LiliWrites [2012-02-05 22:41:45 +0000 UTC]

Overall

Vision

Originality

Technique

Impact

Hi! e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s… " width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Smile)"/>

Here from a.deviantart.net/avatars/c/r/c… " alt=" " title="Critique-It"/> to leave a couple thoughts. Keep in mind they are just suggestions and you should use or discard them as you see fit. Disclaimer done! Let's dive in.

e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b… " width="10" height="10" alt="" title="Bullet; Purple"/> General Impressions

e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p… " width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> I like the premise. Superhero stories are always a lot of fun. The introduction was well done because the costume made me wonder what Matthew was up to, and so I just had to keep reading. Good job!
e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p… " width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> The fact that there's a magical element with shape-shifters is also promising. That's an aspect of fantasy literature that can either be handled beautifully or go horribly awry. I think as long as you don't have too many shape shifters and the explanation behind how/why shape shifting exists is adequate, it will be a good tactic for your piece.
e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p… " width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> I think some of this is rushed. I read it through the first time quite quickly and found I had to go back and re-read to grasp a few details, and there are some details that are just plain missing (though they may be added into later chapters).
e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p… " width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> Your dialogue, for the most part, is good. You've got a few little grammar issues in it that I'll point out later. The other issue I see is some dialogue tags that are either not needed or inadequate for the speech being used. I'll address those in the line-by-line as well.

e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b… " width="10" height="10" alt="" title="Bullet; Purple"/> Line-By-Line
The light from the laboratory blinded Matthew as he peeled off his mask. Pulling [I think that should be “pushing” unless the hair is actually growing out of his eyes] his shaggy hair from his eyes, he wiped the sweat from his forehead. "Are you sure we can't find another material to make my costume…" he panted. [Here’s a dialogue tag that feels off. Try something like: “…to make my costume?” he asked, panting.]

"That's the only material that is strong enough to protect you. I've told you before Matt[.]" Alex, Matthew's assistant, pushed his thin framed glasses up onto his nose.

"I know, it's just blistering in here," Matthew explained as he stepped out from his 'Blue Eagle' costume and slid it carelessly along the floor.

"There's nothing-," [good!]

"-you can do about it. I know." [H]e sighed and glanced sideways at the blaring [why is the TV blaring while they are talking?] television. His face was plastered across the screen, the headline 'The Blue Eagle Catches The Thief Red Handed' aligned beneath his picture. As miserable as being trapped behind the suit made him after even the quickest round up of criminals, every time he saw his nickname in the news, he felt part of that disappear. Little did they know that despite thanking the man behind the suit, the city was also thanking him; Matthew Blunt. His own person. [I’m not sure what important “his own person” has here. What does Matthew have to prove?]

Alex interrupted Matthew's thoughts, "We got some news today."

"Oh yeah?" Matthew raised his eyebrow[.] "Are you going to tell me what it is, or make me guess?"

"Hmm," Alex tapped his chin, "I think I'll make you guess," the corners of his mouth curled up, forming a sly grin.

"You can let me guess…you know I'll work it out," Matthew stammered [‘stammered’ is awkward here since Matthew’s speech implies confidence, but stammered is general associated with shyness or self-consciousness.] as he studied Alex's face. Alex had a troubled expression [why did Alex’s expression change suddenly from a sly grin to troubled? I thought he was being sly?], his hands were shaking, and his thumbs were linked like chains. Perhaps this was a coincidence? Matthew thought not; it was something that Alex's mind was subconsciously telling him to do. He had several paper cuts on his hands, meaning he'd been searching for the files [what files?] for a while…this had to mean it was something to do with a case a while back. Matthew paired two and two together easily, "Chain's back in town."

Alex's eyes widened in disbelief, "You just keep getting better and better. How do you do it?" He stopped himself and shook his head, "You won't tell me, will you?"

"I'm afraid not," Matthew gave him a knowing look.

Alex relaxed and perched back on a table[.] "Questions?"

"Do we know where he is?"

"Not at the moment, which-"

"-is where I come in. You want me to track him down, then what?"

"I wish you'd stop finishing my sentences," Alex sighed.

"Sorry, force of habit[.]"

"Fine." Alex continued, "Well, once we've pinned down his location, we can keep track of him; see if he's up to anything rather dodgy. You know the sort?"

" I know exactly the sort." Matthew ran his hand through the substantial mass of hair covering his head, "Who's accompanying me, or am I 'riding solo'?" Matthew made quotation marks with his fingers.

"This is one task you'll be completing on your own, Matt."

