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saevuswinds — Faces
Published: 2014-07-22 20:44:14 +0000 UTC; Views: 276; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 0
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Description
i am bewildered by your lipswhich are the shape of
autumn dogwood leaves
which curl upon calling my name.
you say the blemishes on my face
are constellations
guiding yourself to the vastness
of my dark eyes
but still we gaze in
different directions
for me,
the growing soil
for you,
beyond the exosphere.
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Comments: 8
First of all, I was immediately caught by the description in the first stanza--you snag us with a very unique simile that gives the piece a distinct voice, despite it being a love poem (or so it appears).
The description in the second stanza is just as nice, very lovely imagery there. However, at this point, I'm lost on whom you're speaking to. You refer to this audience (the one mentioned with the autumn dogwood lips) as a "you", yet you say "guiding him". Are you discussing two different people? That's just a little confusing.
I gave your technique three stars because of one main reason, and that's your line breaks. While this poem does not end positively, the first two stanzas are about connection and beauty, and do not seem like somewhere you want tension. Your enjambment is creating that tension. With line breaks, ending in the middle of a sentence (if it's not a caesura like a comma or other natural pause) forces the reader to mentally stop in their head, and go to the next line to figure out what you're trying to portray. Whether realized or not, this creates a negative tension in the reader that I think would work REALLY well in the final stanza (where you seem to have a bit of a tonal twist), and in any other expansion on the negatively themed ending.
In order to fix this I suggest making "i am bewildered by your lips" one line and things like "which curl upon calling my name" one line. Same with "the blemishes on my face". If you were, however, looking for that negative tension in the first place and I am misinterpreting, I'd suggest rougher diction in the first two stanzas (I don't think you were intending those to be tense or negative though).
Finally, you mentioned that you were wondering if the piece is too short and whether or not the ending is weak. I don't feel that the ending is weak, exactly, however, I feel the brevity of the piece may be muddling its intent. I feel you may need a transitional stanza between the second and third one, however, this is one of those decisions that's sort of a 50/50 action and may or may not work, that's all your decision. I feel the final three lines may hold some personal mystery and therefore, may come across too abstract or unclear to the reader, that may just be me. I think what I'm wanting to know is if you are both gazing at each other, be it looking at the lips, the eyes, or just complimenting each other, what's keeping you gazing in those different directions? Is there a hindrance? If you're willing to subtlety reveal this I think it would help clarify your intent as well as lengthen the piece, if you wish.
Finally, I feel the "soil" and the "exosphere" are meant to display a contrast, but is there any symbolism in it? There's honestly nothing wrong with these lines and I'm not criticizing them, I'm honestly just curious because I'm afraid I'M the one not catching something.
Good gracious this is long, but let me just say that altogether this is a very nice piece, the imagery is lovely and I especially like the tonal shift at the end. Keep it up!
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Thank you so much!!!! You were completely right, and I am DEFINITELY taking notes.
The "him" was a typo, and the reason why I made those line breaks was because I was worried my lines would be too long otherwise. Would adding commas help this, or is the format required to be shifted completely? Also--I personally hate the last stanza. I had no idea how to tie it together. Maybe the second and third stanza need a stanza between them--showing a steady decay of the relationship. Unlike my usual, there's no symbolism other than the fact the "i" sees nature on the ground to describe "you", and the "you" sees nature out in space used to describe "i". I've been in THE WORST block...I was trying to get back my imagery writing with some poetry.
I feel like another reason why I personally dislike this poem is also because none of it is true at all. It seems flowery and fake.
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Commas would help but only in appropriate places! That would make the lines end in caesuras (pauses) and I think would help ease the tension of the piece. I do, however, suggest that you keep those enjambed breaks near the end, because that seems to be your turning point.
You may also want to include that new middle stanza, just try it out!
I thought the difference between soil and the sky/space is that they both have such vast possibilities but many people view them as something simple and consistent. But that was just me.
With the flowery fakeness issue that you seem to be feeling, I'd suggest in revisions that you find a certain memory that evokes an emotion in you. The specifics do not have to be put into the poem, however, it can help you tap into that relatability that allows your reader to connect, and may allow you to connect to the poem as well. Even if this is a fictitious situation or poem, it also needs to be human. Not that it isn't, but imputing YOUR human responses, based on whatever memory, may help with the fear of fakeness.
Feel free to add any lines you need to, and it's okay if your lines are longer! In most cases it won't seem unnatural so long as your complete thought is relatively brief.
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Noted!
I thought the difference between soil and the sky/space is that they both have such vast possibilities but many people view them as something simple and consistent. But that was just me. ---------> I LOVE THIS IDEA GOODNESS. I'll have to take notes.
I agree.
Thank you so much. You seem to know SO MUCH about poetry....you should upload some!
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You are quite the comedian XD
And glad I could help!
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Too bad I'm not joking haha
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