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pullingcandy — How To Be Pretentious
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Published: 2011-01-10 06:19:35 +0000 UTC; Views: 2741; Favourites: 45; Downloads: 18
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Description
1:Stop.
Breathe.
Fuck around.
Get it out of your system and get pregnant and abort it. Don't look back, there will be other babies. Do some drugs, get rich or die trying, drink so much you throw up behind your couch and for days can't find the smell.
Repeat.
2:
Get a test for a mysterious sexually transmitted disease.
Don't recall why you're doing it, just do it. It will come back negative and you can celebrate by picking up a random stranger at a random bar, dazzling him with your knowledge of absolutely nothing (though you sound very much like you know exactly what you're talking about) and doing them behind the couch in your house next to the smell, while the cat lazily licks itself in time to your grinding pelvises. You may repeat this step. Do not allow men to get close to you. You're in an experimental phase, you may also pick up women.
3:
Phone home, crying and drunk late one evening and pretend that you didn't do it the next day, and keep up that charade for the rest of your life.
Give away little secrets to your mother like she gave to you, calling drunk at noon on a Wednesday in 1997 and promising to meet you for lunch the next day, calling you beautiful, and then not showing up. It'll be okay - every family has one of these people and it may as well be you. Do not repeat this step. The allure is mystery, be mysterious (like the disease, or the smell).
4:
Get sober. Preach about the evils of drugs and drinking to anybody who will listen. After all, who better than you to let everybody else know just how bad these things are. You've been there, done that, and you're likely wearing the t-shirt. You'll feel better about your actions when you make them seem like they happened so long ago. Don't do a 12 step program, go cold turkey. It'll be okay. Repeat this until you meet the man of your dreams. Once he has been acquired, multiply so you have children you can preach to. They HAVE to listen to you.
5:
Take up religion just before you die. It's a simple and uncomplicated process for you, you've been blaming so many for so long that it seems right somehow to start blaming it on God. At least He still loves you. You've heard tell he HAS to. Write a memoir. Write a confession. Admit to stealing from your Aunt's purse right before dying like it was the worst sin you ever committed. Realize at the moment your soul departs from your body that you've done nothing your whole life but complain. Ready your golden tongue to have a word with your maker and...
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Comments: 39
I like this very much and it is written very well.
The whole thing reminds me of so many of my old school friends ( I hung with the wrong crowd).
I was upset at the 1st part about get pregnant and abort as there will be more babies I have had my fair share of babies but loosing my last to cot death it struck a heart string as after birth to her I could no longer have any more which broke my heart.
I know it has nothing to do with your work I just think I am to soft.
Over all I think this is brilliantly written and holds allot of truth.
Well done for making a point and printing this
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Thank you.
It's fictional, of course.
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Yes I read that bit lol, and all the comments
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Dear Pulling Candy:
this is much better than you seem to think
and yes, the characters in this are real; I've met them all
cheers
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Thank you. I enjoyed writing this, as well as every other 'How To' I've ever penned. I'm glad that you enjoyed it, and I'm glad you can relate (thankfully, or unfortunately, I am never sure when it comes to pretentious people and events).
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I prefer this to happy.
I'm not a native english speaker, so grammar, phrasing and punctuation is a bit hard for me to judge I suppose.
But I really like the concepts and the *stuff* that you express.
The stuff is good.
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Thank you.
Don't worry about your English, I'm just happy you enjoyed it.
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I love the title. Firstly that caught me. The plot - there really are people out there who do just that, and think they have something of history because of it. I always want so much to just slap them. You've portrayed them well. And melancholy - where's the fun without it
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Whether through prose or pictures, you always manage to invade my mind.
I greatly admire you for not only sharing, but also actively requesting criticism.
However, it never ceases to amaze me when everyone and his sister (or any
other sibling) decides to weigh in with what you SHOULD have done, regardless
of your request for critique.