"Good; we can't have them [who? The cops?] messing my work up…not again," Matthew said[.] "Right, I'm going home[.]" [H]e sprang from his chair and picked up his 'Blue Eagle' costume. Shoving it into his bag, he began to speak, [For better flow, I’d reword that to: He shoved it into is bag and asked,] "Where do you want me to start searching?"

"No clue. Just take it in your stride and if you find anything interesting, report it back to me."

"How long are you staying here?"

"I'm going to stay over, I need to do some research for you; find out the most likely places Chain will be hidden," Alex leaned back in his chair, "That was a pretty quick visit, even at your standards. Are you not staying longer?" [I thought he wanted him to get to work finding Chain??]

"I'll see you tomorrow afternoon; I've got work in the morning." Matthew dismissed Alex's question.

"Alright, see you then." [This exchange made me wonder who is the boss in this situation. Generally, the hero is in charge and has a side-kick of some sort. Are you reversing that scenario?]

Matthew closed the door behind him as he stepped out into the light. He pulled his long jacket tighter around his chest and looked to the floor [the floor? Is he still inside?]. As he did so, he spotted a vivid butterfly flying in front of his face[.] "Papilio," Matthew muttered under his breath, "What are you doing here?"

Instantly, the butterfly began to glow and Matthew looked away to shade his eyes. As the light dimmed, he looked back to find a beautiful seventeen year old that stood in the butterfly's place. "Matthew," she smiled, "I thought I'd find you here."

"What are you doing here, Papilio?"

"I came to inform you[.]"

"Inform me?" Matthew raised his eyebrow, "About what, exactly?"

"The local police have requested your identity, again[.]"

"What…?" Matthew raised a hand[.] "I won't help them, not again…"

"Of course, I wouldn't expect anything less[.]" Papilio nodded in agreement[.] "I'm off to bring the new information to Alex," Papilio nodded, [she is nodding a lot. I’d strike that one out.] "We needn't have them poking into our business."

Before Mathew could get another word in, Papilio vanished, leaving him standing on a desolate road. [He was just looking at the floor. Did they walk somewhere?] Matthew understood the basic skills of shape shifters. They could change into any animal, use their abilities, and such. [and such? What specifically does that refer to?] With Papilio however, she used it to be the innocent little insect spy; her butterfly persona was the most common form she took. Easy to stay hidden. No matter how much Matthew knew, or how many times he'd watched shape shifters transform, it always surprised him how beautiful it looked.

"Shape shifters[.]" Matthew rolled his eyes and stuck his hands into his coat pocket. The week ahead of him was bound to be hard, for Matthew knew only too well that life as a so called 'superhero' and private investigator wasn't always as it seemed. [The sudden shift from talking about Papilio’s abilities to Matthew’s super-hero status is awkward. We need a transition of some sort for him to be thinking about the week ahead.]

e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b… " width="10" height="10" alt="" title="Bullet; Purple"/> Wrap Up
e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p… " width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> I think you'd do well to read this punctuation guide by =Luna--Rose as it helps clarify when to use commas, periods, etc in dialogue.
e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p… " width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> You also need to work on making the flow of time more fluid. Adding in small details about where a character is physically from moment to moment is a good way to do this. Also, cutting out repetitive details helps.
e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p… " width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> Keep developing the fantasy elements, and let us know why Chain is so dubious within the next installment to keep the story flowing well. We're going to want a main conflict quite soon. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s… " width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Smile)"/>

I hope this is helpful and not too overwhelming. And disregard the star ratings, please. I give everyone the same because they're unreliable for literature.

Thanks for using #Critique-It !
e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h… " width="15" height="13" alt="" title="Heart"/> Lili

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Elsie-Black [2012-02-02 11:33:12 +0000 UTC]

Overall

Vision

Originality

Technique

Impact

This is a very good first chapter! It introduces the two main characters nicely, and the reader gets a fairly good insight into their characters and personality. Grammatically there were a few errors - at the end of spoken sentences I've noticed you tend not to put full stops (or periods, depending on where you are ^^) For example, "Sorry, force of habit," That there is a complete sentence, and as such deserves a punctuation mark other than a comma at its end.

The only other grammatical error that really stood out to me was in the last sentence, "For Matthew knew only too well that, life as a so-called 'superhero'..." That comma there is unnecessary and stilts the sentence slightly by inserting a pause where there isn't one needed.

In other notes I like the inclusion of shape shifters - that I wasn't expecting! On the other hand at some point you might want to make the powers of your shape shifters clear. Obviously there's metamorphosis which, I assume given Papilio's name, applies from human to one type of creature. On the other hand, you also said that Papilio vanished - is teleportation one of their powers as well? To avoid confusion you might want to put that in.

