Solarune [2011-02-07 01:00:37 +0000 UTC]

Overall

Vision

Originality

Technique

Impact

Okay, my first critique! Hopefully I can be of some help to you e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s… " width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Smile)"/> I'll try to be as honest as possible but hopefully not harsh; this is, of course, just my opinion. ^^

What strikes me most about this is a conflict in moods, and I think you've used that to good effect; the word "secret" brings to mind something subtle, quiet, and mysterious, and this is opposed here by the sense of collision, crashing, etc. It makes me feel – wow, snap. It hooks me in and draws attention.

The story, though, I think, is somewhat cloudy. It leaves the reader with a sense of suspense, but we don't really know what has happened other than that something has collided, creating echoes. If you gave us a definite sense of what's happening, then it would be more of a story, I think – I'm not opposed to stories that have unclear or ambiguous endings, but the plot itself is a bit shaky here. It feels like it is very tied down to the form and the stipulations of the prompt. It's kind of unclear – to me at least, unless I'm just missing something! – what story you were trying to convey.

Please, do take all this with a pinch of salt and cut yourself some slack, because I realise it's very difficult to fit all this in with a) the constraints of the six-word story form, b) the prompt and c) the time frame. So maybe don't necessarily change this piece, but keep it in mind for the future? XD

To be specific, I think the word "reverberating" is unnecessary; echoes generally reverberate. In a long prose piece it would perhaps be not such a problem but in this short form, every word counts and I wouldn't say that's one of the strongest. Descriptive words seem... unnecessary, I suppose. Similarly, I think "suddenly" could be changed. It definitely creates mood but... it's just telling us how it happens. I think that's less of a sticking point than the other, though.

What if you changed one of those words to something more personal – say, a name? It would require a bit of reworking but if you had, say, a person's echoes, there's a story in the making – what echoes? The echoes of their scream? The echoes of a body falling? The echoes of them leaving? It would bring things closer/more personal and, in turn, make them more relatable. Play around with things like that.

"Tolled" is also another one that could be changed if needed, although I do like the word; it puts one in mind of a bell chiming. "Everything" seems slightly unspecific, but I don't think that's too much of a problem; perhaps it seems more so because everything else is quite vague, and if that were changed it would work better. It definitely has a sense of worldly, immense impact. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s… " width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Smile)"/>

I do really like the formatting, I think it increases the impact a lot. At first, I didn't think the bolding of the first letters were necessary but on another reading I think it works really well; it sharpens the juxtaposition between the connotations of the word "secret" and what's actually happening. Collided definitely works in italics; it's like the focal point of the story and makes it very sharp, very real.

So yes, in conclusion this seems more like a mood piece to me than an actual story; and maybe you could edit it to make it seem more... plotty, but considering how difficult it is to write for these prompts and to write a six-word story, I think you've done well. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/t/t… " width="15" height="15" alt="" title="Thumbs Up"/>

Keep writing! e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b… " width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Big Grin)"/>

👍: 0 ⏩: 1