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Description
Last year, I was made aware of Self-Harm Awareness Day on March 1st. I felt like it would be appropriate of me this year to talk about my experiences with self-harm, even if this will be one of the hardest art pieces I will ever do emotionally because I can still struggle deeply with feeling embarrassed about my vulnerability.  It is something I have alluded to in the past, but with my psychological progress, I feel like I am ready to admit it to being a part of myself and my past.

I wanted to give a particular shout-out to my friend's past deviations Pokemon Tales-Emotional Overload and Rain because they have inspired me to be more personal with some of my art pieces for the future.  I wanted to also mention these heartwrenching, but well-made songs on YouTube that I still turn to for catharsis since some of the subjects alluded to the lyrics are very personal for me: JaidenAnimation's "Empty " and illymation's "Beautiful? ".

NOTE: I'm going to go more in-depth about my past with self-harm, so you can skip this next section if you are still uncomfortable with the subject. However, I would still encourage you to read this because I do deconstruct some of the harmful misconceptions and stereotypes of self-harm. In short, I am a living testament to someone who has recovered from this awful coping mechanism (ever since February 2018!).

-------------------------------------------------------------

I began self-harming periodically when I was in middle school once a "voice" in my head began saying "what if?" to release onto myself. I was shaken up by some events in my public school that made my parents decide that my brother and I needed to go a different school. And not just any school: a private school (for a better education). I was plopped into a completely different social environment, where the classes were so small that you generally stayed with the same group of people throughout. Though I eventually found a friend group (that would later become toxic sadly ), I was dealing with fresh insecurities about my appearance, my quirks, and my geekier interests (no doubt, in part to some of the subtle, perfectionist tendencies lurking in the background in different areas of my life). I particularly felt uncomfortable with people poking/teasing me at the fact that I was going through puberty earlier than most and how I was seen as bit of a goody-goody. This lead to me doing my first (and most common) method of self-harm: raking my nails across my skin until it was pink with irritation and I had skin flakes under my fingernails.

However, it wasn't until towards the end of high school that I started to get more trapped in the cycle of emotional pain > frustration and guilt over my feelings and ‘weaknesses’ > self-harm > relief > shame and fatigue that those using poor coping mechanisms fall into without realizing. As an outlet (particularly for grounding myself against growing anxiety that I didn't understand or know how to deal with), the main reason I self-harmed was to punish myself for all of the anxiety and negativity I felt. I felt like I had to discipline myself for being so "weak" and for being such a "defective" person for feeling what I felt and looking the way I did. The common places I self-harmed were on my thighs, stomach, and back because they were the parts of me that I hated and that I could hide.  You see, I was overweight from high school to my heaviest weight in the first year of university. When my mood swings inevitably became worse and I had mean social things happen that broke my heart, I added a variety of other methods to my disposal whilst scratching myself more often and more aggressively across my hidden body parts. This included: pinching my skin until a mark was there for the rest of the day, pulling on my hair, picking at my cuticles, banging my head against the wall, and heavily slapping myself in the face multiple times.

It took my growing inner turmoil over late 2017-early 2018 for me to realize how serious my problems were, when coupled with a greater understanding of anxiety episodes (that may or may not be part of my family history). It became clearer to me that my mood disregulation and non-existent self-esteem had become directly related to this habit (when coupled with isolation, repression, and emotional eating). The nightmarish part of my self-harm, and the thing I find the hardest to admit... was that during a particularly low moment in my life, I was VERY close to starting to cut and carve my skin with sharp objects like scissors because I started having ghastly intrusive thoughts of slicing up and contorting my own body to cope after I had reached a breaking point in my overall health.  I still vividly remember running out of my room terrified after I had the pair of scissors in my hand, and having to call my family to calm down.

