HOME | DD

Description
Comments, listed alphabetically by entrant. Since this was the audition phases, comments are in an abbreviated format.

Rupert and Luka by Spaceflight-Wyvern
Did well
AriadneArca: Characterisation was good all round. I liked the little tidbits about the world, and I also liked the humour in the writing, as well as Luka and Rupert's dysfunctional relationship, in particular the way that Luka doesn't let on much about how much she enjoys their friendship.
GrimNecropolis: Luka's interactions with other characters and her approach to life are enjoyable, and Rupert adds a whole other dimension.
Khan: A fascinating pair. I was caught up more and more as I read, and it was enthralling to see the world of mixed species.
RobinRone: The dynamic between Luka and Rupert is engaging and has enough affection to make sense, but enough tension to be interesting. Luka's curiosity and obsession with stories makes her an interesting addition to the realm of stories world, and I'm looking forward seeing how she takes to the tales in store for her.
TheBuggiest: The writing was smooth and easy to follow, the characters were well portrayed and bounced off each other in a nice fashion, and creativity was very evident.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Uhhh... I guess more details about the world could have been fun... uhhh...
GrimNecropolis: While the pace of the exposition was comfortable, I feel like the interaction with Mudd was not quite believable.
Khan: Why exactly did Mudd give Rupert the Function of Sight? Does he sense something in Rupert that makes that Function particularly thematic for him? This is a minor point, though.
RobinRone: I wished I could have had the chance to learn a little bit more about their world, which seemed set in the modern day, but with some very significant changes. Unfortunately, we probably won't have much opportunity in the future to learn more, but there may be other settings in the future that could do with more detail and attention.
TheBuggiest: I'd have liked to know what a stonekin was and perhaps some more details as to what their surroundings looked like. A little more description and imagery could help this quite a bit.

Azreal by Weavrrcat
Did well
AriadneArca: I like Azreal as a character; her grumpiness feels natural and not domineering.
GrimNecropolis: The character is a grouch, but she is so distinct and comical that she is a joy to watch.
Khan: Azreal definitely has a unique character design that I find intriguing. I want to know more about her origins and personality.
RobinRone: Azreal has a clear personality, with bits of color to add depth to her grumpy exterior.
TheBuggiest: I appreciated the creative character design, and Azreal was well portrayed. I enjoyed her interaction with Mudd.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Speech bubble placement is downright puzzling at times. The biggest problem is that often the two parts of the conversation are too far apart, meaning that I read one part of the conversation before realising that there is a series of responses that I should have been switching to at the same time. I also have very little idea of setting - where on earth are Azreal and Mudd?
GrimNecropolis: None of the other characters' personalities really shined.
Khan: Your dialogue could use a little more punch... While the dialogue in this entry served to both deliver exposition and characterization, I found it somewhat bland. If you can find a way to keep your text serving both purposes and make it exciting and fun to read, your entries will be much better.
RobinRone: The pacing of this entry felt disjointed, jumping from idea to idea without much connective tissue. There was never a "why" factor that was made clear, whether in body language or dialog. Why is Azreal sulking in an alley? I know that she is avoiding a ceremony, and that's fine, but what is it about her personality that creates that response? Does it remind her of something? Does she not like crowds? Is she ashamed? Why is she so aggressive towards strangers? Why does she decide to hear Mudd out? I feel like the addition of a single sentence, or a single silent panel to show an expression, could have done worlds of good to make the transitions in this piece feel connected and effective.
TheBuggiest: The bit at the beginning was confusing and could have used some further explanation of Azreal's background.

Ophelia and August by Second-Person-Point
Did well
AriadneArca: The dreamlike quality of the story seemed to fit Ophelia nicely. I like the complexity of the characters, in particular Ophelia's assumptions of her own wisdom.
Khan: These are some really complex characters with a wealth of history.
RobinRone: Wonderfully complicated characters with interesting twists. I enjoyed how they fit (and how they don't) as a pair of clashing personalities. There's a lot to play with, and lots of directions to go for future character growth.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Not much chance for characterisation in the audition, and it wasn't entirely clear how they entered the Book of Stories.
Khan: The entry itself was often confusing. It had a dreamlike quality, but had so few descriptions and was so short, that I missed when exactly they transported into the Book.
RobinRone: I got very lost by this entry, to the point where I had to take it on faith that they actually got where they needed to go. It started out strong, but your descriptions need to be much tighter if you're going to do something visual with words.

Telique Calenarien by ServantofSHEVAL
Did well
AriadneArca: Good read, and the discussion characterised both Telique and Ink well.
Khan: I liked the mixed media of this entry, and it's clear you put a lot of thought into this character and his background.
RobinRone: I liked Telique's unique bargain for entering the realm of stories, which provides a very different flavor of motivation than the typical hero trying to save the world.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Maybe a little bit of an issue with economy of language...?
Khan: I was a little confused as to what Lady Ink's second gift to Telique was... or why she felt he deserved it more than any of her other champions. Also, while your language was beautiful, it was overly long. I found myself slogging trough this entry by the end. Think about economy of language, and consider if there is a shorter way to communicate the same message.
RobinRone: You have given your character a lot of advantages, but he has yet to do much to earn them. Be careful that the gifts he has received do not become a short-cut to solutions.

Flume and Smarmadine by Star-Seal
Did well
AriadneArca: Nicely crafted prose and I love what the disposal of the Page said about Smarmadine, and what a problem he could pose to Flume in the future.
GrimNecropolis: Flume's history and culture provides a strong backbone to her character, and Star-Seal shows she can be very funny (that one page devoted entirely to the fish? killed me).
Khan: This was a wonderfully creative entry that felt like it had a lot of history and character. I also loved the fish.
RobinRone: Flume's species and world have a myriad of interesting details that the creator pulls from to effectively characterize each personality and define the context for character reactions.
TheBuggiest: Both the comic portions and the writing portions were well crafted. In the writing, I enjoyed the interesting juxtaposition choices and imagery, and the expressions of both characters in the drawn portions characterized them well. It alternated between funny and thoughtful in a pleasant way.
Needs work
AriadneArca: I'd have liked to see the text and comic portions better integrated with one another. I'm also still a little unsure about Flume's culture - "minimal propaganda and brainwashing" but few people object to sterilization/alien exploitation/the status quo? The audition seems to suggest that it's in their nature but I still can't work out whether it's something that could be changed or not - and it seems pretty central to who Flume is.
GrimNecropolis: Flume's character doesn't shine as an individual (although this makes sense in her case, I guess), and medium-switches made the pacing/flow feel disjointed.
Khan: Occasionally I got lost, or found it difficult to follow what was going on. I must have completely missed the transition between the ship and the Book, and the world description seemed to repeat itself. That may have been intentional, but I still found it a bit confusing.
RobinRone: Although I enjoy and encourage sensory details, in some sections the descriptions became overwhelming and I got a little lost. In particular, the section where Flume is inside the Book got a bit much, although this may have been done purposefully to convey how she felt at seeing a planet for the first time. If done on purpose, ignore this comment. If done on accident, keep a wary eye on the balance between simplicity and complexity in your prose.
TheBuggiest: The writing was a little difficult to follow at times, and some of the transitions between written portions and drawn were abrupt.

