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Published: 2012-03-06 16:27:34 +0000 UTC; Views: 702; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 12
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Matthew observed from the side as William strolled through the school gates, putting on a brave front as he smirked at the kids in the younger years and nodded at his fellow year ten students. Matthew knew only too well that being a fifteen year old lad at Bonus Herring High was hard enough without having to keep your reputation up. A lot was expected from William, being one of the most popular kids at school. He was captain of the swimming team, vice-captain of the chess team, a star football player, he managed to get good grades, and, on top of it all, he had the good looks. His vivid blue eyes were paired perfectly with his smooth, olive complexion and his fair hair. He was also extremely masculine with broad shoulders, muscular arms and an extensive chin. It must have felt good not having to worry about how you looked.
As William entered through the school lobby, Matthew followed and found himself admiring the beautiful architecture for the first time. The lobby was a stylish, yet elegant room. The reception desk and all the door frames were made from the finest oak. Cushion adorned sofas and chairs were scattered around the sophisticated four marble pillars. For the year he'd worked at the school, he'd never taken the time to stop and examine the place in all its glory.
As Matthew looked around and spotted William, back up against a row of lockers, a boy collapsed at his feet. Matthew watched from the side of the lockers, not wanting to influence William's decisions. William looked around. He seemed to be wondering what had happened though it was fairly obvious that he'd been attacked. There didn't seem to be many suspicious looking people around. Perhaps they'd gotten away? He knelt down and turned the boy over. Evan Baxter. Evan was one of Williams peers but he wouldn't go far enough to say a friend. Evan was a tyrant of his own level, no own would hesitate to say. Blocking toilets, starting fights, vandalising staff member's cars- if you could name it, Evan had done it.
Matthew squinted as William examined his wound. Evan's dark hair was drenched as was his skin and there was some minor swelling around his closed eye and, combined with his deep cut from his ear to his chin, it looked like as if he'd taken quite a beating. Gently, William lifted him up and propped him up against the locker. He was out cold and needed to get to Student Services. Making sure than Evan was well supported; William rested him against his own body and cautiously began to drag him through the halls.
Matthew wondered whether or not he should step in and lend a helping hand. He didn't want to influence William's actions, yet Evan seemed badly injured.
Matthew's train of thought was disturbed as William cried out. William fell back against the wall as Evan grew heavier.
It was then that Matthew decided to take action, had he left it too long? "Is he alright?" he yelled as he lifted Evan from Williams hold, expressing neither emotion nor surprise.
"It wasn't me, I swear!" William's brows furrowed. "He was just…there."
Matthew wiped the blood from Evans face. "I know, just tell me what happened?"
"I was only helping. I was walking and before I knew it, he was thrown into me. I don't know who did it, they were already gone,"
"It's going to be fine, don't worry." Matthew stern expression remained as solid as ever. "Come on; you're coming with me to Student Services."
William nodded and began to walk alongside Matthew.
Pushing the door, the three men entered the Student Services office.
"My goodness!" exclaimed Miss Poynter, the school nurse. "What in the world happened?" she cried as Matthew carried Evan into the medical room. The short woman hurried after them, ushering William alongside.
Matthew placed Evan onto one of the beds and took a seat, "Perhaps you should ask Will, I wasn't there, Ma'am," he'd always found it hard to lie, but both his jobs were dependant on it in the present moment.
William froze.
Miss Poynter beady eyes stared. "Well then, don't just stand there. Tell me what happened?"
"I-I don't know." he mumbled. "Sorry Miss." William bowed his head.
"Nonsense boy."
"Someone threw him at me." William stammered. "I have no idea who- they had already disappeared."
Miss Poynter wasn't satisfied. She turned to Matthew. "You and William may leave," adjusting her blouse, she continued, "I shall take care of Evan."
"Yes, of course." Matthew nodded and stood up. "Thank you, Ma'am."
On the way down the corridor, Matthew struck up conversation with William as he seemed quite shaken. "Do you need a late note?"
"No thanks; I was planning on coming to see you this period. If you haven't got an appointment already, that is."
"You were? You haven't been in a long in quite some while, Will."
"Yes, things have been going well lately…until now." William scratched the back of his neck. "I've been, well, I've been having some strange dreams."
Matthew pushed open the door to his office. "Take a seat."
William obeyed.
"So, in these dreams, what happens?"