'How To Be Pretentious' is brilliant.
Don't change a word.
Of course, that's just MY opinion.
I could be wrong.
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I really enjoy getting CONSTRUCTIVE critique. I do not appreciate lackluster, idiotic comments that do not further me in any way, they are pretentious and pedantic. I'm only assuming you're commenting on below comments. I like big words
Thank you for your comment, I appreciate it very much. Your opinion is of course worth it to me. I won't change anything but grammar and perhaps some spacing issues; because of helpful critique I can see that it would indeed fix a little bit of the flow problem.
You brightened my spirits, thank you very much.
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Haha
How to be pretentious? 1.Write a piece about 'How to be pretentious' 2. Claim (either truthfully or lying) that you have not experienced the things that mentioned in the piece.
Overall, I would say a very mediocre piece...I strongly agree with poshlost that step 1 doesn't fit with the tone of 2 through 5
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I never, not once, said that I haven't experienced what's happened in the piece, I said it was fictional and wasn't about me, like most of my other writing is.
I'm sorry you find it to be mediocre; I'm good with receiving critique but not a smarmy, smart ass comment that relays nothing new to me but something somebody else already said, was kinder about saying, and tried to assist me with fixing.
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Smart ass, yes. Smarmy, I would have to disagree.
"It's not personal, it's not for real." & "...a lot of it comes from personal experience, though perhaps not my own"
Sorry but doling out advice about such heavy things that you don't have first-hand experience, or extensive education of, would qualify as pretentious, I was merely pointing out this irony. I understand there is a difference between author and speaker, so it feels you have taken that first comment too personal.
Lastly, the fact that I agreed with another comment does tell you something new. It tells you that more than one person felt the same way about a particular part of the piece. The more people that have issue with the same thing usually helps one to realize its less an issue of personal taste and perhaps does need some reassessment.
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I hardly see this as 'advice', for starters. How on earth could this be advice? I have other pieces which are entitled 'How To' but they could hardly be advice either. As for personal experience, everybody knows somebody who is pretentious. You, my good man, are extremely so.
I honestly believe that you felt the need to leave a quick and smartass comment on somebody elses work and you chose mine. If you do not LIKE the story then just walk away.
If you like it or think there is something educational you may offer, do so.
In your case, you make yourself out to be a real dick, which reflects badly on you, though I'm sure that with your attitude you really don't care. And lastly, make sure your work is up to speed before you judge others with no due course. I don't leave comments on things I don't know anything about, and you shouldn't either. Just saying.
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this is awesome and should be taught in schools!
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I really like canto/step 1 and I really like cantos 2-5 but for different reasons. In the beginning, you're very blunt, very general, angry even. By canto 2, everything changes--the tone, the level of detail (much more specific), even how blunt you are. I personally think this is a problem because you're basically betraying the whole story before it's even told. Canto 1 lessons the impact of everything else because the reader is already in shock and desensitized. (Granted, you could also get a reader who becomes hypersensitized, but people usually aren't like that.)
In any other situation, I would suggest moving canto 1 to the end because it's the kicker. However, I really like the way you've ended this, and the chronological progression, so maybe I would suggest just incorporating the best lines from canto 1 into all the other ones as the last line, where they will be especially useful, depending on chronological progression.
Also I would suggest against using the phrase "you don't understand that nobody is listening" and those like it in canto 4 because nowhere else in the piece have you betrayed that nobody likes this character. The point of being pretentious is that you think the world has you on a pedestal and you can do whatever you want, which is what you've conveyed in the rest of the cantos. So the bits in canto 4 seems out of place and uncharacteristic.
Overall, I think you did a great job, and I like the trailing close, because pretentiousness never stops.
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You rely a very good point in canto 4. I'll have to change that, I was having trouble closing this piece, but you're the first person to realize what the trailing dots meant. You never stop being an ass once you start, especially if you live your whole life like one.