Sara Landwere and Marx Santos by supernova8041
Did well
AriadneArca: Sara's experience and Marx's empathy make them a very well-balanced pair, and their character interaction reflects this. I like the insight into the characters' work, as well as Marx's encounter with the pigeon spirit.
GrimNecropolis: Solid character writing, great dialogue, and the possibility of the characters' abilities failing promises to challenge and develop them.
Khan: You've obviously put a lot of thought into both the characters and their world, and it was nice to see such a rich environment. I also thought it was well plotted with little moments building up to reveals.
RobinRone: The dialog was particularly strong in this entry, serving to characterize Sara and Marx, as well as set the pacing and mood of each scene. I got a clear sense of their world, and where they felt their place was within it.
TheBuggiest: The characters felt very real, a good deal of thought and creativity were present, the writing was good, and I loved Mudd's characterization.
Needs work
AriadneArca: A lot could have been cut from this entry. The crawling-through-the-gateway scene was unnecessary, telling us nothing that we did not previously know from the characters' interactions, and the dialogue also drags on a bit in places.
GrimNecropolis: A lot of details and unnecessary description weighed down an otherwise stellar read.
Khan: At times, this entry dragged on. I felt that many sentences could have been cut completely without losing any of the story. Be aware that there is such a thing as too much description, and don't drive away your audience though sheer length.
RobinRone: There were many points in this entry where it could have concluded and lost nothing. The earlier prose was very effective in establishing the characters, but further scenes did not provide more information. When your writing is already strong, more is sometimes less.
TheBuggiest: Some of the dialog didn't feel strictly necessary and could have been trimmed to make this shorter. Also, it would be nice to have the paragraphs separated visually.

Adante and Vin by devSephirothsFlamedWing:
Did well
AriadneArca: Well thought-out characters, and a solid story.
GrimNecropolis: The characters have distinct personalities that will play off each other well.
Khan: A nice entry with solid artwork and detailed history.
RobinRone: This entry had me by the end of the character sheets, and the story was icing on the cake. I found both characters interesting, believable, and well-constructed, complete with strengths, weaknesses, and quirks that all tied into their personalities and histories.
TheBuggiest: Adante and Vin are fairly well characterized, along with Ink and Mudd.
Needs work
AriadneArca: It's a promising start, but we only really saw the most simple aspects of the duo's personalities in the audition. On an artistic note, watch your anatomy - the figures of the characters tended to slip out of proportion.
GrimNecropolis: The other characters aren't as well characterized, and Adante seems to have a habit of outright explaining how he feels to the reader.
Khan: While this entry has no overt weaknesses, I'd still like to get to know the principle characters a bit more. As of now, they seem a little generic to me. A few more interactions with other characters might fix this problem.
RobinRone: Since this is an intro, it understandably leaned on exposition quite heavily, particularly from Lady Ink. Be careful not to rely on heavy dialog boxes too often, or this may become a crutch!
TheBuggiest: This story didn't really grab me; it seems like a pretty typical fantasy without much to set it apart. The format of the comic was often confusing, especially in the placement of the speech bubbles.

Sir Gerhart Lautz by T-Finbo
Did well
AriadneArca: Interesting character, and the audition was well-written and portrayed his character and the personalities of those around him appropriately.
GrimNecropolis: The narration has a lighthearted yet melancholy tone that's easy to sympathize with, and the concept is creative.
Khan: What an interesting and compelling character design.
RobinRone: I love all the sensory detail included in this entry, which serves not only to paint the scene for the reader, but also emphasizes the experiences Lautz is denied due to his unique form. A variety of situations and character interactions gave us a good feel for the OC and highlighted on his good and bad traits.
TheBuggiest: Very good characterization, and not just for Lautz. The writing was well-paced and flowed well. The descriptions were nice as well.
Needs work
AriadneArca: No obvious flaws, of ability or of personality.
GrimNecropolis: The character's personality lacks depth--it's confined to the flawless, noble "rebellious prince" archetype.
Khan: An editor can really help you get the most out of your story and smooth out any spelling errors.
RobinRone: Sometimes there were shifts in tone that were jarring. For example, the phrase "freaked out" seems uncharacteristically modern in a more medieval setting, and it momentarily took me out of the story. Being aware of the language that your own characters might be familiar with can help you characterize them AND their world more consistently.
TheBuggiest: The bit at the end concerning the Book and where Lautz ended up was a bit devoid of description, which was odd considering how well the author did with this earlier in the entry.

Ave and Axis by Teal-and-Coral
Did well
AriadneArca: I liked the descriptions in the opening paragraph, and there's a nice balance of focus between character and setting here.
GrimNecropolis: The characters are of the same "family" yet totally different in most respects--they would play off each other interestingly.
Khan: This was a well written entry with good imagery. I particularly liked the opening with the ash as Ave was waking up.
RobinRone: The story gave me a good feel of the characters and how they would respond to different situations and people.

Needs work
AriadneArca: The characters' reactions to the world they're in just don't convince me. Ave's "optimism", for example, just comes across as callousness here. It doesn't seem realistic that he would be able to take the philosophical (and selfish) view that he at least was still alive, when his village is probably burned to the ground and his telepathy, which has accompanied him all his life, can't hear any voices but Axis'. If he didn't realise exactly how grave the situation was, this would be a plausible reaction, but you make it clear that he's not blind to it.
GrimNecropolis: Characters' personalities are summed up without drawing on dialogue or actions.
Khan: My biggest concern about this entry was the principle characters' lack of concern for their pack after a devastating attack. I'd have expected Axis and Ave to have stayed behind and looked for survivors before jumping into the Book, particularly since they were never told how dire the Book's crisis is.
RobinRone: Although there is plenty of material here that should make these characters unique, their world and history wasn't fleshed out enough to really make it distinct. Instead, Ave and Axis came across as a little generic. I hope to see them rounded out a further in the future.