There are many misconceptions surrounding self-harm that I want to deconstruct because I know these aspects of self-harm can seem "crazy"/"weird" and the negative public mentality was part of the reason why I kept my "habit" a secret from everyone for so long :

1) Self-harm is not reserved for "crazy people". It is sadly not uncommon, and spans across all categories of people like age, gender, health history, race, lifestyle, and socioeconomic status.
2) There is more to self-harm than cutting or burning yourself, though those happen to be the most severe and publicized forms of it. Any behaviour that you do on purpose to physically hurt yourself to relieve yourself is self-harm. This includes, but is not limited to: scratching, pinching, skin-picking, banging or punching objects or walls, ripping off scabs or obstructing wound healing, carving symbols/words into the skin, self-burning, and hair-pulling.
3) Self-harm is NOT a precursor to suicide. It can, however, be tied into, and emphasize feelings and thoughts that could drive you to suicide if one is not careful. Hurting yourself is NOT about wanting to end your life: it is a bad coping mechanism of dealing with distress AND is the worst kind of mindfulness you commit to in trying to bring yourself back to reality.
4) Self-harm is (usually) NOT for attention. It is a deeply private act that is attached to feelings of shame because you know what you are doing is "wrong" and there is the stigma attached to it if you admit it. If it is ever done in front of others, it is then an indirect or direct “cry for help”.
5) Self-harm is NOT something that goes away on its own. If they don't get proper help, depending on the person, they could continue to engage in the habit even when they have therapy and medication or go through ‘phases’ of recovery and relapse.

It became clear to me in my recovery that my self-harm was also related to how I (initially) reacted to physical vs. emotional pain. Physical pain felt more "real" and valid to me than the emotional pain that I thought came from me being "too sensitive" and "broken".  Thankfully, with time, healthy coping mechanisms, and different therapy settings, I have improved my self-esteem, gotten physically stronger while losing ~40 pounds slowly in a natural fashion, and have improved my life's direction to a more positive one with healthier environments.  That said, I will always be saddened by depictions of self-harm and irritated by those who chastise self-harm because the subject remains very personal to me.

I felt like I needed to make this for closure and for targeting the taboo nature of this topic. Having gone through self-harm in the past seems so surreal to me because a part of me still wants to deny that it ever happened (that I’m just playing up something in my past, when in fact it was my "dirty secret" for a long time ). Unfortunately, the urge to self-harm will never really go away completely; you will always be tempted to go back to that awful habit when your emotions and life are going haywire. I am now more likely to admit if I feel poorly to those I love and trust, even when it is still a struggle to do so. I am learning to take care of my emotions more proactively while not expecting anyone to "fix" them.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Like an addiction, the act of self-harm and your negativity feed in to each other: the longer you use that method as a way to regulate your emotions and deal with your suffering, the more that method will begin to fade in terms of the desired effect. This is why people (like I did) move on to more hurtful methods and greater severity over time, even adopting multiple methods at their disposal.

I'm here to let you know that people who do or who have self-harmed are not "defective" or "messed up". We're people that are just trying to cope with our painful experiences and unhealthy environments, and need the right support and care to recover. If you self-harm, there IS help. You CAN get through it and find better ways to cope with what you are feeling. Though you cannot control what you feel, you do have to take responsibility for how you will deal with your flaws and emotions. If I can do it, then you definitely can!

If you would like any additional resources for yourself or someone you know who has dealt with or is currently dealing with self-harm, I would recommend the following resources below:
Canadian Mental Health Association: cmha.bc.ca/documents/self-harm…
We need to talk about self-harm: happiful.com/we-need-to-talk-a…
10 Ways People Self-Harm / Self-Injure: www.healthyplace.com/abuse/sel…
Myths and Facts About Self-Injury: health.usnews.com/health-news/…
Cutting and Self-Harm: www.helpguide.org/articles/anx…
The truth about self-harm: www.mentalhealth.org.uk/public…
Distraction Techniques and Alternative Coping Strategies: www.selfinjury.bctr.cornell.ed…
If you are interested in seeing more personal depictions and explanations of self-harm, here are videos below if you can stomach the content:
"Why I Cut" = www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUBBb8…
"Why Self-Harm is Not the Answer" = www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoHaKK…
"My Struggle with Self Harm" = www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qu_HGK…
We All Have Urges - Breaking the Stigma of Self-Injury: www.thelilyjoproject.com/2020/…

Description
Last year, I was made aware of Self-Harm Awareness Day on March 1st. I felt like it would be appropriate of me this year to talk about my experiences with self-harm, even if this will be one of the hardest art pieces I will ever do emotionally because I can still struggle deeply with feeling embarrassed about my vulnerability.  It is something I have alluded to in the past, but with my psychological progress, I feel like I am ready to admit it to being a part of myself and my past.

