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Published: 2014-05-28 15:54:46 +0000 UTC; Views: 1115; Favourites: 17; Downloads: 0
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Gretta told me there were rabbits underneath the overgrown shrubs just outside my bedroom window. Baby rabbits, the kind that were hairless and pink. Gretta told me that their mama hadn’t come for days, and while it was natural, it was weird.Mama hasn’t come home for several weeks now. The home is just the way it was when she touched it: the stove splotched with cooking stains, the carpet riddled with pine needles from two months ago, and even the cuckoo clock still needed rewinding. Gretta told me not to touch anything—to preserve it for her.
Yesterday, I escaped the quiet jail of my house while Gretta was working. She’s employed about a mile down the highway, at the Walmart. She used to go to college about an hour away, but lately, she hasn’t found time to go. She said that she misses it, that she regrets stepping out of the house only to find out she didn’t do anything she planned. I’ve learned though. I’m going to everything I’ve thought out for my personal jail-break.
The first thing I did was look at the sky. It surrounded me the same way those walls in that room Mama had to stay in did. Clean, blue, empty. I glanced away, focusing on the thick grass, the dirt road, anything, to get the memories away. Usually memories are a good thing, but those memories, the one when she’s in the blue room with all the machines…that’s all I remember anymore. I wanted to remember her in my room, snuggling with me. I wanted to remember her home, spilling the soup over the stove, never vacuuming long enough to get all of the Christmas tree out of the carpet, always forgetting to rewind the clock so I can hear the bird sing at noon. But all that remained are the traces, the outline of her existence. She’s a shadow fading as the sun comes up.
Trying to think of something else, I remembered the baby rabbits underneath the shrub, right outside my window. How their Mama, like mine, had forgotten about them. Peeking under the shrubs, I saw them, no longer pink, no longer helpless. They’re still small, still young, but they’re looking at me. They wanted me to help them, help them escape from their prison too—locked up in a place where Mama only pretends to care. I lifted each one into my arms, cradling them as I took them inside. I gave them carrots and pet them, as I promised to visit them every month.
When Gretta came home, she was tired. She held a cellphone to her ear in one hand, but rubbed her temples in the other. Her dark eyes saw past me, past our house, and settled someplace distant. She nodded once, forgetting the other person couldn’t see her, and said, “Pull it.” She hung up. She hugged me. She cried.
The day we went shopping for black dresses was the day I saw the mama rabbit come, dragging bloodied bodies out of her nest. I balled my hands into fists, pulled out of Gretta’s grasp, and charged at the rabbit, running just slow enough for the rabbit to dash away.
I stumbled to the baby rabbits, their bodies damaged, and sobbed, screaming, “How could a Mama just leave like that?”
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Comments: 45
ilyilaice [2014-08-04 14:57:38 +0000 UTC]
Interesting symbolism! I enjoyed the subtle sadness of this piece
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Chezzy-Am [2014-07-19 05:31:56 +0000 UTC]
I'm assuming that pull it was an inferential line.
Reword this sentence: I'm going to everything I've thought out for my personal jail-break.
Apart from that, the use of the metaphoric rabbits story was a good idea in this story. I liked your approach as well as the overall sadness in the end. It was understandable in my opinion.
Decent, really. Food for thought.
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saevuswinds In reply to Chezzy-Am [2014-07-19 13:49:57 +0000 UTC]
Reword it in what way? Thank you for your feedback!
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Chezzy-Am In reply to saevuswinds [2014-07-19 14:14:01 +0000 UTC]
Add some description between "I'm going to" and "everything [...]" . I say this because it felt too disjointed and was as a sentence incomplete. Some sort of action is needed to help in undetstanding her motivation in her actions (described from "everything" onwards).
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DailyLitRecognition [2014-07-17 01:54:23 +0000 UTC]
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLR (Daily Literature Recognition) in a news article that can be found here . Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by ing the News Article.
Keep writing and keep creating.
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saevuswinds In reply to DailyLitRecognition [2014-07-17 04:08:46 +0000 UTC]
Thank you so much!
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saevuswinds In reply to DailyLitRecognition [2014-07-17 04:02:19 +0000 UTC]
Thank you very much!
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ChrisDonnell [2014-07-13 23:51:41 +0000 UTC]
For your questions;
- the story seems to be paced to perfection
- I don't read a lot of literature but the story didn't seem 'totally' obvious
- Narrator I would say could be early 20's
Very touching piece of literature!
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HoshiNoDestiny [2014-07-13 10:58:26 +0000 UTC]
Very touching story, again, amazing work.
I need to say, I love how you use words. The way you express feelings is wonderful, it can reach the deepest of your soul.
Great use of narrative tecnique, letting us know what's happening, without telling us, also the parallel with the baby rabbits is a nice touch, you've written this wonderfully
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saevuswinds In reply to HoshiNoDestiny [2014-07-13 14:14:10 +0000 UTC]
This comment means so much to me, you have no idea. I'm glad you found the story interesting and skillful. Thank you so much for reading it!
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HoshiNoDestiny In reply to saevuswinds [2014-07-13 16:42:59 +0000 UTC]
It's been really a pleasure for me! I hope to be able to read more of your writings in the future
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Rose-Em [2014-07-02 06:02:25 +0000 UTC]
This is really cool, but now I don't want to touch a rabbit's nest!