Lyric by Murphyslaw159
Did well
AriadneArca: I liked the Lyric that we saw in the first part of the entry, and am really interested to see where twenty years of madness has taken him. Very enjoyable story that ties in perfectly to the Book of Stories.
GrimNecropolis: I like Lyric--a tortured, complex, paradoxical character with an epic story seamlessly fused into that of the book. The writing style captures his personality well.
Khan: I thought this entry started out a bit generic, but it really gained character and momentum by the end. It's clear that you really thought through the consequences of the Book's unraveling on your world.
RobinRone: Lyric has a compelling motivation for entering the book, and I am interested in seeing where the author takes The Song and Lyric's quest.
TheBuggiest: Lyric is an interesting character caught up in an interesting problem that is interestingly linked to the Book of Stories. The reader is really drawn into his suffering during the descriptions of how the Song has possessed him.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Give your audience some credit! Lady Ink's exposition was unnecessary and annoying.
GrimNecropolis: If you really must explain something, do so with more natural dialogue.
Khan: I really felt this entry's length. While it was quite good, there are ways to achieve the same result with fewer words, or by making a longer entry feel less bloated. My advice to you is to consider economy of language. Is there a way you can get the same concept across in fewer words? Occasionally you will come across an elegant sentence that you can't bear to edit down, but many times, a shorter, simpler approach is better. Remember, the stories typically get longer each round...
RobinRone: Improving the economy of language in your entries may be something to look into. Sometimes the content becomes reiterative, expressing the same concepts more than is really necessary.
TheBuggiest: Even if you needed to tell us his backstory, there has to be a sleeker yet just as riveting way to tell us without just writing the entire thing out in two chapters (this thing was very VERY long). Though I liked the insight into how the Book and Lyric reliving day after day were related, simply having Lady Ink tell us exactly what's going on felt a little lazy. Perhaps you could figure out some more creative ways to get vital information across.

Hotaru Fukushuu by Ted-The-Fish
Did well
Khan: You do an excellent job of painting colorful imagery with just a few words.
RobinRone: The rhythm of this story often has a nearly poetic cadence that creates a great mood.
TheBuggiest: Some of Hotaru's inner dialog contained interesting descriptions, especially at the beginning.
Needs work
Khan: A lot of questions go unanswered in this entry and the character sheet. Who are these dark ninja? Why do they sometimes help Hotaru and sometimes attack her? Are there multiple factions of dark ninja? Answering these questions can help flesh out your world and characterize the people living in them.
RobinRone: There is very little cause-and-effect applied to Hotaru or her backstory. Events often seem to happen for no particular reason, making it difficult for me to suspend my disbelief and enjoy the story.
TheBuggiest: The characterization fell flat, though my hopes weren't high when the profile said that 'all things Hotaru says are wise and true.' The unnecessary references to 'tables turning' and such things felt melodramatic and distracted from the story itself. There were also frequent distracting grammatical errors.

Campren McMillin aka Charley Campbell by TG-Garfieldo
Did well
AriadneArca: Awesome concept for a character, and what there was of the audition amused me.
GrimNecropolis: The author communicates a lot about the character (both, actually) with funny, concise-to-the-point-of-minimalist writing.
Khan: This is an incredible character design, definitely original, and something I want to see more of.
RobinRone: What an interesting and intriguing character! I love the concept here and would enjoy seeing it fleshed out.
TheBuggiest: I'll admit, the profile had me hooked with the interesting idea of the character. Despite the less-than-finished quality of the audition, I want to see what happens with Campren. The dialog wasn't bad either.
Needs work
AriadneArca: The writer didn't really give us much to go on here, so my "yes" is basically a gut feeling and the benefit of the doubt. I think this could be a fun character to follow, and will be watching carefully to make sure he proves it.
GrimNecropolis: The shortness of the narrative is ultimately unsatisfying.
Khan: This is something I want to see more of. I am hoping this will be extended past an outline, because in an actual round, something this short probably won't fly.
RobinRone: Unfortunately, the outline really doesn't do the character much justice, and I can't get much out of this other than the creative concept. One point for the creativity, but I don't have enough to evaluate storytelling or characterization.
TheBuggiest: It's, well, a barely fleshed out outline. I'll say time-management. That could be improved. Seriously, the only reason I'm giving this one a chance is the profile and the promise I see in Campren's construction.

Frederik by Tirrih
Did well
AriadneArca: The illustrated story was amusing, and Frederick is the most thoughtfully characterised zombie I've seen in a long while.
GrimNecropolis: Downright hilarious writing and a very endearing character.
Khan: Fred's world is fully realized, and while a lot of the information was extraneous, it all gave flavor to the setting, and ultimately, Fred himself. A very amusing entry, and I look forward to seeing more in the future.
RobinRone: This was a fantastically fun entry, and I do believe I have managed to concern my neighbors with the volume of my laughter. The illustrated story media was used to great effect, letting us see some wonderful expressions for great comedic moments, while letting the heavy lifting of exposition be handled by the prose.
TheBuggiest: The story was funny and enjoyable, and the world Fred lives in has been very well constructed. Fred himself is a surprisingly complex character.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Couple of grammar and spelling mistakes, but nothing major. I did feel that the entry could have been trimmed quite a bit; the length detracts from its effectiveness somewhat, especially as much of it was already included in detail in the character sheet.
GrimNecropolis: I'm worried about how the expository style and tell-not-show dialogue will fit into the OCT structure.
Khan: There were some spelling and grammatical errors, so I recommend getting an editor to look over your work before submitting it.
RobinRone: While always entertaining, this entry was long, and I'm concerned that the creator may become overwhelmed in later entries as the size of their story expands. Be aware of your pacing and pick your literary battles carefully.
TheBuggiest: Some of the art was a little sloppy, and there were some typos, but I can't think of much else.