"Well, I think I'm standing on a building…it's a tall building." William closed his eyes, as if trying to remember. "I recognise it, I just can't think where from."
Matthew took out his notepad, labelled 'William Ray', and began to scribble down some notes.
"I look around, no one is there." William faltered and took a deep breath. He'd been here a countless number of times and knew exactly what Matthew wanted. He just had to close his eyes, and talk. "The wind is strong, it lifts me higher and higher, I'm not scared but instead excited and yet so nervous. Then, it's all over. I don't know what happens because my dream seems draws to a halt."
Matthew's brow wrinkled as he scribbled in the pad. "What do you think this means, Will?"
"I think…I don't know." William shrugged and opened his eyes.
"You really don't know?"
"Well, I…" William cringed. "I think that it means that I can fly."
Matthew's face went blank. "I'm not a expert in this topic Will but just think about it." Matthew leant forward. "Are you sure that there isn't any other logical explanation? Nothing?"
"But what else could they mean…" the light drained from Williams face.
"Think about it, Will." Matthew wasn't trying to crush his dreams, just show him the reality. "It takes someone very rare for someone to fly, you could say one in five million. You're special Will, you really are. You have achieved extraordinary things, but I do doubt that you can fly."
"But what if I am that one in five million, Matt?"
"Then I am very honoured to have known you." Matthew ended the conversation, not prepared to give away any more information than necessary. Not prepared to let slip that he knew…that he knew everything before they even met.
"Do you remember what you said to me when I entered this room for the very first time?"
"Indeed I do." Matthew wasn't one to forget anything, never mind anything as significant as this.
"You said these exact words: Only child. Divorced parents- you live with your mother. Insecure. Born in February 1996- I'm unsure of the exact date." William paused. "Then you wrote it all down, introduced yourself and welcomed me in."
"So, you reckon I can tell your future if I were to be able to tell you you're past?" Matthew smiled. "Think again."
"How do you know? You didn't try?"
"Yes I did." Matthew leaned backward. "I tried before you asked. I always do."
The bell rang, sounding second period.
William stood up. "I don't understand you…" he exited the room.
Matthew began to mutter. "And you never will."
As William left the room, Matthew let out a long sigh. He leant further back into his chair and slowly pulled out his phone from his pocket. As he ran his finger over the keys, wondering what to do, a thought came to him. He pictured Evan in the back of his mind. The deep gash that travelled half way across his face stuck in his mind. There was something familiar about the way it was marked. It took a while for it to come to him, but, suddenly, he realised what it was.
He picked up his phone and dialled Alex's number. "Alex."
"Matt, what is it?" Alex's muffled voice travelled from the end of the line.
"I've got it all linked together." Matthew leant back and smirked. He was better than better.
"What do you…Chains…," Alex gasped, finally catching on, "Wait - has he reached you?"
Silence.
"Matt?"
"I wouldn't doubt it…"
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Comments: 20
Tete-DePunk [2012-04-15 19:45:07 +0000 UTC]
Overall
Vision
Originality
Technique
Impact
This is building the connection between William's dreams and those around him securely. You are building about the character as well. William appears quite appealing from your description of him.
Evans seems to be the antagonist of the story, or at least to a character like Matthew. The description of the settings are well thought, though the dialogue is somewhat vague in terms of how the characters acting.
For example, how did Miss Poynter know it was Evan in the first place and someone else? Also, kudos to you for creating a sympathetic moment between William and Matthew, it is great to see a popular youth helping someone in time of need.
This connection between Matthew and Williams, is this based on fantasy, will Matthew be part in bringing William to alternate world to gain his power of flight?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
pixiepot In reply to Tete-DePunk [2012-04-16 15:42:06 +0000 UTC]
Thank you for reading and thanks for the feedback.
In British schools, the schools tend to be fairly small meaning that teachers know of students quicker. Evan and William are in year ten meaning they've had four years at this school - by this time, most members of staff know who you are. Evan. being the tyrant that he is, is particularly well known among the members of staff. That's how Miss Poynter knew who he was.
I'm not sure what you mean? Although it it contains super-heroes, I've tried to keep it very naturalistic, as if it was in real life.
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Tete-DePunk In reply to pixiepot [2012-04-16 16:12:51 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for the explanation. In the USA, schools are much larger, far too many students per ratio of teachers, so teachers cannot really rectify situations with students.