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saevuswinds In reply to Rose-Em [2014-07-11 14:58:32 +0000 UTC]
Oh I'm sorry! I really appreciate you reading my writing though!
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Diablo0153 [2014-06-21 23:00:19 +0000 UTC]
Hey. It's been a long time since I've written or read anything here, especially for you since I mostly reviewed your works(because i enjoy them). To begin:
1. The story was placed nicely. Only problem would be that it starts rather sudden with the rabbits, I would have enjoyed a bit more information before about the characters.
2. No, i really delved into it and loved it, nearly drew a tear, especially since i just had a break up.
3. About 19, hardly relevant tho.
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saevuswinds In reply to Diablo0153 [2014-06-23 15:46:24 +0000 UTC]
Thank you very much! It's a pleasure to see you again, by the way.
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neurotype-on-discord [2014-06-09 17:16:53 +0000 UTC]
Rodents in general. u: I am not sure rabbits do it, but mice/hamsters/etc will eat the babies.
1. I'm ok with the pacing of what you have here, but it feels like there's something missing. More on that below....
2. A little, but given that the parallels are kind of opposed - their mother clearly didn't choose to leave them - I'm fine with it. It took me a moment to realize what the 'pull it' meant.
3. It's hard to see. This I think is what's missing: you clearly want the narrator to be a child, but she speaks in complex sentences and isn't quite as self-centered as I'd expect - she's very aware of Gretta's situation, even though she does ultimately focus on what she wants. (note, I'm assuming the narrator is female because they go shopping for black dresses.)
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saevuswinds In reply to neurotype-on-discord [2014-06-09 17:47:16 +0000 UTC]
Thank you very much; your insight is very helpful. You were right about the narrator being female also.
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Dessinmaitre [2014-05-29 18:28:07 +0000 UTC]
I really like the paragraph where Gretta came home, I felt like I was reading a legit book. Almost. I'm not well versed in creative writing but on a scale of 1-10, I could visualize what was going on at like a 4-5. Some things came up too fast, not enough personal thought to them. The ( Gretta told me) was getting annoying too , but I could understand if it was on purpose, but could be done better. The narrator seems to be a preteen, not up to 18. To be completely honest, it wasn't very interesting, a kind of dull, slightly sad feel to it.
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saevuswinds In reply to Dessinmaitre [2014-05-29 18:37:15 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for your thoughts!
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limelin [2014-05-29 14:57:47 +0000 UTC]
Wow really emotional and touching. The story was kind of obvious, but the part with the rabbits was very surprising and creative! At the beginning, I felt a bit "overrun" and had to read the first two paragraphs twice - the connection between the first and the second paragraph somehow isn't really clear - it could be a bit "smoother". I'd say the narrator is a kid, but s/he could also be a traumatized teen...
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saevuswinds In reply to limelin [2014-05-29 15:09:32 +0000 UTC]
No she's a kid! Thank you so much for the feedback!
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DenVitaNarren [2014-05-28 18:14:20 +0000 UTC]
I think this piece is full of surprises! First of all, it’s lovely how you shift the narrative’s brooding over the abandoned rabbits to his own loneliness, since he shares their fate. Then, I expected it to be set in a time long ago, perhaps medieval times, and then you completely surprised me with Gretta working at Walmart. Little details like that are great, and really entertaining to the reader, I think. So no to your second question, I’d really not say this story is too obvious.
Personally, I’d love to read more of this story, to find out more about what these characters have done, and what they’re going to do. And then you return to the baby rabbits, which perhaps hadn’t been necessary in such a short story as this, but really isn’t bad in any way either. Or, so I thought, that it was too soon to return to them, until you told that they’re grown and need, just like the narrator, to leave the ‘home’ they rather see as a prison.
The ending saddened me so much: the human mother died, but the rabbit mother returned, only to kill her babes! That’s so awful! And then the very last line, “How could a Mama just leave like that?” which I think sums up the whole story. Very well written!
Oh, and to your last question, about how old the narrator seems to be... I'm very bad at guessing someone's age, but I'd say a pretty small kid. Perhaps eight years old? How old is he/she actually?
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saevuswinds In reply to DenVitaNarren [2014-05-28 18:17:33 +0000 UTC]
Thank you so much! She was indeed 8 years old!
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DenVitaNarren In reply to saevuswinds [2014-05-28 18:18:41 +0000 UTC]
Haha, then I got it right!
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saevuswinds In reply to Maleiva [2014-05-28 17:05:32 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! What was your favorite part?
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LanaParadise [2014-05-28 16:50:32 +0000 UTC]
In my opinion, this story was perfect. Sad and moving
You can write great descriptions and I can imagine whole place of action. Well done
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saevuswinds In reply to LanaParadise [2014-05-28 16:53:04 +0000 UTC]
Thank you so much! Is there anything you see that could improve it?
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LanaParadise In reply to saevuswinds [2014-05-28 17:06:28 +0000 UTC]
I think it isn't. I don't know a lot about writing but it was so great to read and I think it's perfect.
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