Agatha by Rexoss
Did well
AriadneArca: Audition is very well balanced, and Agatha has clear barriers to overcome through her journey.
GrimNecropolis: Interesting character concept, and the writer made me feel for her.
Khan: For a ghost, Agatha seems remarkably fragile, only manifesting her more fearsome and expected persona wen interacting with mortals. I like this dichotomy, as it gives her character to work with in the future.
RobinRone: Agatha is a creative character that has a lot of mystery to her. Even better, she has a clear and interesting motive to drive her forward on her journey.
TheBuggiest: I got a good sense of who Agatha was through this entry. She is quite different from the other characters I've seen submitted so far, in more way than one. The use of a flash entry was nice.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Bit of an abrupt transfer from the man being scared to the town leaving - it's mostly due to the dramatic shift in tone between the two pieces. We jump from a gleefully malevolent Agatha to a crying, vulnerable one in the space between paragraphs, though showing us the conclusion of the encounter between Agatha and the drunkard may have helped.
GrimNecropolis: The interaction/dialogue between Agatha and Mudd does not communicate a strong sense of either character.
Khan: Agatha seems confused, and tends to waffle when making decisions, such as confronting Mudd. Did she have any reason not to approach him? If your character is hesitant, it helps to explain to us why. Otherwise we wonder what the holdup is.
RobinRone: The author relies very heavily on telling, rather than showing. Showing involves more sensory detail and reactions, rather than statements of fact, and can be used to create more interesting and rich prose. Consider the difference between the following two ways to portray confusion: (1) "She was confused." (2) "Agatha frowned, her brow furrowed as she contemplated the man's strange words."
TheBuggiest: Though I liked that Tofiman used flash, nothing was done with it that couldn't have been accomplished in a text document. The first scene wasn't connected to the rest of the story, which was a little confusing, and I don't know how the people leaving the town is connected to The Book becoming unwritten. Hopefully Tofiman can enlighten us as the tournament progresses.

GrimGrin by topios
Did well
AriadneArca: Very creative character, and enjoyable prose.
GrimNecropolis: Clever plot, interesting and creative character, and very enjoyable, poetic drawing/writing style.
Khan: What a fascinating character design. I love the sketched look of everything.
RobinRone: GrimGrin has an immensely creative character design, with enough unique personality traits to make him more than just a monster.
TheBuggiest: The level of creativity here is pretty intense. And I've got to say that I love how devious GrimGrin is, preying off of his cats like that. I got a good sense of his character and the artwork was enjoyable.
Needs work
AriadneArca: I had to stop and think through some stretches of the story to be sure I knew what was going on. And the last page completely threw me. He's... putting the page inside himself? It's not entirely clear. And what was he licking? His own goo? Why exactly has he suddenly decided to lick it? Can't have been the first time he's encountered his own goo before, surely? Unnecessary weirdness, I think...
GrimNecropolis: Character's personality, at least as communicated in the narrative, seems fairly uncomplicated. Very little character interaction.
Khan: Sometimes it is unclear exactly what is going on... and did I miss something? What are those cats?
RobinRone: Unfortunately, we didn't get much opportunity for character interaction in this audition, so it is difficult to say how OCs will be utilized. The entry worked with a lot of misdirection, which is great, but sometimes details just got confusing because they didn't seem to serve a purpose. The dead cat on GrimGin's back, for instance, still confuses me. What purpose did it serve? I've re-read it, and I'm still not really sure.
TheBuggiest: Eh, some parts of it were a little confusing, though reading the character sheet thoroughly cleared it up pretty well.

Geoffry Pierce by tweedandtea
Did well
AriadneArca: Skeptical history teacher on the far side of 5k years old... I like. You've characterised him well, and your prose is largely enjoyable to read. In particular, I liked the description of Geoffrey's entry into the Book.
GrimNecropolis: Pierce's character feels real and human, but still interesting enough to follow through an OCT. The writer's skill with words shines through.
Khan: Strong writing and good characterization make this a fun read.
RobinRone: Skilled use of subtle characterization. Author knows how to show us a character rather than tell us about them.
TheBuggiest: The characterization is great, and the premise of the character has been thoroughly explored.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Character's interaction with the world. There are a lot of moments in your story when I was pulled up sharply by Geoffrey's reaction to strange developments, or rather, lack of it. Characterisation of NPCs also needs work - Mudd was all but fired by Lady Ink for his lack of care in handling the Book, but the only thing casual about him here is his use of the word "Prof".
GrimNecropolis: The narrative pace, which started out comfortably slow, felt choppy and tonally jarring around the dialogue.
Khan: At times, I was confused, as explanatory sentences seemed to be missing. For example, Mudd calls Geoffrey a storyteller, and Geoffrey seems to take this as Mudd revealing his knowledge of his true nature. Again, when Mudd claims to be a keeper of the Book, it is described that he is shrugging something off. What exactly is he shrugging off? Also, I would love to know what Geoffrey's origins, pre-earth, are. Where did he come from? Why is he so long-lived?
RobinRone: The flow of the entry felt a little choppy and abrupt in some places, interrupting an otherwise smooth and enjoyable tale. A little more attention to rhythm could improve the work as a whole.
TheBuggiest: The references to literature and history might lose some readers (though it doesn't necessary need to be changed, it's just a note. In fact I liked them.) Otherwise... I suppose the flow could use a bit of attention.

Arriya Sthlele by TwistedKunoichi
Did well
AriadneArca: Nice touch adding the citizens' reactions to Arriya.
Khan: An interesting character. This entry was short, but well written.
RobinRone: I was impressed by how Arriya was characterized by the reactions of people around her, as well as by the little details of how she presented herself and the things she would notice.
Needs work
AriadneArca: This is a Goddess and her hands shake when she passes Mudd the earrings? And there's a definite lack of worldbuilding here, or, at least, lack of evidence for it.
Khan: I wish Arriya had been characterized more. We know so little of what her duties as a goddess are, or how she came to be one. Has she always been a goddess, or did she earn her position? Do people recognize and worship her on sight, or are they used to her walking among them? What is her relationship with her family? What is her world like? Obviously it had gods and goddesses, but technology as well. How has the world reconciled these? Answering these questions will help characterize Arriya and allow the reader to get into her headspace and sympathize with her.
RobinRone: This entry was very to the point, with not much time for creative story elements or subtle weaving of plot. I know that this was written in a rush, so I hope that you'll be able to make good use of more time to flesh out future stories.