Overall I like this as an introduction. Length-wise it was perfect; long enough to include all the necessary points but short enough that it holds the reader's interest for the whole time. Your characters seem very well balanced, although Papilio (from what I've seen of her in this chapter) as a beautiful seventeen year old shape shifter could be problematic unless you make clear what her flaws are. Good luck with the rest of this story - if you've started as you mean to go on, it should be very good.

Well done!

~Elsie

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

CarmendeeDragons [2012-04-12 14:33:58 +0000 UTC]

not bad, not bad at all. there are some small cosmetic type things, but those are usually... like personal preference type issues. Not, I suppose, things that would be real for most people. good job * gold star*

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

parachute-tonight [2012-03-08 09:36:41 +0000 UTC]

I stumbled across this in the #Critique-It folder! Even though I'm not a member, I'd like to offer my two-cents worth, especially since you want feedback. What follows is just personal opinion and tips (some of them are targeted more to prose/novel-writing as a whole rather than just this chapter. general feedback, so to speak), don't feel obliged to agree with them or implement my suggestions. I'm sorry if I seem harsh. :C I just want to help! On to the critique! (By the way, since you have quite a few critiques already , I'll try not to repeat whatever's been mentioned.)

I'll just be spewing my general thoughts about this and a little in-depth bit about introductions, because I think great chapter and novel introductions will help and I'm dying to share a few great pieces of literature!



General Thoughts

I'm intrigued by your characters - particularly shape-shifter girl, mysterious! I think your characters could be developed more through their thoughts and actions (like when Matthew was trying to figure out the news). You're focusing a lot on Dialogue and doing quite well, I must say, but give Narrative her chance to shineee! And hmm, I sense some romance brewing. I also like how Chain - probably the "Conflict" - is introduced early in the story.

For dialogue, like I said, there's quite a bit. I'd like to see more doing than talking/action. Perhaps you could try cutting down on your dialogue? I'd suggest going through each line of dialogue and asking yourself why it is there and how it builds to the story. Also, some of the dialogue can just be expressed through the character's thoughts or actions.

For example: "I wish you'd stop finishing my sentences," Alex sighed. Expressing it, to me, seems a bit awkward and unnatural, perhaps keeping it in his thoughts would work better?

I think this [link] is a great example of the characterization dialogue can create and I think you're well on your way to doing so. (:

Last but not least, nitpicking: it's quite hard to read and see your paragraphs without any spaces in between. It's probably just a case of preference but I thought I'd bring it up.



Introduction

Your current introduction is quite well done. The costume, the sweaty state of Matthew, prompts me to wonder who he is which is answered soon after. I can see more room for improvement though, and personally, I think an introduction is crucial, especially for novels (which is why I mention this in my critique). You need to convince readers that your story is engaging and that the time they spend reading thousands of words will be worth it. (:

I'd like you to read the introductions of the literary works that I've quoted below (and if you're curiosity-drunk from the first few lines, please please do dash off and read 'em, well worth your time, I tell you! )

- "I was halfway down the second floor apartment stairs when I realized I'd left my left arm on the table."
Recycled Dreams by =SilverInkblot
- "Icarus— / there is a rumour that your father killed you,"
The Rumour of Icarus by ~Opus-T
- "I have a fear of my own heart. I don't even care if it breaks. "
emotions are for minds by *Solaces
- "He hung a teaspoon / on the door instead / of a hat, fed us mud / instead of porridge. "
Father Icarus by ~Tigermoth99

So, I hope you have four tabs of the delightful stories, above-mentioned, opened! You should have been intrigued and hooked up with them right after you read their introductions. That's what makes them delightfully wonderful beginnings!

Imagine introductions as models, they should immediately catch the eye of the judges and audience, and make a lasting impression. Your introductions should do the same thing - keep readers intrigued and reading.

How do you do that?

This is where we go back to the above examples. To grab your attention, they stated something startling (how can you forget an arm? did it fall off? / why does the narrator fear her heart and have such disregard for it?) or haunting (why would a father kill his son?). Father Icarus even introduced us to an intriguing character and we anticipate finding out more about him. Your introductions should aim to keep readers asking questions who what where when why how or even more in-depth questions so they will continue reading to find answers.

