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Published: 2014-07-30 13:17:06 +0000 UTC; Views: 340; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 0
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I’ve never been one for aquariums, but my sister Penny insisted. She was wearing her Boston Whaler sweatshirt, her arms were tucked out of her sleeves and instead, hugged her sides. She shivered.“Jack, I always get wet on the boat when you drive it,” she whined, looking at me. The way her chartreuse eyes gleamed in the sunlight, I could’ve sworn God dropped rainbows around her irises before she was born.
“Oh really?” I question, slipping out a few Lincolns while the lady handed us our tickets.
“Yeah. You go too fast,” she said, taking the child’s ticket from my hand.
“I was only trying to get here before the animals got tired,” I lied. I loved going fast more than a Nascar driver, and my sister knew as well as I did that the passion wasn’t restricted to highways. When I got the chance to speed, letting the wind ruffle my hair and hear the motor roar, I took it.
“You’re a liar Jack,” she reminded me.
“Fine. What would make it up to you? Other than just paying for those tickets, I mean,” I said, pulling open the tinted doors to the aquarium.
“Hm. Take me to see the otters during lunch-time. I heard they do shows then,” she said, and then dashed into the aquarium.
As I entered, I realized I was surrounded by dim lights and stone in between the thick sheets of glass. It was like an underwater castle, and it was big enough for even Poseidon to approve of. As I watched the stingrays swim up against the tank, I glanced behind me. Penny’s strawberry lips curved into a smile. “Look, it’s a Leatherback sea turtle!” she exclaimed, pointing.
The turtle’s shell was a starry night sky. Black and scattered with white dots and streaks, it almost made me question why it was named after a cow’s hide and not a Van Gogh painting. It swam, tilted to its left side, struggling to stay flat.
I walked over.
“He’s missing a flipper,” I said as I read the sign. “Apparently, due to a commercial fishing boat. His name is Jeremy.”
“He looks more like a Sycamore,” she said.
“A Sycamore is a tree,” I corrected her.
“Not this time. This time, a Sycamore is the name for a turtle,” she stayed certain.“I read once that Sycamore trees symbolized protection and strength. And Sycamore is being protected and had to be strong to live through being caught by fishermen.”
I shook my head. She was always this way, finding the oddest connections in things. Sometimes, she made me feel really stupid. Other times, she left me stunned.
I gazed at Sycamore , and watched him as he continued swimming in circles. What a sad life, to be once so free and fast, now struggling all alone.
“Yeah, he must’ve been strong alright,” I said, waiting for a reply.
It never came.
I turned my head away from the tank, to find my sister missing. The crowd was starting to get bigger now. I started scrambling through the maze.
“Penny?” I shouted, glancing at the faces of other children. A six year old picking his nose. A ten year old putting a photo of a seahorse on Instagram. Twins fighting over who gets to hold the camera next. No Penny.
I continued to search. The aquarium hallways grew narrow, and the lights were dimmer than streetlamps. I glanced to my left as Great Whites swam beside me. His teeth were huge, and his demeanor was terrifying. A man in a scuba suit was swimming beside the shark, guiding it to travel closer to the tank before feeding it a chunk of fish.
I glanced at my phone. It was 12:09 PM, as my stomach began to growl. It was lunch.
I started running through the aquarium once more, but this time I knew where I was going. When my feet stopped carrying me, I was by the otter exhibit. Penny was there, watching the otters do underwater backflips, clap their paws, and race around in the water. I exhaled.
“Penny,” I said, finally allowed to breathe.
She looked behind her.
“Jack!” she ran up to me, and hugged me tightly. “You lost me, didn’t you?”
“Hey, I found you didn’t I?” I said, hugging her back. "You went through this aquarium too fast."
"I did?" She asked, surprised. "I thought you'd keep up with me!"
Once the otters were done eating, we went back to the boat. I dried off her favorite seat, and this time, drove the boat slower than usual. Penny knew it too. Looking at me with bright blue eyes, she gave me a smirk, and looked out onto the water. The sun was setting out on the horizon, and we were thirty minutes away from home, but for once I wasn’t in a rush to get back. I had Penny, and that’s what mattered.
