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Nymphas — Child
Published: 2004-06-26 08:07:44 +0000 UTC; Views: 286; Favourites: 6; Downloads: 18
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Description
Laugh at the cloud.Pick a partner,
And spin around.
Dance with the crowd.
The rain's getting harder.
Call up the spirits.
And dance in a circle.
All the fires are lit,
The sky's turning purple.
Wait! What's wrong!
Something's going on.
A child in the middle,
A burdon of fear.
If we wanted a sacrifice,
We wouldn't be here.
A child to enter thy mind.
A child! Not even my kind.
Great power in this little one.
Too much, for I cannot see.
Pick him up, let's have some fun.
Quiet him now, dont let him scream.
Chorus.
"I am Nexus child, what name did your parents give thee?"
"The question you ask, I cannot answer, for Nymphas I may well be.
My talent grows stronger,
I searched for the best.
I look for my father,
Will you seek him at my behest?"
His eyes were ablaze with a fiery glow,
A question to which, you could not say no.
Chorus.
Yes! We've found him, at last it's time!
We had to wait till the stars were alaigned.
Ohh my! What fun!
A sorcerers son,
Yet daughter to the crone.
On their faces, a smile,
"We'll wait a while,
To tell him what we now know.
Now let us get on with the show."
Chorus.
Ages have passed,
So long ago.
For the questions I asked.
I will never know.
A man I meet just passing by.
A reflection of me I spy.
A notion I see,
What can never be,
For he almost looks younger than me.
Chorus.
Back then, they knew, what he should never know.
The sorcerer never grows old.
Now, as they go, their story is told.
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Comments: 29
I love this! It has got a very pagan/celtic quality to it that you cannot find anywhere!
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Thanks, this is one of the ones that I did after a few of my older ones got stolen. I'm glad you liked it.
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I think the first stanza of this is definetly the best. It's upbeat, you have some good imagery. I notice that this stanza is in third person. The rest of the poem is in first. I don't think first person is as effective in this case as third is. I notice that there's alot of rhyming going on in this poem. That's all well and good, but remember, the words are far more important then the rhyme. At some place you word things akwardly, I'm guessing for the sake of rhyme. Examples: "A question to which, you could not say no." "A reflection of me I spy." "A notion I see." It's better to stay within realms of the way people normally speak. Also, many of your rhymes are simple and overused. I like the story in this, but I think you can use more imagery to illustrate it. Draw the reader in with conversational, direct, imagery. I recommend leaving out words like "thee" and "thy", simply because the rest of the poem uses the more modern pronouns. It's best to go one way or the other. You do not need to capitalize the beginning of every line, simply the beginning of lines that are part of a new "sentence." Same with punctuation, you don't need to punctuate every line. Spelling errors: burdon= burden, alaigned= aligned, and ohh=oh. I recommend reading this, it's very helpful: [link]
Good luck
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Wow, very proper. ummm... Thanks. I dont know how you talk, but I usually talk like that. {L} Fading in and out of archiac speech, it annoys some of my friends true, but, I guess I just read too many books.
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Hahaha you can never read too many books.
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Belive me. You can. If you read continously through day and night, It's too much.
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True. But then only because you're not getting sleep, food, or in extreme cases, oxygen. Just don't forget to breath
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I'm insulted!! I never forget to breathe!
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I do... so, what exactly are you reading nowadays? I'm currently in Ray Bradbury's From the Dust Returned
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Currently? I'm into Piers Anthony, and Orson Scott Card. But I'm entranced by V. C. Andrews. She has great work.
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I meant what are you reading book wise 
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I tried! I swear! {see, fuck damn shit}
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Hahaha. Wow. This conversation would be easier if deviant art comments actually showed up. Stupid comments.
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I know.. I have to go through about three different things to see what u wrote. Then again, we could be writing notes. . .
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True. Or even better, we could talk through a messanger service. I have aim and yahoo. If you have a name in either of those you could note me and we can exchange 
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Compared to the other one, from the first few lines I got images of linedancing
Length I don't think is really an issue, but sometimes you can get the message across in a few well-chosen words. Perhaps not have the chorus so often, instead just have a break in the song, where it trails into a solo or something. But then I'm not a lyricist, so don't go by me
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Any critisism is better than none. I know, I just liked that chorus a little too much. Heheh, thanks for the comment.
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heheh, I do stuff like that too, I would change it, but that would take a lot of typing that wasn't just thoughts of the moment.
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1st stanza--After 'Call up the spirits': should that be a comma since the next line begins with 'And'?
2nd stanza--'What's wrong' would end in a ? unless you're going for the ! effect. Also, 'burden', not 'burdon'.
Chorus--after 'A question to which', there would be no comma.
Not really a big deal, it's just smoother that way.
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I have no idea what kind of music, I just thought that it would make a good song. If I had to choose, then I would pick filk.. But I have seen some poems that are a lot longer than this..
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What kind of music do you imagine this to? It's very well written, and yes, it may be a bit long, but whatever.
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i like the feel of it. it very well could be some sort of ballad song. it has that kind of feel to it.
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Lol, Nice! It feels like and epic poem or an opera... a musical! ^^ Great work, it really sets a scene and the writting and flow are good.
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I think that it was a little too long for a song. Ohh well.
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