=angelStained 's articles serve as further reading! [link] [link]



I hope that helped! I'll try to read your next chapter when I have the time (or maybe now ). If you have any queries, just ask and do note me if you do any revisions.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

angeljunkie [2012-02-05 18:35:11 +0000 UTC]

Okay - this is going to look like a massive comment, but most of it is punctuation corrections. You should definitely go through and review your comma usage because there are a lot of places you use them where they aren't needed. I think this is a good start. The characters are interesting and engaging enough that I want to keep reading and find out more about them. You also start off with a nice bit of tension with the introduction of Chain. I would like a bit more description in the narrative and around the dialogue. The speech itself is fine, but the characters fall into a bit of the talking-heads syndrome and the action they are given sounds a little false (like when Papilio nods after every sentence). You can use the gaps between speech as an opportunity to get further into Matthew's heads, maybe demonstrate his observational abilities a bit more, or give the characters something to do. What is Alex doing while Matthew is getting out of his costume, for example? I think this is a good start, though.

Hope this helps!

Grammar Stuffs
(I've also made some word-cut suggestions)

"Are you sure we can't find another material to make my costume[?]” he panted.

“I've told you before[,] Matt[.]"

"I know, [I]t's just blistering in here[.]" Matthew explained as he stepped out from his 'Blue Eagle' costume and slid it carelessly along the floor.

’carelessly along the floor’ is odd. Is he dragging it along the floor, or just letting it drop?

"There's nothing-," comma isn’t needed here

"-[Y]ou can do about it. I know." [H]e sighed and glanced sideways at the blaring television.

Alex interrupted Matthew's thoughts, "We got some news today."

"You can let me guess… [Y]ou know I'll work it out[.]" Matthew stammered as he studied Alex's face.
Matthew paired two and two together easily[.] "Chain's back in town."

Alex's eyes widened in disbelief[.] "You just keep getting better and better. How do you do it?" He stopped himself and shook his head[.] "You won't tell me, will you?"

"I'm afraid not[.]" Matthew gave him a knowing look.

Alex relaxed and perched back on a table[.] "Questions?"

"Sorry, force of habit[.]"

"Fine." Alex continued, "Well, once we've pinned down his location, we can keep track of him; see if he's up to anything rather dodgy. You know the sort?"
The interjection here is a little unnecessary. If you want to break up the two statements, I think you should elaborate with a bit more action.

" I know exactly the sort."
extra space at the beginning of the sentence

Matthew ran his hand through the substantial mass of hair covering his head[.] "Who's accompanying me, or am I 'riding solo'?" Matthew made quotation marks with his fingers.

"Good; we can't have them messing my work up[. N]ot again," Matthew said[.] "Right, I'm going home[.” H]e sprang from his chair and picked up his 'Blue Eagle' costume[, S]hoving it into his bag[.] he began to speak, "Where do you want me to start searching?"

"I'm going to stay over, I need to do some research for you[,] find out the most likely places Chain will be hidden[.]" Alex leaned back in his chair[.] "That was a pretty quick visit, even at your standards. Are you not staying longer?"

Matthew closed the door behind him as he stepped out into the light. He pulled his long jacket tighter around his chest and looked to the floor. As he did so, he spotted a vivid butterfly flying in front of his face[.] "Papilio," Matthew muttered under his breath[.] "What are you doing here?"

"Matthew[.” S]he smiled[.] "I thought I'd find you here."

"I came to inform you[.]"

Matthew raised his eyebrow[.] "About what, exactly?"

"The local police have requested your identity, again[.]"

"What…?" Matthew raised a hand[.] "I won't help them, not again…"

"Of course, I wouldn't expect anything less[.]" Papilio nodded in agreement[.] "I'm off to bring the new information to Alex[.]" Papilio nodded[.] "We needn't have them poking into our business."

The nodding in between her dialogue is a little repetitive.

👍: 0 ⏩: 2

Charlene-Art [2012-02-05 13:52:09 +0000 UTC]

First of all, as a piece I’m reading off the internet, I’d personally prefer if the paragraphs had a line between them to make it easier to read but that’s a personal preference.

Matthew strikes me as a Sherlock Holmes type of character . Your dialogue was fine and so was your use of language and flow

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

SilverWerewolf09 [2012-02-05 08:54:06 +0000 UTC]

This critique is being written as a general response, but also to answer your two questions below in the comments.

----------------------------------------------------------

When the other commenter mentioned dropping into the middle of the world, what they mean is the chapter is an example of In Medias Res. In this case, you bring the reader into the story at a certain point after the true beginning. If you've played Bioshock before, that was also an In Medias Res story, with the first act told through the audio recordings while you played the second act.

