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ScouterV — Tattered Path (Teaser)
Published: 2013-12-09 10:08:28 +0000 UTC; Views: 202; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 0
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Description A man is judged by what he fights for. Some men fight for honor. Some men fight for love. Some...well, they fight because that's all they know. Me? I choose to fight for entertainment, for my liege. I choose to fight for the finer things in life. I fight for money, women, and status...and because I'm damn good at what it.

Is there something wrong with that, though?

"I really...really don't see why you think my joining your little group...is going to change anything," Jason said, looking up from his meal. "I've already told The Prince, I'm not joining his Elites...don't know why you automatically assume that means I'm on your side."

A blond stepped forward from the center of the group, the leader of this small party by her appearance and air of command. She taking a seat across from Jason, who made no attempts to stop her. "I'll take it from here, guys. Go on back to the camp." The group of warriors that had escorted her exchanged glances of concern, but said nothing as they left the tavern. "I'll be blunt with you, Jason. We're not just a mercenary guild. At least, we don't intend to simply stay one for long."

Finishing his meal, Jason looked up at the woman, his interest piqued. "OK...you've got my attention."

The blond smiled. "Good to hear. The name's El, by the way. Ella Knight." The warrior stood and offered her hand Jason who shook it.

                                                                                   III

Ella's path towards swaying Jason was one she'd rather have forgotten, but one she couldn't escape as she showed him the slums of the otherwise magnificent city while pressing the issue regarding the guilds at hand.

"Time was, the guilds were once friendly rivals for the most part, though we all prospered," she said, as they made their way past members of various guilds, doing all they can to ease the suffering of a seemingly endless amount of needy. "Now, we don't have time for that. All of our best and brightest are now doing what we can for those around us."

"Isn't that what the Kingdom does? Where are the doctors, and the stalls?" To Jasons' untrained eyes, this was nothing short of ghastly. Malnourished children in the streets, elderly people begging, and a faint smell of what he shockingly recognized as dead body. "The new King promised that he would make things better for everyone in the city..."

"He did...for awhile," El said, leading him into a small, abandoned house. "Unfortunately, our dear King doesn't have the heart to help. The doctors came for a time, but made little progress. Eventually they stopped coming at all. Because of the area, we tend to not have the most skilled residents, so work is scarce for most people...heck, we haven't been paying ourselves for some time as it is." The two took seats at a long table in the center of the room, joining several other members of her guild, one of which Jason remembered from the tavern, earlier.

"The only reason we're all still here is because we choose to be," one of the men said.

"If it wasn't for us, and the other guilds, a lot of those people out there would be dead," another chimed in.

"As of late, the guilds have had to pool what resources they can in order to help provide for the people that the Kingdom has decided to ignore." El turned to Jason, a solemn look on her face. "Unfortunately...we can't keep this up. With so few people out to actually run missions and bring in money for our guild, we won't be able to maintain status for much longer."

"And without you all...these people have no other hope," Jason finished, looking away. The gladiator turned back to El."So...I take it, you would like me to talk to The Prince? Surely he would list--,"

"If he cared, he would have helped by now," El stood, shouting. "We've already tried what we can to get him to listen to us by diplomatic means, but it hasn't been enough and he clearly has no interest in trying to help us or his subjects!" Els' fury subsided, but it grew increasingly clearer to Jason just how heavy this situation weighed on the young womans' shoulders. "Jason...we don't need to talk. The time for words has long since passed...we need action...and we need people willing to help us fight so that we can help these people."

Jason looked at the girl, then towards the men gathered at the table and realized they all seemed a little bit smaller...a bit weaker than before. He stood from his seat and looked El in the eye before answering. "Ella...what you're asking me to do...it's...I don't know if I'm exactly comfortable with what you're wanting me to do."

Ellas' entire body tensed for a split second. Grabbing Jason by the arm, she took him through a back door and into an alley, where a small child sat coughing, covered in a small, dirty, white cloak. "Jason...it's not as if I'm asking you to do this for my benefit." Ella walked over to the girl, and spoke though Jason couldn't understand what they were saying. Ella reached into a small satchel on her pocket and pulled out a small piece of meat and handed it to the girl, before rubbing the childs' head and making her way back to Jason with a sigh. "I'm asking you to help her...and the many other kids who could die tonight because they didn't get any food." Ella went back to the girl, following these words, picked her up and carried her into the building, going in through the front and leaving Jason alone in the alley.
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Comments: 3

Pepper-the-phoenix [2014-01-03 08:55:52 +0000 UTC]

I think this is a good introduction. This small short and your comments in the author's notes definitely interested me in your story. I definitely want to read the other stories you have planned. What drew me to your story were the beginning lines in italics. It is a great beginning and it really draws the reader in. There are a lot of gems in this story and there is a lot of room for plot development.

That being said, I do feel that the story rushes a little. It is hard to get my bearings and we're not really given a chance to understand Jason or Ella before jumping to the plot point. I think you could take your time in the beginning to develop Jason and his world a little more. I think you could spend some time developing his character more and his relationship with Ella and explain what does the bar around him look like. I also think you can spend more time on Ella trying to convince Jason to help her. His sudden disgust with how the people live seems weird for someone who has spent a life fighting for pleasure, sex, and money. Why does he care? Why does it matter to him that the people are suffering? Why does Ella care and why does Ella caring sway Jason? Also the second part of the story starts with a woman named Layla and we don't hear about her again...so I'm kind of confused as to who Layla is.

Over all it seems to be a very interesting story and I look forward to reading more of it. Keep up the good work. ^_^

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ScouterV In reply to Pepper-the-phoenix [2014-01-03 18:23:18 +0000 UTC]

Thank you very much for taking the time to read the story, and I'm glad you liked it. Looking back at it, I actually agree with some of your criticism. I thought about it, while thinking about the actual story and I felt one of his gladiatorial fights would have been a good way to start the story--a little bit of action to draw the reader in a little better.

That's something I took into account with the Immaterial Path story, (which is arguably my actual favorite out of all of the stories in my head for this project.) I also agree that Jasons' reaction is a bit rushed. That was something I was hoping to avoid, but It appears I'll have to work harder on perfecting that. I was going for a whole, culture shock thing. Suffering on this scale is not something he thought he'd ever see, so that was my thinking. I'll have to rework that in the actual story though.

Lastly, it's one of my biggest problems. I'm somewhat indecisive when it comes to names and I kept flipping between Ella and Layla, and eventually decided to go with Ella... And forgot one last instance of Layla being the name. I went back and fixed that though, so thank you for pointing that out. If you get a chance, perhaps you'll also enjoy the second one I wrote. The third is almost finished as well. Hopefully, I can get that one up this weekend. Again, thank you for the read. Happy to hear that you liked the story.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Pepper-the-phoenix In reply to ScouterV [2014-01-03 20:10:01 +0000 UTC]

You're welcome. It is an interesting concept and seems like it will grow into a great story. Oh, yeah, a fight scene would be an awesome way to start the story! Yeah, that's what I assumed and I think it's an effective way of shocking Jason, I just think there needs to be some build up to that scene. It might be nice to show Jason living in luxury and never even thinking about the poor until he's forced to come face to face with it.

Oh haha, don't worry about the name switching. I do that all the time. XD I'll definitely check out the second story one you wrote.

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