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princessezza — All Smoke and Mirrors Part 1.
Published: 2012-09-27 16:05:41 +0000 UTC; Views: 1034; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 3
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Description DING-DONG! The sound of the doorbell echoed throughout the house. Tayla tried to cover her ears with her pillow, but it was no use. At 7:00 in the morning, to Tayla the doorbell sounded like crashing thunder. DING-DONG! Whoever it was, they were getting impatient. She let out a groan as she dragged herself out of bed and slid into her pink slippers. Her hair was everywhere, and her nightgown a mess from a rough night sleep. Luckily, she couldn't have cared less. She stumbled her way to the front door and opened it up.
She was abruptly greeted with a big hug around the neck. She had to take a few steps back and absorb who it was that just hugged her. It was Grace Aminta! But quite frankly, who else could it have been? Since moving to Sydney, Tayla McGuire has had a difficult time fitting in. A transition from an expensive private school to your average run of the mill public school can be tough for a young girl. Sure Tayla was a pretty girl, her brown hair modestly sitting below her shoulders, sparkling green eyes and cute smile. But looks isn't everything. Tayla was a very shy girl, and combined with bearing the stereotype of 'daddy's rich little brat' didn't help her.

But Grace was a different kind of girl.  Grace was a friendly young girl with a bubbly personality and outgoing confidence. Her family was of Greek decent, blessing her with gorgeous tanned skin and rich black hair perched carefully on her shoulders. Grace could have easily been part of the 'popular crowd'. She had looks, personality, wealth and an unspoken admiration from her peers. But she chose to be friends with Tayla. The two got on together like sisters.

"Hey Tay, loving the sex hair" Grace said jokingly.  Tayla would have found that funny, if her brain was awake. "Guess what I got" she said excitedly. "A life?' Tayla cheekily snapped back. "Even better! I won us two tickets to see Orval the Extraordinary!"
Tayla had never really been one for magic shows. It was something about dabbling in those types of things that just felt wrong. But hey, it could be good for her. Get out and socialise, have fun and maybe even meet some cute boys. Besides, the expression on Grace's face was enough to convince anyone. "Great, sounds fun!"
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Comments: 5

Mr-Timeshadow [2012-10-01 01:46:20 +0000 UTC]

Okay, here is the critique you requested and I promised:
Paragraph 1, Sentence 2: I'd say you should move "To Tayla" after "doorbell".
P 1, S 5: I'd suggest "..herself from the bed" to avoid double "outs".
P 1, S 9: I think you can drop "up".
P 2, S 5: You start shifting tense, and need "had" instead of "has". Similarly with Sentence 8: "But looks aren't everything".
P 3: I think you can merge S1 and S 2, as "But Grace was a different kind of girl: friendly, with...." To avoid repeating "girl". I love your description of Grace, though! Detailed but not excessive; I can picture her easily!
P 4: I love the "sex hair" teasing!
P 5, S 4: "Socialize".

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princessezza In reply to Mr-Timeshadow [2012-10-01 08:47:44 +0000 UTC]

Thanks very much The only issue with this in Australia we spell it socialise.

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Mr-Timeshadow In reply to princessezza [2012-10-01 22:11:51 +0000 UTC]

Really? I thought I knew all of your distinctive spellings (I collect that sort of info for character development....). Okay, ignore that one then...

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princessezza In reply to Mr-Timeshadow [2012-10-02 02:55:08 +0000 UTC]

Yeah there are a lot of words like that, such as organise

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princessezza In reply to princessezza [2012-10-01 08:58:59 +0000 UTC]

However since this is viewed by a wider audience, it might be a good idea to make such and adjustment

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