I wanted to give a particular shout-out to my friend's past deviations Pokemon Tales-Emotional Overload and Rain because they have inspired me to be more personal with some of my art pieces for the future.  I wanted to also mention these heartwrenching, but well-made songs on YouTube that I still turn to for catharsis since some of the subjects alluded to the lyrics are very personal for me: JaidenAnimation's "Empty " and illymation's "Beautiful? ".

NOTE: I'm going to go more in-depth about my past with self-harm, so you can skip this next section if you are still uncomfortable with the subject. However, I would still encourage you to read this because I do deconstruct some of the harmful misconceptions and stereotypes of self-harm. In short, I am a living testament to someone who has recovered from this awful coping mechanism (ever since February 2018!).

-------------------------------------------------------------

I began self-harming periodically when I was in middle school once a "voice" in my head began saying "what if?" to release onto myself. I was shaken up by some events in my public school that made my parents decide that my brother and I needed to go a different school. And not just any school: a private school (for a better education). I was plopped into a completely different social environment, where the classes were so small that you generally stayed with the same group of people throughout. Though I eventually found a friend group (that would later become toxic sadly ), I was dealing with fresh insecurities about my appearance, my quirks, and my geekier interests (no doubt, in part to some of the subtle, perfectionist tendencies lurking in the background in different areas of my life). I particularly felt uncomfortable with people poking/teasing me at the fact that I was going through puberty earlier than most and how I was seen as bit of a goody-goody. This lead to me doing my first (and most common) method of self-harm: raking my nails across my skin until it was pink with irritation and I had skin flakes under my fingernails.

However, it wasn't until towards the end of high school that I started to get more trapped in the cycle of emotional pain > frustration and guilt over my feelings and ‘weaknesses’ > self-harm > relief > shame and fatigue that those using poor coping mechanisms fall into without realizing. As an outlet (particularly for grounding myself against growing anxiety that I didn't understand or know how to deal with), the main reason I self-harmed was to punish myself for all of the anxiety and negativity I felt. I felt like I had to discipline myself for being so "weak" and for being such a "defective" person for feeling what I felt and looking the way I did. The common places I self-harmed were on my thighs, stomach, and back because they were the parts of me that I hated and that I could hide.  You see, I was overweight from high school to my heaviest weight in the first year of university. When my mood swings inevitably became worse and I had mean social things happen that broke my heart, I added a variety of other methods to my disposal whilst scratching myself more often and more aggressively across my hidden body parts. This included: pinching my skin until a mark was there for the rest of the day, pulling on my hair, picking at my cuticles, banging my head against the wall, and heavily slapping myself in the face multiple times.

It took my growing inner turmoil over late 2017-early 2018 for me to realize how serious my problems were, when coupled with a greater understanding of anxiety episodes (that may or may not be part of my family history). It became clearer to me that my mood disregulation and non-existent self-esteem had become directly related to this habit (when coupled with isolation, repression, and emotional eating). The nightmarish part of my self-harm, and the thing I find the hardest to admit... was that during a particularly low moment in my life, I was VERY close to starting to cut and carve my skin with sharp objects like scissors because I started having ghastly intrusive thoughts of slicing up and contorting my own body to cope after I had reached a breaking point in my overall health.  I still vividly remember running out of my room terrified after I had the pair of scissors in my hand, and having to call my family to calm down.

