much fun on Christmas Eve in ages, so they can just-"

"Christmas," Natalie says, gesturing to the time of 1 AM.

"Whatever. But I love you guys," she says sleepily. "And I love you, Iris. What did I ever do to deserve you?"

I look at her. She's so delicate and shattered. Under the huge blanket she looks like a child wearing too much eyeliner.

"You were born. And you decided to be my friend. That's enough for me."

Description
Chapter 1- You Booze, You Lose

"You're disgusting," I say to my brother and Helen, making out on the couch. I've learned that if I'm nice to them they'll suspect something. I have a bottle of Bailey's in my duffle bag, so it's best to be my usual snarky self.

Helen pulls away from him, her lips making a suction noise. "Honey," she says condescendingly, tightening her arms around his neck, "maybe you should get your own boyfriend so you don't watch us, okay?"

Jake joins in her laughter, nuzzling her neck. I remember a time when he defended me, but he hasn't it a while, so it doesn't sting. Much.

I roll my eyes and reply with, "Don't flatter yourself. I could hear you from the kitchen, that's all. But you can continue, because I'm going."

"Where?" asks Jake half-heartedly, and once I'm already at the door.

"Ava's," I call back. "Not that you care," I mutter to the elevator once I've shut the door. I think the elevator on our floor knows more about what I think of Jake than Jake himself does.

***

It was Christmas Eve, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

Yeah right.

I had planned the partly list with Ava: small, and just with a few girls I trusted.

Ava's set up the radio to blasting. Luckily the mood's been kept up by the upbeat "All I Want For Christmas." Add that to a bunch of giggling girls passing around Bailey's and spooning peppermint/eggnog ice cream straight from the carton…yeah, it doesn't all equal up to a Silent or a Holy night.

It's my turn, so I fill a shot glass and ruminate, looking up at the ceiling.

"My New Years' Resolution will be…"

"To stop being a stick in the mud!" Ava squeals, her blue eyes manic and bright. I make a mental note to cut her off soon.

"Here, here," said Natalie, a cheerleader that occasionally frequented our dark side.

"Hey, I brought the elixir!" I protest.

"Only a quarter full," Natalie pointed out.

"Whatever. Anyway, my New Years' Resolution IS…to only cut on assemblies." I raise the glass, but before I can down it Sarah, one of the many repressed Mormon girls at my school, raises her hand. "Stop! Stop in the name of the law!"

"Hey, why do I have to be the legal one here? There's no need for a driver, we're not going anywhere."

"No, not that! Just…is it really realistic? What about homeroom? And art?"

"Well, homeroom…yeah. Not going to sit through that. But I kind of like art. You can do whatever you want," I say defensively.

"Yeah, everything but not being in school," Sarah persists.

"Fine. Revised resolution: Will not skip except for assemblies, homeroom, and stupid electives where no one takes attendance anyway."

I tilt my head and feel it settle like warm honey in my stomach. Everyone claps.

Snickers the cat(the only member of the Carter family that Ava actually likes) whacks a shiny globe on the Christmas tree. It rolls across the floor. Ava picks it up and stares at her stretched face.

"Looking into a crystal ball?" I ask.

"I'm so…I'm so…not pretty!" Ava wails, bursting into tears. Remind me again why I brought alcohol? Everyone groans, because honestly, if Ava's not pretty there's not much hope for the rest of us. Her floaty, wispy blonde hair falls around her delicate, rosy face like a cape. She's only five feet tall with a tiny body and big boobs, and I swear both of her legs would equal one of mine. But I know(even though they don't) that to Ava "I'm not pretty" just means "I hate my life and I don't know what to do about it."

"Avie," I console, wrapping up her shuddering body with my sweater, "come on, sweetie, let's just go for a walk."

I mouth "boy trouble" at my almost-friends and they nod understandingly.

