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saevuswinds β Worthless
Published: 2012-10-13 00:38:54 +0000 UTC; Views: 209; Favourites: 8; Downloads: 2
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Description
It's seven in the evening.I hear you mumble words.
Words that fall like
hail, pounding;
slicing skin until it's fine like dirt.
Worthless is not a term you tell your daughter.
It's minutes later.
I feel your words in my heart.
Shoving me away like
bulldozers,Β Β destroying;
mashing me to the ground like dirt.
Worthless is not a term to tell dirt.
It's an hour later.
I still hear your words in my head.
My mind drifts like
Acorns, falling;
Landing me until it hits dirt.
Worthless isn't a term for something saving and giving life.
It's a day later.
I feel your words vanishing away from me.
The acorn is changing like
Girls, growing;
Making me realize the dirt is soil.
Worthless: the opposite of life; dirt and daughters.
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Comments: 21
Very powerful. 
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Oh wow thank you! This is impossibly old, to be honest it really needs a good editing. If you have any suggestions, I'd be thrilled to hear them!
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Haha, I have an unfortunate habit of just commenting on whatever catches my eye and not paying attention to dates. 
Hmm, let's see. 'Cutting' and 'bulldozers' are good imagery on their own, but they're incongruous. Same with 'drifts like / Acorns, falling; / Slowly stabbing me.' Acorns aren't something I ever imagine as drifting or stabbing. These two stanzas don't hold the same weight and impact that the first one with hail does (that one is perfect, I wouldn't change it.)
Nitpicky things: there shouldn't be a space before the comma in 'Girls , growing.' In the last line, I don't know if that semicolon should be a comma. Depends on the effect you wanted, but it does feel a bit stilted with a colon and a semicolon in close proximity.
Hope that helps!
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I'd hope so!Β
Thank you so much for your feedback!
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Thank you~ I used to love that movie.
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YAY!!!! Thank you for writing this! It cheered me up a bit!
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No problem! Glad to cheer you up.
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Wretched souls colliding. I love such remarks. Very human.
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Very meaningful work of literature you have here. It's not just girls who feel like this either, I felt much the same way as a teenager.
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Thank you.
You are totally right, I just made this directed to girls for the sake of the poem.
Maybe I should write a boy version?
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It's fine as it is, honestly. ^.^ Just sharing my opinion.
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Thank you for your input though!
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Thank you for reading~
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