Description
Comments, listed alphabetically by entrant. Since this was the audition phases, comments are in an abbreviated format.

Rupert and Luka by Spaceflight-Wyvern
Did well
AriadneArca: Characterisation was good all round. I liked the little tidbits about the world, and I also liked the humour in the writing, as well as Luka and Rupert's dysfunctional relationship, in particular the way that Luka doesn't let on much about how much she enjoys their friendship.
GrimNecropolis: Luka's interactions with other characters and her approach to life are enjoyable, and Rupert adds a whole other dimension.
Khan: A fascinating pair. I was caught up more and more as I read, and it was enthralling to see the world of mixed species.
RobinRone: The dynamic between Luka and Rupert is engaging and has enough affection to make sense, but enough tension to be interesting. Luka's curiosity and obsession with stories makes her an interesting addition to the realm of stories world, and I'm looking forward seeing how she takes to the tales in store for her.
TheBuggiest: The writing was smooth and easy to follow, the characters were well portrayed and bounced off each other in a nice fashion, and creativity was very evident.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Uhhh... I guess more details about the world could have been fun... uhhh...
GrimNecropolis: While the pace of the exposition was comfortable, I feel like the interaction with Mudd was not quite believable.
Khan: Why exactly did Mudd give Rupert the Function of Sight? Does he sense something in Rupert that makes that Function particularly thematic for him? This is a minor point, though.
RobinRone: I wished I could have had the chance to learn a little bit more about their world, which seemed set in the modern day, but with some very significant changes. Unfortunately, we probably won't have much opportunity in the future to learn more, but there may be other settings in the future that could do with more detail and attention.
TheBuggiest: I'd have liked to know what a stonekin was and perhaps some more details as to what their surroundings looked like. A little more description and imagery could help this quite a bit.

Azreal by Weavrrcat
Did well
AriadneArca: I like Azreal as a character; her grumpiness feels natural and not domineering.
GrimNecropolis: The character is a grouch, but she is so distinct and comical that she is a joy to watch.
Khan: Azreal definitely has a unique character design that I find intriguing. I want to know more about her origins and personality.
RobinRone: Azreal has a clear personality, with bits of color to add depth to her grumpy exterior.
TheBuggiest: I appreciated the creative character design, and Azreal was well portrayed. I enjoyed her interaction with Mudd.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Speech bubble placement is downright puzzling at times. The biggest problem is that often the two parts of the conversation are too far apart, meaning that I read one part of the conversation before realising that there is a series of responses that I should have been switching to at the same time. I also have very little idea of setting - where on earth are Azreal and Mudd?
GrimNecropolis: None of the other characters' personalities really shined.
Khan: Your dialogue could use a little more punch... While the dialogue in this entry served to both deliver exposition and characterization, I found it somewhat bland. If you can find a way to keep your text serving both purposes and make it exciting and fun to read, your entries will be much better.
RobinRone: The pacing of this entry felt disjointed, jumping from idea to idea without much connective tissue. There was never a "why" factor that was made clear, whether in body language or dialog. Why is Azreal sulking in an alley? I know that she is avoiding a ceremony, and that's fine, but what is it about her personality that creates that response? Does it remind her of something? Does she not like crowds? Is she ashamed? Why is she so aggressive towards strangers? Why does she decide to hear Mudd out? I feel like the addition of a single sentence, or a single silent panel to show an expression, could have done worlds of good to make the transitions in this piece feel connected and effective.
TheBuggiest: The bit at the beginning was confusing and could have used some further explanation of Azreal's background.

Ophelia and August by Second-Person-Point
Did well
AriadneArca: The dreamlike quality of the story seemed to fit Ophelia nicely. I like the complexity of the characters, in particular Ophelia's assumptions of her own wisdom.
Khan: These are some really complex characters with a wealth of history.
RobinRone: Wonderfully complicated characters with interesting twists. I enjoyed how they fit (and how they don't) as a pair of clashing personalities. There's a lot to play with, and lots of directions to go for future character growth.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Not much chance for characterisation in the audition, and it wasn't entirely clear how they entered the Book of Stories.
Khan: The entry itself was often confusing. It had a dreamlike quality, but had so few descriptions and was so short, that I missed when exactly they transported into the Book.
RobinRone: I got very lost by this entry, to the point where I had to take it on faith that they actually got where they needed to go. It started out strong, but your descriptions need to be much tighter if you're going to do something visual with words.

Telique Calenarien by ServantofSHEVAL
Did well
AriadneArca: Good read, and the discussion characterised both Telique and Ink well.
Khan: I liked the mixed media of this entry, and it's clear you put a lot of thought into this character and his background.
RobinRone: I liked Telique's unique bargain for entering the realm of stories, which provides a very different flavor of motivation than the typical hero trying to save the world.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Maybe a little bit of an issue with economy of language...?
Khan: I was a little confused as to what Lady Ink's second gift to Telique was... or why she felt he deserved it more than any of her other champions. Also, while your language was beautiful, it was overly long. I found myself slogging trough this entry by the end. Think about economy of language, and consider if there is a shorter way to communicate the same message.
RobinRone: You have given your character a lot of advantages, but he has yet to do much to earn them. Be careful that the gifts he has received do not become a short-cut to solutions.

Flume and Smarmadine by Star-Seal
Did well
AriadneArca: Nicely crafted prose and I love what the disposal of the Page said about Smarmadine, and what a problem he could pose to Flume in the future.
GrimNecropolis: Flume's history and culture provides a strong backbone to her character, and Star-Seal shows she can be very funny (that one page devoted entirely to the fish? killed me).
Khan: This was a wonderfully creative entry that felt like it had a lot of history and character. I also loved the fish.
RobinRone: Flume's species and world have a myriad of interesting details that the creator pulls from to effectively characterize each personality and define the context for character reactions.
TheBuggiest: Both the comic portions and the writing portions were well crafted. In the writing, I enjoyed the interesting juxtaposition choices and imagery, and the expressions of both characters in the drawn portions characterized them well. It alternated between funny and thoughtful in a pleasant way.
Needs work
AriadneArca: I'd have liked to see the text and comic portions better integrated with one another. I'm also still a little unsure about Flume's culture - "minimal propaganda and brainwashing" but few people object to sterilization/alien exploitation/the status quo? The audition seems to suggest that it's in their nature but I still can't work out whether it's something that could be changed or not - and it seems pretty central to who Flume is.
GrimNecropolis: Flume's character doesn't shine as an individual (although this makes sense in her case, I guess), and medium-switches made the pacing/flow feel disjointed.
Khan: Occasionally I got lost, or found it difficult to follow what was going on. I must have completely missed the transition between the ship and the Book, and the world description seemed to repeat itself. That may have been intentional, but I still found it a bit confusing.
RobinRone: Although I enjoy and encourage sensory details, in some sections the descriptions became overwhelming and I got a little lost. In particular, the section where Flume is inside the Book got a bit much, although this may have been done purposefully to convey how she felt at seeing a planet for the first time. If done on purpose, ignore this comment. If done on accident, keep a wary eye on the balance between simplicity and complexity in your prose.
TheBuggiest: The writing was a little difficult to follow at times, and some of the transitions between written portions and drawn were abrupt.