Evan is certainly one who would gain notoriety with the school staff. Thank you again for explaining this.
I am sorry, I was rather confused as to what type of story this was set, what its genre is?
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pixiepot In reply to Tete-DePunk [2012-04-16 18:46:50 +0000 UTC]
Yes, the school systems are very different.
It's prominently a mystery/suspense genre. It's set in London in the 21st Century. Details like that will be made clearer later on in the story. (I have another five or six chapters drafted out already Just sitting, waiting to be posted.)
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Tete-DePunk In reply to pixiepot [2012-04-16 21:26:50 +0000 UTC]
This is very intriguing! I may critique these upcoming chapters as well?
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pixiepot In reply to Tete-DePunk [2012-04-17 06:22:38 +0000 UTC]
I'd really love for you too. Thanks
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Tete-DePunk In reply to pixiepot [2012-04-17 06:46:46 +0000 UTC]
You are welcome! I shall for sure!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
mirz333 [2012-04-10 17:13:11 +0000 UTC]
Sorry. Reposting as a comment as I don't like have critiques sent out to my whole list (they get upset enough I spam them with other stuff)
Overall, I like the piece. I don't want to discourage you with my comments. I love the idea of the Clockwork story and universe. My comments below are made with the knowledge that this is a first draft, so I'm not really gonig to comment on grammar, etc. However, I did feel a bit confused, as one other commenter pointed out, so I felt I should mention a few things.
First paragraph. I think it is good you are describing William--he is a main character. However, I think you may have a bit of overkill. He comes off as too perfect. I think you can describe him and still keep it low key. You can mention his good looks, noting his eye color and hair. But say, the braces, is just a bit too much information. "His grades were wonderful" could be just as effective as saying, "he managed to pull good grades." I think a lot is said in the last sentence, which summarizes a lot of what was said before.
"like never before." might be better "for the first time."
I know you are trying to set up some mystery with the boy collapsing, but the problem is that it is almost too enigmatic. To keep the reader in the dark, you have things happening, but instead of being surreal, it is confusing. I think it's a delicate balance, but just because William is confused doesn't mean the reader should be. Since *I'm* not clear what was going on, I can't really suggest how to fix. However, I read the section several times and still feel I wasn't really getting an idea of what had really happening.
The scene in the nurse's office works all right on its own.
The conversation between william and Matthew is good and it does give a little more information about the dream and an idea of what direction you're going, but I still think the relationship between them is still a bit uncertain. It's a delicate balance trying to keep the mystery, but sometimes you need to reveal a little more so the reader has something to bite into.
It seems like you're trying to be enigmatic about Matthew--is he a good guy or a bad guy. Or am I off on that?
Again, the overall writing is good. You are setting up a good sense of mystery. William is likeable and Matthew is convincing. I honestly think some minor clean-up and editing is needed--not anything massive in the way or re-write. A few cuts and a few sentences here and there and I think you'll be ready to go to chapter 3
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
pixiepot In reply to mirz333 [2012-04-10 20:22:31 +0000 UTC]
I appreciate the feedback, thank you.
I see what you mean, I need to cut a few sentences out there.
There was something about this chapter that I really didn't like but for the life of me, I couldn't work out what it was. I think you might have got it. Once I've worked out how to fix the problem, I'm hoping I'll be more happy with this chapter.
Thank you, I hope my latest edit will have fixed the confusion of Matthew. Matthew is by far the most complex I have and I want to portray that, although he is a 'good guy', he is quite a blunt character (nothing to do with the name Matthew Blunt)
Thanks for the feedback, I really do appreciate it. Hopefully after a few edits here and there Chapter 3 will be published by the end of the week, if not next week.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
SilverWerewolf09 [2012-04-01 05:58:46 +0000 UTC]
Is there anything you'd like commented on specifically?
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pixiepot In reply to SilverWerewolf09 [2012-04-01 07:37:29 +0000 UTC]
Not really. The truth is that I really haven't edited this chapter and so I know that it's a bit of a mess. I've tried to edit it but I can't see what needs to be changed. I'd really love your help.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Kai-ssan In reply to pixiepot [2012-03-25 17:43:05 +0000 UTC]
Most likely because I haven't read Chapter 1
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
pixiepot In reply to Kai-ssan [2012-03-25 17:53:55 +0000 UTC]
Oh, perhaps. The link to chapter one and the prologue is in the artists comments.
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