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pixiepot — Prologue
Published: 2012-01-21 14:34:56 +0000 UTC; Views: 907; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 12
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Description
William Ray lay in bed, still wide awake and staring at the ceiling, he began to think about his most recent recurring dream. It had to mean something, didn't it? His father once told him that everything means something, even the most minor of things. William was now debating whether or not his father had spoken the words of a truthful man or not.There was a part of him that wanted to sleep to revisit the dream, yet the other part of him told him not to. The part that dismissed sleep told him to think instead and that maybe if he just thought, if he didn't sleep, the answer would come to him in time. As he thought, he grew even more tired; his eyes became even heavier and his longing to sleep became stronger. Though William was known for his never giving up once he had his sights set on something, he reluctantly gave in and closed his eyes. Gradually a foggy image began to form in the back of his mind.
He stood at the ledge of a tall building as the bitter breeze bit at his cheeks. He looked around and ignored the wind that battered him. The roof top was entirely desolate. It was lit by the dim light of the moon and the twinkling stars that peeked through from behind the clouds. Cautiously, William stepped forward and closed his eyes. A gust of wind circled him and, as if by magic, the wind lifted him up higher and higher.
William woke up in a cold sweat. He turned on his bed side lamp and grabbed a notepad and pen. He rapidly began jotting down his dream, eager to remember his strange but perfectly sensible theory.
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Comments: 40
The stirring imagery conjured by he simple flow of the narrative is excellent. William's struggle with his dreams is compelling, esp with his debating about the validity of his visions. There many people who come to grips with this ability, and you have brought to a human, sympathetic level.
However there are some lines which seem to jar the action or narrative of the prologue. For example, "Though William was known for being the reluctant one in the family, he gave in, exhausted, and closed his eyes."
Being a reluctant person may or may not base a person's urge to fall asleep. Try this: "Though William was known for his willfulness once he set on something, he gave in exhaustively, and closed his eyes.
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Thank you for the feedback, this is greatly appreciated.
Now that you've brought this to light, I see where I need to fix it. Thank you very much.
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You are welcome! It is the very least I can do for you!
Yes, a small change to the phrasing in that sentence is all that is needed. This is shaping to be an excellent story.
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I like, I like! You may need to fix the first line. Firstly, it needs as much impact as possible (you know this). Secondly, is there a missing "and?" You could put it before "still" or "he..."
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Thank you!
Thank you for the advice!
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It does read well. And now I'm wondering whether "everything means something..."
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A wonderful little prologue. If it was okay with you, I'd like to do a proof-reading and send you some little changes that I think will allow an easier flow. Of course, anything and everything would be nothing more than suggestions and hope you won't feel offended.
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I'll send it in a note when I'm done.
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You're very kind, thank you for the help
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If it's not too much trouble, could you send me a note when you post following chapters, just in case I miss it in my message center?
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Sure thing. Thanks for the interest. I'm hoping to post Chapter One in the next few days as I won't have internet access over the weekend
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Great start! I would recommend reviewing the placement of commas and spacing paragraphs to make it more neat and orderly.
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OKay, thanks for the feedback
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Right, critique time! *rubbinghandsness* oh how I love doing this
I must warn you that everything following this is going to be as blunt as a Wall-Nut's head.
bland ceiling
Bland doesn't seem to fit all that well. Try something else.
words of a correct man
Personally I think "truthful man" would work better here.
bitter breeze
I like your alliteration, however you then say vicious wind which contradicts that.
William
You say it too much! 
perfectly sensible theory
What theory is this?
You start a lot of sentences (in fact, nearly all of them) with "he". You could try rearranging some (but not all) of the sentences - for example, instead of "he walked down to the shops singing" you could put "he sang whilst walking down to the shops" or even "while walking down to the shops, he sang".
It might also be an idea to dump a bit of description in there. You don't really tell us about anything. For all we know, William is a pink-and-purple lizard who fires rainbow lasers out of his eyes and lays blue eggs. He could be wearing a chicken-flavoured jumpsuit with "I LOVE BOGIES" written on it. See what I mean?
And finally, you need to make your sentences a bit lengthier. At the moment, a few of the sentences (for example, "He stood at the ledge of a tall building. The bitter breeze bit at his cheeks. He looked around and ignored the vicious wind that battered him. The roof top was entirely desolate.") don't flow very well at all, so try and stick them together and form a nice string from them. While it's important not to have sentences that go on too long, it's also good to have a nice flow to your writing. It makes it a lot nicer to read.
...I hope that wasn't too harsh
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bland ceiling
Okay, I'll try something else.
words of a correct man
Awesome idea, thank you
bitter breeze
Okay, I'll fix that, thanks
William
Okay, thank you
perfectly sensible theory
All will be revealed in the next chapter
He
Okay, I will do.
The description of William is given in our next chapter where he is involved.
Sentence Length
Okay, thank you.
It wasn't too harsh but very helpful. Thanks, I'll rewrite it after my lunch.
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I like the descriptions and the atmosphere you've built here, but i agree with mirz; it sounds more like the start of a first chapter rather than a prologue.
Sometimes it's better to write the prologue after you write the story itself.
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Okay, thank you for the advice, I will take it into consideration.
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Interesting beginning. Gives a nice set-up. However, my only thought is that this almost seems more of the start of a first chapter than a prologue. I have always felt prologues were important, but that if you cut them off, the story could stand on its own. This seems like it's important. Unless it happens a distance in the past and the story takes place later on?
The only reason I'm mentioning this is that we talked about combining chapters. Sometimes we have a tendency to break when in reality two sections could be combined without a loss to the storytelling.
See, to me, the scene doesn't sound like it needs a lot more padding. You are trying to create a sense of mystery. You could add a little more detail as to what's in the room, etc., the time of day/night, etc. But that's not gonna double the length.
I'm sorry if this doesn't seem to help much. Perhaps publish the first chapter so that others can see how they flow. It's difficult to gauge a start based on 4 paragraphs.
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Thank you.
Do you suggest I turn this into the first chapter?
I have this as the prologue currently, only because the rest of the story so far is told by a different characters point of view.
Okay, thank you!
It's very helpful, thank you!
Okay, I will later today. Thanks again for all of your help
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Before we go further, I need to ask: Is this the type of story where each chapter is told by a different person, or is it that it goes back and forth between different POVs?
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The prologue is told from the point of view of William.
The other chapters are all the same POV of my other main character
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I see. Well, honestly, it depends on you. You read Lost & Found. The beginning scene is from Babs POV, but yet she never appears through the rest of the story, at all. In fact, that scene never gets tied up in the whole story (and won't until later in the series). I chose to not segregate it. Now, I have reasons story-wise, but I'm just saying it did work.
Now, if you feel it is something that is more or less disconnected, then keep it as a prologue. I don't believe prologues have to be long at all. But, I think the chapters beyond should be more substantial.
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Okay, thank you. I'll consider that
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Nice one for a prologue, but why is it still short, I thought you want to lengthen it???
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Thanks. I do want to lengthen it, I was just working on all the other chapters too. 
Thanks again
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It is amazing! It deserves a DD!
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