Sara Landwere and Marx Santos by supernova8041
Did well
AriadneArca: Sara's experience and Marx's empathy make them a very well-balanced pair, and their character interaction reflects this. I like the insight into the characters' work, as well as Marx's encounter with the pigeon spirit.
GrimNecropolis: Solid character writing, great dialogue, and the possibility of the characters' abilities failing promises to challenge and develop them.
Khan: You've obviously put a lot of thought into both the characters and their world, and it was nice to see such a rich environment. I also thought it was well plotted with little moments building up to reveals.
RobinRone: The dialog was particularly strong in this entry, serving to characterize Sara and Marx, as well as set the pacing and mood of each scene. I got a clear sense of their world, and where they felt their place was within it.
TheBuggiest: The characters felt very real, a good deal of thought and creativity were present, the writing was good, and I loved Mudd's characterization.
Needs work
AriadneArca: A lot could have been cut from this entry. The crawling-through-the-gateway scene was unnecessary, telling us nothing that we did not previously know from the characters' interactions, and the dialogue also drags on a bit in places.
GrimNecropolis: A lot of details and unnecessary description weighed down an otherwise stellar read.
Khan: At times, this entry dragged on. I felt that many sentences could have been cut completely without losing any of the story. Be aware that there is such a thing as too much description, and don't drive away your audience though sheer length.
RobinRone: There were many points in this entry where it could have concluded and lost nothing. The earlier prose was very effective in establishing the characters, but further scenes did not provide more information. When your writing is already strong, more is sometimes less.
TheBuggiest: Some of the dialog didn't feel strictly necessary and could have been trimmed to make this shorter. Also, it would be nice to have the paragraphs separated visually.

Adante and Vin by devSephirothsFlamedWing:
Did well
AriadneArca: Well thought-out characters, and a solid story.
GrimNecropolis: The characters have distinct personalities that will play off each other well.
Khan: A nice entry with solid artwork and detailed history.
RobinRone: This entry had me by the end of the character sheets, and the story was icing on the cake. I found both characters interesting, believable, and well-constructed, complete with strengths, weaknesses, and quirks that all tied into their personalities and histories.
TheBuggiest: Adante and Vin are fairly well characterized, along with Ink and Mudd.
Needs work
AriadneArca: It's a promising start, but we only really saw the most simple aspects of the duo's personalities in the audition. On an artistic note, watch your anatomy - the figures of the characters tended to slip out of proportion.
GrimNecropolis: The other characters aren't as well characterized, and Adante seems to have a habit of outright explaining how he feels to the reader.
Khan: While this entry has no overt weaknesses, I'd still like to get to know the principle characters a bit more. As of now, they seem a little generic to me. A few more interactions with other characters might fix this problem.
RobinRone: Since this is an intro, it understandably leaned on exposition quite heavily, particularly from Lady Ink. Be careful not to rely on heavy dialog boxes too often, or this may become a crutch!
TheBuggiest: This story didn't really grab me; it seems like a pretty typical fantasy without much to set it apart. The format of the comic was often confusing, especially in the placement of the speech bubbles.

Sir Gerhart Lautz by T-Finbo
Did well
AriadneArca: Interesting character, and the audition was well-written and portrayed his character and the personalities of those around him appropriately.
GrimNecropolis: The narration has a lighthearted yet melancholy tone that's easy to sympathize with, and the concept is creative.
Khan: What an interesting and compelling character design.
RobinRone: I love all the sensory detail included in this entry, which serves not only to paint the scene for the reader, but also emphasizes the experiences Lautz is denied due to his unique form. A variety of situations and character interactions gave us a good feel for the OC and highlighted on his good and bad traits.
TheBuggiest: Very good characterization, and not just for Lautz. The writing was well-paced and flowed well. The descriptions were nice as well.
Needs work
AriadneArca: No obvious flaws, of ability or of personality.
GrimNecropolis: The character's personality lacks depth--it's confined to the flawless, noble "rebellious prince" archetype.
Khan: An editor can really help you get the most out of your story and smooth out any spelling errors.
RobinRone: Sometimes there were shifts in tone that were jarring. For example, the phrase "freaked out" seems uncharacteristically modern in a more medieval setting, and it momentarily took me out of the story. Being aware of the language that your own characters might be familiar with can help you characterize them AND their world more consistently.
TheBuggiest: The bit at the end concerning the Book and where Lautz ended up was a bit devoid of description, which was odd considering how well the author did with this earlier in the entry.

Ave and Axis by Teal-and-Coral
Did well
AriadneArca: I liked the descriptions in the opening paragraph, and there's a nice balance of focus between character and setting here.
GrimNecropolis: The characters are of the same "family" yet totally different in most respects--they would play off each other interestingly.
Khan: This was a well written entry with good imagery. I particularly liked the opening with the ash as Ave was waking up.
RobinRone: The story gave me a good feel of the characters and how they would respond to different situations and people.

Needs work
AriadneArca: The characters' reactions to the world they're in just don't convince me. Ave's "optimism", for example, just comes across as callousness here. It doesn't seem realistic that he would be able to take the philosophical (and selfish) view that he at least was still alive, when his village is probably burned to the ground and his telepathy, which has accompanied him all his life, can't hear any voices but Axis'. If he didn't realise exactly how grave the situation was, this would be a plausible reaction, but you make it clear that he's not blind to it.
GrimNecropolis: Characters' personalities are summed up without drawing on dialogue or actions.
Khan: My biggest concern about this entry was the principle characters' lack of concern for their pack after a devastating attack. I'd have expected Axis and Ave to have stayed behind and looked for survivors before jumping into the Book, particularly since they were never told how dire the Book's crisis is.
RobinRone: Although there is plenty of material here that should make these characters unique, their world and history wasn't fleshed out enough to really make it distinct. Instead, Ave and Axis came across as a little generic. I hope to see them rounded out a further in the future.

