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Chapter 4 – I am What I am, and I am Me

The following is a transcription from a journal entry document last modified at 12:57am, day and year unknown due to corrupted computer settings.

"I am What I am, and I am Me

I am what I eat, I suppose. That's just common sense, of course. The stuff that physically makes me a living, breathing organism doesn't come from inside, though. It always comes from outside my body. If you eat a different diet, does that make you a different person?

I read on the Net today that 2 more dry corpses have been discovered in the basement. They were about two days old, meaning that the girl they found was probably drained by the same people who drained these two. More people have died due to vampire attacks this quarter than in any other period of my life.

I'm not scared that maybe somebody or something is out to get me, but this is a very interesting time to be living in.

The first time I heard about a vampire attack I was only 12. That night, I asked D about it. She told me "The vampires know that they will live longer if they do it." I asked Her if She was a vampire. She smiled and told me "I am Me." After that, She beckoned me to her left foot (my favorite of Her two feet) and had me rub coconut milk between Her toes, probably to let me cogitate on what that meant.

Human homeostasis also fascinates me. The body is designed to maintain a certain internal environment at all times so that I can live: temperature, pulse rate and breathing. This gives the body resilience when it's exposed to ill conditions. This is all for the sake of keeping me the same, yet constantly changing.

I change because of my will, my intellect, and, of course, D's touch. I know how to direct the course of my life. If I did not compose, would I have become D's court composer? Had I not thought about D's godlike feet for my entire life, would I have such a deep love for the feminine foot? I have been reborn at least twice, last I counted. I became closer to who I am now.

We [the people living in D's House] all eat the same diet, yet we're all so different. Rather, everyone else is different than me. Too different! Why is that? Not to mention that there are some people living under this roof who content themselves by drinking human blood like fucking vino! What have they become?

I suppose I feel okay at the moment. I keep shaking my leg while I type, not that that matters. I keep writing shit down, then hitting delete over and over again. My musical loop on my mp3 player keeps the thoughts going.

I don't want this to turn into a "Me vs. Them" situation, but I think that is exactly what is going to happen. That's what always has happened with me, so why should this turn out any differently?

Let me be clear: D is a living goddess; this is a fact. This is more than just my belief and my conviction: it ought to be everybody's, but it isn't!

Just today, I got into an argument with my dad, again. We were both drinking wine on top of dinner, and I reminded him that I had another session with D later on this evening. He put his glass down and told me, "Listen to me very carefully. Do as she tells you. I don't care what that might be whether it's writing her goddamn music, answering her stupid questions, touching her fucking feet, whatever. But, when you do it, don't tell yourself that it's because she's bigger than you. You do it because she'll kill you if you don't, which, by the way, I don't want to have happen!"

I didn't argue with the man. I would have liked to ask him if he loved D the way I did, but I knew in my gut that he didn't.

After that, he took out a cigar and sparked it. I asked him if he would ever smoke in front of his father if he was still with us (may he rest in peace). He said that he would never do that because his father was very strict about smoking. Then, I asked him if he would be okay with me smoking in front of him. He said no.

"So, why do you do it, then?" I jovially asked him.

He sighed, knowing where this was going, and said "Do as I say, not as I do."

I noticed that when I look at the words "You are what you eat" I quickly imagine myself as a gigantic orange, rolling around everywhere xD

D commissioned a new MIDI song from me for three instruments, probably twin trebles and a bass, doesn't care if it's playable or not. This will be the first time that I present Her with something that cannot be reproduced by human musicians. I expect it also means that after I write it I get to lay down on her soles again while presenting the music. Her feet felt a little too rough the last time I composed for Her. I hope She took care of that (knowing Her, it has been done).

Should probably take me a few days to crank out a solid 4 minutes of music. I'll do my usual 5 hours a day. Just hope that dad doesn't start bitching again."