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Comments: 8
Dream-howl [2014-08-09 12:36:41 +0000 UTC]
I, too, find that my favorite part of the piece was Penny talking about why she named the turtle Sycamore. I don't feel there were too many "I"s. However, I'd like to know more about why they took a boat to the aquarium. It was a little unclear for me in the beginning, but I find it interesting.
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saevuswinds In reply to Dream-howl [2014-08-11 22:28:04 +0000 UTC]
Oh! It was for a contest--a boat had to be involved. I grew up with a father in the Navy, so I guess I take all of nonchalant boating excursions to cities, aquariums, and beaches for granted sometimes! Would it help to mention that it was a normal thing, or that they traveled from a dock and decided to go somewhere?
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Dream-howl In reply to saevuswinds [2014-08-12 02:40:51 +0000 UTC]
Yeah, maybe even just that it was a normal route to the aquarium. You probably don't need to go into a side story about the dock. The former would be good enough in my opinion.
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dragonlizard89 [2014-07-30 21:03:14 +0000 UTC]
The dialogue is very natural. I thought it was interesting that they took a boat over to the aquarium and thought that could've been expanded upon, because readers are naturally curious. Do they live at a boathouse by the bay? Is it a vacation house or are their parents fishermen? I initially thought Jack was Penny's father (which is odd, because most people don't call their fathers by their name--in this case, Jack--which could've subtly suggested a complicated parental situation) before you specifically mentioned she was his sister.
Anyway, to agree with NamelessShe, my favorite part of the story was when she named the turtle Sycamore just because it felt like a Sycamore. This is probably the bit where I was most interested in the dialogue. The rest of the piece's dialogue, while natural feeling, wasn't as memorable as that bit. I don't think there were too many I's in the piece.
This is a minor edit, but in this sentence, "As I entered, I realized I was surrounded by dim lights and stone in between the thick sheets of glass," I would remove "I realized" as it's not doing anything.
Now, as for your description of the setting, remember that sight is just one sense and you have other senses in your toolbox. You could describe the sounds of an aquarium (are the otters chittering or whatever otters do?), or how Penny touched the glass of a big tank (even though you aren't supposed to!) and the coolness seeped into her hands. Details like this can really get your readers more engaged on a sensory level.
Another thing that might just be my personal taste is to not explicitly state "and that's what mattered," instead saying it in a more subtle and special way. Perhaps write it in a way where the action does the talking for you.
Something like, "Once the otters were done eating, we went back to the boat. The sun was setting out on the horizon, and we were thirty minutes away from home. Forty, if I took my time. I dried off her favorite seat, and this time, [depressed the pedal less/put it into a lower gear/drove slower than usual/HOW DO BOATS WORK]. Penny looked at me with bright blue eyes. She gave a smirk, and looked out onto the water. We made it home, forty minutes later."
Overall, I like the concept (I'm a brother with a little sister, though some days I would trade her for a boat) and enjoyed it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
saevuswinds In reply to dragonlizard89 [2014-08-11 22:32:30 +0000 UTC]
Thank you SO MUCH for your great feedback. When I get around to editing this piece, I will certainly keep everything you said in mind. I'm glad you enjoyed it, despite it's clear need of editing.
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NamelessShe [2014-07-30 15:34:31 +0000 UTC]
I enjoyed it. I love the interaction between the characters. Good dialogue. Interesting setting. Interesting characters.
Now to answer your questions---the only part I didn't particularly care for is near the beginning---> The way her chartreuse eyes gleamed in the sunlight <---- I have this thing about the word chartreuse, not terribly helpful because it's more a personal dislike.
My favorite part was probably Penny talking about Sycamore. Actually, I like that whole section. It came across well.
I have mixed feelings about the beginning. Penny talking about Jack driving the boat too fast confused me a bit---I wasn't sure why Penny was talking about the boat when they were waiting in line for the Aquarium. I do like it after getting to the end. I wonder if maybe the beginning just needs a little something more to paint a clearer picture.
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saevuswinds In reply to NamelessShe [2014-08-11 22:29:47 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for the feedback! Chartreuse is one of those words you hate or don't mind, usually. It does sound a bit awkward. The part you mentioned about Sycamore was also my personal favorite.
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