Lyric by Murphyslaw159
Did well
AriadneArca: I liked the Lyric that we saw in the first part of the entry, and am really interested to see where twenty years of madness has taken him. Very enjoyable story that ties in perfectly to the Book of Stories.
GrimNecropolis: I like Lyric--a tortured, complex, paradoxical character with an epic story seamlessly fused into that of the book. The writing style captures his personality well.
Khan: I thought this entry started out a bit generic, but it really gained character and momentum by the end. It's clear that you really thought through the consequences of the Book's unraveling on your world.
RobinRone: Lyric has a compelling motivation for entering the book, and I am interested in seeing where the author takes The Song and Lyric's quest.
TheBuggiest: Lyric is an interesting character caught up in an interesting problem that is interestingly linked to the Book of Stories. The reader is really drawn into his suffering during the descriptions of how the Song has possessed him.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Give your audience some credit! Lady Ink's exposition was unnecessary and annoying.
GrimNecropolis: If you really must explain something, do so with more natural dialogue.
Khan: I really felt this entry's length. While it was quite good, there are ways to achieve the same result with fewer words, or by making a longer entry feel less bloated. My advice to you is to consider economy of language. Is there a way you can get the same concept across in fewer words? Occasionally you will come across an elegant sentence that you can't bear to edit down, but many times, a shorter, simpler approach is better. Remember, the stories typically get longer each round...
RobinRone: Improving the economy of language in your entries may be something to look into. Sometimes the content becomes reiterative, expressing the same concepts more than is really necessary.
TheBuggiest: Even if you needed to tell us his backstory, there has to be a sleeker yet just as riveting way to tell us without just writing the entire thing out in two chapters (this thing was very VERY long). Though I liked the insight into how the Book and Lyric reliving day after day were related, simply having Lady Ink tell us exactly what's going on felt a little lazy. Perhaps you could figure out some more creative ways to get vital information across.

Hotaru Fukushuu by Ted-The-Fish
Did well
Khan: You do an excellent job of painting colorful imagery with just a few words.
RobinRone: The rhythm of this story often has a nearly poetic cadence that creates a great mood.
TheBuggiest: Some of Hotaru's inner dialog contained interesting descriptions, especially at the beginning.
Needs work
Khan: A lot of questions go unanswered in this entry and the character sheet. Who are these dark ninja? Why do they sometimes help Hotaru and sometimes attack her? Are there multiple factions of dark ninja? Answering these questions can help flesh out your world and characterize the people living in them.
RobinRone: There is very little cause-and-effect applied to Hotaru or her backstory. Events often seem to happen for no particular reason, making it difficult for me to suspend my disbelief and enjoy the story.
TheBuggiest: The characterization fell flat, though my hopes weren't high when the profile said that 'all things Hotaru says are wise and true.' The unnecessary references to 'tables turning' and such things felt melodramatic and distracted from the story itself. There were also frequent distracting grammatical errors.

Campren McMillin aka Charley Campbell by TG-Garfieldo
Did well
AriadneArca: Awesome concept for a character, and what there was of the audition amused me.
GrimNecropolis: The author communicates a lot about the character (both, actually) with funny, concise-to-the-point-of-minimalist writing.
Khan: This is an incredible character design, definitely original, and something I want to see more of.
RobinRone: What an interesting and intriguing character! I love the concept here and would enjoy seeing it fleshed out.
TheBuggiest: I'll admit, the profile had me hooked with the interesting idea of the character. Despite the less-than-finished quality of the audition, I want to see what happens with Campren. The dialog wasn't bad either.
Needs work
AriadneArca: The writer didn't really give us much to go on here, so my "yes" is basically a gut feeling and the benefit of the doubt. I think this could be a fun character to follow, and will be watching carefully to make sure he proves it.
GrimNecropolis: The shortness of the narrative is ultimately unsatisfying.
Khan: This is something I want to see more of. I am hoping this will be extended past an outline, because in an actual round, something this short probably won't fly.
RobinRone: Unfortunately, the outline really doesn't do the character much justice, and I can't get much out of this other than the creative concept. One point for the creativity, but I don't have enough to evaluate storytelling or characterization.
TheBuggiest: It's, well, a barely fleshed out outline. I'll say time-management. That could be improved. Seriously, the only reason I'm giving this one a chance is the profile and the promise I see in Campren's construction.

Frederik by Tirrih
Did well
AriadneArca: The illustrated story was amusing, and Frederick is the most thoughtfully characterised zombie I've seen in a long while.
GrimNecropolis: Downright hilarious writing and a very endearing character.
Khan: Fred's world is fully realized, and while a lot of the information was extraneous, it all gave flavor to the setting, and ultimately, Fred himself. A very amusing entry, and I look forward to seeing more in the future.
RobinRone: This was a fantastically fun entry, and I do believe I have managed to concern my neighbors with the volume of my laughter. The illustrated story media was used to great effect, letting us see some wonderful expressions for great comedic moments, while letting the heavy lifting of exposition be handled by the prose.
TheBuggiest: The story was funny and enjoyable, and the world Fred lives in has been very well constructed. Fred himself is a surprisingly complex character.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Couple of grammar and spelling mistakes, but nothing major. I did feel that the entry could have been trimmed quite a bit; the length detracts from its effectiveness somewhat, especially as much of it was already included in detail in the character sheet.
GrimNecropolis: I'm worried about how the expository style and tell-not-show dialogue will fit into the OCT structure.
Khan: There were some spelling and grammatical errors, so I recommend getting an editor to look over your work before submitting it.
RobinRone: While always entertaining, this entry was long, and I'm concerned that the creator may become overwhelmed in later entries as the size of their story expands. Be aware of your pacing and pick your literary battles carefully.
TheBuggiest: Some of the art was a little sloppy, and there were some typos, but I can't think of much else.