"Well, we're gonna watch 'Bridget Jones' and such holiday romances," Natalie says brightly. "We'll save some of the caramel popcorn for you guys."

I pull on my winter coat. A hiccupping Ava follows me out into the night.

***

The roads are slick with ice, so we pad through the grassy shoulder. All lights are off because the children are pretending to sleep. Well, all except for the lit Nativity scenes and the fairy lights that adorn gates and roofs.

It's magical now, but when the snow clears, the graffiti on the sidewalk will be visible, the garbage will be soaking, miniature glass liquor bottles will be cracked, and singed, used firecrackers will get stuck in the drainage. Same as last year, same as every year.

Suddenly, Ava stops in her tracks and looks around. "I need him," she whines.

"Who?" I ask, hoping my patience with her masks my fear.

"Zane. I told him to meet us here. Please don't get mad."

A group of guys appear around the corner. They're so out of place here, I can hear them cussing from over here. They're dirtying the newly fallen snow and innocent dreams. Zane is at the head, a beanie pulled over his golden curls. I'm not mad, I'm scared. But I'll probably be furious later.

"Zane!" Ava squeals, running over to snuggle herself in his unzipped("Oooh, I'm so tough, so oblivious to the cold) leather jacket.

His friends begin to crowd me, "You didn't say your girlfriend was bringing a friend," one croons, lighting a bong and leering.

Normally when faced with guys I treat them like a catalog. I circle the clothes I want, even though I know I'll probably never be able to afford them. But these guys were not a catalog of clothes, they were a catalog of my nightmares.

"Hi," I say stiffly, crossing my arms over my chest.

Zane's already managed to extricate Ava from his chest. She follows him back to his friends like a faithful puppy.

"This is boring," he complains, and passes the guy who talked to me a box of matches. I step away out of their circle when he promptly grins, gets something out of his pocket, and lights it.

It spins three times before shooting down the street into sparks. They all nearly keel over from laughing, and Ava merely looks at Zane with wide, disbelieving eyes.

"Oh man," says Zane, "that almost hit a car! That would've been AWESOME!"

"Time to go," I whisper, dragging Avie with me back home. Or, her home, in any case.

"But…"

Another firecracker shoots past, missing us by inches.

"Oh my God," she chokes out. "They must have not seen us, right? That was an accident."

***

I walk home with my arm around her shoulders, keeping her warm, blowing into her hands.

"Iris?"

"Mmmm?"

"I took ten pills before the party."

"What?!"

Her head is doing little spasms. I spin her around and put my head to her forehead. Cool and clammy. Not a good sign.

"I don't…feel…"

She pushes away from me and kneels at the side of the road, Bailey's and pills spilling out of her mouth.

"I'm sorry. It's all my fault. I'm so sorry…I should never have let you take any of that. Okay, let's be quick and get you home so you can throw up in the bathroom, not here…I'll take care of you now. I promise."

She smiles, wipes her mouth, and rubs the rest of the ick off on the snow, and holds out a hand to me. She's so trusting it almost kills me.

***

"Guys suck," Avie proclaims once I've tucked her into a blanket on the couch with a nice hot mug of herbal tea.

"But Colin Firth doesn't suck," Sarah points out, drinking the remaining Bailey's with her hot chocolate.

Ava looks at Mark Darcy on the screen in his dorky sweater at a holiday party, awkwardly meeting Bridget Jones.

"No. He's a sweetie," Ava agrees. "You know what, I'm glad my parents ditched me to go to Whistler over Winter Break. I hate skiing anyway and I haven't had this much fun on Christmas Eve in ages, so they can just-"

"Christmas," Natalie says, gesturing to the time of 1 AM.

"Whatever. But I love you guys," she says sleepily. "And I love you, Iris. What did I ever do to deserve you?"

I look at her. She's so delicate and shattered. Under the huge blanket she looks like a child wearing too much eyeliner.

"You were born. And you decided to be my friend. That's enough for me."