However, in the case of the story you present here, we are brought into the story once it has begun, but we do not have much context for it. (I did read the Prologue to check if anything was mentioned, since I'm doing the same with my own story. The details below can apply there as well.)

How does Matthew know Alex? What did Chain do to Matthew, or others? Who is Papilio? Without some establishment of the world or important characters early on, it feels like you're not being told crucial details. To use a game example again, Final Fantasy 13 dropped you into its story halfway through and left out many crucial details for the conflicts and characters. That removed a lot of the emotional impact of the story, even after you discovered what the characters were about by reading the encyclopedia.

The easiest way to solve this is adding a bit of prose where it can be used to flesh out the story without having to use info dumps. For example, when you mention Blue Eagle in the third paragraph, since that's a superhero nickname...

"As miserable as the suit made him after even the quickest round up of criminals-of-the-week however, every time he saw his nickname in the news, he felt part of that vanish. The city was thanking him, despite his costume and his human status."

Prose like that informs the reader indirectly that this is a superhero you're talking about. Criminals, city news, ect. All of that gives clues. The same can be said of the point when Papilio comes in...

"Matthew understood only the 'basics' of shapeshifters. They could change into any animal, use their abilities, and such. With Papilio however, she used it to be the innocent little insect spy; on him and many others."

-------------------------------------------------------------

When I was reading over the chapter the first time, my mental image of the story was more anime based than superhero as I discovered at the end. I think the dialogue was the main reason I had this perception, along with the lack of speech tags at points. In most anime, the actors do not animate, but in comics, the actors often move around or make gestures.

As a corelary to the above points, try adding more prose between or after certain sections of speech to detail movements, thoughts, ect. At the same time, don't neglect the use of 'XXX said' as a simple speech tag. It may sound repetitive in writing, but it does a quick job of pointing out the speaker in practice.

In terms of flow, the progression felt similar to an episode of Justice League or NCIS in many ways. Slow, but in its own way helping to build the start of something.

Overall, this was a fun, quick read. Some tweaks in prose and world building/characterization are indeed needed here to set the story though.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Xemnas666 [2012-02-03 00:15:33 +0000 UTC]

The dialogue flows well enough but to be honest it feels like you've dropped us into the middle of the world with no prior context I'm assuming your establishing something for later. This just happens to feel more like a comic book's script, like there are visuals that are missing. Other than that I feel like this is a well written and solid story.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Elsie-Black [2012-02-02 16:19:29 +0000 UTC]

Reply to your critique (I lack Premium Membership XD):

It's my pleasure. As for flaws they needn't be anything big - essentially anything that stops her from being perfect. Perhaps she's rather selfish, perhaps she has errors of judgement. She might be a pathological liar, or maybe she's a budding alcoholic? Perhaps she's too much of a flirt, or maybe she's very judgemental. Anything personality-wise (or even physically - is she asthmatic? Does she have allergies that affect her everyday life?), that normalises her.

You're very welcome.

~Elsie

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Squeakable [2012-02-02 02:16:46 +0000 UTC]

Good!
You show what kind of relationship Alex and Matthew have through the dialogue without actually explaining it (I hate when people do that)
Although, when you say: "No clue, just take it in your stride and if you find anything interesting, report it back to me,"
You might want to just say: "No clue, just take it with you and if you find anything interesting, report it back to me,"
Unless Alex is the kind of person who would say "stride". Then I stand corrected.
Also, I'm not particularly fond of the villain being named "Chain". I mean, it's clever, but also a little cliched. Maybe another name would be more suitable. I find that name generators can help a lot, actually. I never really use the names they suggest, but it helps me think. You could also brainstorm other names by writing down everything you've already determined of the character and then seeing what you can come up with. If you like the name, then you should stick with it. One opinion is one opinion.

I myself am not very good at writing, but I hope I helped.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

mirz333 [2012-01-26 23:10:28 +0000 UTC]

It's a good beginning. My only complaint is that the dialogue is a bit choppy and repetitive in some parts. Written dialogue can be hard to master.

Example: "I'll see you tomorrow afternoon; I've got work tomorrow," Honestly, a person would probably say this IRL, but it doesn't flow well when reading. So, instead, you might "I'll see you tomorrow afternoon; I've got work in the morning."

Other than that, it's intriguing. You make good use of description to give the reader a feel for what is being said and the mannerisms of those saying it. Your description of how Matthew figures out what Alex is talking about it clever. You're definitely off to a very good start and I'm curious to learn more.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Erozja [2012-01-25 20:21:31 +0000 UTC]

Nice...

👍: 0 ⏩: 1