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satinrayne — Human Defect
Published: 2010-07-27 22:54:10 +0000 UTC; Views: 188; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 2
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I awoke to the sound of the alarm clock screaming. My heart raced wildly as my fingers fumbled with the buttons, pushing snooze just in case I were to drift back into my deep sleep. I pulled the covers over my head, allowing my heartbeat to slow as I went over the visions from my dream, feeling my body shudder. Another nightmare. I closed my mouth and gulped, not wanting to explore the dream any longer. I sighed deeply and kicked the comforter off of my body, pulling myself up into a sitting position.The sound of loud rapping on my bedroom door startled me and I felt my breath catch in my throat. I rolled my eyes at the sound of my mother's voice, obviously still on edge from the nightmare.
"Liz, honey, I'm off to work, are you up?" I grumbled as I made an effort to smooth out my hair. "Yes, Mom, I'm up." I had just arrived home last night after graduating college and already my mother was pestering me to get a job. There were no senior weeks with fun filled parties for me. I had to get a job immediately.
I planted my feet firmly on my fluffy lavender carpet and pushed up, groaning at my cracking limbs. My hands lifted above my head and my mouth stretched into a yawn. I was way too tired to have just slept nine straight hours. "Damn nightmares," I muttered under my breath.
I grabbed some clean clothes out of my closet and threw them on my bed before making my way to the shower.
As I stood beneath the hot water, my mind drifted back to my nightmare. Images of Kate, my twin sister, flooded my brain once again. I could see her screaming face as the waves were pulling her under, and my own body frozen in fear as the lifeguard swam away with my life and left hers to the angry ocean. Tears began to spill from eyes, mixing with the water from the shower. "Seven years in July," I said slowly before making a desperate attempt to speed up my bathing.
After drying off and getting dressed, I made my way back into my bedroom and opened my blinds, allowing the sunlight to filter through into my dreary room. I had forgotten what it felt like to have my own room, after four long years spent sharing a dorm room with another girl. I sighed lightly, already missing college life. It was now time to face reality, to be a grown up and I'd never felt more alone in my life. My fingers reached for the silver photo frame lying upside down on my nightstand. I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat as I stared at the two smiling faces. The two equally blond haired, blue eyed girls. Kate and I, just months before the beach trip. I shook my head violently, fighting the sadness that was about to completely overwhelm my body and shoved the frame underneath my bed.
Not wanting to give in to the grief, I reached for my cell phone and flipped it open. I scrolled through my list of contacts until my best friend Megan's name was highlighted. "Do I really want this conversation right now?" I asked myself. I sighed and pressed the call button, chewing my lower lip lightly as I waited for her to pick up.
"Hello?" I snorted at her high pitched voice, amused she would even say hello when she knew I was calling. "Megan, you're such a ditz," I said through a chuckle.
Megan and Liz had been friends since Elementary school and had been through so much together. Megan had been the one to help her through her sister's death seven years ago, and following that, her parent's divorce. It had been Megan she'd called when her dad informed her he was remarrying, and when she learned the new step mom was pregnant. Though the two had attended different colleges hundreds of miles apart, somehow they remained best friends.
"I'm the ditz because I say hello?" she shot back. Liz couldn't help but giggle at her friend.
"What are you doing today?" Megan asked. Liz bit her lower lip. She wanted to hang out with Megan all day like they usually had on summer break but then again, this was happy hunting in the job department, not eating junk food and watching daytime TV with your best friend on summer vacay. "I have to put in an applications and submit resumes today," she said with a sigh.
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Comments: 2
Very nice... this made me wonder what was going to happen next. Very easy to visualize as I read, which I like. I also like the lack of large words that I likely wouldn't understand the definition of haha. 
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Omnomnom.
I'mma critique this too. Because I can't make myself write. :[
"My heart raced wildly"
I think you could scratch wildly here. It seems unnecessary, I think, since 'raced' already implies the heart is moving pretty damn fast.
"pushing snooze just in case I were to drift back into my deep sleep."
This clause seems kinda lengthy. Maybe, "pushing snooze just in case I might fall back to sleep," or if you like what you have, scratch 'were to,' and replace it with 'might.'
"I pulled the covers over my head, allowing my heartbeat to slow as I went over the visions from my dream, feeling my body shudder." I'd turn the dependent clause, "feeling my body shudder," into a sentence of its own, "My body shuddered." That way it reads, "I pulled the covers over my head, allowing my heartbeat to slow as I went over the visions from my dream. My body shuddered. Another nightmare."
"I rolled my eyes at the sound of my mother's voice, obviously still on edge from the nightmare."
I have to wonder if someone on edge would roll their eyes. Someone who is annoyed, irritable, or tired might roll their eyes. But I don't know if it is fitting that someone full of adrenaline from a terrible nightmare would. Just my two cents. :3
The dialogue: Every time there is a new speaker, you need a paragraph break. So every time her mom says something, it needs to be a new paragraph. Main character's reply: new paragraph.
I think with a lot of this, you have to consider relevance to the story. Does it have important meaning to the plot? Does it show more about the main characters?
"I had just arrived home last night after graduating college and already my mother was pestering me to get a job. There were no senior weeks with fun filled parties for me. I had to get a job immediately."
Is this likely to have purpose? Is she struggling with money? If so, I feel like this entire section could be phrased better, maybe. Also, you need a new paragraph right after that, since a new line of thought begins.
"I could see her screaming face as the waves were pulling her under, and my own body frozen in fear as the lifeguard swam away with my life and left hers to the angry ocean."
It's a little hard to scream when you're being pulled underwater. Or make that face. She could have been sputtering. She could have looked pained. Don't know if she would be screaming.
I also feel as though this could be amended to: "I could see her screaming face as the waves were pulling her under, and my own body was frozen in fear. The lifeguard had swum away with my life and left hers to the angry ocean."
Also, I feel as though this entire idea could benefit from a different style of storytelling. Not writing, necessarily, though I don't think this is the best thing I've read by you. It's all very straightforward with the narrator telling every little detail. It gets a little tiresome and leaves the other characters to do nothing.
The dialogue needs work anyway. Maybe someone had noticed her scream in her sleep, and could have said something like, "Seven years, right?" And then that could have led to a conversation. Or at least a few details being released. Also, as a writer, you don't have to explain everything outright. You can let the readers put the pieces together.
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