There are many misconceptions surrounding self-harm that I want to deconstruct because I know these aspects of self-harm can seem "crazy"/"weird" and the negative public mentality was part of the reason why I kept my "habit" a secret from everyone for so long :

1) Self-harm is not reserved for "crazy people". It is sadly not uncommon, and spans across all categories of people like age, gender, health history, race, lifestyle, and socioeconomic status.
2) There is more to self-harm than cutting or burning yourself, though those happen to be the most severe and publicized forms of it. Any behaviour that you do on purpose to physically hurt yourself to relieve yourself is self-harm. This includes, but is not limited to: scratching, pinching, skin-picking, banging or punching objects or walls, ripping off scabs or obstructing wound healing, carving symbols/words into the skin, self-burning, and hair-pulling.
3) Self-harm is NOT a precursor to suicide. It can, however, be tied into, and emphasize feelings and thoughts that could drive you to suicide if one is not careful. Hurting yourself is NOT about wanting to end your life: it is a bad coping mechanism of dealing with distress AND is the worst kind of mindfulness you commit to in trying to bring yourself back to reality.
4) Self-harm is (usually) NOT for attention. It is a deeply private act that is attached to feelings of shame because you know what you are doing is "wrong" and there is the stigma attached to it if you admit it. If it is ever done in front of others, it is then an indirect or direct “cry for help”.
5) Self-harm is NOT something that goes away on its own. If they don't get proper help, depending on the person, they could continue to engage in the habit even when they have therapy and medication or go through ‘phases’ of recovery and relapse.

It became clear to me in my recovery that my self-harm was also related to how I (initially) reacted to physical vs. emotional pain. Physical pain felt more "real" and valid to me than the emotional pain that I thought came from me being "too sensitive" and "broken".  Thankfully, with time, healthy coping mechanisms, and different therapy settings, I have improved my self-esteem, gotten physically stronger while losing ~40 pounds slowly in a natural fashion, and have improved my life's direction to a more positive one with healthier environments.  That said, I will always be saddened by depictions of self-harm and irritated by those who chastise self-harm because the subject remains very personal to me.

I felt like I needed to make this for closure and for targeting the taboo nature of this topic. Having gone through self-harm in the past seems so surreal to me because a part of me still wants to deny that it ever happened (that I’m just playing up something in my past, when in fact it was my "dirty secret" for a long time ). Unfortunately, the urge to self-harm will never really go away completely; you will always be tempted to go back to that awful habit when your emotions and life are going haywire. I am now more likely to admit if I feel poorly to those I love and trust, even when it is still a struggle to do so. I am learning to take care of my emotions more proactively while not expecting anyone to "fix" them.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Like an addiction, the act of self-harm and your negativity feed in to each other: the longer you use that method as a way to regulate your emotions and deal with your suffering, the more that method will begin to fade in terms of the desired effect. This is why people (like I did) move on to more hurtful methods and greater severity over time, even adopting multiple methods at their disposal.

I'm here to let you know that people who do or who have self-harmed are not "defective" or "messed up". We're people that are just trying to cope with our painful experiences and unhealthy environments, and need the right support and care to recover. If you self-harm, there IS help. You CAN get through it and find better ways to cope with what you are feeling. Though you cannot control what you feel, you do have to take responsibility for how you will deal with your flaws and emotions. If I can do it, then you definitely can!

If you would like any additional resources for yourself or someone you know who has dealt with or is currently dealing with self-harm, I would recommend the following resources below:
Canadian Mental Health Association: cmha.bc.ca/documents/self-harm…
We need to talk about self-harm: happiful.com/we-need-to-talk-a…
10 Ways People Self-Harm / Self-Injure: www.healthyplace.com/abuse/sel…
Myths and Facts About Self-Injury: health.usnews.com/health-news/…
Cutting and Self-Harm: www.helpguide.org/articles/anx…
The truth about self-harm: www.mentalhealth.org.uk/public…
Distraction Techniques and Alternative Coping Strategies: www.selfinjury.bctr.cornell.ed…
If you are interested in seeing more personal depictions and explanations of self-harm, here are videos below if you can stomach the content:
"Why I Cut" = www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUBBb8…
"Why Self-Harm is Not the Answer" = www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoHaKK…
"My Struggle with Self Harm" = www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qu_HGK…
We All Have Urges - Breaking the Stigma of Self-Injury: www.thelilyjoproject.com/2020/…