As for canto 1, I'm really unsure how to put your ideas in to play, motion. I'm struggling with how to fix things up here, because I really appreciate your comment and suggestions and am honored you took the time to leave them, I'd like to do them some justice. Do you have an example of what you would do, in my situation?
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Well, first I would try to either take out the pregnant part or the drug part, just seems like too much for one section. But both have their merits and are alluded to later on, so I would put the pregnant part at the beginning of canto 2 and maybe the drug part at the beginning of canto 3. Then there would be 5 cantos. For example,
1:
Stop.
Breathe.
Fuck around.
Get it out of your system and get pregnant and abort it. Don't look back, there will be other babies.
Get a test for a mysterious sexually transmitted disease.
Don't recall why you're doing it, just do it. It will come back negative and you can celebrate by picking up a random stranger at a random bar, dazzling him with your knowledge of absolutely nothing (though you sound very much like you know exactly what you're talking about) and doing them behind the couch in your house next to the smell, while the cat lazily licks itself in time to your grinding pelvises. You may repeat this step. Do not allow men to get close to you. You're in an experimental phase, you may also pick up women.
2:
Do some drugs, get rich or die trying, drink so much you throw up behind your couch and for days can't find the smell.
Phone home, crying and drunk late one evening and pretend that you didn't do it the next day, and keep up that charade for the rest of your life.
Give away little secrets to your mother like she gave to you, calling drunk at noon on a Wednesday in 1997 and promising to meet you for lunch the next day, calling you beautiful, and then not showing up. It'll be okay - every family has one of these people and it may as well be you. Do not repeat this step. The allure is mystery, be mysterious (like the disease, or the smell).
Two concerns with this method are leaving out the "Repeat" bit and making the new canto 1 a bit long. I personally don't think "repeat" matters hugely; if anything, it's an anomaly because the rest of the piece flows in a very different way. As for the length, that's a personal pet peeve, but it's certainly okay for the first canto to be like that. OR you could have a canto 1 that says
1:
Stop.
Breathe.
Fuck around.
Repeat.
and start canto 2 with
Get it out of your system and get pregnant and abort it. Don't look back, there will be other babies.
Get a test...
But anyway those are just my thoughts, to be taken with a grain of salt. All art is subjective. Ultimately it's your piece.
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Of course all art is subjective, but I genuinely appreciate the feedback and wish to better a piece when I upload it. I will put your suggestions in to play, and see what I come up with afterwards, and how it looks - and again, thank you.
It's not like it was a refined diamond in the rough or anything, just a bit of blathering, late night - and if I can't take your comment decently, why upload?
Thank you so much.
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It's sad to know that there are so many people for who this isn't fiction.
I really enjoyed it, though. c:
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It's true.
I've never been pretentious (to the best of my knowledge) but as with all my writing, there is a lot here that IS non-fiction. It's easiest to write what you know or what you have lived. Thankfully, a lot of it was glorified, therefore making it non-fictional. Though, drunken calls in 1997 were pretty prominent in my life.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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Well, I like it when you abuse words. You abuse them well. 
I don't know why but 5 really spoke to me. Maybe the whole "I'm sorry God" right before death thing is one of my pet peeves.
You're very blunt, open, and honest (even if this piece was purely fictional) It all comes out in you tone and it makes the piece flow brilliantly. Very enjoyable read.
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As with all my writing, a lot of it comes from personal experience, though perhaps not my own - I know some pretty pretentious people, I hope I did them justice by combining their personalities with some real life incidents to create a non-fiction piece.
And as I always say (or think, as I don't say much on average), write honestly, openly and tell the truth, because the truth is more often than not a pretty good story.
Thanks
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See, even that's awesome advice for a learning writer such as myself.
Naw, thank you for writing the piece.
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I totally meant to say *fiction piece, not non-fiction /chuckle
Thanks and you're welcome
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I second that 
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Oh why thank you!
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