Agatha by Rexoss
Did well
AriadneArca: Audition is very well balanced, and Agatha has clear barriers to overcome through her journey.
GrimNecropolis: Interesting character concept, and the writer made me feel for her.
Khan: For a ghost, Agatha seems remarkably fragile, only manifesting her more fearsome and expected persona wen interacting with mortals. I like this dichotomy, as it gives her character to work with in the future.
RobinRone: Agatha is a creative character that has a lot of mystery to her. Even better, she has a clear and interesting motive to drive her forward on her journey.
TheBuggiest: I got a good sense of who Agatha was through this entry. She is quite different from the other characters I've seen submitted so far, in more way than one. The use of a flash entry was nice.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Bit of an abrupt transfer from the man being scared to the town leaving - it's mostly due to the dramatic shift in tone between the two pieces. We jump from a gleefully malevolent Agatha to a crying, vulnerable one in the space between paragraphs, though showing us the conclusion of the encounter between Agatha and the drunkard may have helped.
GrimNecropolis: The interaction/dialogue between Agatha and Mudd does not communicate a strong sense of either character.
Khan: Agatha seems confused, and tends to waffle when making decisions, such as confronting Mudd. Did she have any reason not to approach him? If your character is hesitant, it helps to explain to us why. Otherwise we wonder what the holdup is.
RobinRone: The author relies very heavily on telling, rather than showing. Showing involves more sensory detail and reactions, rather than statements of fact, and can be used to create more interesting and rich prose. Consider the difference between the following two ways to portray confusion: (1) "She was confused." (2) "Agatha frowned, her brow furrowed as she contemplated the man's strange words."
TheBuggiest: Though I liked that Tofiman used flash, nothing was done with it that couldn't have been accomplished in a text document. The first scene wasn't connected to the rest of the story, which was a little confusing, and I don't know how the people leaving the town is connected to The Book becoming unwritten. Hopefully Tofiman can enlighten us as the tournament progresses.

GrimGrin by topios
Did well
AriadneArca: Very creative character, and enjoyable prose.
GrimNecropolis: Clever plot, interesting and creative character, and very enjoyable, poetic drawing/writing style.
Khan: What a fascinating character design. I love the sketched look of everything.
RobinRone: GrimGrin has an immensely creative character design, with enough unique personality traits to make him more than just a monster.
TheBuggiest: The level of creativity here is pretty intense. And I've got to say that I love how devious GrimGrin is, preying off of his cats like that. I got a good sense of his character and the artwork was enjoyable.
Needs work
AriadneArca: I had to stop and think through some stretches of the story to be sure I knew what was going on. And the last page completely threw me. He's... putting the page inside himself? It's not entirely clear. And what was he licking? His own goo? Why exactly has he suddenly decided to lick it? Can't have been the first time he's encountered his own goo before, surely? Unnecessary weirdness, I think...
GrimNecropolis: Character's personality, at least as communicated in the narrative, seems fairly uncomplicated. Very little character interaction.
Khan: Sometimes it is unclear exactly what is going on... and did I miss something? What are those cats?
RobinRone: Unfortunately, we didn't get much opportunity for character interaction in this audition, so it is difficult to say how OCs will be utilized. The entry worked with a lot of misdirection, which is great, but sometimes details just got confusing because they didn't seem to serve a purpose. The dead cat on GrimGin's back, for instance, still confuses me. What purpose did it serve? I've re-read it, and I'm still not really sure.
TheBuggiest: Eh, some parts of it were a little confusing, though reading the character sheet thoroughly cleared it up pretty well.

Geoffry Pierce by tweedandtea
Did well
AriadneArca: Skeptical history teacher on the far side of 5k years old... I like. You've characterised him well, and your prose is largely enjoyable to read. In particular, I liked the description of Geoffrey's entry into the Book.
GrimNecropolis: Pierce's character feels real and human, but still interesting enough to follow through an OCT. The writer's skill with words shines through.
Khan: Strong writing and good characterization make this a fun read.
RobinRone: Skilled use of subtle characterization. Author knows how to show us a character rather than tell us about them.
TheBuggiest: The characterization is great, and the premise of the character has been thoroughly explored.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Character's interaction with the world. There are a lot of moments in your story when I was pulled up sharply by Geoffrey's reaction to strange developments, or rather, lack of it. Characterisation of NPCs also needs work - Mudd was all but fired by Lady Ink for his lack of care in handling the Book, but the only thing casual about him here is his use of the word "Prof".
GrimNecropolis: The narrative pace, which started out comfortably slow, felt choppy and tonally jarring around the dialogue.
Khan: At times, I was confused, as explanatory sentences seemed to be missing. For example, Mudd calls Geoffrey a storyteller, and Geoffrey seems to take this as Mudd revealing his knowledge of his true nature. Again, when Mudd claims to be a keeper of the Book, it is described that he is shrugging something off. What exactly is he shrugging off? Also, I would love to know what Geoffrey's origins, pre-earth, are. Where did he come from? Why is he so long-lived?
RobinRone: The flow of the entry felt a little choppy and abrupt in some places, interrupting an otherwise smooth and enjoyable tale. A little more attention to rhythm could improve the work as a whole.
TheBuggiest: The references to literature and history might lose some readers (though it doesn't necessary need to be changed, it's just a note. In fact I liked them.) Otherwise... I suppose the flow could use a bit of attention.

Arriya Sthlele by TwistedKunoichi
Did well
AriadneArca: Nice touch adding the citizens' reactions to Arriya.
Khan: An interesting character. This entry was short, but well written.
RobinRone: I was impressed by how Arriya was characterized by the reactions of people around her, as well as by the little details of how she presented herself and the things she would notice.
Needs work
AriadneArca: This is a Goddess and her hands shake when she passes Mudd the earrings? And there's a definite lack of worldbuilding here, or, at least, lack of evidence for it.
Khan: I wish Arriya had been characterized more. We know so little of what her duties as a goddess are, or how she came to be one. Has she always been a goddess, or did she earn her position? Do people recognize and worship her on sight, or are they used to her walking among them? What is her relationship with her family? What is her world like? Obviously it had gods and goddesses, but technology as well. How has the world reconciled these? Answering these questions will help characterize Arriya and allow the reader to get into her headspace and sympathize with her.
RobinRone: This entry was very to the point, with not much time for creative story elements or subtle weaving of plot. I know that this was written in a rush, so I hope that you'll be able to make good use of more time to flesh out future stories.